# My wife wants to move back to SA!



## Lusankya (Jun 24, 2011)

Hi,

I am a Brit living in London, and have never lived outside the UK my whole life (I'm 34). My wife, who I met in London in 2006, is South African and moved from there to England in 2000 permanantly, marrying her ex husband who is also British. After marrying in 2008, we now have a home (albeit rented) and a child together who is only a month old.

Naturally she misses home and her family (her friends also live in the UK). But she visits occasionally (not often, maybe every 2-3 years - I've only been once, so we could go back more). My family all live in South East England, along with my friends whom I've collected over the years.

Recently she has been talking about wishing her family were nearer, to be nearer the baby and for her to get to know them. Today she called to say she wants a serious talk about moving to SA, which she says, might be very important for her.

I don't know how to approach this. I love them both but would I be prepared to quit my job and move away from my whole family and my friends? Would I be selfish to not want to do that? I understand that it would be the same sacrifice as she made in 2000, but that was when she was 21 and I am now 34 with a lot of attachments here, emotional I mean. If she is adament about wanting this, I can't imagine having to make such a choice. I can't imagine moving away from my home and mum and dad. But how could I let her take my child? I know that even if I were to move there, I would not be happy for a long long time with the sudden loneliness and disattachment with my life here.

Maybe I'm overeacting and it'll never happen. But if I say 'no way' I know it will get a bad reaction. If I say, 'yeah maybe', then I may be helping her to embark upon a path I really don't think I can follow.

John


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## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

I dont know about the legalities/visa/work issues that maybe a contributary factor, but I personally think you owe your wife the courtesy of looking into it seriously. I know she was the one who came here and this is everyones home, but you should at least look at the possibilities. Maybe you could take another holiday there and have an objective look around?????

On a psychological note - I can tell you that if my husband ruled something out without even giving it some thought, I'd become very rebellious and belligerent, whereas if he looked into it seriously, I'd respect his opinion eitherway!!!

Jo xxx


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

Like Jo says, I think you owe her the courtesy of sitting down with her and taking a long, hard look at the possibilities. But make sure you're looking at both sides of the issue here - advantages and disadvantages for BOTH of you (and, of course, for your daughter).

Is your job transferable to the South African job market? (Some jobs aren't.) How employable will your wife be back in SA? If you have problems getting established, is she able and willing to work at something that could support the family for a while? What will your prospects be for earning enough to allow for trips back to the UK periodically for you and for the whole family?

Consider what your alternatives are for remaining in the UK but allowing for more frequent visits back to SA. Could you do that if she were working? Would you be able to change jobs or get promotions that might allow for this?

Be careful about moving back there simply to be closer to family, because there are lots of other things to consider in a big move like this. "Home" always looks good when you're back there visiting. You don't have to work and people are always so happy to see you. When you're living in a place, the reality can be very different, depending on the job market, housing market, school system, etc. etc. You know the old expression, "it's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there."

Take a long hard look at what's possible - both by moving back there and by staying put, but doing something to increase visits back there, or inviting the SA family to come visit you a little more often. 
Cheers,
Bev


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## Lenna (Jun 20, 2011)

I agree with the previous posts that you need to take your wife's wishes into account, but on the other hand, I understand that it is a difficult decision for you as you have so many ties to the UK. Moving to another country is a mentally demanding and draining process. Unless someone is really excited about it, they will find it very hard to cope, and I know people who have followed their partners abroad despite their personal wishes and have not managed to cope.
Sorry, I don't mean to be so gloomy but this is just my opinion. Explain to you wife how difficult it is for you to take this decision and try to find a solution together. Have you ever been in SA? Maybe you will like it and you will change your mind. Also you may decide to live there as a trial, say for one year, and take it from there. I am sure if she sees that you are making an big effort she will really appreciate it.


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## Lusankya (Jun 24, 2011)

Hi,

Thanks for all the advice. I agree with you all, it would be unfair for me to dismiss this out of hand and I owe her serious consideration of this idea.

Saying that, the feeling of sinking dread that came over me when she mentioned it on the phone tells me I know in my heart that this is my home. I'm not saying I wouldn't go no matter the consequences - but I know I wouldn't be happy living so far away from what is my life and everyone who has ever been in it. I feel I've built up too much at this age to begin again. That may sound meladramatic to some people (particularly as this is a forum for expats who have made such a move!!), but thats how I feel, at least right now.

I have visited Cape Town and thought it was ok. The scenary was nice, but I didn't like the atmosphere. The people there, at least the family members we know, live with a lot of fear - for example they worry about going out at night and such and yes in the few years I've known my wife several of her family have been mugged or car jacked etc. To be honest though, thats not my main concern, which I've already detailed above.

I work as a civil servant in London in a regulatory body, so I make enquiries to see if organisations have broken the law. I don't want to say exactly, but working for Trading Standards, the Office of Fair Trading or OFCOM would be a good comparison. I earn in the late £20ks. I don't know if SA has such government bodies? My whole career has been in similarly administrative pen pushing red tape style jobs. So its not like I can say 'I'm an engineer' or anything. So I don't know what I would go into over there in Cape Town. I would definately not be happy just moving there and then looking for work! Or is that how its done?!

I hope that if we make much more time to go abroad to visit her family that will help.

If I'm honest with my concerns and she still wants to go, is it reasonable for either of us to insist on either moving or staying, knowing the other's feelings towards/against the idea?


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## gbu (Apr 7, 2011)

Lusankya said:


> Hi,
> 
> Thanks for all the advice. I agree with you all, it would be unfair for me to dismiss this out of hand and I owe her serious consideration of this idea.
> 
> ...


Stand up. Be a man, put your foot down and say no. I mean it.


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## sk2 (May 2, 2011)

gbu said:


> Stand up. Be a man, put your foot down and say no. I mean it.


Or discuss the pros and cons of the decision, and if they can't come to an agreement, go their separate ways. You know, like someone who isn't sexist.


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## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

gbu said:


> Stand up. Be a man, put your foot down and say no. I mean it.


........ and then run for the hills lol!!!! Not sure that sort of attitude is conducive to a happy life !!!!!

Jo xxxx


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## gbu (Apr 7, 2011)

jojo said:


> ........ and then run for the hills lol!!!! Not sure that sort of attitude is conducive to a happy life !!!!!
> 
> Jo xxxx


........well I'm happy...... and so is everyone around me because they know exactly where we all stand. 
All this mumbo jumbo touchy geeky feely good nonsense is the end of us all I tell ya
xxx


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## sk2 (May 2, 2011)

I guess your partner can't disagree with anything you say if she's stuck in the kitchen, right?


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## gbu (Apr 7, 2011)

sk2 said:


> I guess your partner can't disagree with anything you say if she's stuck in the kitchen, right?


She's not always in the kitchen
zzz


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## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

gbu said:


> ........well I'm happy...... and so is everyone around me because they know exactly where we all stand.
> All this mumbo jumbo touchy geeky feely good nonsense is the end of us all I tell ya
> xxx



Same in my house! except we make joint decisions ........ or life aint worth living!!!!

Jo xxx


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## gbu (Apr 7, 2011)

jojo said:


> Same in my house! Accept we make joint decisions ........ or life aint worth living!!!!
> 
> Jo xxx


Yeah I know what you mean. Whenever I have to make a joint decision, life sure takes a turn for the worse xxx


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## gbu (Apr 7, 2011)

Hey guys just having some fun- I'm really a design by committee kinda guy xxxxx


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## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

gbu said:


> Hey guys just having some fun- I'm really a design by committee kinda guy xxxxx


I know! Thats my point though, when two people live together, there has to be discussion and agreements, cos one or other can make life pretty miserable if they feel they're not being listened to or taken seriously. Of course that works both ways, but everything needs lots of discussion, investigation and thought before simply dismissing something cos you dont think you want to. It maybe that in the end your wife may decide that you-re right and changes her mind - or you may decide that she was???????

Jo xxxx


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## gbu (Apr 7, 2011)

To the OP:

1. it's not exactly clear what she wants......(welcome to the club) you presume she will give you some kind of ultimatum- may not be so let us know. 
2. If it is the 'me-move,you-jane' then you need to take stock- abandoning her wedding vows is not on. Your marriage should come first. 
3. Can her family not visit you too?
4. If you love her with all your heart set her free, if she .... You know the rest
5. Your safety concerns are warranted, especially where children are involved. 
6. I don't envy either of your positions. I feel for her too. 
7. With respect, from the sounds of it you most likely will not be able to get a decent job. Disastrous consequences, esteem issues, respect dwindles, wandering thoughts suddenly you're on your own, no-one likes you anymore .... in a foreign country.... you get the picture....


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## gbu (Apr 7, 2011)

jojo said:


> ..... or you may decide that she was???????
> 
> Jo xxxx


Huh, come again?
xx


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## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

gbu said:


> Huh, come again?
> xx


Its just possible that after some fact finding and investigation that actually HE may actually quite like the idea afterall - then of course SHE may decide she doesnt! Life can be like that, which is why all these sorts of issues need careful consideration before they can be ruled on

Jo xxx


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## gbu (Apr 7, 2011)

jojo said:


> Its just possible that after some fact finding and investigation that actually HE may actually quite like the idea afterall - then of course SHE may decide she doesnt! Life can be like that, which is why all these sorts of issues need careful consideration before they can be ruled on
> 
> Jo xxx


Yes I know, just teasing. 
G'nite everyone, to the OP , hope the couch is comfy


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

From what you've said, I think your attitude is sincere and probably pretty realistic.

I had a very rough time of it when I first came to France and at one point I was testing the waters to see what my husband's feelings were on relocating to the US. He told me (quite honestly) that, if we were to do that, then I would have to become the primary breadwinner in the family, but if I was ok with that, then he'd go along with what I want as far as where we live.

Our circumstances are different, to be sure, and to a certain extent my husband was joking when he said that. But, seeing the situation in that light convinced me that it was overall a far better idea to stay in France and for me to decide to deal with the situation as it presented itself. It came down to the fact that my husband really would be more miserable in the US than I had been in France and I wanted to stay with my husband. You and your wife have to decide what's best for each of you and for the family as a whole.
Cheers,
Bev


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## kazz (Jun 28, 2011)

I know the feeling.. I want to go back to the UK to live and my husband is not so Keen. This has been going on for 2 yrs now... exhausting. 
Good Luck and i hope there is an agreement somewhere.


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