# Widows and widowers



## Guest (Jun 4, 2010)

I am going through the grieving stages since losing my much loved husband of 2 and bit years. I am interested in the thoughts, opinions of others in my situation as to how they get /got through the various stages and if they looked for, felt they needed, got help from anywhere. If they did was it a help ? I am really struggling with some things and would like some feedback. PM or on here I don't mind. 

Thank you


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## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

I always feel for you Val when I see your posts. Sometimes you seem happy and relaxed, but sometimes theres a hint of sadness. My father died when I was young and it took my mum 2 years before she really came to terms with the loss. In fact she used to say that the first two years were just a time for her to adjust and to realise that he was gone. After that, she learned to accept that he wasnt there anymore and gradually she could start to talk and remember their life together. She wouldnt move house or throw any of his belongings away for those first two years either. So I guess, well for her, there was a two year "grieving period" She referred to that time as her "wallowing in self pity" time - nowt wrong with that, its just a shame that anyone has to go thru such a trauma at all!!! I wish with all my heart that you can get you thru this Val, but you'll wake up one day and you'll be able to deal with it! 

My mum eventually joined a group for grieving widows and widowers and she met another chap - he didnt replace my dad, but it gave her a companion, someone to share things with and laugh again

Jo xxx


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## Tallulah (Feb 16, 2009)

I can't even begin to imagine what you're feeling Val. Close family have lost their partners but I have no direct experience - just please know that we have you in our minds and hearts so if you don't have any immediate support, we're here for you. xxxx


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## Guest (Jun 4, 2010)

jojo said:


> I always feel for you Val when I see your posts. Sometimes you seem happy and relaxed, but sometimes theres a hint of sadness. My father died when I was young and it took my mum 2 years before she really came to terms with the loss. In fact she used to say that the first two years were just a time for her to adjust and to realise that he was gone. After that, she learned to accept that he wasnt there anymore and gradually she could start to talk and remember their life together. She wouldnt move house or throw any of his belongings away for those first two years either. So I guess, well for her, there was a two year "grieving period" She referred to that time as her "wallowing in self pity" time - nowt wrong with that, its just a shame that anyone has to go thru such a trauma at all!!! I wish with all my heart that you can get you thru this Val, but you'll wake up one day and you'll be able to deal with it!
> 
> My mum eventually joined a group for grieving widows and widowers and she met another chap - he didnt replace my dad, but it gave her a companion, someone to share things with and laugh again
> 
> Jo xxx


Thanks jojo,I have been happier at times but then something happens and down I go again. I believe that I have accepted he is gone, I was with him when he died. He is in many of my conversations you cant help it he is a part of me a huge part of me he was my big fella I remember him well his ways his eyes corrrrrr  his smile his hands which were never far from mine and lots more all with a smile 99 % of the time. Our wedding day was the most magical day and will never be forgotten. 

In some things I am probably trying to run before I can walk but I know life has to go on, I am not very patient especially with myself I dont think. I want my life back but have accepted it will be different so much different without him. It is all in limbo of one sort or another.


Tallulah thanks very much


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## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

Its obviously different for everyone. Its nice you were with him and close to him when he "popped off". Not many people get that. Its lovely that you and he were so in love and together at the end. I guess you have to go thru the injustice that he was taken away from you prematurely, the sorrow and the almost anger that he left you when you werent ready... But give yourself time. If I remember, my mum had very black days and very slowly those days got interspersed with slightly better days and eventually she got days where she'd just get bad moments.

I think you're impatient, and I dont blame you for feeling like that. A diversion, doing something that you've never done before?? may help???? But its not gonna happen overnight sadly. But you've gotta wait until the better days increase and the bad ones decrease and only time will do that I think????

Jo xxx


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## Quetzal (May 17, 2010)

My Dad died 5 years ago right before our daughter was born. My Mom still misses him a lot. I felt that I understood her grief just a little after hearing this song. It has been redone recently but this is the best version I've heard. I don't know you and I don't have any idea if you like Old School American Country Music. But here it is Vern Gosdin Chiseled in stone: 



I cry every time I here it. Wiping the tears away as I write. 
I hope you the very best. Besos.


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## Joppa (Sep 7, 2009)

I have been happily married for close on 30 years and I sometimes think what it would be like to lose my wife, as several of my friends have recently lost their partners. We do talk about it sometimes, as we feel it's important to share these feelings, even though hopefully neither us would have to face it for many more years to come. We have a will, paid for our funerals and have been sorting out our affairs, so should the unthinkable happen, at least the surviving spouse would be spared the agony of having to sort out tangled financial and other affairs, and have told our children where to find our papers and so on. Of course we still have to deal with our loss and know the grief won't be easy, but have told each other we need to seek our own future happiness. We have wonderful children, and though they have their own lives and partners, we still remain close and see one another as much as possible, so I know we can continue to rely on their emotional and other support following bereavement - as it will be a shared grief for them too. We have separate as well as shared interests and hobbies, so hopefully they will continue as well as our friendships.

I think it's an important stage in the grieving process to have a time to share with others going through the same things. While individual grief differs, there is sufficient common ground and experience so it's valuable and comforting - at least we all know what it's like to lose a life's partner. One thing that many expats face is the lack of support structure when some tragedies strike. I don't know your individual circumstances, but is there an expat support group for the bereaved? I knew a good friend of ours who, following her husband's death, trained as a bereavement counsellor and was able to help others going through the same thing, as well as being a healing process for her. And whether you are religious or not, a member of the clergy is usually very helpful and will only be pleased to see you, as they have a lot of experience with death and bereavement and sure to have a lot of contacts locally. If you are reluctant to contact them yourself, have a word with someone who attends church or chaplaincy and they will pass the word to them.
Hope this has been of help to you.


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## dunmovin (Dec 19, 2008)

Actually the most important part of the process is the point where you realise that "why could have not been me?" and then think that's so selfish, why would you want to inflict the hurt and loss you feel on a loved one

to quote Chris Rea

"I'll be alright, though I may cry,
the tears that flow, they always dry,
it's just i would rather be with you now,"

Val my heart goes out you


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## Guest (Jun 5, 2010)

Joppa said:


> I have been happily married for close on 30 years and I sometimes think what it would be like to lose my wife, as several of my friends have recently lost their partners. We do talk about it sometimes, as we feel it's important to share these feelings, even though hopefully neither us would have to face it for many more years to come. We have a will, paid for our funerals and have been sorting out our affairs, so should the unthinkable happen, at least the surviving spouse would be spared the agony of having to sort out tangled financial and other affairs, and have told our children where to find our papers and so on. Of course we still have to deal with our loss and know the grief won't be easy, but have told each other we need to seek our own future happiness. We have wonderful children, and though they have their own lives and partners, we still remain close and see one another as much as possible, so I know we can continue to rely on their emotional and other support following bereavement - as it will be a shared grief for them too. We have separate as well as shared interests and hobbies, so hopefully they will continue as well as our friendships.
> 
> I think it's an important stage in the grieving process to have a time to share with others going through the same things. While individual grief differs, there is sufficient common ground and experience so it's valuable and comforting - at least we all know what it's like to lose a life's partner. One thing that many expats face is the lack of support structure when some tragedies strike. I don't know your individual circumstances, but is there an expat support group for the bereaved? I knew a good friend of ours who, following her husband's death, trained as a bereavement counsellor and was able to help others going through the same thing, as well as being a healing process for her. And whether you are religious or not, a member of the clergy is usually very helpful and will only be pleased to see you, as they have a lot of experience with death and bereavement and sure to have a lot of contacts locally. If you are reluctant to contact them yourself, have a word with someone who attends church or chaplaincy and they will pass the word to them.
> Hope this has been of help to you.


Thank you for your reply. I am glad you have dealt with the funerals etc 

I have tried to connect with others in my situation but most seem unwilling unable to talk about it. I am not all religious and would not go down that road. I do not live in an ex pat area really but may have a look to see if there is any kind of support other than the lady I have. I was hoping others on here that are in or have been in the situation might like to talk openly or privately.


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## Stravinsky (Aug 12, 2007)

ValL said:


> Thank you for your reply. I am glad you have dealt with the funerals etc
> 
> 
> 
> I have tried to connect with others in my situation but most seem unwilling unable to talk about it. I am not all religious and would not go down that road. I do not live in an ex pat area really but may have a look to see if there is any kind of support other than the lady I have. I was hoping others on here that are in or have been in the situation might like to talk openly or privately.


Ah well, here I go! 

My sister is going through a similar process, having lost her husband of 40 years in April. Not suprisingly she is going through a rough time and finding it difficult to adjust to him not being there. One of the most difficult things for her is going home every night to an empty house. She has been relying on friends and family to support her, but still finds it a struggle in these early stages of mourning.

These tips are off another site, but mirror what professionals have been telling her:

++++

1. Join a grief support group. Being with people who have experienced similar losses can help you cope with your grief. Just knowing you’re not alone can be reassuring; spending time with people who care helps you deal with your painful feelings. If you don’t find the bereavement group to be supportive, don’t be afraid to try a different one! And, joining a grief support group for widowers or widowers will show you how others cope with loss — which will help with your own mourning process.

2. Learn how “cybergrieving” works. Many people are now using sites like MySpace and their own personal blogs to deal with their feelings about the death of a loved one. To deal with grief, visit the blog or website of your loved one and write to them on it. You can write poetry, letters, songs, or even a one-liner, simply stating how you feel and what you think. This tip for grieving widowers or widowers involves finding different or unusual ways to let go of someone you love.

3. Let go of the past slowly. Feeling your grief, anger, guilt, and all your emotions is important. Let yourself grieve. You may feel like your heart will break or you’ll fall into a black pit and never get out – but you have to feel your feelings before you can heal. Letting go of the past through expression of your feelings is healthy way to grieve for widows and widowers.

4. Remember that time heals. Time does heal when you’re dealing with grief. Whether it completely heals ALL wounds is a different story, but it does dull the pain a little. Your feelings of loss and sadness may never go away, but with time your heavy burden of sadness will lighten.

++++

Heres a forum site that is indicative of what is available on line Widows Too Young Forum - Support

There's a lady a few doors away whos husband died in 2006 after a short battle with cancer. She hasn't made any attempts to come to terms with his death. She still has his ashes on the bedside cabinet, she doesn't go out anywhere, she always refers to her husband by name in conversations ... like for instance "Bob wouldn't have agreed with that". We try very hard to help her move on, but I dont think she ever will because its a habit to her now.

I hope this helps a little bit, it's really experience from what my sister has experienced.

If you need help with anything then email me, you have the address I think.


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## Guest (Jun 6, 2010)

Stravinsky said:


> Ah well, here I go!
> 
> My sister is going through a similar process, having lost her husband of 40 years in April. Not suprisingly she is going through a rough time and finding it difficult to adjust to him not being there. One of the most difficult things for her is going home every night to an empty house. She has been relying on friends and family to support her, but still finds it a struggle in these early stages of mourning.
> 
> ...


I have been in the black pit, I still head that way some days but I know I have to deal with it and then move on. I have been down there before and feel that only me can make the move up so just take the bad with good days and hope that the next one has more smiles in it. His photo makes me smile broadly  I would not be who I am now without his love and caring. 

The lady above could me ! I have no transport, in the early days when I did go to town I was more likely to be in tears and wanting to out of there after an hour or so. We did not socialise very mich as my husband was away a lot and when home we spent time together. The friends we did have have miracously gone down to 1 couple. I asked several for practical help and never heard from them again..... others who were work colleagues of his have turned out to be a godsend but have their own lifes children and full social lives. A widow is not looked on very favourable by other wives lol all we want to borrow your husband for is the heavy work or something we just a litlle help with.Jumping inot bed with him is NOT on my agenda, even if you think he is infinately fanciable.


Thank you for the very helpful info and yes I am sure I have your contact details. [/FONT


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