# Teenager doesnt want to move



## Rosydon (Oct 4, 2008)

My daughter is 16 years old and over the last year she has made that known "big time". She does not like me, her sister and went right off her step father. We were talking about emigrating for along time as my husband is american and she wanted to, she didnt , she did. Wwell we have decided we are going and she has changed her mind again and this time she haas changed her mind again. She says she wants to stay to do her o levels so she has moved in with my sister whilst me and her sister live with my mum around the corner to get her settled in and until she decides for sure if this is what she wants. Well is seems it is and she seems to be glad she has made the decision and is having a blast and it seems she at this rate wont come even after her o levels on top of which she seems to be giving me the attitude like "I have got my way". Her teenage attitude as hurtful as it is I can ride out but I am feeling really guilty at the thought of leaving her and I have had memebers of my family telling me how awful I am. I am hoping she will come over, she has her visa, she said she wanted to do her o levels but what if she doesnt come over after that? Is there anyone out there that has any advice


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## Tiffani (Dec 4, 2007)

sorry to hear that your daughter is being stroppy. I would wager she's not the first teenager to behave this way  (in fact, someone moving from the UK to Oz earlier this year had the same problem) 

I don't have kids so anything I say here will be purely academic, but you can either force her to move with you and let her be miserable for a while, or you can let her stay knowing that you're leaving her behind. She's probably given you the "it's my life!" line more than once, and that's true. But it's also YOUR life and you shouldn't have to sacrifice your dreams to accommodate someone who's changing her mind every three hours and isn't mature enough to make an educated decision about her own future (then again, are any of us really?)

Don't let your family members make you feel guilty though about leaving her if that's what ends up happening. This is between you and your daughter. 

No real advice but I'm sorry that you're going through this and you're not alone. From a purely practical standpoint, it would make sense for her to go with you because she could get her permanent residency and eventual citizenship, and then she'll be able to live wherever she wants in the US or Europe for the rest of her life. It would open up opportunities that will no longer be available to her once she's over 21. I'm sure she's not looking past this Friday, but for her future and the future of her family (the one she chooses when she's an adult) it would behoove her to move to the US and get that passport while she still has the chance.


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

Ooh, boy - it's stuff like this that makes me glad I never had kids!

Another purely academic point of view - but how does your sister (the one your daughter moved in with) feel about all this? If she's willing to take responsibility for a stroppy teenager for the next couple of years, then it could be a good lesson in "learning to live with your decisions." OTOH, you might want to check with your sister to see if maybe she just offered to let her move in based on the belief that she'd change her mind once again before the Big Move.

Either way, I'd say you should put your daughter in charge of negotiating a reasonable agreement with your sister regarding how long she'll be staying, what the house rules will be and what happens when she has completed her o-levels (i.e. join you in the US or not). If she stays behind, I imagine you'd have to do something "official" to allow your sister guardianship of your daughter - and obviously it's your sister who has to agree to take on that sort of responsibility. 

You might also think about having her contribute to your sister's household in some tangible way. Teenagers can be expensive to keep and if it's her decision to stay, you shouldn't be on the hook for paying all her costs from across the Pond. She should have some commitments to live up to - whether to get a job to help contribute to her upkeep, or to provide babysitting or house cleaning services in exchange for her room and board.

If she gets her way, make sure she is aware that there's a price to pay.
Cheers,
Bev


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## Rosydon (Oct 4, 2008)

Thankyou so much for these replies. This is tearing me apart and one day I am feeling assertive and ready to like you say let her learn "her lessons in life" and the next she is my baby again. Every point raised has been thought about "to death". I talked openly with my sister about my reservations about making her leave and the advantages of letting her stay to do her gcses and coming over afterwards. My sister applies a much more "liberal" approach to her parenting than I would. She has 4 boys from 17 ro 23 and as much as they are great kids I dont believe her boundaries would be as concise as mine and her expectations of respect as a parent from them quite loose. My sister had actually already chatted to my daughter about the move and was on side already and her thoughts were well if she doesnt want to do it that is the way it is. This falls in line with her parenting of her own kids as she gives in to everything they want. I appreciate her doing this I really do but there were things discussed before she moved in that have not been stuck to. She gave her her sons room and moved him into a tiny room as she said he was moving out anyway. She got the room totally decorated and basically created a cushty little set up where the boundaries can be pushed and she can be "who she wants to be". Now dont get me wrong she is a good kid and academically she works well but she wants her cake and wants to eat it to and now she has that couresy of my sister. My sisters house as I have described it in the past is all the fun of a student pad but with mum there cooking and cleaning. She basically handed the house over to the kids. I have stood back and said very little and observed over the last few weeks and not stepped in. What I see does not bode well for the future and it has back fired slightly on me as I did think she would have spent some time there and then been busting to come with us. I have her visa in place and as long as she activates it I think it is good to go even if she doesnt remain living in the USA with us. I am unsure about this. I can envisage when she has her fun drained dry and she has gone through her latest phase she will then want to move on to pastures new and that is where we will come in. The problem is my family think I am being hard on her as she is not coming with us but it has nothing to do with that at all, if she wants to stay and do her exams I am happy she is making sensible moves if that is what it is about (I have my doubts) what they dont seem to realise is that I am as down on her now as I have been for the last 8 months and it is because she is cheeky, disrepsectful and uses and abuses me and I do not like to be treated this way and do not want to be around her until she learns some manners. She wants to have all the advantages of being 16 with all the dispensations of being a child and I have made it known to her NO you choose one or the other and if you chose independance you get the full shebang which involves the job and the responsibilty etc. She doesnt wnat to be with me now becasue of that and my husband and I agree on thsi point so she has opted for somewhere she can have this. So I think I have to play the waiting game to see who breaks first but it cannot be me or she will walk all over me for the rest of her life if I let her.


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

On top of everything else, you probably have the issue of the step-parent. My husband has two kids, and his daughter apparently reacted quite badly to the divorce. (Understandable, given her age at the time.)

By the time I came along, she was living with her mother and almost 18 - thank goodness. She made it clear all along that she didn't approve of her father's remarriage and she makes a huge point of simply ignoring my existence. There's lots more to it than that, but let's just say I kind of understand how your husband may be feeling about this.

It sounds to me like there's probably lots of "history" behind your situation. The fact that she seems to have established herself over at your sister's place may mean that there's not alot you can do at the moment. If your sister is ok with taking over her guardianship for the duration, maybe that's the way to go. Give her a set deadline for when she will be expected to come over and join you - and if she chooses not to, then she's on her own. (Yeah, I know - these things are easier for me as "the evil stepmother" - obviously you have to decide for yourself how tough you can be with her, but do think of your husband's feelings, too.)
Cheers,
Bev


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## tomben (Dec 31, 2008)

You can tell your daughter its OK to come over now, Bush is leaving office 

Seriously i wonder did you attempt to sell, and even over sell the concept of moving to America for her? Bigger house, bigger bedroom, attractions in the area you would be moving to, more interesting holidays, more affordable car when she learns to drive, guys interested in her accent etc etc 
If that does not work you could try to bribe her by buying her something.


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## twostep (Apr 3, 2008)

Please do not take this personal. You are dealing with a spoiled rotten brat and let her run the family's life. What makes you think things will change?


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## Rosydon (Oct 4, 2008)

You know what you have no idea how much these responses mean to me. Its not like everything that I am hearing is something that I havent heard before as believe me everything that has being said is something that over this horrendous period of time I have thought about, lost sleep over thinking about and it isnt easy having to think of your model daughter as a "spoilt brat" but guess what....if the cap fits. Yes she is but I still love her. The unfortunate thing is that she has over the years visited my famly but not a part of my sister and her families life and they are not privvy or aware of the dynamics involved in the last year especially with regard to what a brat she can be as, as always your own will always play up to you but to everyone else they are angels. I am basically being labelled a bad parent. My ex partner is launching a diabolical tirade of abuse and accusation against myself and my husabnd assassinating our characters in an attempt to stop me moving to America and it has gone as far as a full social work report as he is alledging abuse. Well the abuse being that my husband and I would like every couple had our fair share of lifes problems but NO according to him these were massive unmanageable abusive displays of negligence and abuse against the children. All nonsense but a great way to stall the inevitable and hopefully with too many problems make it all go away. So many things are happening concurrently with my situation right now and right at the middle of it I have this paralel situation with my 16 year old daugther and he is using that to THE MAX. My youngest who IS actually wanting to come with us is the issue but to substantiate her not gong he is saying that my 16 year old holds the key and she is being used as the big picture. My 16 year old whether America was on the cards would be going through this regardless and it is being exploited to the max. This is the big problem here. It is all very very complex. Suffice as to say that the main problem is that my daughter has chosen a VERY bad time to do this and it is having far reaching affects which could result in me ending up having to remain in the UK whilst my husband is in America, my furniture is there, my dog is there and I have no job come March as I am on a temporary contract and I advised them of my plans. My eldest daughter is not his biological daughter, only my youngest is but she is adamant she wants to go and refuses to see her Dad at all until he stops all the horrible things he is doing. He of course cannot substantiate his case with our dauhgter because she does want to go so instead he is using my 16 year old and her issues right now and saying that they are as a result of being so abused. Oh my Lord she is such a pampered pooch it is unbelieveable but the fact is, if it is put out there it has to be investigated and he could squeeze quite a few months out of this game. Fact is other than a couple of years ago when my husband and I had some marital problems as a result of him becoming gravely ill and being told that he might end up incontinent as a result of his problems (which thankfully did not happen and was rectified with surgery) we have just been living life with its usual ups and downs and my ex is suggesting that he is a violent absusive alcoholic that beats me up and subjected the children to this abuse. Fact is it is all nonsense and can be proved as such. He isnt happy with phoning in an anonymous referral to social services and putting us all through the humiliating ordeal of having to be interviewed by a social worker he has now pushed it to a full social work report through the courts although the report lodged today with my statement from this interviewing social worker clearly says there are no concerns as a result of this referral. These I know are all stall tactics but as a person that has prided themselves on a job well done as a parent and having to deal with the trials and tribulations of a teenager at present also, everything is stacking up against me and I feel totally beaten down. Meanwhile my husband is sitting in the states in a $90,000 a year job going "huh?" As an american he cannot believe the amount of red tape and trash that can be put out there that could in some way if not totally proved as nonsense could mean I am looking at a totally wrecked life. Thankfully it can be but in the mean time I am sitting in my mothers home with my daughter as we rented our house as we couldnt sell it, we have 2 suitcaes and everything else is sitting in a port in Florida and right at the last minute for maximum affect her father who has been the biggest ice cream and candy floss Dad on the planet has decided "Yah know what, I dont think I want her to go". My daughter who is 12 has told him that she does and she refuses to stay and is being told "you are 12 you dont get a say". My husband has in every way supported the girls for the last 5 years (bar £27.00 from their Dad) that was infrequently collected by the CSA and found a better paying job as his job here was so unstable to further support us all. All the good that has been achieved is now being levelled against this small period of time that lasted 3 weeks and exploited to the fullest to make my husband look like a total nutcase. Again all lies and can be proved but it will take time not to mention a lot of money. My sister is not exactly the mot supportive and instead is choosing to play the good parent routine instead of what I believe she should be doing which is "quit the anitics, its not the time, lets deal with this situation and after it is don and dusted the stage is yours". I dont want her to solve my situation for me I just never imagined that she would actually become yet another thing I have to try to control. It has all got terribly mixed up and I have jsut tried to do what is best and out of the blue all this other stuff started and when I should be dealing with my daughter and making sure she is doing the right thing I am stuck in the middle of this ridiculous situation. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH.


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## twostep (Apr 3, 2008)

Have you sat down with the brat and laid out the law as in "we are leaving you can stay behind without support"? She sounds a bit like a young lady I know who did clean up her act in the long run. 
Can you legally take the kids to the US?
You may not like your sister's way of running her life but it is her's.
Has your husband at least started the visa process for you and your daughters by now?


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## Tiffani (Dec 4, 2007)

geez sounds like a total nightmare. Hopefully all of the accusations will be proven baseless very quickly (it would be nice for the ex to get a fine for wasting the courts' time too  ) and you'll be able to move on with your life. 

Sounds like a really miserable situation


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## Rosydon (Oct 4, 2008)

Oh yes the visa process is well under way lol. Nearly £4000 of fees, immunisations, medicals, flights and hotel costs we went to London for the final time to the embassy after having gone 2weeks prior for the medical to get the visas. How proud was I with my folder and all the reuired forms and photos and tax docs and affadavits and OH MY GOODNESS anyone that has been there knows. After nearly 5 hours of up and down and after being relieved of the final visa payment for our 3 visas we are informed that my eldest daughter and I have been given our visas but my dauhgters has been halted as "her father" had contacted the embassy to say that he was her father, with parental responsibility and he belived that was attaining a visa to kidnap my daughter even though the specific issues order had been filed with the courts 3 weeks preivous and he hadnt turned up at court. It was devastating so I did not take any of them. I walked down Oxford Street with the children trying to hide my sobs from teh kids and phoned my solicitor to hear that the double whammy was just at that very minute her secretary was giving her a fax, almost as if it had been timed for maximum effect to say that he had filed a "prohibited steps order" with the court and a letter alledging all this nonsense about my husband, this was after he had already contact socail services with this anonymous referral. Oh by the way I say we went to London twice.....we live in Northern Ireland. I have in the last months all on my own packed up a 5 bedroom house, shipped a dog, managed to get our house rented, tried to deal with my daughter's "stuff", taken the children to USA to visit the city of Jacksonville to see as to whether they liked it and to visit the schools and meet their principals, choose where they would want to live, my husband moved apartments to get into the catchement area for the best schools n Jacksonville. Oh my goodness we have done everything, bought them laptops with webcams when they were there when they decided they wanted to move so they could keep in contact and my husband swiped the card they were asked again" are you sure this is what you want, yo definately want to move" and a week after we got back my eldest changed her mind. We went to the universities and she wa sover the moon and talking abut student life etc. We did all and some to make sure it was all done as correctly as possible and the visa was the last thing on the list and the sense of achievement when he said " I am happy to say" followed by "unfortunately"....I was numb. My family dont even understand what I have done to this point to get here as I lived ina town 25 miles away before I rented the house and I did it alone and would see them occasionally and just got on with it. The only thing I asked of anyone was if my mum could let us stay until we left which is now a lot longer than was forseen and then when my daughter changed her mind my sister agreed to let her live with her. My youngest daughter is a gem, she is healthy and positive about it and like she says if I dont do it and at least try it I will always regret it. She is comfortable and trusts that there is no way we would allow her to be really unhappy for any proplonged period of time if she doesnt like it and that we would fix the situation but it wont be if it is after 3 weeks lol. She has to give it a reasonable amount of time. I think she will be fine but my eldest just allowed the life she has here to change her mind. She I dont think will come over until she has gone through this phase and when she has and she recognises her behaviour and her perpecity to use and abuse me and maybe even apologises and communicates a differnent attitude then we will facilitate her move but not until she fully understands and appreciates that our house.....our rules and compromise is ok but demands and threats are no longer a bargaining tool or using my ex as a rod to surreptitiously beat me with. This is how this has I suspect possibly rolled around and he has exploited the few tizzy fits and has built them into a whole new thing. Us saying to hte kids get yourself a snack before bed and a drink and go to bed and no pacing the floors at all hours of the night as our house was quite big and my husband was a stickler for making sure all the doors were locked and the electricity sockets all turned off before bed is now being put across that we sent the children to their rooms at 9 and they werent allowed to come out. The rules and reulations were rigid and my husband was a domineering vioelt alcoholic who told us all what we could do. Which is really quite funny as "he should be so lucky". Three women in the house...poor man was out numbered. Stupid things that have been twisted to make them sound abusive. Saying the children and I told him dreadful things when they didnt occur. Just stupid ridiculous allegations that have forced the hand f the courts as they have to investigate and of course they do especially in light of the Baby P affair so his council have been very very manipulative. What I dont understnad is why he is so stupid as to say these things and sign them as the truth when then can all be disproved very clearly. Like "we moved address 9 times" in the last 3 years. We bought a house 3 years ago and prior to that lived in 2 very nice pentouse apartments on a Marina until we found the right house and I sold my house. All very easily disproved. So who knows maybe he will be fined, I would like to think so but yah know what probably not as he will as usual play a victim. He is very good at it when the reality is everyone else does the suffering but that is a different story and 10 years of a nightmare leading to this. I am glad in a way that he has done this as finally maybe the truth will out as I have tolerated it for so long as foolishly I felt it better fort eh kids not to be embroiled in fighting through court and continually calling the police to deal with his harassment. So God works in mysterious ways. Maybe it is all for a reason as if he had just said, "Ok she can go I could not imagine the problems I would be up against in the future when she returned to see him".


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## Fatbrit (May 8, 2008)

Can we have some paragraphs, please? Pretty please?


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## Tiffani (Dec 4, 2007)

hehe agree with Fatbrit. Paragraphs are much easier to read!

It sounds like you have your hands full but you are managing, and once all this gets through the courts (judges, I'm guessing -- and hoping -- can see through the manipulative "play the victim" crap pretty quickly) you'll be on your way. It's a shame that your family has been separated in the meantime by some silly ex who's acting like a toddler.


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## kiwichick (Jan 15, 2009)

i am sending you a great big hug from NZ - sounds like a crap situation.

i would like to say however that as a child of the family court system kids work out who the manipulative party is - especially *****y teenagers who are using it to their advantage. Trust me i was one once and used to play one parent off against the other cos no-one listened to me. 

It will sort its self - i turned out ok i think


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## k98_man (Jan 21, 2009)

Well you're taking her away from friends she has been around for her entire childhood right before her final years in highschool. She has good reason to be upset. (Not saying you're a bad person, but I sympathize with her because I'm 18 and would NOT enjoy moving one or two years ago).

I don't know what you can do to force her over here. Perhaps you can make her come for two years to finish grade school and see if she likes it. If she does she can stay for university and if she doesn't she can go back to university in a couple years.

You probably don't want to hear this, but.....us American boys love British accents. Tell her that and she might come around...


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## kirikara (Jan 21, 2009)

Here again, I have no experience with kids and even less with teenager but you might want to take the courage to really have a talk to her about what all this move means for the family and her llife.
Frankly I dont think a 16 yr old , difficult or not, should be given that choice since it is definitely a time where any kid would say I am staying behind (no parents!fun!) without realizing the implications (morally and emotionally) but i do think they should very strongly be taken into consideration and discussed.
I like the idea that if SHE makes the choice to stay behind, she should ahve to cover expenses in some way.After all, if she is old enough to live without you, she can take care of some of her expenses...

Most importanlty they are is some things that you dont seem to have discussed with her: the fact that this is going to be a family adventure regardless of her coming or not... If she decices to stay behind she is going to miss an important part of the expatriation process of the whole family which means that if she ever decides to come back she will go through all that a little more on her own (and might even feel more excluded than she does now.

I think, given the diffifulty of the visa process and all, I would try to convince her to come now so all the paperwork is done, so she can give it a try and then once she has the choice to live both in the US or home (by then she will be somwhat of an adult), she can make a decision and change of mind as she wishes...I am just afraid that dealing with a confused teenager from afar that might at some point want to join you but can;t because of red tape might be even more stressful.

Lastly, she might be giving you a lot of attitude and driving you crazy, but she might just need a proof of love such as " you are coming with us and that is all", the fact that you are considering leaving her behind might be a double sword for your relationship. You might feel like it could make it better, but it could also hurt her at a later point in her life.


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## Tiffani (Dec 4, 2007)

I would tend to agree with Kirikara.

When I was her age (which wasn't all that long ago) my parents would've given me the option of pouting or being enthusiastic but either way I would be going. There wouldn't have been any real discussion about it except that I would have complained and they would've said that's too bad for me but I need to go pack.


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