# Rate my IELTS Essay



## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

*



It is inevitable that as technology advances, traditional cultures will be lost. It seems that we cannot have these two things together.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Click to expand...

*Answer



> Today, as the world moves toward heights of technological advancements, there is a legitimate concern that traditional cultures will be lost. This classic dilemma has troubled many thinkers and philosophers of the past and present. It is argued that we can have these two things together, without sacrificing the quality of either. Analyzing the way technology harnesses and assists the preservation of ancient cultural relics and how cultures and tradition have thrived due to technological advancements will show this.
> 
> Firstly, it is commonly understood that relics play a significant role in preservation and propagation of a culture. These relics are conserved and made accessible to a larger audience with the help of technology. For instance, museums contain many age old artifacts, which have been well maintained with the help of modern restoration and preservation techniques. Additionally, many of the famous ancient paintings and sculptures that we see today have been maintained by modern technology. Thus, it has been made clear that technology is essential to the existence of culture which proves that both things can coexist.
> 
> ...


Give Band scores...


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## chigz_fj (Jun 8, 2013)

Ok first of all.. I am not an English teacher, nor a scholar of literature, etc ... 
So my comments and thoughts are my own AND I COULD BE VERY MUCH WRONG.. but I take it you need some feedback regardless

Today, as the world moves toward *new * heights of technological advancements, there is a legitimate concern that traditional cultures will be lost. This classic dilemma has troubled many thinkers and philosophers of the past and present. It is argued that we can have these two things together, without sacrificing the quality of either. Analyzing the way technology harnesses and assists the preservation of ancient cultural relics and how cultures and tradition have thrived due to technological advancements will show this.
*
I would avoid the use of Firstly and Secondly to begin any paragraph.. there are some transition words available for this very purpose.. 
Transition words*


Firstly, it is commonly understood that relics play a significant role in preservation and propagation of a culture. These relics are conserved and made accessible to a larger audience with the help of technology. For instance, museums contain many age old artifacts, which have been well maintained with the help of modern restoration and preservation techniques. Additionally, many of the famous ancient paintings and sculptures that we see today have been maintained by modern technology. Thus, it has been made clear that technology is essential to the existence of culture which proves that both things can coexist.


Secondly, ancient traditional cultures have thrived with technological support. For example, old languages have been saved from extinction by digitization of their transcripts and scrolls. Also, a number of secret writings and ciphers have been decoded with modern cryptographic techniques. Moreover, such happenings often pique the public’s interest in traditional culture. Thus, we see that technology aids in cultural propagation, which is further proof that both things can exist together.

To summarize, technology not only helps preserve ancient culture, but it is also a proponent in spreading it. Thus, it is clear that both technology and traditional cultures are here to stay. As the world becomes more technologically advanced, we will see better ways of cultural preservation and propagation.


Last but not the least, I am sorry if I am VERY VERY WRONG WITH THIS.. 

_It is inevitable that as technology advances, traditional cultures will be lost. It seems that we cannot have these two things together.

To what extent do you agree or disagree? 
_

But I thought traditional culture is the topic here .. and not using technology as a means of preserving ancient artifacts ... although the artifacts do have an influence on our culture.. But speaking of traditional culture.. I would also like to factor about the way of life (cultural practices).. for eg: .. Marriages - how they used to be practiced before and how they are practiced now.. As an Indian, I know better then most that before things were a lot more reserved, but the influence of technology plays a major role in the shift of mindset and which is why we are moving away from practices of the past.. Arent we? 

Just my 2 cents ..


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## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

I appreciate the feedback , but ielts writing is about how well ideas are communicated, and not how sound the ideas are.


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## trinkasharma (Mar 20, 2013)

I would start the post like this.

*Please* rate my IELTS essay.
---------------------------
---------------------------
*Kindly* give band scores with your suggestions.


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## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

trinkasharma said:


> I would start the post like this.
> 
> *Please* rate my IELTS essay.
> ---------------------------
> ...


Kindly take your condescension to another thread.


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## Ghostride (Oct 5, 2012)

mjamal14 said:


> I appreciate the feedback , but ielts writing is about how well ideas are communicated, and not how sound the ideas are.


I second chigz's point. The essay needs to be exploring variety of other aspects of cultures as well such as food, dressing, music etc etc... No offence intended but ur essay seems to be monotonous. Although there doesnt need to be an argumentative presentation, u r missing out on lot of other points. Even though ur lexical resources are sound, seem to be out of context at some places. I would definitely rate you very high in regards the word choices but u'd be let down by going off topic. 
Good luck with IELTS , u can definitely aim to get 8 in writing by improving a biy.

Sent from my iphone using expatForum


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## snarayan (Jun 28, 2013)

mjamal14 said:


> Answer
> 
> 
> 
> Give Band scores...


I had just taken my IELTS a couple of weeks back. The best way to get a band 8 is to write an essay which is simple, easy to understand and without a lot of repetition and obviously without grammatical and spelling mistakes. You have managed to address some parts of it quite well. 

However, I believe your essay is a bit too complex with very less ideas conveyed. I even felt that you haven’t given the right task response. The question is about whether traditions are lost because of technology. But your essay speaks about how technology aids tradition. Also the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs convey the same "main idea". This might cost a lot of marks. (I might be wrong though). A good idea would be to have one paragraph which talks about how tradition can co-exist with technology and the other paragraph conveying the message of how technology helps traditions thrive. 

Balance your essay in such a way that all the 4 aspects of the marking criteria are addressed. Believe me, you aren’t expected to write to an oxford or a Cambridge standard. All you need is a clean and a free flowing set of paragraphs. 
For good ideas regarding general topics and tips on writing, refer ielts-simon.com

All the best! You’ll nail it.


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## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

So what I am hearing is the task was not answered correctly(task response) , but the grammar and vocab were good ?


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## Ghostride (Oct 5, 2012)

mjamal14 said:


> So what I am hearing is the task was not answered correctly(task response) , but the grammar and vocab were good ?


Spot on! So, even though I would like to rate it higher, due to the cut off for TR u would be rated between 6-6.5 ! (trust me i've been down the same road).

Sent from my iphone using expatForum


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## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

snarayan said:


> I had just taken my IELTS a couple of weeks back. The best way to get a band 8 is to write an essay which is simple, easy to understand and without a lot of repetition and obviously without grammatical and spelling mistakes. You have managed to address some parts of it quite well.
> 
> However, I believe your essay is a bit too complex with very less ideas conveyed. I even felt that you haven’t given the right task response. The question is about whether traditions are lost because of technology. But your essay speaks about how technology aids tradition. Also the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs convey the same "main idea". This might cost a lot of marks. (I might be wrong though). A good idea would be to have one paragraph which talks about how tradition can co-exist with technology and the other paragraph conveying the message of how technology helps traditions thrive.
> 
> ...


Thanks a lot for the feedback.

Couple of questions.

How exactly do you think I have not achieved task response ? Also, how wud you have answered this question.Can u suggest couple of topic sentences for this question..

Is too complex a bad thing ? I am of the impression that , if you write complex sentences with advanced vocabulary , your band score will go up..


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## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

Another essay coming your way in around 40 mins


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## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

Ghostride said:


> Spot on! So, even though I would like to rate it higher, due to the cut off for TR u would be rated between 6-6.5 ! (trust me i've been down the same road).
> 
> Sent from my iphone using expatForum


Dunno if anyone will believe me , but I have attempted IELTS twice till now.

8.5 8 7.5 9

9 9 7.5 9

My next exam is on Saturday.


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## leonine4eva (Jul 23, 2013)

mjamal14 said:


> Dunno if anyone will believe me , but I have attempted IELTS twice till now.
> 
> 8.5 8 7.5 9
> 
> ...


Surprises me that you are writing again after attaining such brilliant scores. Checking how good you can get??


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## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

leonine4eva said:


> Surprises me that you are writing again after attaining such brilliant scores. Checking how good you can get??


No , I need 8 in writing


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## snarayan (Jun 28, 2013)

mjamal14 said:


> Thanks a lot for the feedback.
> 
> Couple of questions.
> 
> ...


As I had mentioned in my previous post, you've spoken about how technology aids traditions but missed to explain whether technology is affecting our traditional values or not. 

I would have included points relating to how culture and values are affected by technology in my 2nd paragraph. For example, traditional ways of life have been forgotten by introduction of modern facilities. You could find some ideas on these lines.
My 3rd paragraph might be on similar lines as yours as to how recent innovations have contributed towards the preservation of our cultural artefacts. Finally as part of my conclusion I would have discussed the extent to which I agree or disagree to the statement given in the task.

Complex sentences are absolutely fine as long as it does not jeopardise the task response. If you had addressed all parts of the task, the sophisticated style of the essay would have added a lot more flavour.

All said, I would easily rate it a 7.5 if not 8. I am certain that if you put in a little more time analysing the question and organising your ideas before starting to write, you'll easily get your desired score. 

Again, I am not an expert nor am I very good with the language. So please accept or reject the comments with a smile


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## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

snarayan said:


> As I had mentioned in my previous post, you've spoken about how technology aids traditions but missed to explain whether technology is affecting our traditional values or not.
> 
> I would have included points relating to how culture and values are affected by technology in my 2nd paragraph. For example, traditional ways of life have been forgotten by introduction of modern facilities. You could find some ideas on these lines.
> My 3rd paragraph might be on similar lines as yours as to how recent innovations have contributed towards the preservation of our cultural artefacts. Finally as part of my conclusion I would have discussed the extent to which I agree or disagree to the statement given in the task.
> ...


Anyone with 8 in writing is an expert in my eyes 
Appreciate the feedback..

Please watch this space , as I am going to post more essays , and wud love your feedback


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## sunnyboi (Jul 10, 2013)

@mjamal14-Would you mind if others can also use the same thread to assess their writing?  There has been great feedback on the essay and guess even my writing comes very close to the topic. So, I assume that I would end up getting a 6.5 max is a bit discouraging and have understood my limitations. Time to improve on my writing as well


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## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

sunnyboi said:


> @mjamal14-Would you mind if others can also use the same thread to assess their writing?  There has been great feedback on the essay and guess even my writing comes very close to the topic. So, I assume that I would end up getting a 6.5 max is a bit discouraging and have understood my limitations. Time to improve on my writing as well


Please wait until I complete my exam on Saturday..

After that the thread is yours

Your feedback is welcome though.


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## nandini.nataraj (Jul 23, 2013)

mjamal14 said:


> Anyone with 8 in writing is an expert in my eyes
> Appreciate the feedback..
> 
> Please watch this space , as I am going to post more essays , and wud love your feedback


Hey mjamal,

Got 8.5 in writing first attempt. I had felt that I would end up in less than 7. 

It is quite easy. concentrate on the bullet points. You are done with it. 2 examples, paraphase properly. Dont make unnecessary grammatical mistakes. If you are not sure of usage, better avoid it. As posted, avoid repetitions. 

Guess you can crack it this time.... Your essay is quite impressive.

Between, why is that you need 8? Even without that, you can go for 189 with SS (Incase you fall short by points). Asking out of curiosity... ;-)

All the best!


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## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

nandini.nataraj said:


> Hey mjamal,
> 
> Got 8.5 in writing first attempt. I had felt that I would end up in less than 7.
> 
> ...


I might not be able to get work exp points, due to ACS rules , so IELTS is the way to go for me.

How in the world did u get 8.5 ???????? Amazing.

Can u give me some specific feedback about my essay..

Appreciate your feedback


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## DrLatib (Jul 14, 2013)

This is an essential part of the question:

"To what extent do you agree or disagree?"

From your writeup I cant tell whether you agree or disagree with the statement so even though your use of language is very good, the examiner will feel that you have not understood the question, you will lose points for this. When a clear question like this is asked its often useful to start out stating whether you agree or disagree and then explain why in the rest of your writeup.

(I scored 8.5 for writing and 8.5 overall)


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## nandini.nataraj (Jul 23, 2013)

mjamal14 said:


> I might not be able to get work exp points, due to ACS rules , so IELTS is the way to go for me.
> 
> How in the world did u get 8.5 ???????? Amazing.
> 
> ...


Dear mjamal14,

It is such a straight forward topic and you have expressed it wonderfully with a lot of complications!!!

1. Points are covered properly. -- Good... 
2. Strong opinion is not given --- Might not be OK. I usually ended my essay like 'In my opinion,...'. It sounds simple. But, they catch your intention perfect.
3. Your essay is undoubtedly filled with brilliant vocabulary. But it also sounds like... you have filled in the gaps with exotic words which they might not be happy with.
4. Introduction looks lengthy. Can be cut down by a sentence. It looks like you are in a hurry to put all your thoughts in a para.. ;-)
5. Sentence like 'Thus, it has been made clear that technology is essential to the existence of culture which proves that both things can coexist.' complicates the understanding of reader which in turn lead to the band of examiner's mood ;-)
6. Both arguments have 'can exist'. where is your stand?
7. Conclusion is quite messy. "Thus, it is clear that both technology and traditional cultures are here to stay." What is it all about? State it in an affirmative way. State what you feel!!! It matters.


Most importantly, you have written the way we speak. Ideally, the linking sentence must be a simple one.

Too much use of complex sentence might not be preferable. 

Your essay must be mix of simple sentences, compound sentences, complex sentences with proper links.  It does wonders. All sentence need not have more complex words.

Though it looks awesome in one read, it might not be impressive for more than 8. One more simple mistakes, might end up in 7.5. Pls dont get demotivated. Little bit of corrections fetch you full!!!

Kindly go through 
IELTS Band 7 Writing
IELTS Essay Samples of Band 8 | IELTS-Blog

It helps a lot. Send more essays... I might be of some help..


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## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

DrLatib said:


> This is an essential part of the question:
> 
> "To what extent do you agree or disagree?"
> 
> ...





> It is argued that we can have these two things together, without sacrificing the quality of either


What about the above sentence.


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## DrLatib (Jul 14, 2013)

mjamal14 said:


> What about the above sentence.


This sentence does not state YOUR own opinion, it states a 3rd party or general opinion, but does not indicate whether you agree with that statement or not, dont be afraid to take a strong opinion in your writing, currently it looks like you're sitting on the fence on the issue. If you strongly feel that way then state clearly: "I neither agree or disagree with the statement....blah blah blah" or similar, that way you have fulfilled/answered the question instead of side-stepping it


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## snarayan (Jun 28, 2013)

mjamal14 said:


> What about the above sentence.


But that doesn't talk about your opinion. Who is arguing? Is it you or the society or someone else? Where's your opinion here?


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## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

DrLatib said:


> This sentence does not state YOUR own opinion, it states a 3rd party or general opinion, but does not indicate whether you agree with that statement or not


So, if it is an argument essay, it should be explicitly stated that "I agree" or "I disagree" ?


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## Stargaze (Dec 11, 2012)

mjamal14 said:


> Answer
> 
> 
> 
> Give Band scores...


Hi,
Overall, the essay looks good. However, there are some technical errors and scope for improvement.

1.	Sentence formation - and how cultures and tradition – and the way cultures and tradition
2.	Single word - it is commonly understood that– is undeniable that
3.	Word choice - avoid the repetition of word ‘relics’ – instead use the words like keepsakes, tokens or souvenirs
4.	hyphenated word - age old – age-old
5.	Avoid the use of personal pronoun in formal writing - sculptures that we see today – rephrase the sentence without personal pronoun.
6.	Comma - existence of culture which proves - existence of culture, which proves
7.	Article - extinction by digitization - extinction by the digitization
8.	Academic form - Also, a number of – In addition, a number of, Apart from this, a number of 
9.	Academic form - To summarize, - To epitomize, To put in a nutshell,
10.	Personal pronoun - we will see better ways of - rephrase the sentence

Also, avoid the over use of passive voice and use a variety of sentence structures. Another area for improvement is the last sentences of body paragraphs. It almost looks similar with the same sentence structure. Most importantly, if you can add an opposite view as a fourth paragraph then essay will be more impressive, and it will cover all parts of the task.
Regards,


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## snarayan (Jun 28, 2013)

mjamal14 said:


> So, if it is an argument essay, it should be explicitly stated that "I agree" or "I disagree" ?


Yes. You need to clearly bring out your opinion and there are a lot of ways you could do that.
In my opinion
I believe
I consider
My view is
Etc...


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## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

nandini.nataraj said:


> Dear mjamal14,
> 
> It is such a straight forward topic and you have expressed it wonderfully with a lot of complications!!!
> 
> ...


Awesome, will keep this in mind for the next essay..

Regarding the first paragraph, I am following a specific essay structure, and to give the reader an idea of what the second and third paragraphs are going to be about, I am writing around 4 sentences in my introduction.


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## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

Stargaze said:


> Hi,
> Overall, the essay looks good. However, there are some technical errors and scope for improvement.
> 
> 1.	Sentence formation - and how cultures and tradition – and the way cultures and tradition
> ...


This what I needed.Great stuff.Thank you.
I understood all of what u said.

Can u elaborate "over use of passive voice and use a variety of sentence structures" ? Does the essay seem repetitive?

Also, what band score wud u give?


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## Stargaze (Dec 11, 2012)

mjamal14 said:


> This what I needed.Great stuff.Thank you.
> I understood all of what u said.
> 
> Can u elaborate "over use of passive voice and use a variety of sentence structures" ? Does the essay seem repetitive?
> ...


Dear mjamal14,

I have noticed a number of passive voice usages in the essay. It does not mean that essay is repetitive. Instead of that use different sentence structures like compound, complex and simple. Also, conditional clauses such as if statements, where conditions and other usages like ‘not only but also’, ‘neither nor’ and it will certainly improve the writing style a lot.

I would give 6.5 or maximum 7 band to this essay.

Regards,


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## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

Stargaze said:


> Dear mjamal14,
> 
> I have noticed a number of passive voice usages in the essay. It does not mean that essay is repetitive. Instead of that use different sentence structures like compound, complex and simple. Also, conditional clauses such as if statements, where conditions and other usages like ‘not only but also’, ‘neither nor’ and it will certainly improve the writing style a lot.
> 
> ...


I have never gotten less than 7.5 in IELTS writing, and that was before I even knew that there was a specific structure to it.

But thanks for the feedback.I will try to incorporate a variety of sentences into my essay


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## nandini.nataraj (Jul 23, 2013)

Relax...

Your essay is really good... Send some more... letsss discusss... This time you to to crack 8.  Fine tuning is sufficient.


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## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

nandini.nataraj said:


> Relax...
> 
> Your essay is really good... Send some more... letsss discusss... This time you to to crack 8.  Fine tuning is sufficient.


Thanks for the encouragement.
I have my speaking test in sometime.
I will write one after that.


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## Sunlight11 (Apr 27, 2013)

mjamal14 said:


> Answer
> 
> 
> 
> Give Band scores...


Hello Jamal ... its a good write up but I'll point out few things which would help..

The last line of the Introduction is quite complex and doesn't really get into the readers understanding in One read ... examiner may have to re-read this line and its not positive for the initial impression.

Then another important thing is as the essay asks you to either agree or disagree and you decided to chose a middle ground (its OK), so the structuring should contain one para describing how Technology is supporting Traditional cultures and in another para describing how Traditional Cultures and establishments are helping modern technologies to develop, that is vice versa .. 

I wouldn't include the third Para, instead I would put how Traditional age-old establishments and structures are helping modern techies, as an example I would mention how the buildings, castles and some of the bridges around the world built in the previous centuries revealing the advanced nature of Architectural design and equipment that those ppl used to erect such time-tested establishments and how modern day scientists are analyzing these to come up with new and advanced way of architectural practices, helping newly develop buildings to be of superior standing.

This will create a nice balance on your overall argument presentation and a solid groundwork on which you can claim why both things should compliment each other and are here to stay ...

Further as others noted, it is plain better to write your EXACT opinion in a simple sentence at the end.


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## icriding (Jul 4, 2013)

mjamal14 said:


> Answer
> 
> 
> 
> Give Band scores...


*Hello mjamal14,*

In my opinion you need to develop and elaborate on ideas to a greater depth in your essay. Please address the following issues.

Why do certain people stubbornly cling to certain Traditions. For example: Christmas, Thanksgiving. Turkey at Christmas, Easter eggs at Easter.

On the other hand, why do people readily adopt certain technological advancements while discarding older practices?

For example: Smartphones over regular phones, Computers over typewriters.

You are also required to take a firm point of view. Either agree or disagree and give your opinion on whether you think the two ideas are compatible or not. 
But also *provide evidence for the other point of view* This demonstrates critical thinking. Which is the purpose of this essay, to demonstrate that you can processes contrasting sets of information. Your conclusion should be biased towards your opinion.

Uses phrases like, while it while there is evidence that XYZ is true, this essay will argue that there is more evidence to conclude that ABC is true. 

So 

Paragraph 1: Definition of both ideas with examples and your viewpoint
Paragraph 2: Support and criticism for idea 1 with examples
Paragraph 3: Support and criticism for idea 2 with examples
Paragraph 4: Why you support either idea 1 or idea 2 with examples
Paragraph 4: Concussion

*Hope this helps...

All the best with your application. 

Icriding
*


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## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

Didn't get all 8 again..


Listening	Reading	Writing	Speaking	
8.5 9.0 7.0 8.0 

Im gonna try one last time..


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## Chetu (Jan 14, 2013)

mjamal14 said:


> Didn't get all 8 again..
> 
> 
> Listening	Reading	Writing	Speaking
> ...


for those who seem to have a tough time with essays , this might help : Write an Essay


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## sathiyaseelan (Dec 8, 2012)

mjamal14 said:


> Didn't get all 8 again..
> 
> 
> Listening	Reading	Writing	Speaking
> ...


Hi Mjamal,

Firstly, congratulations for your excellent although you failed to achieve your dreams. Your marks are undoubtedly on the upper side. However, don't loose your hope. I would like to recommend you a book dedicatedly for scoring 8+ bands in writing. It is "IELTS writing made easy_400 essays, 50 graphs and 30 letters". 

The above book is the best resource i followed and got my dream score. If you have an account on skype, i would like to add you to my network so that i can share some easy tips and tricks to use in IELTS writing that will yield fruitful results.

My few simple yest effective tips are:

1. Try to find the keywords in an essay or a letter first of all.
2. Write down their synonyms as much as you know. Having known may of the equivalent words and pouring them sparingly across your writing, will boost your scores. in short, the more synonyms you use, the better your score will be.
3. Use logical linking devices that are different. For instance, use also, moreover, in addition, furthermore, what is more, additionally, too, etc. in different paragraphs. Never repeat a connecting word again for scoring 8 and above.
4. Showcase your knowledge on "idioms and phrase" in both letter and essay. Be ware that some idioms are to be used in formal situations (traffic, pollution etc) and the others are in informal situation (writing a letter to a friend)
5. Write down the proverbs, quotes, evidences, survey results, data, etc. to support your stance.
6. Apply variety of sentence structures into your writing. Fo example, you may use following sentences.

The earlier we find the solutions, the better the impact of the outcomes will be.
What is needed here is the support from the government. (instead of writing support is needed from government)
Childhood, the formative period for every kid, is very significant in mental and physical growth of children.
A society is the one in which there is no partiality among people based on gender, age, financial status and so on.

The startegies furnished above are but a few.

Warm regards,
Sathiyaseelan


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## mjamal14 (Sep 28, 2012)

Thanks sathiya, I have sent u a pm


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## Chetu (Jan 14, 2013)

Hi Nandini , Icriding,sathiyaseelan, Sunlight and others 

Here is an essay I wrote recently , it took me 30 minutes on the clock and I thought it would help others who are preparing for the IELTS if reviewed . Please point out my mistakes : 

* Should education and healthcare be free of charge and funded by the government, or should it be the responsibility of the people to pay for these services?Discuss the above and give your opinion using examples.



Quite assuredly , basic education and good quality healthcare are the most important of needs for any citizen of any country . It is therefore the responsibility of every government to provide these to its populace without any charge.


Firstly, foundation level schooling is definitely the best way to make people aware of the importance of education . If not free higher education countries should consider imparting basic learning free of any cost to its population . In the U.K this has been made free till grade ten and this has had a major positive drift in number of school-goers deciding to study further. This increase in qualified , learned and employable human resource obviously will have better rewards to the countries in terms of more revenue and hence better GDP.


Healthcare , on the other hand would be difficult to be made entirely free , this is due to the fact that modern medical treatments are exorbitantly charged and that most of these are doled out by private hospitals . But the federal authorities can atleast cater to the primary medical necessities of the poor and needy . This can be achieved by drafting policies such that the penny-pinched need not pay for first-level medical aids and advacned facilities can be availed at subsidised rates. Whereas , the well-off section of the society needs to pay for all such amenities ,which is how the National Health Service operates in the U.K.


In conclusion , it would be beyond impossible for any regime to make high quality education and healthcare free for all its citizens . But I am sure its well within reach to provide basic forms of these to the poorer classes .*


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## Chetu (Jan 14, 2013)

In Contrast there is a wonderful essay on the same topic on IELTS SAMPLE BAND 9 ESSAY | IELTS podcast 

The essay from the site is as follows : 


Should education and healthcare be free of charge and funded by the government, or should it be the responsibility of the people to pay for these services?

Discuss the above and give your opinion using examples.

A healthy and educated society is the backbone of any successful society, however, deciding who is to provide this is a sensitive topic. I strongly believe the government should be held responsible to provide these services for two reasons. Firstly the entire society benefits and secondly the whole population is currently paying for the services. However, if one prefers extra services they should be prepared to pay for it themselves.

Firstly, education is largely considered a basic right, a population unable to calculate, read, write or even learn would be doomed in such a competitive global economy. Globalisation has increased competition and shifted the emphasis to knowledge, information and science. A state education should therefore be freely available to everybody. However people wish to purchase private education, this should also be allowed or even encouraged. Private education reduces the strain on public services and provides a source of tax revenue for the government, in effect subsidising state education.

Secondly, health services must undoubtedly be available to all because the entire nation are paying taxes and therefore should not be excluded from any service. Take the NHS in the UK for example, this organisation caters for the entire population and no private medical insurance is needed. Unfortunately waiting lists can be long and service is occasionally slow, therefore some purchase private medical insurance for a faster service. This reduces the workload of the public sector.

To conclude, I believe both healthcare and education are basic fundamental rights, necessary for any advanced society and therefore the responsibility should lay with the government. Nevertheless if individuals require more than the standard level they should be prepared to pay for it.


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## Redtape (Jun 25, 2013)

Chetu said:


> In Contrast there is a wonderful essay on the same topic on IELTS SAMPLE BAND 9 ESSAY | IELTS podcast
> 
> The essay from the site is as follows :
> 
> ...


Hi mjamal14,

I'm not good in English. But what I would definitely mention in my essay is how online marriage is catching it's popularity these days. In my opinion then you've a good stance to support how we are loosing the traditional cultures to the current technological advancements in the given task.

Cheers!!


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## BlackBelt (Jan 18, 2011)

Chetu,

I would point out that you have trouble placing commas. You cannot add a space between a word and a comma or period. For example, you wrote: "... private hospitals . But the federal.." The correct would be "...private hospitals. But the federal..." This is very basic.


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## Chetu (Jan 14, 2013)

Thank you blackbelt for pointing that out , but I guess that is something which I always make when I type on my phone due to the habit of hitting spacebar very often .


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## trinkasharma (Mar 20, 2013)

Also there should not be any space after the word and before comma.

I, me and myself is OK.

You , yours and yourself is not OK.

I must say that to type this much on a phone with very little spelling mistakes should give you 8 in phoney-ielts.


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## Chetu (Jan 14, 2013)

trinkasharma said:


> Also there should not be any space after the word and before comma.
> 
> I, me and myself is OK.
> 
> ...


 phoney-ielts, pun intended right?  Many people complain that IELTS is phony indeed.

Guys, please also let me know if the essay falls short of the writing task descriptors and if so where. 


Thanks,
Chethan


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## sathiyaseelan (Dec 8, 2012)

Chetu said:


> Hi Nandini , Icriding,sathiyaseelan, Sunlight and others
> 
> Here is an essay I wrote recently , it took me 30 minutes on the clock and I thought it would help others who are preparing for the IELTS if reviewed . Please point out my mistakes :
> 
> ...



Hi chethan,

The way you introduced the topic is not up to the expectations. Introduction paragraph is the one which creates first impression of a candidates' writing ability in the examiner's mind. Hence, try to use some variety of sentences in introduction paragraph coupled with synonyms, idioms, phrases, quotes, etc. whichever and wherever applicable. Never write simple sentences in essay, particularly, in introduction paragraph. My sample introduction paragraph for the same topic is given below.


Medical care and education are, undoubtedly, the two most essential amenities for everyone living across the globe in order to succeed in their professional and personal lives. Especially, in this competitive world, when globaliztion is on the rise in recent times, it has been gaining momentum and as a result, by an large, all governments have been spending tens of millions of dollars to ensure all of their citizens acquire them at free of cost. But, according to some people, government has lots of other responsibilities that they must deal with and therefore, each person should spend their own money for accessing education and healthcare facilities. As this is a bone of contention, without discussing both sides of the coin, it is intricate to establish a decision on who has to look after. 

I have written the above introduction at a rapid pace. So, if there is any error or mistake, kindly ignore/indicate me.

Regards,
Sathiya


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## sathiyaseelan (Dec 8, 2012)

Dear all IELTS applicants,

I just would like to share some of my own writings that may direct you on the track of "how to write letter/essay at band 7+ levels". Here is the one for you all.

Happy [email protected]

Write a letter to your immigration officer to request to change your occupation.
Explain	why you ask him to change your occupation
When you applied for skills assessment 
And thank him for his consideration.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing this letter to request you to modify the proposed profession I filled in when I lodged my application form.

As you know, I have applied to you on 2nd March, 2012 for evaluation of my credentials to check out my eligibility for immigration to Australia. Following that I have also received an email from you acknowledging the receipt of my documents along with payment slip three days ago. 

I have mentioned ‘Telecom engineer with code 20123” against nominated job position when I have filled in the form. Although I went through the job description thoroughly before entering in the form, I mistakenly nominated my job profile as “Telecom engineer” instead of “Telecom network engineer with code 20122”. Moreover, I currently pursue more hands on experience as “Telecom network engineer” rather than “Telecom engineer”. 

I know that it would be possible as I showed real enthusiasm and interest so far towards immigration to Austraia. Hence, I would to request you to transfer my position from “Telecom engineer” to “Telecom network engineer” for the assessment of my professional experience against this job position. I would be truly grateful to you if you could consider this matter with care.

Looking forward to hear from you soon,

Yours faithfully,
Sathiyaseelan

All the best for everyone who will sit for IELTS in future.

Regards,
Sathiya


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## snarayan (Jun 28, 2013)

sathiyaseelan said:


> Hi chethan,
> 
> The way you introduced the topic is not up to the expectations. Introduction paragraph is the one which creates first impression of a candidates' writing ability in the examiner's mind. Hence, try to use some variety of sentences in introduction paragraph coupled with synonyms, idioms, phrases, quotes, etc. whichever and wherever applicable. Never write simple sentences in essay, particularly, in introduction paragraph. My sample introduction paragraph for the same topic is given below.
> 
> ...


I would prefer the introduction to be short and sweet, not more than a couple of sentences as how Chetu has written.


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## sathiyaseelan (Dec 8, 2012)

snarayan said:


> I would prefer the introduction to be short and sweet, not more than a couple of sentences as how Chetu has written.


Hi friend,

Everyone has different style of writing and there is no ideal way of writing. I never discourage or comment on anyone's writing. However, whenever, you are going to write an essay, you will be on safe side if you do follow things, particularly when dealing with introduction paragraph.

1. Firstly, read the question twice or thrice and and understand what is asked for and decide which type of essay you have to write.

2. Write down the key words and their equivalent synonyms, any idioms or proverbs or quotes in connection to the paragraph. For instance, if the essay is about, health, you can include a proverb that is "health is the real wealth". Moreover, changing the form of key word is a so a good idea. For example, if the keyword is a verb, try to write the noun form of it in introduction paragraph. With this things, examiner may mistakenly believe that you are really exceptional in writing and at least 7 bands are to be awarded to you. (ha ha ha). 

3. Examiner wants to check whether you understand the question correctly and know what is exactly asked you to write for. employing less frequently used words, at least 3 or 4 of them in introduction paragraph is highly recommended.

4. Then, start writing the initial sentence based on the essay. Some essay may need you to describe the keyword that is complicated. Some may ask you to offer a global perspective of the discussion. Few others may demand you to compare two trends, or two things like that.

4. Following this, you may go to the exact question in depth but using different words, of course.

5. Now, you may explaining the type of question and its sides, or argument, etc. 

6. Now, write the concluding sentence about which things you are going to explain in later paragraphs. If you have less ideas, you may even offer the overview alone that is sufficient.

7. But, again, write as many complex and compound sentences as possible to show that you have good control on language. You may, use simple sentences in later paragraphs but, definitely not in the introduction one. 

I do believe that these strategies will help you greatly in order be in boat of 7 bands.

This is how i addressed my writing section and scored 7.5 bands and i really appreciate others' ways of writing as well.

Regards,
Sathiya


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## snarayan (Jun 28, 2013)

sathiyaseelan said:


> Hi friend,
> 
> Everyone has different style of writing and there is no ideal way of writing. I never discourage or comment on anyone's writing. However, whenever, you are going to write an essay, you will be on safe side if you do follow things, particularly when dealing with introduction paragraph.
> 
> ...


I wrote a short and concise introduction and scored an 8


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## sathiyaseelan (Dec 8, 2012)

snarayan said:


> I wrote a short and concise introduction and scored an 8


That sounds simply good and I am happy for you. Why can't post your strategist that helped you achieve 8 bands in writing so that future applicants who will sit for ielts will be benefited greatly?

Appreciate your feedback,

Sathiya


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## snarayan (Jun 28, 2013)

sathiyaseelan said:


> That sounds simply good and I am happy for you. Why can't post your strategist that helped you achieve 8 bands in writing so that future applicants who will sit for ielts will be benefited greatly?
> 
> Appreciate your feedback,
> 
> Sathiya


I certainly will. 

I prepared for writing from ielts-simon.com

I also used one of Simon's teachers to evaluate the esssays I wrote and got my mistakes corrected. 

One tip that the teacher suggested was: not writing more than 250-260 words is as important as not writing less than 250 words. The reasons are:

1) You are prone to making more mistakes with more words.
2) Writing more words is time consuming and you would be left will lesser time to review what you've written and do a word count. 

This is the main reason why you need to keep you introduction concise and to the point at the same time address the main idea of the task


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## Chetu (Jan 14, 2013)

[/COLOR]


npraneethreddy said:


> Hello All,
> Please rate my essay.
> 
> Some people argue that cars should be banned in city centers while others are against this idea. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion
> ...


That's my feedback , and no I am not a grammarian.


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## sathiyaseelan (Dec 8, 2012)

Hi IELTS candidates,

I would like to share some of my essays i wrote while preparing for IELTS examination.
I think that they may be useful for you to have knowledge on how to build up your essay at band level 7+.

Here is the one for you,

Nowadays, environmental problems are too big to be managed by individual persons or individual countries. In other words, it is an international problem. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Countries across the globe have alone tackled manifold problems all throughout the history. However, in recent times, they experience more intricacies to independently address environmental problems such as acid rain, ozone layer depletion, global warming to name but just a few. Here, it is absolutely agreed that these are global issues that should be jointly handled by all nations. This will be proven by meticulously analyzing how ecological hazards occurring in one country destruct the whole world and the insufficient funds held by a country to cope with these concerns fails to achieve pollution-free environment.

First of all, environmental pollution contributed by one country not only affects its atmosphere but also contaminates the prevalent things such as air, water and land of others as well thereby destroying the universe. For instance, enormous discharge of green house gases like carbon-di-oxide, carbon-monoxide and nitrous oxide from the industries located in United States of America caused acid rain fall in Canada in November, 2011. Thus, it is clear that environmental problem in one country produces consequences in other country. Therefore, these issues will no longer be harmful to adjacent countries also in addition to home countries.

Secondly, by and large, many developing countries are running out of money to deal with environmental problems. In fact, their contribution in polluting the environment is negligible when weighed against that of well developed countries. A good case in point is that India has budgeted only 10000 US dollars to diminish the adverse effects of environmental pollution. From this, it is apparent that countries especially, developing ones are not capable of funding the remedies. Hence, well developed countries who are the biggest contributors of environmental issues should also join hands with the countries that suffer from lack of funds.

Following the perusal of detrimental effects of environmental problems that puts all countries in risk and short of allocation of enough funds to troubleshoot the so called ecological concerns, it is proved that they are no longer local or regional issues but global threats to all nations across the universe. It is projected that well developed countries, in association with developing countries will initiate more activities to enhance the environmental conditions.

All the very best to you!

Comments and feedback are requested.

Sathiya


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## Stargaze (Dec 11, 2012)

sathiyaseelan said:


> Hi IELTS candidates,
> 
> I would like to share some of my essays i wrote while preparing for IELTS examination.
> I think that they may be useful for you to have knowledge on how to build up your essay at band level 7+.
> ...



Dear Sathya,

1.	Split infinitive - to independently address environmental problems - to address environmental problems independently
2.	Usage - one country - a country
3.	Use of synonyms(repeated use of words) - environmental pollution - environmental contamination
4.	Compound word - green house – greenhouse
5.	Unnecessary use of hyphen - carbon-di-oxide – carbon dioxide
6.	Unnecessary use of hyphen - carbon-monoxide – carbon monoxide
7.	Usage - harmful to adjacent countries - harmful to neighboring countries
8.	Hyphen - well developed countries – well-developed countries
9.	Usage - biggest contributors - main contributors
10.	Hyphen - so called – so-called
11.	Usage - in risk - at risk
12.	Usage -they are no longer local - these are no longer local
13.	Following - To Recapitulate,

Regards,


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## Sevenss (Sep 15, 2013)

> TOPIC: Children are the impressions of their parent’s behaviour. If a child behaves badly his parents should be considered responsible and should be punished. How far you agree with this?


ESSAY


> In the twenty first century, there are more and more violences and unlawful acts performing by children. Tackling this problems raises great concern for governments and authorities. I firmly believe that family’s responsibility play an integral role and parents should be paying fine if they cannot fulfil the tasks of bringing up their children.
> 
> To begin with, there is no doubt that parents influence significantly on children’s behaviors so that they must be liable for their child’s law-breaking. According to some recent papers, for instance, nearly 70 percent of violation circumstances caused by children who are homeless or grow in dysfuntional families. One of the main reason is that the youngsters are usually not capable of forming judgments or distinguishing right or wrong. Lack of social experience makes them easily predisposed to antisocial behaviours like underage drinking. Parents who live with children can better give them good advices and moral lessons, which would help reduce bad deportments of a child. To that exent, I donot think there is some one who can replace parents.
> 
> ...


pls help check. 
Many thanks


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## dsm (Aug 30, 2013)

Can anyone validate my writing and suggest in which area i need improvement.I am going for IELTS exam next week.This will be of great help.

Task1-
You are a university student who are living in an accommodation at the campus. One day you find something wrong with your accommodation. So write a letter to house officer to tell him what happened, the reason you think and what you decide to do and whether you are right.

Dear Sir,
I am writing this to inform you about the water leakage problem with my accommodation.
My name is Subhash Kumar. I am a student in your university (Roll Number: 34565). I am residing in accommodation provided at campus since January, 2013. As you know, weather has changed recently and there is frequent rainfall now a days. Last time when it rained, my accommodation was completely converted into a mess. My bedding got wet as the water came from the broken glass pane and the ceiling was also leaking. I could not find any place to sleep that night so I had to go to my friend’s home. Moreover, due to wet bedding and furniture, the room has started stinking badly. It is very difficult to continue to stay in this accommodation.
I request you to provide reimbursement of the fees which I have paid for this accommodation. I am planning to get new accommodation outside the university campus so that it will be easier for me to commute to the company where I have recently joined in for training for 6 months. I will be obliged if I can get the fees as soon as possible as it will help me to pay advance security charges for the new accommodation.
Yours faithfully,
Subhash.


Task2-
Some people believe that only pupils of similar interest should be given admissions in school. Others are of the opinion that school should be open to all children with varied interests. How far you agree or disagree with above views. Give your opinion in not less than 250 words.


“Schools are temples and teachers are God”. This is taught to most of the students from their first day in school. In ancient times in India, education was only for higher class of people but as time passed, the rules have changed and now it’s right of every human being without any discrimination on the basis of caste, creed or sex. I believe, like doors of the temple which is open for all, school should be open for all children with varied interests.
I feel with varied interests, students can teach each other. They can learn how to accept other’s talents and respect each other for the same. The social circle of students increases with variety of knowledge which these students can share among themselves. We should encourage students to build interest in different areas. 
If a student is surrounded by different ideas, it will be easy for him to learn and excel in most of the fields. Moreover, students with same ideology restrict themselves and they will follow each other just to show how superior one is. This results in jealousy and unworthy friend circle. On the other hand, pupils with varied interest makes strong bonding as they help each other in different prospects. It is the need of every developing country that the youth must be all-rounder so that the country can excel in every field (from sports to research and inventions).
In conclusion, I would like to say that education and knowledge in every area is more worthy if it is shared. A circle of students with diversity in thoughts are more knowledgeable than the ones who bound themselves with similar ideas.


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## Shiv11 (Jan 5, 2013)

Hi All,
*This is my 1st Essay. Experts please provide your feedback for improvement. *


IELTS Writing Example 1

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Write about the following topic:

A growing number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people and that they should have the same rights as humans, while others argue that humans must employ animals to satisfy their various needs, including uses for food and research. 

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

You should write at least 250 words.


Few people argue that animals should not be exploited and they should have same rights as we humans are having for their survival. whereas others support that animals should be used for humans’ needs and survivals. Here, I am going to discuss both the points with relevant examples.

Firstly, Humans are the most important creature in the word. For humans’ existence and better survival, people argue that animals should be used in research for finding cure of dangerous diseases. For instance, horse’s blood is required to develop the medicines to cure snakes’ bite and those medicines are used to save the life of humans and in this case, animals suffering can be compromised.

Secondly, Animals are same like humans and they get pain when they are kept in case, used overly and killed for humans’ pleasures, luxury and show case. For example, animals are killed and their skins are used in production of many cosmetic and luxury products which are completely worthless. In addition, it has been proven that humans can get all required nutrition, what they get from animals’ meat, from vegetables and plants so there is no point of killing animals just for taste. Moreover, if right steps are not taken to save animals then killing of the animals can bring their existence in danger and time will come when they will vanish from the earth forever.

In summary, Animals should be used for research to some extent however, in my opinion; there should be rights for animals as humans to save their existence.


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## AncientGlory (Aug 23, 2012)

mjamal14 said:


> Answer
> 
> 
> 
> Give Band scores...


Hi mate,

I don't know how your last attempt went. Hope you nailed it. If you are still looking for tips here are my two cents. I got 8 for writing in my first attempt.

By looking at your essay, I'd say you are definitely near the 8 mark for writing. This is not an assessment of your essay posted but an assessment of your writing in general. However, if you are getting a lower score, this might be due to the lack of "exam smartness".

(1) Have you been working on your letter? Don't ignore it. Question one is a very good place for you to score points. Note that even if you score 8 for the second question, you can't score high without the help of the first question.

(2) Have you studied the marking criteria for level 8? Writing has four parts (Task Achievement, Coherence and cohesion, Lexical resource, Grammatical range and accuracy). Each part is assessed individually.

(3) I noticed that you make occasional grammar mistakes. This could be avoided by finishing your essay early and going through it again. Do this for both questions.

(4) Do you count the words of your essay and letter? Make sure you have reached the minimum word limit.

(5) Analyze your own essay and explore points that you could have discussed that would have given your essay more points in Task achievement and coherence and cohesion. Try to become more smart about the points that you choose to discuss in the essay.

Good luck.


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## sumisaran (Sep 16, 2013)

*Rate my essay*

Hi,

Can anyone review my essay?

*Question: Dieting can change a person’s life for the better or ruin one’s health
completely. What is your opinion?
*
Dieting is the practice of eating food in a regulated fashion to decrease, increase or maintain body weight. In my opinion, dieting helps people to have a healthy lifestyle if followed properly.

In general, most of the people think that dieting is nothing but skipping food and by doing that one can reduce body weight. Anyone who undergoes this type of dieting will undergo serious health issues like ulcer, reduced resistance power and lack of stamina. Also by doing this, the body cannot get important nutrients which are essential for day-to-day metabolic activities.

However, a proper dieting will guide people to take the right amount of right food at the right time. This allows the body to get enough nutrients like vitamins and proteins. On following a balanced diet, one can reduce his/her body weight and stay fit. Eventually there will be less chances of affected by cholesterol, diabetes, blood pressure and obesity.

In this modern society, there are more restaurants that offer a wide range of food varieties which are mostly Pizza, Noodles and Burgers. This can be avoided by following proper dieting process. Dieting encourages people to avoid junk food and take more of natural food like fruits and vegetables which are really good for health.

In my point of view, dieting has more advantages in spite of few disadvantages. A well balanced diet along with daily physical exercise as advised by a dietician will surely help people to have a hale and healthy life. Hence I conclude saying that dieting can make a person’s life more beautiful.

Thanks,
Saranya


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## Mack1982 (Jul 27, 2013)

sumisaran said:


> Hi,
> 
> Can anyone review my essay?
> 
> ...




aaa


----------



## sumisaran (Sep 16, 2013)

Mack,

Thanks a ton mann..


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## sevnik0202 (Apr 26, 2013)

Mack1982 said:


> aaa


Hi Mack

Kindly provide your valuable inputs on my essay. Others are welcome to comment too.

Even though globalization affects the world’s
economies in a positive way, its negative side
should not be forgotten. Discuss.

Over a period of time, globalization has had a
huge impact, on the way, people live. On one
hand experts believe that globalization has helped
boost economies. Whereas some of them are of
the opposite view. In this essay we will shed light
on the merits and demerits of globalization.

Firstly, it would not be wrong to say that, due to
the affects of globalization, products made in one
part of the world, are available in almost every
country. Secondly, due to globalization countries
have become competitive. The commodities and
services have become cheaper due to foreign
players entering the domestic markets. For
instance, Maruti Suzuki, Ambassador and Bharat
Motors were few companies manufacturing cars
in India and not everyone owned a car. However,
with the entrance of new players, things have
changed prices have decreased and there are
more bundled offers, making four wheelers
affordable.

Nevertheless, every coin has two sides,
Globalization has brought in many benefits, but
the drawbacks are present too. of all, with new
organizations, offerings in the host country are
impacting the local vendors and producers. This
is because some of these companies are
enormous; they have higher availability of
resources. In that case domestic players are being
thrown out of the competition. Furthermore, the
local craftsmen are suffering the brunt, since
similar crafts are being bulk produced and sold at
very low prices. For Example, Wal-Mart retail
gives items at a give away sum, since they have
purchased huge quantities. On the other hand,
Local traders don’t have that much financial
capability, so they lose their competitiveness.

In conclusion, it would not be wrong to say that
the drawbacks of globalization outweigh the
merits. However it is inevitable so the
governments should take steps, so that the
interests of the natives are taken care of.


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## sanskar (May 2, 2013)

Requesting feedback on essay i've written... Thanks in advance.


Topic:



> Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for child’s development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your opinion.


Essay:



> In the present world, people are growing more and more concerned regarding development of their children. Parents wish to leave no stone unturned in order to ensure development of their children. The merits and demerits of educating children at home as opposed to schools are often debated. Both concepts shall be analyzed before stating my opinion.
> 
> Firstly, it is easy to see the merits of individual attention that a child receives when taught at home. For example, at home greater emphasis could be given to areas which children find difficult to follow. Therefore child’s development is ensured when tutored at home. Thus it is easy to see why the method of teaching children at home has gained support.
> 
> ...


(Words: 238)


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## lakhwindr (Nov 7, 2013)

Could you please rate my letter and essay:-
Topic:
You recently spent a holiday with your friend and you both clicked some photoghraphs biut there is some problem with your photographs.
Write a letter to explain:
what is the problem
ask for a special photograph
explain the reason why you need that photograph
Letter:


Dear Rajesh,

Long time, no see, no hear, so connect, where on earth have you disappeared.
I tried on your mobile, fixed phone your office, sent emails, but did not get a response. So finally, thought of writing a snail mail. I hope this letter finds you in good health.

Unfortunately, I have a bad news to share with you. Yesterday, while coming back home from a party, I broke my camera as it fell on the road. The sad part is, that I did not even had downloaded the images that we clicked at new year party in Goa last month.

However, we are saved by your smart idea of clicking pictures from your mobile too. At least now, we have a backup. You would need to share those photographs with me, especially the one with Polish girl Manila. We exchanged our numbers there and now she is insisting me to share that picture with her. So please do the needful buddy.

Lets catch up this weekend. I hope you are coming to Priya's new house warming party.

Best Regards,
Lucky.


Topic:
In recent times, some people believe that parents should cut the time of children playing computer games and watching tv, rather they should spend this time to read books more. Do you agree or disagree?

Essay:


21st century is the century of digital world. Due to advancement in technology, schools are using computing systems as a help to teach children, and now computers are easily accessible to kids. So, children have started playing games in their free time on computers. Many have seen that kids also watch television to pass their time. Many have an objection to this and believe that parents should encourage their children to spend more time in reading books and other activities. I strongly agree to this point of view and reasoning for this is discussed below.

The chief reason for my opinion is due to the fact that it has a very bad effect on the health on kids. To illustrate an example, kids are often seen wearing spectacles and reason behind that is watching television for longer period which leads to weakening the eye-sight. Furthermore, kids are so fascinated with digital world that they do not play outdoor games anymore. 
Rather, they prefer to play video games on computers, which impacts their physical growth.

The second reason for my support to the argument is because that reading books will help them increase their concentration. I am not advocating about course books. But, there are many other books available such as comics, novels and so on. This would help them in concentrating more on studies, and gaining knowledge.

On the other hand, there are people with the opposite opinion. Few believe that we should not discourage children on using computers. This will help them getting more familiar with computers. However, this can easily argued that children already are getting enough exposure of computers while studying in schools.

To sum up, the computers are the future of the world. We should monitor the usage of computers, but should not put any restrictions to children. However, we should encourage children to make limited use of computers and participate more in other activities such as reading books and playing outdoor games. this will help them grow both, physically and mentally.


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## trinkasharma (Mar 20, 2013)

lakhwindr said:


> Could you please rate my letter and essay:-
> Long time, no see, no hear, so connect, where on earth have you disappeared.
> .


Hopefully the truth does not offend you!

"Long time, no see" is *Chinglish*. You cannot get good marks using this.


----------



## lakhwindr (Nov 7, 2013)

trinkasharma said:


> Hopefully the truth does not offend you!
> 
> "Long time, no see" is *Chinglish*. You cannot get good marks using this.


Thank you for your inputs. I really appreciate your feedback.

May I still request you to atleast rate on IELTS band score, let it be 5 or 6. I would like to know, how many could I score on this.

Thanks in advance


----------



## trinkasharma (Mar 20, 2013)

I can find the faults. I am unable to give a ballpark figure for the grade.


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## tipzstamatic (Aug 13, 2013)

trinkasharma said:


> I can find the faults. I am unable to give a ballpark figure for the grade.


Below are the links to how an essay or letter should be based on band level:
http://www.ielts.org/pdf/WritingBanddescriptorsTask1.pdf

http://www.ielts.org/pdf/WritingBanddescriptorsTask2.pdf


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## trinkasharma (Mar 20, 2013)

Please note that my eyesight is not too good at the moment so I could do only the letter part. It is not very structured but I have included certain links that may help you more.

Dear Rajesh,

*Long time, no see, no hear, so connect, where on earth have you disappeared.*

The above sentence is Chinglish + Indianisms. No need to take a risk.


*I tried on your mobile, fixed phone your office, sent emails, but did not get a response. So finally, 

thought of writing a snail mail. .*


fixed phone=landline?

fixed phone your office= Office landline?

*I hope this letter finds you in good health*

I guess that should come at the very start

*Unfortunately, I have a bad news to share with you.
*

I have some bad news/I have [bad news] [some bad news] [a piece of bad news] to tell you. Not [a bad news]

I have a bad news to tell you.?


Yesterday, 

*while coming back home from a party,*

While returning from a party sounds better

*I broke my camera as it fell on the road. *

I would write this as

I foolishly dropped the camera on ground. 

*The sad part is, that I did not even had downloaded the images that we clicked at new year party in Goa last month.*

And the worse part is that I was yet to transfer pictures from the camera that we took at the New year party in Goa.

I would leave last month because New Year should give enough hints.


However, we are saved by your smart idea of clicking pictures from your mobile too. At least now, we have a backup. 

*You would need to share those photographs with me, especially the one with Polish girl Manila.*

I need you to share those photos with me, esp the one with the Polish girl, Manila.


* We exchanged our numbers there and now she is insisting me to share that picture with her.*

[Grammar] he is insisting or he is insisting me..


* So please do the needful buddy.*

I am perfectly fine with the above sentence but people think it is not a good one. Some say that do what 

is necessary is better but needful=necessary 

needful
ˈniːdfʊl,-f(ə)l/Submit
adjective
1.
formal
necessary; requisite.
"a further word was needful"



word choice - What is wrong in "Please don't pluck the flowers" and other phrases used in the Indian subcontinent? - English Language & Usage Stack Exchange

other-phrases-used-in-the

It's all about emails: Please do the needful. What does that mean?

Still don't take the risk.


Lets catch up this weekend. I hope you are coming to Priya's new house warming party.

house-warming or housewarming


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## tipzstamatic (Aug 13, 2013)

trinkasharma said:


> I can find the faults. I am unable to give a ballpark figure for the grade.


from reading and cross referencing to how the tasks are rated based on band level, id give task 1 5-5.5 and task 2 6-6.5

task 1
-you spent 1 paragraph creating a problem with regards to writing a snail mail letter which was not required
-issues with tenses
-its not very coherent - the priya house party was a bit strange to bring up
-vocabulary not very extensive (i.e. clicking pictures - taking pictures?)

task 2. well, im not going to enumerate them but i noticed tenses could use improvement and use of prepositions. coherence could also be better. oxford commas use could also be improved. topic sentence for #3 could be put at start of paragraph and expounded more as it didnt. conclusion states no restriction but next sentence say make limited use. 

others with the time could help pitch this in, but i suggest getting your friend who you believe is a good english user to evaluate. i sent my friend photo scans of the essays i wrote when i was practicing for the task 2 and got feedback. also, make sure to time yourself to finish under 40 minutes. maybe you can take more time to outline and write your ideas (5-10 minutes) before writing as it seemed the structure of your task 2 could be improved.


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## trinkasharma (Mar 20, 2013)

My corrections may not be correct themselves. Please verify from other sources as well.

21st century is the century of digital world. *Due to advancement in technology, *

Due to advancements in technology

schools are using computing systems as a help to teach children, and now computers are easily accessible to *kids*. So, children have started playing games in their free time on computers. Many have seen that *kids *also watch television to pass their time. Many have an objection to this and believe that parents should encourage their children to spend more time in reading books and other activities. I strongly agree to this point of view and reasoning for this is discussed below.


The chief reason for my opinion is due to the fact that it *has a very bad effect on the health on kids.*

it has a very bad effect on children's health. I would avoid the word kids.

To illustrate an example, *kids *are often seen wearing spectacles and reason behind that is 

*watching television for longer period which leads to weakening the eye-sight. *

Watching TV for prolonged periods which weakens the eye-sight.

Furthermore, *kids *are so fascinated with digital world that they do not play outdoor games anymore.
Rather, they prefer to play video games on computers, which impacts their physical growth.

The second reason for my support to the argument is because that reading books will help them increase their concentration. 

* am not advocating about course books. But, *

I guess that the full-stop needs to be changed to a comma.

there are many other books available such as comics, novels and *so on*. 

So on

and so on - WordReference Forums

This would help them in concentrating more on studies, and gaining knowledge.

On the other hand, there are people with the opposite opinion. Few believe that we should not discourage children on using computers. This will help them getting more familiar with computers. 

However, this can *easily argued* that children already are getting enough exposure of computers while studying in schools.

easily be

adverbs - "Can easily be" vs. "can be easily" â€” what's the difference? - English Language & Usage Stack Exchange

To sum up, the computers are the future of the world. We should monitor the usage of computers, but should not put any *restrictions to children*.


restrictions on children

However, we should encourage children to make limited use of computers and participate more in other activities such as reading books and playing outdoor games. 

*this will help them grow both, physically and mentally. *

Comma needed?


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## lakhwindr (Nov 7, 2013)

thanks alot for suggestions..


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## lakhwindr (Nov 7, 2013)

I would like to share that I appeared for IELTS on 18/1/2014 and I scored L:8.5/ R: 7.5/ W: 6.5/ S: 7.0 and 7.5 overall.

The writing I shared is what I wrote in the test. and feedback was requested because of 2 reasons:-
1. I want to apply for reval. Just wanted to have second opinion, if I really should or not? 
2. I am planning to appear for the exam in the month of april again. So, above feedback would be a great help.

Thanks alot once again for dedicating your time to provide the suggestions....


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## tipzstamatic (Aug 13, 2013)

lakhwindr said:


> I would like to share that I appeared for IELTS on 18/1/2014 and I scored L:8.5/ R: 7.5/ W: 6.5/ S: 7.0 and 7.5 overall. The writing I shared is what I wrote in the test. and feedback was requested because of 2 reasons:- 1. I want to apply for reval. Just wanted to have second opinion, if I really should or not?  2. I am planning to appear for the exam in the month of april again. So, above feedback would be a great help. Thanks alot once again for dedicating your time to provide the suggestions....


Good luck on your examination  I'm surprised you remembered your answers...


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## lakhwindr (Nov 7, 2013)

I wrote this when I came back home from the exam, and sent it to my friend for feedback, which is coming out to be baised in my favor. that's why, wanted to have neutral opinion on my writing..


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## longbacks (Nov 14, 2013)

Hello IELTS Writing Gurus,

Would you mind rating my essay so I would have at least an estimate on what band am I in?

Thanks!

Soon people who cannot work with computers will be disadvantaged. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this idea?

Since the advent of modern technology, computers have invaded the households not only of the technologically inclined professionals but also the old-fashioned conventional families. Majority of the population uses it in almost everything that we do in our daily lives may it be a simple errand or a complex office task. Nowadays, it is felt by many that people who are not computer literate will suffer due to the high dependencies on these devices. This argument will be proven as how society needs to have computer know how on day to day routine as well as the critical office work.
First, people use computers or handheld devices on almost anything to make their lives easier. In Advanced countries, such as Singapore, commuters use applications like SBS transit to track which route to be used so you can arrive to your destination quickly. This also holds true on how they track the timings of the buses and trains to reduce waiting time to be able to maximize their time efficiently. Common things like this shows how dependent people are to computers.
Second, most of the occupations more often than not involve the use of computers. Tasks which are repetitive in nature use computers to avoid human errors. Furthermore, complex enterprise functions such as accounting, charting and business planning requires more advanced computing skills and devices. It goes without saying that high level jobs needs basic to exceptional computing abilities to perform their work. Thus, showing how important computer literacy and how it will help you advance the corporate ladder.
In conclusion, having at least the basic skill on computers in no longer a nice to have but is a prerequisite to survive our daily lives. Most of the time, we rely on computers so much that not having the skills to operate these devices will be at a disadvantage. It is recommended that people should start to improve their computer skills to be able help on one’s advancement.


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## movingWA (Jul 2, 2013)

Please refer to the above essay & let me know whether its qualifying for band 7 or less.


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## saqibaliali (Feb 5, 2014)

Absolutely no.Sorry for this but I wants to be honest with you



longbacks said:


> Hello IELTS Writing Gurus,
> 
> Would you mind rating my essay so I would have at least an estimate on what band am I in?
> 
> ...


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