# Dubai - Need Advice on Relationship



## LullaBlue (Dec 13, 2016)

I recently met someone in Dubai. As i am Western and he is a local (origin from Pakistan) i need some advices regarding our culture difference.

To make it simple, he seem to be a really nice and caring person and very respectful, but i dont know him so well and i have not met anyone from his circle. I want to know before going further if anyone have experience or heard about similar experience.

He grew up in UAE but his parents are from pakistan so it might be different from Emirati mindset too. So just feel free to give me some advicr or feedback on what i should expect.

Thank you in advance!


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## dime06 (Dec 28, 2014)

Not sure what do u mean by "local' but you will find many "local looking" pakistani expats who have been living here from decades. if this word has some weightage in your relationship then you may need to investigate further.
Also not knowing him well and haven't meet his circle is not a good start.

Otherwise pakistani men are very family oriented and traditional.


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## LullaBlue (Dec 13, 2016)

Thank you for your reply. There is no negative meaning when i say local. But as a multicultural city there is definitely lots of cultural difference and that is why i would like to know what should be expected in this relationship.

I know not meeting his family isnt a good start. I hope it will come soon. We spoke about it, he said that gis family will be happy with anyone he will choose.

I wanted to know more about people who have experienced relationship with people from uae. How does it go differently from europe culture. What was difficult for them?


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## TallyHo (Aug 21, 2011)

This is the big clue. It may mean nothing or it may mean everything. If you have not met his friends or family members than proceed with caution. He may sweet talking you into certain types of activities not so easily found among women of his background sans marriage. On the other hand he may be sincere and looking for a different kind of life than the more conservative or traditional one he grew up with and being with you is a brave new world with many challenges for him. 

I've been in the UAE long enough to know that when a local or an expat from the region refuses to introduce his girlfriend to his family or friends, it is not a good sign. You need to have a frank discussion with him about his intents and don't allow yourself to get too emotionally involved until you've met his family/friends. And even then the cultural and religious binds can be too strong that despite good intentions now, the relationships ends in tears down the road. 

There are many successful mixed relationships in Dubai and they are based on openness and frankness and honesty. You will generally find that in cases of extreme cultural differences such as a westerner with a "local" partner (almost always Muslim, whether Arab or South Asian), what happens is that the couple goes one way (western) or the other (local). What are you willing to consider? 

Good luck.



LullaBlue said:


> i have not met anyone from his circle.
> 
> Thank you in advance!


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## Stevesolar (Dec 21, 2012)

TallyHo said:


> This is the big clue. It may mean nothing or it may mean everything. If you have not met his friends or family members than proceed with caution. He may sweet talking you into certain types of activities not so easily found among women of his background sans marriage. On the other hand he may be sincere and looking for a different kind of life than the more conservative or traditional one he grew up with and being with you is a brave new world with many challenges for him.
> 
> I've been in the UAE long enough to know that when a local or an expat from the region refuses to introduce his girlfriend to his family or friends, it is not a good sign. You need to have a frank discussion with him about his intents and don't allow yourself to get too emotionally involved until you've met his family/friends. And even then the cultural and religious binds can be too strong that despite good intentions now, the relationships ends in tears down the road.
> 
> ...


Spot on!


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## LullaBlue (Dec 13, 2016)

For the family i want to give him a bit more time if he need time before he introduce me to them. We are in a relationship for a month only.
Maybe he needs more time to introduce me to his family?

I am willing to compromise. I respect his religion and beliefs. If i have to cook hallal food or stop drinking i already consider those compromises. In the meantime he also said it was ok for him if i was not muslim and i didnt not follow his religion, so i will see if he has soecific request regarding religion.

He said that his family will agree on anyone he would choose. Maybe there will be some compromise - things that he think are natural for him but wont be for me, in every relation there are compromise.

I just hope he wont ask me to convert. I read that it was not required for bride based on the law in uae - but in practice maybe some family push for it... 

If he want to live in uae i am fine with it. What makes me more worried is if he decide to marry someone from his ethny, culture, religion or whatsoever... I am afraid to put too much feelings into that relation.

For the rest, i havent seen any other problems or compromise that i would need to make. Anything specific?


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## Stevesolar (Dec 21, 2012)

LullaBlue said:


> For the family i want to give him a bit more time if he need time before he introduce me to them. We are in a relationship for a month only.
> Maybe he needs more time to introduce me to his family?
> 
> I am willing to compromise. I respect his religion and beliefs. If i have to cook hallal food or stop drinking i already consider those compromises. In the meantime he also said it was ok for him if i was not muslim and i didnt not follow his religion, so i will see if he has soecific request regarding religion.
> ...


Hi,
His family would almost certainly insist that you convert to his religion before they would condone him getting married to you.
In any case - one month in - far too early to be contemplating marriage!
Best of luck
Steve


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## SimonB_ZA (Nov 13, 2016)

Is he a Sharia Muslim?


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## TallyHo (Aug 21, 2011)

Do you want to raise your children Muslim? Are you comfortable with that? His family, being more traditional, would most certainly expect and demand that even if they allow you to get away with not converting, for in Islam the wife doesn't have to be Muslim as long as she's one of the approved religions (Christianity and Judaism being the other for they are also Abrahamic faiths), but the children have to be Muslim, no ifs and buts.

A month into a relationship is, of course, too early to even be thinking about marriage and children, but if you know down the road that you will not be comfortable with converting or raising your own children in the Islamic faith, then the sensible thing is to not proceed with the relationship, at least on a more serious level. 

Many people in the West don't understand that Islam isn't just a religion, it is for many, if not most, of its followers, an entire life system. Just about every aspect of their life is governed by the religion. There are certainly Muslims who treat the religion as many Christians do in the West, a cultural background rather than faith, maybe going off to prayers on Friday or during the holidays but otherwise not devout. But it sounds like your boyfriend's family belongs to the more traditional and devout following of Islam. There will be a lot of pressure from the family/friends to ensure that he conforms to the faith's expectations, not just for himself but also for his wife and children. If he doesn't, it's seen as a betrayal of their values. 

I don't want to scare you and I certainly don't know your boyfriend or his family but you should be aware of exactly what you're getting into, which is why you need to ask both yourself and your boyfriend many, many questions about family and life expectations. 




LullaBlue said:


> I just hope he wont ask me to convert. I read that it was not required for bride based on the law in uae - but in practice maybe some family push for it...


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## svgeorge (Jul 9, 2016)

First off, he's not a 'local'... only an Emirati is a local here.. your boyfriend is also here on some visa and sooner or later he might have to eventually go back to Pakistan.. are you comfortable with having to go and live in Pakistan and raise your children there if the situation arises?
Now if you consider moving to Australia with him.. have your asked yourself if he is in a relationship with you with a primary intention of an easy PR to Australia? What about his education and income status? Is he better off than you or the other way around?
All said and done, there are definitely a lot of cross cultural marriages that have worked.. but usually only after understanding each other for at least a year or more.. i personally think it is too early for you to even consider marriage..


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## UKlaw (Jul 6, 2016)

As a Pakistani (but anglo-pakistani) in a 'mixed' marriage- my wife is Irish, there are certainly lot of things to consider. I was born in the USA, where I met my wife and am certainly more westernised than many others- I don't mind going out, drinking etc.
Due to some family turmoil- and there always is in Pakistani families, we had to move to Lahore, Pakistan. We have a large circle of friends and my wife has a number of friends in the same 'boat' and appears to be happy (well I hope so!).
However, there are some points you should note:
1. whereas your boyfriend may be modern, his family almost certainly will not be and, even if you convert, take hijab, you will be considered an outsider- we have been married 15 years and my family still treat the wife as someone who 'stole/corrupted' me;
2. (not my case)- but Pakistani boys worship their mothers and do whatever they say as a general rule. If you have an extended family set up, don't be surprised if your mother in law moves in, or you move in with her. Either way, it will be her house and what she says will go- even if you/your partner pay the bills/own the house etc.
3. whereas the worry was always that my family would not accept the wife, the opposite became apparent after we married. Her Boston Irish family did not accept me because of race. It was only when we had kids that my mother/father in law actually started talking to us. Before, my father in law once chased me down the garden path with a gardening tool.
4. I agree with the comment above regarding passport to Australia. If there is any talk/suggestion of it, don't fall for it. Many Pakistanis are obsessed with immigration.


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## UKlaw (Jul 6, 2016)

TallyHo said:


> Do you want to raise your children Muslim? Are you comfortable with that? His family, being more traditional, would most certainly expect and demand that even if they allow you to get away with not converting, for in Islam the wife doesn't have to be Muslim as long as she's one of the approved religions (Christianity and Judaism being the other for they are also Abrahamic faiths), but the children have to be Muslim, no ifs and buts.
> 
> A month into a relationship is, of course, too early to even be thinking about marriage and children, but if you know down the road that you will not be comfortable with converting or raising your own children in the Islamic faith, then the sensible thing is to not proceed with the relationship, at least on a more serious level.
> 
> ...



It is written in the Quran that a Muslim man may marry a non-christian woman; but not the other way around. There is one core requirement- you will have to say to the imam that you will raise your children as muslim. In addition, you will have to specify your 'haq mehr'.

However, culturally, many from the Sub- continent do not believe this is the case. There will be some pressure for you to convert. My wife and I married without her converting (*see below); but my parents asked me to inform anyone in the family, if asked, to confirm that my wife converted. It may be that you have to take a Muslim name too- we were lucky- my wife's Irish name was Islamic too.
Something to note though, we got married in the US- where if you convert to Islam, there is no formal process as such- simply a declaration you have to say in Arabic. some countries, such pakistan, require an actual form/certificate from the imam who witnesses the conversion. we had to move to pakistan and the govt authorities insisted on seeing the form/certificate before the regularised my wife's immigration status. I am unsure if UAE has the same.
We have two kids now- both boys- and whilst we always took the view that we would 'raise them to believe the difference between right and wrong' and that religion did not play a large part of our lives, our eldest is now 10- and declares that he is muslim. sometimes, it annoys my wife but she, herself, reminds herself that she did declare to raise her kids as muslims....


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