# Help me........



## vassy83 (Apr 28, 2013)

Hi people this is the first time that ive visited the expat forum and im seeking alot of advice im a british ex pat we came here in october so much is going on im so depressed and even suicidal at times.

I moved with the wife and new born after the baby was born in the uk apparently for a better life, i gave up a good career and business back home to be here staring at the walls with no job and to be bullied most of the time, My wife is from cyprus and i can speak fluent greek but still looked at as a dummy english guy from the uk that is stupid.

im living with family (big mistake when you have a family of your own) and i stressed this to the wife before we left the uk that is wasnt a good idea to leave the uk as everyone kept telling us it was bad in cyprus with no jobs and the business was doing well last year in the uk.

Since being in cyprus i have made 110 job applications (even to mcdonalds) as a family guy i need to do everything possible to support the family. With countless interviews people telling me there no jobs.

Certain family members have become really rude towards to me and my wife I have enough to deal with with no job, no income, no space with the family and using up our savings to get by I have got to breaking point and have become desperate to get back to the uk and back to the routine there.

ive tried so hard to make it work but i have become depressed and speak only with the samaritans and now the forum, i try to keep busy during the day working online and going for walks to keep me sane but i think that after the bullying drama this evening its time to go home once and for all.

I seriously feel trapped here i do not anywhere in the uk to stay and same here in cyprus. 

To top it all off im suffering from diabeties and most of the tablets i was getting free in the uk now i have to pay as the general hospital doesnt have them so im paying around 110 euros a month just for tablets.

Im seriously trapped and want to go home i feel there is alot more oppoutunites there for work and more prospects this is one of the reasons i did not want to leave how do i get back to the uk and aply for some sort of housing benefit?

To top this off im feeling lonely with no body to talk to and a million miles away i have lost all my confidence and feel that im a shadow of my former self.

I would really appreciate any comments please and thanks to everyone in advance with respect


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## vassy83 (Apr 28, 2013)

im just seriously sitting here feeling ill about everything


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## Veronica (Apr 5, 2008)

Hi Vassy, welcome to the forum.

It is a shame that you hadn't found us before moving here as we would have strongly advised agaisnt the move. I can understand your wife wanting to be close to family when she has a baby but living with family is never a good idea. 
You say you spend a lot of time working online to keep occupied, does that mean you have an online business which is at least earning you a little bit of money?
As you have found out to your cost there are precious few jobs here for anyone and since the bail out fiasco fewer than ever and everyone is struggling. 
We are constantly telling people on here that Cyprus is not for families with young children unless one of the partenrs has very well paid job to come to. 
Its a great place to live if you have a pension to live on and don't have to worry about working which is why expats here are predominantly retired people.

I belive that as you have a young child you would get benefits as soon as you go back to the UK and would get help with housing so my advice is to return as soon as you can before you run out of savings completely. Surely by now your wife must have seen that the situation is intolerable and that you would be better off back in the UK.
If you wife still wants to live here eventually why not look at that as a future plan.
Return to the Uk asap and try to build a good life there for a few years while maybe building a good online business which would support you and can be run from anywhere. Once you have enough income coming in from that you can return here, living independantly from your wifes family. 
If your child learns greek from the beginning he/she can go to local schools once you do eventually return.
I think to some extent the problem is probably (unfairly) that your wifes look on you as failure because you don't have a job and therefore are not being a good husband to their daughter which is unfair as you had a good job and business in the Uk.
To be honest her family really should have discouraged her from coming here as they would have been well aware of the shortage of work even last year.

Try not to get too down about things, plan to return to the Uk where you will get help. 

Good luck
Veronica


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## vassy83 (Apr 28, 2013)

Hi Veronica

Thanks so much for your advice ive found it so comforting with some hope im just worried as I have nowhere to stay until the housing benefit is sorted, yes im running a online business i only started a few weeks ago and its going really week but i dnt want to be here in cyprus i feel trapped and dnt have my own space i feel bullied and fed up i dnt know what to do


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## Veronica (Apr 5, 2008)

Vassy is there any way that you could rent somewhere, even if it is just a one bedroom apartment, just so that you and your family have your own space?
I don't know your financial circumstance and I don't want to pry into that but if you have enough savings still to give you that little bit of freedom from your wifes family it might help you to feel better about things.

Veronica


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## Veronica (Apr 5, 2008)

Incidentally, as you have a small child, if you returned to the UK I believe that you would be put into a families hostel, probably only one room, until you got your housing benefit sorted out. You would not be left on the street with a baby.
I know that is not the sort of place you would want to be but it would only be a very temporary measure.


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## Geraldine (Jan 3, 2009)

Hi Vassy, It looks as if you are being kicked while you are down and I am so sorry for the way it has turned out for you.

It is a great pity your wife's family can't be of better help to you as a family member.

I hope it all turns out ok for you.


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## Tilley (Jun 10, 2012)

vassy83 said:


> Hi people this is the first time that ive visited the expat forum and im seeking alot of advice im a british ex pat we came here in october so much is going on im so depressed and even suicidal at times.
> 
> I moved with the wife and new born after the baby was born in the uk apparently for a better life, i gave up a good career and business back home to be here staring at the walls with no job and to be bullied most of the time, My wife is from cyprus and i can speak fluent greek but still looked at as a dummy english guy from the uk that is stupid.
> 
> ...



Seems a very sad situation. What did you do in the UK ? You say you had your own business that was successful is it something that you could do in Cyprus?

It's hard to tell from your post if you want to come back with your wife and baby or on your own, because you are so desperate sounds like it might be the later.

In that case you will probably be put in somekind of 'holding hostel' or BnB in the UK (there isn't really that much social housing left and there are huge wait lists) this wont be nice but it will give you an address but then if you can find work after a couple of months you could go into private rented. 

I guess your family would be OK as they are obviously being housed and fed by their Cypriot family currently so there is no reason that will not carry on, I can't see them abandoning their daughter and granchild it is not the Cypriot way.

Very difficult decsions for you to make, if you had a good business in the UK did you not save up a bank of money to help you through the first year or two? That is what most do. 

If you are being bullied and it is making you think you might do something desperate you need to get out, you will be no help to your family if you do the unthinkable and you are a young perosn with their life in front of them who has made one bad decsion. Just talking on here and to the samaritans is no life really, you need to take action and in years to come when you have sorted yourself you will just think of this as a blip.


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## DaveKim (Mar 25, 2013)

vassy83 said:


> Hi people this is the first time that ive visited the expat forum and im seeking alot of advice im a british ex pat we came here in october so much is going on im so depressed and even suicidal at times.
> 
> I moved with the wife and new born after the baby was born in the uk apparently for a better life, i gave up a good career and business back home to be here staring at the walls with no job and to be bullied most of the time, My wife is from cyprus and i can speak fluent greek but still looked at as a dummy english guy from the uk that is stupid.
> 
> ...



Hi Vassey
I'm so so sorry to read about your situation and you have certainly come to the right place for good solid and most of all Honest advice.This forum helps lots of people,However as your situation sounds so serious I think the only way you can get help is to help your self.
You say that you want to come back to the Uk,well the only way thats going to happen is if you make it happen.Even with all the good will and advice off this forum You have to make it happen.If you carry on like this it will most likely cause big problems with your marriage.If you want me to get you some numbers to help you in the UK please dm and I will help with this.
Good luck with whatever you decide
Dave


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## Kalimera (Oct 19, 2011)

Hi Vasey

Your situation is not good and it sounds like you need help, I would go and see a Doctor if l you are suicidal.

Good luck


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## vassy83 (Apr 28, 2013)

Hi everyone,

Hope you are all well thanks to everyone who has replied youve all made me feel so much better, ive decided to give it a few months to see what happens if nothing changes then we will be heading back to the UK as i feel that there is no future here.

My business in the Uk was all online based and im running what i can here in cyprus its going well but its having the time away from the wifes family and being on our own as family and not having people interfering, I discussed with the wife to rent but we both see it as a waste of money as we are looking to go back to the UK so we need to save what we can and not waste any more savings.

Im going to try my best to make it work and thats all i can ask from myself is give everyting 150% its such a pain not being on your own as a family and its wrong to live with family when you have a kid, dnt get me wrong i really appreciate what they have done for us its just i feel now is time to be by ourselves as the mother in law was in the Uk for three months before the wife gave birth i just feel I havent had any space with my son and its really starting to piss me off they are too controlling especially with my son trust me i really do put my foot down with them!

Speaking on this forum is not a waste of time at all as i needed advice and just someone to speak to, before i put moves into action so its no way a waste of time

thanks people


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## Geraldine (Jan 3, 2009)

The Cypriots, I have noticed, do have a lot of input with their grandkids, in fact I see one child who practically lives with his grandparents while his parents work. It seems to be the norm that they bring the children up.


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## PeteandSylv (Sep 24, 2008)

Vassy83,

Its good to see the change in attitude that is conveyed in your last post and a much more reasoned positive view. At last you seem to be taking control of your own destiny and setting out a plan. You've even made a positive comment regarding your family and I now wonder if part of your problem may have been in assuming that the family would adapt to you rather than you adapt to their lifestyle and traditions in their country.

I will however disagree that renting would be a waste of money. If it gives you your independence, your wife and child back as you want them, privacy and space then it would seem a good investment to me.

All the best for the future,

Pete


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## Veronica (Apr 5, 2008)

I agree with Pete that renting would not be a waste of money. It may in fact help you to settle here and perhaps decide to stay and give life here a chance. 
If you are earning enough from your online business to make end meet perhaps just getting a little bit of distance between you and your wifes family while still having some support from them would make life more tolerable.

Whatever happens, I wish you luck in the future.

Veronica


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## vassy83 (Apr 28, 2013)

Geraldine said:


> The Cypriots, I have noticed, do have a lot of input with their grandkids, in fact I see one child who practically lives with his grandparents while his parents work. It seems to be the norm that they bring the children up.


Hi thanks for the advice sorry I disagree on others bringing up your children it's our responsibility to bring up and care for our children we need to make the decisions for our kids without constant inference from everyone else


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## roberda (Jul 24, 2011)

Hi i do hope that everything works out well for you,and as you say the child is yours ,not the grandparents stick to what you belive in and if your wife cares and loves you she will go where ever you decide to live

All the very best in Life


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## Cleo Shahateet (Feb 23, 2009)

Hi, I am sorry to hear this, but you have gotten some good advice. Try to spend some family time away from your in-laws. It is tough having two families living together for extended periods especially when you need to bond with your new baby. You really have a lot going on! Just try to keep your chin up and I hope it all works out for you.


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## hiatusxenia (May 6, 2013)

Hello

I read your post with interest. I am married to a Greek Cypriot and lived in Cyprus for about 15 years. We have been back in the UK for more than 20 years now. 

I am afraid you swallowed what I call the Cyprus propaganda - lovely relaxing way of life, good education, good standard of living, and, ah, yes! the hospitable people - Philoxenia!! friendliness to the stranger - but never let him forget that he IS a stranger!! 

You certainly had some extremely bad advice to give up everything in England and move to Cyprus at the present time but even 20 years ago 'foreign' men had a very bad time being married to Cypriot women. I suggest that you try and find some of these men, because talking to English people on this forum will not help you very much with your day to day life living in such close contact with Cypriots. If you hear someone English in a shop or somewhere - speak to them! Find out who they are, and if they are married to a Cypriot, this could be a valuable way of getting to know other people apart from the family. There are a lot of older, European women in Cyprus, too, who may be able to give you lots of valuable advice, although I appreciate this may be a little awkward for you!

However, If you are going to try and give it a go, take my advice and first of all, try and meet other people in your situation. Men who have been in Cyprus for a while. (Ask around or even place an ad in the Cyprus Weekly). Then learn Greek! This is absolutely essential if you are to survive in the Cypriot family and in Cyprus generally. It's not that hard! It is very important NOT to tell them you are doing this - as they will assuredly try and discourage you, rudely telling you it is too difficult. It will be a bit hard at first, but you can do it, and I promise you this will be the single most important thing you can do. And by learning Greek, I mean proper lessons on a one to one basis learning how to read and write as well as speak - not the silly lessons where you just learn a bunch of phrases with a lot of other expats. I would have thought this might not be too expensive given the situation there at the moment. You could ask at a Greek school or place or answer an ad. So, learn it and keep it quiet until you are confident in speaking. Actually, living with the family is a huge advantage for this, so make the most of it as you will be able to pick up the accent and the way they speak. It is invaluable and almost worth not moving out, just from that one point alone.

Thirdly, man up!! This is the only way they will even begin to respect you. Do not try and join in too much - secretly they despise you - always keep something of yourself back. It will help if your wife is truly on your side. Of course, it is hard for her too, to be in the middle of you and her family, but I warn you - slowly she will be going over to their side and will get impatient with you, so it is important to show her that even though you are in this vile situation, (not entirely your fault by the sound of it), YOU are the man of your little family. Of course life in Cyprus is going to be agreeable for her - probably she has a much easier time now she is back with her family: little or no cleaning, cooking or childcare for her to do as you have discovered - her mother, sisters, aunts, cousins, etc. do it all. So, if you cannot move away from the family yet, then also use this time to make contacts and a little social life away from them. I warn you, if you really want to make a life in Cyprus, you will have to be very tough and self-sufficient emotionally. They will not treat you with respect, they will not bother to translate or speak in English even if they are fluent! I am sorry to say that their main aim will be to break up your family so that your wife can marry a nice Greek boy, and then speak badly of you when you have had enough and leave. So, if you want to stay then you must realise this and not let it upset you at all. Ever. 

Always remember that all Greeks want their daughters to be married! So, unfortunately their daughter chose a 'foreigner' - but, hold your head up - be proud!! They will want and try to disparage you whenever they can, but remember - YOU are the husband and by letting you stay at their home and look after you all, they are in fact only doing their duty. Do not appear overly grateful - but be respectful as much as you can. 

Am I sounding bitter at all? Haha probably, yes!! But... I am still married to my Cypriot husband after nearly 30+ years, my best friend in Cyprus was in fact a Cypriot with whom I am still in touch and I have many fond memories of my time there, although ultimately it was not for me. My two children are also extremely successful here, which I doubt they would have been had we stayed. I often think I did it the wrong way round: as I think someone else has already said, Cyprus is probably a far better place to live if you are retired. 

I am sorry this turned out to be an essay, but I just felt so sorry for you that I wanted to give you some first hand advice. 

Good luck!


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## gloucester_geezer (May 5, 2008)

On a practical note.... as we all know all and sundry get help with housing and benefits etc. when they come to the Uk.... as Cyprus is in Europe now, can Brits with children not get any help from the State at all? Surely the terms of their acceptance must mean they should give help to EU citizens coming here to settle?


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## PeteandSylv (Sep 24, 2008)

gloucester_geezer said:


> On a practical note.... as we all know all and sundry get help with housing and benefits etc. when they come to the Uk.... as Cyprus is in Europe now, can Brits with children not get any help from the State at all? Surely the terms of their acceptance must mean they should give help to EU citizens coming here to settle?


The help that the UK provides is UK legislature and nothing to do with the EU other than having to give the same to EU nationals as UK nationals.

Cyprus does not provide this for Cypriots and therefore not for immigrants.

This is where the UK is a soft touch costing millions and causing unrest.

Pete


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## gloucester_geezer (May 5, 2008)

Ok, thanks Pete.

Yes it is certainly a stable door that the UK needs to shut firmly!!!!!


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## vassy83 (Apr 28, 2013)

Just a update a string of interviews have proven anther dead end im looking for anything job wise and there is nothing seriously going to start preparations to leave now


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## hiatusxenia (May 6, 2013)

I'm very sorry to hear that, Vassy. I think you just went to Cyprus at a very bad time. Good luck with what you decide.


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## 5Stingray5 (Dec 21, 2012)

vassy83 said:


> Just a update a string of interviews have proven anther dead end im looking for anything job wise and there is nothing seriously going to start preparations to leave now


Hi Vassy, very sorry to here of your problems, it would seem that the only solution you are left with is to try and get back to the UK.
Many people thinking of moving to Cyprus visit and use these forums to pick up advice.
Some forums have a lot to answer for regarding the advice given especially one where you were virtually prevented from posting anything other then positive advice and opinions, the owner of one particular forum kept insisting that their was no risk when buying property without obtaining title deeds, whenever the subject of risk involved regarding not obtaining title deeds was raised 'Jim' would post "not that old chestnut again" and then lock the topic.
If you didn't sell up and burn you bridges in the UK you were called 'none committed'.
We decided to come over on a 6 month trial rental to test the water before returning to the UK, this turned out to be a very, very smart move.
Yes we'll come back and try again but only when things get sorted out.

Hope things get better for you Vassy.


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## Veronica (Apr 5, 2008)

5Stingray5 said:


> Hi Vassy, very sorry to here of your problems, it would seem that the only solution you are left with is to try and get back to the UK.
> Many people thinking of moving to Cyprus visit and use these forums to pick up advice.
> Some forums have a lot to answer for regarding the advice given especially one where you were virtually prevented from posting anything other then positive advice and opinions, the owner of one particular forum kept insisting that their was no risk when buying property without obtaining title deeds, whenever the subject of risk involved regarding not obtaining title deeds was raised 'Jim' would post "not that old chestnut again" and then lock the topic.
> If you didn't sell up and burn you bridges in the UK you were called 'none committed'.
> ...


This post is totally irrelavant to Vassys suituation. At no time has there been any talk of him buying a property so what does this have to do with this thread?
Please read threads properly before inputting advice which is nothing to do with the situation in question.


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## Tanager (Mar 14, 2009)

vassy83 said:


> Hi thanks for the advice sorry I disagree on others bringing up your children it's our responsibility to bring up and care for our children we need to make the decisions for our kids without constant inference from everyone else


Hi Vassy83,

I felt the same when we were living at home. I love my parents and they are great but you need space, you need your own home, even if it's a one bedroom apartment. Family is important but it's your child not theirs. I agree with you.


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## vassy83 (Apr 28, 2013)

Hi People its been a while still here in cyprus and its a year now ive been here, been to more interviews with more and more rejections either no experience when i have clearly 5 years experience for the jobs applying for. I have to come to the decision to return to the UK end of October and leave cyprus for good my patience has ran out and cannot sit here in the family home any longer with a wife and baby. To be honest nothing like home!


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## GraceA (Aug 7, 2013)

Sounds like a good idea. The economic situation is not going to improve any time soon, and the societal issues (someone upthread mentioned that foreign men married to Cypriots are secretly despised) aren't either. 

When you've realised that you've taken a wrong turn, the smartest thing is to go back to where you took the wrong turning, not to keep on the wrong path.

Somebody said, "An optimist is someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's a cha-cha." 

So be optimistic! Best of luck to you!


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## vassy83 (Apr 28, 2013)

Grace A thanks for your response very true it will not get any better in the current economic climate, this is just the begining economically wise for the long road to recovery for cyprus. I have come to the decision after sitting thinking and being realistic it's time to go back home to the uk and get down to work instead of sitting here wasting my time in cyprus. 

It's been a experience an I have got the idea of living here out of my system and know that the grass is not greener on the other side. I will always been seen as a foreigner here although my parents are greek I class myself british as I was born and grew up in London and now the way I have experienced things here in cyprus I'm very proud to be British.


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