# Mistake?



## E-man (Jan 6, 2016)

Hello all,

I'm new to this forum, 59 yr old widower from the US. No military background, just engineering and music.

I have a met a few Filipinas over the years and did the chat, email, and Skype with a couple. The first one I was very enamored with, but she was 22 years younger than me, and I just couldn't get past that age difference. But the second on that I have been communicating with is only 10 years younger, and I have grown very comfortable with her. As I read in the "What do you love about the Philippines" thread, she has a wonderful sense of humor, and we talk on the phone and can laugh for long stretches. She is very warm, but is educated and also has a good business sense. This long distance relationship has been going on for 4 or maybe 5 years.

So I finally decided to book a flight to Manila to go visit her. She works a very demanding job in a lower management position - a job she's only been at for 7 or 8 months - but managed to get a week off while I visit. We are planning to stay at a hotel in Manila for the weekend, then go to Tagaytay, where I rented a condo for the week, and return to Manila for my return flight. I have been soooo looking forward to this trip!

Having read some of the *other* threads, I feel like I may have made a mistake, mainly because she is "separated", not single. Like a fool I had never given a thought to the laws regarding "infidelity", even though I knew that divorce was against the law in Phils. I guess this is the type of thing a lonely middle age man does that becomes totally enamored with a Filipina. I also read some comments about kidnappings, but I am not wealthy, and I don't think I could even _look_ wealthy if I tried, so that may not be as much to worry about as my father-in-law suggests. But the infidelity law bothers me..... a LOT. And conviction could hinge on merely "circumstantial" evidence.... like a hotel registry, etc.

I know that I would be in for a culture shock, but she is very "western" for a Filipina, and as I said, I feel very comfortable with her. She has been to the US a couple times or so, and knows a bit about our way of life, which we talk about often. But having read about this infidelity law, and the possible consequences, I'm wondering if I need to pull the plug.

I can say this - if I have to tell her goodbye, I would be pretty heartbroken. 

Thanks for listening,

Gene


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## E-man (Jan 6, 2016)

Also, wondering if this infidelity law is a genuine concern, or a law that is rarely enforced? In other words, what is the true risk?

P.S. - Trying to figure out how to edit, but can't seem to find that option.


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## fmartin_gila (May 15, 2011)

As I understand (no personal knowledge only what I have heard). The Law is rarely enforced if all involved are Philippine Citizens, but it is always open season on Foreigners so may be enforced in your case (if he finds out). 

Personally, if their separation was a long time ago, and if you were discreet about it, I wouldn't be too concerned. Then one has to think a bit long term if this should really amount to something and you would wish to become a permanent arrangement, you may have to reconsider because thats a lot of excess baggage to be shouldered. Deep thought time.

Fred


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## JRB__NW (Apr 8, 2015)

I see there haven't been any responses to this so I'll give you a few thoughts. I didn't meet my gf online but did rush into things somewhat.. something I have at times regretted. I will also mention right up front that if you read too many internet stories no sane person would come here. More bad stories than good tend to get written up.

In my opinion, when meeting online before coming here you should always have a Plan B, be open to changes (remain flexible, and don't put all your eggs in one basket), and don't publish your itinerary in advance, like where you will be staying. It's just common sense for safety. Just have fun when you get here.



E-man said:


> We are planning to stay at a hotel in Manila for the weekend, then go to Tagaytay, where I rented a condo for the week, and return to Manila for my return flight. I have been soooo looking forward to this trip!


Sounds like fun! I wouldn't be too worried about kidnapping in that situation. It's pretty unlikely. Unless for some reason you think her or a relative might set you up. Sometimes these women share everything with others.. again, a good reason not to announce the details of your itinerary in advance.



E-man said:


> Having read some of the *other* threads, I feel like I may have made a mistake, mainly because she is "separated", not single. Like a fool I had never given a thought to the laws regarding "infidelity", even though I knew that divorce was against the law in Phils.
> 
> But the infidelity law bothers me..... a LOT. And conviction could hinge on merely "circumstantial" evidence.... like a hotel registry, etc.
> 
> ...


In my opinion your fears are overblown here as well, but there are some questions you should be asking, or information you haven't shared that would give more insight. Many, many Filipinos are stuck in this "separated" status, having got married at a young age, then moved on for various reasons. None of them except the rich can afford an anullment, and there is no divorce, which is shameful. It keeps people in bad relationships, or outside the law, creates illegitimate kids, etc. Even the Pope has pushed for more leniency and expediency in this regard. 

For example, here are a few questions you should know the answer to before making an assessment:

How long since their separation? 
Are they friends or enemies? (bad situation)
Do they still live in close proximity (possibly bad)?
Do they have kids? Has he supported them and might want out of that (bad)?
Have there been other relationships since then by either one (maybe good)?
Kids with another person? (good - that tends to make it clear the ex has no claim on her)

The main thing is to make sure you really know her and trust her. A lot is dependent on what she says. It is extremely difficult to make an accurate situational assessment if we are being kept in the dark in some way. If you suspect anything funny, take a time out and re-consider, or have someone investigate her.

I sincerely hope your visit goes well!


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## pakawala (Sep 10, 2014)

What a shame... My wife has many girl friends who are Registered Nurses and Office Workers at one of the local hospitals in their late 20's to low 50's who have never been married who would love to meet a 59 yr old American Widower. Some are absolute "stunners".

You didn't mention any plans to live/retire here so what is your plan if you 2 fall in love during you 1 weeks stay?

Normally, guys in your circumstance who meet girls online or in chat rooms and develop relationships, visit, depart, visit, depart, then maybe eventually marry here or petition for a fincee visa. You don't have either option so what is your plan?


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## E-man (Jan 6, 2016)

Thanks for the replies. I probably had no business typing yesterday due to being very tired from lack of sleep (not related to this, but to the alleged decaf coffee I had the night before). I'll try to answer a few of these questions.



JRB__NW said:


> How long since their separation?


I think it's been about 6 or 7 years.



> Are they friends or enemies? (bad situation)


She has never spewed any vitriol about her ex, just that he had an affair and that there was an irreconcilable loss of trust.



> Do they still live in close proximity (possibly bad)?


That I do not know.



> Do they have kids? Has he supported them and might want out of that (bad)?


They have 3 kids - 2 daughters and a son. The oldest daughter lives with her, and the two younger ones live with their father. I believe that has to do with the fact that the two younger ones are both still school age and her ex is paying for their schooling. He has a construction business, so I don't think there is any financial strain on him. She lives in a gated community with a security guard, and at roughly 28000 PHP per month salary I think she is probably being subsidized by the ex, but I don't know that for sure.



> Have there been other relationships since then by either one (maybe good)?


Not on her side, that I know of, but yes on the ex's side.



> Kids with another person? (good - that tends to make it clear the ex has no claim on her)


Yup. The ex had an affair and fathered a child. According to her he tried to hide it at first, but eventually the truth came out, and that's when they separated.



> The main thing is to make sure you really know her and trust her. A lot is dependent on what she says. It is extremely difficult to make an accurate situational assessment if we are being kept in the dark in some way. If you suspect anything funny, take a time out and re-consider, or have someone investigate her.


Trust is sortof an elusive notion, isn't it? I trust her, but how do I truly know that everything she has told me is accurate, other than have her investigated? She has not pressured me about anything. I get the feeling that she was, in a way, just happy to have this onine relationship. When I finally told her that I decided to come visit her, she was weeping tears of happiness. Since then it's been planning. Are there any red flags? I'm sure I could conjur them up easily enough, but are they real or imagined?

Gene


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## E-man (Jan 6, 2016)

pakawala said:


> My wife has many girl friends who are Registered Nurses and Office Workers at one of the local hospitals in their late 20's to low 50's who have never been married who would love to meet a 59 yr old American Widower. Some are absolute "stunners".


Stunning Filipinas are very hard to resist, but I would definitely feel a little creepy with a 20 year old, even if she is okay with it.



> You didn't mention any plans to live/retire here so what is your plan if you 2 fall in love during you 1 weeks stay?


I have been intrigued with the idea of living abroad after retirement, and there are many news articles that promote it, not to mention shows on HGTV.  Tagaytay sounds like a wonderful place, and I had hoped to check out what the possibilities might be there.



> Normally, guys in your circumstance who meet girls online or in chat rooms and develop relationships, visit, depart, visit, depart, then maybe eventually marry here or petition for a fincee visa. You don't have either option so what is your plan?


That's probably the best question of them all. My plan was to visit this time, then possibly have her come here for a visit, then return, etc. But if she is locked in her complicated state, then why proceed? That sounds like what could/should have been the last part of that question.

Gene


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## pakawala (Sep 10, 2014)

E-man said:


> But if she is locked in her complicated state, then why proceed? .


Exactly. You finally realized the solution to your circumstances.


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## E-man (Jan 6, 2016)

pakawala said:


> Exactly. You finally realized the solution to your circumstances.


Are you that hologram in I,Robot? 

I have some more info...

She has been separated 9 years, ex has told her to "move on" long ago, both decided not to pursue annulment due to expense, which would be better spent on kids, and maybe they can get that done when the kids are done with primary and secondary school.


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## esv1226 (Mar 13, 2014)

From a woman ... I would enjoy the moment. It's not very often that one falls in love. Follow your plans. See how the relationship unfolds. From your posts I could gather you are careful and know the consequences. Plan your next move only if you are as in love after your visit.


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## E-man (Jan 6, 2016)

I agree, esv1226. I will find out a LOT after my visit.

Thank you!


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## pijoe (Jul 21, 2015)

esv1226 said:


> From a woman ... I would enjoy the moment. It's not very often that one falls in love. Follow your plans. See how the relationship unfolds. From your posts I could gather you are careful and know the consequences. Plan your next move only if you are as in love after your visit.


What nice advice....


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## lefties43332 (Oct 21, 2012)

im in agreement with esv,just be careful. I know many seperated filipinos who have no problems with spouses moving on.


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## pakawala (Sep 10, 2014)

E-man said:


> Are you that hologram in I,Robot?
> 
> I have some more info...
> 
> She has been separated 9 years, ex has told her to "move on" long ago, both decided not to pursue annulment due to expense, which would be better spent on kids, and maybe they can get that done when the kids are done with primary and secondary school.


Actually, this is what concerns me. 

General Terms of Use 

By accessing EXPATFORUM.COM you are agreeing to be bound by these Web Site Terms & Conditions of Use and all applicable laws and regulations, and *you agree that you are solely responsible for compliance with any applicable local laws.
*
Every so often, posters appear on here asking for similar advice and the bottom line is you are asking for advice or opinions on how to come here and break a local law (Adultery). Many may not agree with the law but it is still a punishable law in The Philippines. If I wish to be in compliance with an applicable local law then my advice to you is come here and enjoy the Philippines but do not break any laws.


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## Asian Spirit (Mar 1, 2010)

*Forum Rules*



pakawala said:


> Actually, this is what concerns me.
> 
> General Terms of Use
> 
> ...


*Thanks Pakawala, I just noticed this and that your post drew attention to that fact.
That's true. Also, the Forum Rules prohibit the discussion of illegal activity--period.

As such this thread is now :closed_2:..



Jet Lag
Moderator*


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