# 2nd Wife



## lightofyourlife (Sep 4, 2013)

For muslim ladies, or anyone who can relate on the same situation. If you are a second wife how are you able to manage it? I'm having a hard time though I thought I can do it. If any advise please.


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## imac (Oct 14, 2012)

*here comes the righteous brigade*


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## Guest (Sep 16, 2013)

So you are saying that you are the second wife? 

Btw I just read somewhere that if a guy is married to 2 or more women, he can sponsor only one of them.


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## dizzyizzy (Mar 30, 2008)

Are you having problems with the first wife? or just finding it hard to be the second wife?


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## imac (Oct 14, 2012)

nathanalgren said:


> Btw I just read somewhere that if a guy is married to 2 or more women, he can sponsor only one of them.


No, can sponsor up to 2, the second one requires a 5k bank guarantee...


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## lightofyourlife (Sep 4, 2013)

nathanalgren said:


> So you are saying that you are the second wife?
> 
> Btw I just read somewhere that if a guy is married to 2 or more women, he can sponsor only one of them.


Yes.

That is true. I'm the one sponsored coz we both here. Other is in the home country. I would like to know how to manage especially when it comes to feelings and all. I dont think I can ignore in my whole life.


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## lightofyourlife (Sep 4, 2013)

dizzyizzy said:


> Are you having problems with the first wife? or just finding it hard to be the second wife?


I'm finding it hard to be the second wife.


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## dizzyizzy (Mar 30, 2008)

Ouch. Sorry to hear. I can imagine is not an easy situation. I don't know for how long you've been married for but perhaps you just need more time to get used to it? Sorry I don't have a lot of advice for you, hopefully someone with actual first hand experience on this will be able to help you.


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## lightofyourlife (Sep 4, 2013)

dizzyizzy said:


> Ouch. Sorry to hear. I can imagine is not an easy situation. I don't know for how long you've been married for but perhaps you just need more time to get used to it? Sorry I don't have a lot of advice for you, hopefully someone with actual first hand experience on this will be able to help you.



We're married less than a year now. The fact on the way he got married to that lady is what hurting me until now. He married her for his parents. So we have decided to marry after. So instead of me being first, I became second. I hope I will get used to it. Thanks.


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## ccr (Jun 20, 2010)

I am confused...

You guys are married less than a year and living in Dubai, then he got married again back in Pakistan ?

Or he was already married and you guys got married afterward, then he sponsored you to move to Dubai with him ?


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## imac (Oct 14, 2012)

...and does first know about the second?


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## haibinhle (Jun 1, 2013)

imac said:


> ...and does first know about the second?


As far as I know, in order to get married with the second, the man must have 'approval' from the first so basically, the wives must know each other.


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## Tropicana (Apr 29, 2010)

Not necessarily....


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## imac (Oct 14, 2012)

haibinhle said:


> As far as I know, in order to get married with the second, the man must have 'approval' from the first so basically, the wives must know each other.


that usually takes the form of "no 1, here is no 2. make some space in the wardrobe and show her where the towels are..."


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## dizzyizzy (Mar 30, 2008)

Why is any of this relevant? She's not asking advice about visas or how to marry if the guy is already married. Back to topic please.


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## oz75 (Feb 2, 2011)

Hi

Why does it bother you....it different does it make if you are the first or the second - if he had to marry the other one to please his parents - so be it - some families are like this.

The fact is - he married you...he could have not...or his parents could have told him not to...either way - he did...

she's back in pakistan....he lives here with you...i'm assuming he spends more time with you than he does with her.

How do you manage feelings?? Well that depends on how he manages his feelings - is he in a physical relationship with the wife in pakistan....does he plan on having children with her?

DO you know if they are affectionate etc...whatever the story is - as long as he is loving and caring to you and devotes his entire time to you and your family - or potential family - that should be important.

The best way to look at it - in my opinion - is to think when he is in pakistan - imagine he is away on business for work...

maybe that will make things easier for you.....

saying all that - i would think this depends hugely on what his relationship is like - with the other wife....

are they in love - are they close friends - does he care for her - and of course the intimate issue.


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## lightofyourlife (Sep 4, 2013)

ccr said:


> I am confused...
> 
> You guys are married less than a year and living in Dubai, then he got married again back in Pakistan ?
> 
> Or he was already married and you guys got married afterward, then he sponsored you to move to Dubai with him ?


We are in a relationship before he went for marriage. He has to go back to obey his parents. But we dont want to end ours. So after he came back here, we decided to be married.


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## lightofyourlife (Sep 4, 2013)

Tropicana said:


> Not necessarily....


You are right. Its not necessary.


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## lightofyourlife (Sep 4, 2013)

dizzyizzy said:


> Why is any of this relevant? She's not asking advice about visas or how to marry if the guy is already married. Back to topic please.


Yes. I want some advise how to be stronger to handle my situation pls. Thanks dizzyizzy.


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## lightofyourlife (Sep 4, 2013)

oz75 said:


> Hi
> 
> Why does it bother you....it different does it make if you are the first or the second - if he had to marry the other one to please his parents - so be it - some families are like this.
> 
> ...


I'm touched to your words. Highly appreciated.

This is the part I'm getting curious if "they are in love, close friends or if he really cares for her now and the intimate issues"...he was arranged for this and never bothered abt everything during the preparation of that marriage. I know he doesnt like the lady but i'm feeling different nowadays. So I'm starting to think if he really cares and love her now. Intimate issues grrrrr it kills me.


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## imac (Oct 14, 2012)

dizzyizzy said:


> Why is any of this relevant?...


if no 1 does not yet know about no 2, when it comes out, the feelings of jealousy that no 2 is feeling towards no 1 will be the least of her problems...

if no 1 does know about no 2, then the hybby's parents either already know or will soon know about no 2...

at some point the hubby is gonna want to have kids with one or both of them, since no 1 happens to be the preferred choice for the parents, they will want their grandkids from no 1, and when that happens, the feelings of jealousy that no 2 is feeling towards no 1 will be the least of her problems...


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## lightofyourlife (Sep 4, 2013)

imac said:


> if no 1 does not yet know about no 2, when it comes out, the feelings of jealousy that no 2 is feeling towards no 1 will be the least of her problems...
> 
> if no 1 does know about no 2, then the hybby's parents either already know or will soon know about no 2...
> 
> at some point the hubby is gonna want to have kids with one or both of them, since no 1 happens to be the preferred choice for the parents, they will want their grandkids from no 1, and when that happens, the feelings of jealousy that no 2 is feeling towards no 1 will be the least of her problems...


I'm trying to anticipate that part already actually. And its very very hard. I know at the early stage of marriage she wants baby that fast.


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## earthworm88 (Jun 14, 2013)

lightofyourlife said:


> I'm touched to your words. Highly appreciated.
> 
> This is the part I'm getting curious if "they are in love, close friends or if he really cares for her now and the intimate issues"...he was arranged for this and never bothered abt everything during the preparation of that marriage. I know he doesnt like the lady but i'm feeling different nowadays. So I'm starting to think if he really cares and love her now. Intimate issues grrrrr it kills me.


Let's forget about the pecking order here for now, because you can't change the fact that he married that lady first, and you second. Let's talk about emotions as it appears that you are having a hard time dealing with the fact that he may/may not have developed feelings for the other person. 

He was "coerced" into marrying the other lady because of his filial duty, but it's not only her that's involved, but his parents and her parents as well. I am sure there will be pressure for them to continue the family line etc. No matter how you look at it, he cannot treat the other person like an enemy (unless he really hated her for some reasons, but then he would vehemently refuse to go through with the farce), so you can assume that they would act like any married couple eventually (just a matter of time). But you know all this when you agreed to marry him. Luckily he is mostly here with you (presumably), and your marriage was built on mutual love and care etc. 

So you can't change the fact that he has two wives, and one of them is you. There is only one way to get yourself out of the situation which is not what I am suggesting, that means you have to deal with your emotions appropriately before you go crazy. 

Are you going to keep dwelling on what he does when he goes home? Are you going to make yourself miserable thinking "useless" stuff? Luckily you both live in a different country, and that makes life easier for you. I know it's easier said than done, but for the sake of your mental health, you need to perhaps speak to your mom/sisters or marriage counselors to figure out how you can get yourself out of this mental torture. 

We all have different personalities, so how we deal with situations like this will vary greatly. One would hope that you are both being treated equally(not in materialistic way), but selfishly, we of course want ourselves to be special and treated extraordinarily, so it is the mindset at which you need to have. 

Life is too short, worrying and thinking about "them" is only going to make you miserable, which in turn will affect you emotionally and mentally, and your marriage will suffer at the end. So if you and your husband are truly in love and care for each other, and planning to have family together, then you need to learn to stop thinking about the other party and work on your own happiness. 

Our human minds and hearts are so complicated, so I understand it's not something that can be easily brushed aside or shut off. Being in a monogamous relationship is a challenge itself, so it would be a lot of hard work for you. If your objective is to have a happy life with this man, you have to stop your own mental torture because being miserable is not going to make the other woman disappear. 

Best of luck, I hope you will find a way to best deal with this emotionally and be happy. 

Cheers!


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## earthworm88 (Jun 14, 2013)

lightofyourlife said:


> I'm trying to anticipate that part already actually. And its very very hard. I know at the early stage of marriage she wants baby that fast.


You are saying the "whole world" doesn't know about your marriage?  
That just threw a monkey wrench into the whole equation.


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## lightofyourlife (Sep 4, 2013)

earthworm88 said:


> You are saying the "whole world" doesn't know about your marriage?
> That just threw a monkey wrench into the whole equation.


I didnt mean that way...


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## lightofyourlife (Sep 4, 2013)

earthworm88 said:


> Let's forget about the pecking order here for now, because you can't change the fact that he married that lady first, and you second. Let's talk about emotions as it appears that you are having a hard time dealing with the fact that he may/may not have developed feelings for the other person.
> 
> He was "coerced" into marrying the other lady because of his filial duty, but it's not only her that's involved, but his parents and her parents as well. I am sure there will be pressure for them to continue the family line etc. No matter how you look at it, he cannot treat the other person like an enemy (unless he really hated her for some reasons, but then he would vehemently refuse to go through with the farce), so you can assume that they would act like any married couple eventually (just a matter of time). But you know all this when you agreed to marry him. Luckily he is mostly here with you (presumably), and your marriage was built on mutual love and care etc.
> 
> ...


Totally appreciate and thanks. You are right its mental torture on my side. And so your advice is giving me a positive mindset which I need. I dont want to be like this miserable in my whole life with him.


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## w_man (Apr 16, 2010)

Another way to take away this 'mental torture' is to bring everything out in the open - assuming his family and the first wife doesn't know about you and his second marriage.

I am not trying to be high and mighty, just suggesting that this news WILL come out one day - it has to. The sooner you are honest with everyone and possibly divorce the first wife, the sooner you will have less to worry about - including his feelings and all the other stuff you're worried about.

Since you are already considering kids and raising a family, it's even more important all parties involve understand what's going on. Also, it would be good for the first wife to be free to marry someone else and move on with her life. Again, this is all based on an assumption that she doesn't know about you and his second marriage in Dubai.

Good luck


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## mehranR (Jul 27, 2013)

This may not sound too smart or supporting but here is the truth and this is something that you will have to deal with,
First wife: parents choice, chances are that she is here to stay for ever, the more you push the husband to let the first one go, the worse, things will get between you and his family. If his parents have so much influence on him and he gets rid of their choice of bride, he will lose parents support and something tells me that if he may leave you to gain their trust, since it was important for him to fulfill their wishes and marry their choice of bride.
You: his choice, that should mean something. 
Unfortunately with a lot of cases that I have seen the women won't have much to say about who should stay and who should go. 
At this point here is how I see it: if you had two kids, you would have to love them equally and create a environment for them to feel the same love. That's what your husband should do.
At the same time if only one of the wives gets all the attention at some point the other wife will snap and demand more. If you think you cannot deal with this, get out now. 
It's not about first and second choice anymore, rather about living in harmony. Don't freak out if the first wife suddenly comes and lives with you. 
Sorry to see you in this situation. Hope you find the answers you are looking for here, but the real answer should come from your husband.


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## imac (Oct 14, 2012)

1. When the news comes out about the second marriage (you), the crap will hit the fan and then its a whole different ball game; that is, if we are correct in assuming this is still not out in the open

2. He is not going to leave the first wife, and if that's what you are waiting for, then you will be waiting forever. If the guy got married to her to appease his parents, there is no way he will leave her without their agreement, which wont come, because I am sure there will be significant social pressure on them too when the news of the second marriage comes out, it becomes a matter of their honor in their local community since they are the ones who arranged the marriage in the first place

3. If you are planning to wait it out till his parents kick the bucket and then try to convince him to leave the first one, chances are by then the first wife will have kids, and probably you too, which makes leaving one or the other not just difficult, but also unfair

4. Speaking of, do you know how she is dealing with the fact that he has another wife in the UAE? This is assuming she knows, which I doubt.


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## rsinner (Feb 3, 2009)

@ imac - if you read the full thread again, the first wife, the 2nd wife, the family EVERYONE knows about the two wives.
OP is looking for ways to cope with the fact that she has to share the husband with another woman.


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## mehranR (Jul 27, 2013)

rsinner said:


> @ imac - if you read the full thread again, the first wife, the 2nd wife, the family EVERYONE knows about the two wives.
> OP is looking for ways to cope with the fact that she has to share the husband with another woman.


Actually I didn't see anything where she indicated that his family knows about her. 
If his family know about her then its only her who will have to deal with issues. But she hasn't mentioned it yet.


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## Guest (Sep 17, 2013)

From what I understand, his family or his other wife definitely doesn't know about her...


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## ccr (Jun 20, 2010)

I thought, per religion, it is required that the 1st wife need to condone before the husband marries another wife ?


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## Enzoo (May 15, 2012)

for marrying your husband despite the fact that you are the second choice obviously you are because the first one was the family of your husband's choice , you will just have to live with it . it may seem hard for you at first but im sure you will get over it . i guess you love your husband because you already know beforehand that he has a first wife already so you must be prepared mentally and emotionally to accept that you will be the second wife .


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## keliska (Mar 18, 2013)

Enzoo said:


> because you already know beforehand that he has a first wife already so you must be prepared mentally and emotionally to accept that you will be the second wife .


Exactly. You married him, you knew you'll be second wife, you put yourself consciously into this situation so you already must have accepted the negative sides of it.


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## loveexplorer (Apr 26, 2017)

imac said:


> No, can sponsor up to 2, the second one requires a 5k bank guarantee...


Hi, please tle me how many year they will give visa


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