# Father in law TROUBLE



## Phil_expat (Jan 3, 2011)

I did tell my wife father that we were busy so he could not visit. He got very upset! he think it is up to him not I to say when. I know of no country where he would be right thinking like this.


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## lefties43332 (Oct 21, 2012)

Phil_expat said:


> I did tell my wife father that we were busy so he could not visit. He got very upset! he think it is up to him not I to say when. I know of no country where he would be right thinking **** this


In Philippines....unreal what they think is right!


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## M.C.A. (Feb 24, 2013)

It's gonna be tough to separate the wife from the family especially her parent and for sure it's way different here when it comes to family they will eventually need a get together... Or the wife will end up visiting them, it's always a money drain and don't forget once you anger the citizen they never forget... that is what my neighbors shared with me one time.


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## lefties43332 (Oct 21, 2012)

Gorgeous women but not worth it. Surprising how guys get confused and tolerate the weird things after yrs there. Most become half Filipino ised.....many end up dying there with little to nothing. Its the take from the foreigner frame of mind.


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## bigpearl (Jan 24, 2016)

lefties43332 said:


> Gorgeous women but not worth it. Surprising how guys get confused and tolerate the weird things after yrs there. Most become half Filipino ised.....many end up dying there with little to nothing. Its the take from the foreigner frame of mind.


Interesting thoughts/observations Steve and I see where you are coming from but not all fall into that niche while many do. Only my experience but as a foreigner in any country we have to remain strong and hold to beliefs, negotiate when required but at the end of the day the controlled bucks are controlled by bucks/stags.

Our standards are there and cannot be lost to lust or blind love, thinking back on my recent contributions today I have to say that someone needs to be in control and sincerely hold to acceptable values/morals and an acceptable foolish loss. Dying there with nothing matters little once you are gone as long as you had a great time spending it. The foreigner frame of mind we see here including my own, enjoy I will try.

Cheers, Steve.


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## Manitoba (Jun 25, 2014)

In the west we have the nuclear family, just mom, dad and the kids. Extended family only includes grandparents, siblings and perhaps first cousins and they are generally only seen in a group at special occasions. It is rare for a grandparent to live with the adult children and grandchildren.

Here the family unit that lives together includes not only siblings, but cousins sometimes up to the 3rd or 4th level, all in one big family unit. Grandparents and if still living great grandparents, spinster aunts and other distant relatives are all included and taken care of by the collective family.

In the west we raise our kids to become independent adults, capable of functioning on their own and leading their own lives. Here the reverse is true, the family raises kids so that the next generation can take care of the older generation, bonds of duty to the parents, aunts and uncles as well as grandparents are very strong.

So is the degree of influence that parents will exert and the obedience that they expect from their adult children.

For example when my daughter was 16 I never would have told her who to date and who not to date, and if I did I never would have expected that she would follow that. I am currently chatting with a 36 year old woman, she refuses to actually see me until I meet her parents, ask their permission to date her and am accepted by them.

The boundaries that we expect to see in the west, that the in laws will ask before coming for a visit simply do not exist here. The in laws will treat your house as simply a remote portion of their house, they will come when they want, stay as long as they want, eat and drink what they want (expecting you to keep restocking as necessary for as long as necessary) and expect that the daughter will support their visit and serve their needs. Naturally should they ask, you will have to send them travel money, book an airplane ticket or make ferry reservations (business class naturally since as a rich foreign son you can afford the additional expense and will gladly pay it to allow your in laws to come eat your food, drink your beer and rule your house in comfort.) You will also be expected to give up the best bedroom in your home, it would not be suitable for parents to sleep on a floor mattress when there is a nice king sized bed in the house.

This is not only the parents in laws, but your siblings in laws, cousins in law extended out to the 4th level that will expect this level of service and support from you.

Marriage is considered a merging of the families; you are now part of the family and your place in the pecking order is derived from her position in the family. If, for example, I was to marry the 36 year old I mentioned above, I would be considered the son, with the obligations and responsibilities of a son, despite the fact that I am older than her parents, much better educated and much more money in the bank. 


That you have more money in your pocket right now than they have ever seen collectively is irrelevant, as the son in law it is considered your duty to give and share with the other family members, freely as they would naturally if they had more than 2 p in their pockets to reciprocate. Keeping score is considered bad form as well.


You father in law has just been told that the entire life concept that he has been part of all his life and has existed for many generations here is not going to be respected. He is basically dumbfounded that this would occur, it is so far outside what he sees as normal that he simply cannot comprehend what has happened and why.

It is said that you may marry the person but you also marry the family. This plus you marry the culture is true here. If you are going to have a local wife, then you have to expect that she will want to follow the local culture as that is what she was raised to believe was the natural order of things.


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## bigpearl (Jan 24, 2016)

Manitoba said:


> In the west we have the nuclear family, just mom, dad and the kids. Extended family only includes grandparents, siblings and perhaps first cousins and they are generally only seen in a group at special occasions. It is rare for a grandparent to live with the adult children and grandchildren.
> 
> Here the family unit that lives together includes not only siblings, but cousins sometimes up to the 3rd or 4th level, all in one big family unit. Grandparents and if still living great grandparents, spinster aunts and other distant relatives are all included and taken care of by the collective family.
> 
> ...


Rick. Wow and wow again, lol, I am sure most here will partially if not whole heartedly agree, myself semi but I think you pretty well summed up the scenario for the uninitiated and then a little more, well done and great to hear your thoughts and input on what is considered a sensitive issue with ones better half and their perspective, both family and cultural norms.

Contributions to our family here are minimal but given and received graciously and then some, our contributions are a measly AU 1K per year, 35 to 40K PHP. Mum and Dad, their brothers and sisters, their children and again their children and now 2 great grand children are always family. We are family and as a gay couple accepted into the fold with love and all that goes with family sh*t. Perhaps I/we are lucky and got off lightly? Bens Mum and Dad are my age and the respect is mutual, business arrangement? Definitely not, I can see that they consider me part of the family as I am their sons choice.

When we took over/ removed the tenant from from our house (PH) who incidentally was the previous owner/builder that we purchased the property from left a mess big time (pig in western norms and yes to boot was a westerner from Canada) Bens family, 11 or 12 of them came in and cleaned up for 2 days, family, no charge or cost apart from some food, others contributed by bringing food for the family workers, yes more family.

Perhaps another topic but what would we call it?

Cheers, Steve.


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## Manitoba (Jun 25, 2014)

You won the relationship with the in law lottery there Steve. I had a pretty good relationship with my ex in laws too, there was actual mutual respect between us and when my ex-wife and I split the impact on my mother-in-law was a significant concern to me. (more than the impact on her daughter.)

*One thing that we can lose sight of here, since this is the most westernized Asian society is that it is still an Asian society first.* Add in the Spanish cultural influence from olden days when even a western nation had the much stronger family ties and it is no wonder that a modern western perspective can clash with how things are done here.

Right now it amuses me that when I meet people, and they find out that I am living alone, traveling around the country alone, they are totally shocked that I would consider doing that let alone being comfortable with it. The idea of traveling and being alone is so foreign to them that they have cogitative problems in actually believing that simple fact.

The overall point I was trying to make is that you cannot apply western cultural norms to an Asian culture. You need to understand the underlying reasons for the behaviors and accept that you will never change them. If you cannot learn accept or at least to tolerate them, then the best option is to get on the next plane out of here.

Once married that would mean taking your spouse with you, you will then subject your spouse to the reverse cultural shock, she will have a lot of trouble coping with the norms of Western life.

It is no wonder that mixed culture marriages have such a high failure rate. Men come here looking for an Asian bride with all that implies and then when they find out that she and her family are not completely western in their behaviors cannot accept it.

They cannot have their cake and eat it too.


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## esv1226 (Mar 13, 2014)

Phil_expat said:


> I did tell my wife father that we were busy so he could not visit. He got very upset! he think it is up to him not I to say when. I know of no country where he would be right thinking like this.


i am glad you did that. it may be unpopular and unfilipino, - but it is good that you set your boundaries early. next time he'll ask when he can come. however it is important to let your wife know that you meant no disrespect. maybe she can ask him (and no others) when he would like to come for a drink/meal - a time that you both can agree on. 
maybe he will understand that you come from a different culture. maybe he will like you when you get to know each other better.


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## M.C.A. (Feb 24, 2013)

You're a wallet and when the wallet is wide open they smile when the wallet is closed only frowns... explained in a nutshell.


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## Tukaram (Dec 18, 2014)

Manitoba said:


> ... it is considered your duty to give and share with the other family members, freely as they would naturally if they had more than 2 p in their pockets to reciprocate. Keeping score is considered bad form as well...


I had some family try for some money when I first got here, and I made it very clear that I was not an ATM, and my wife did not win the lottery. We had it easy because there were no parents in the scene, and any extended family is on their own.

My girlfriend (later wife) said she was orphan when I met her, but she meant that her mom was dead, and father was with his 2nd family. The only thing I ever gave him was a p500 cell phone.

It has not been a problem. Once they figured out that "no" meant no, we have gotten along very well. When we go to a beach resort I may pay all the entrance fees, but they provide the food & drink. We all share. 

It is very important to determine whose side your girl is on. I let her handle the bills for a while and she realized that there honestly was very little left each month, and she quickly put a stop to the requests... or at least she stops them from reaching me - same thing ha ha  

I married her, not her family. If that was going to be a problem, I would not have married her.


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## hogrider (May 25, 2010)

Manitoba said:


> In the west we have the nuclear family, just mom, dad and the kids. Extended family only includes grandparents, siblings and perhaps first cousins and they are generally only seen in a group at special occasions. It is rare for a grandparent to live with the adult children and grandchildren.
> 
> Here the family unit that lives together includes not only siblings, but cousins sometimes up to the 3rd or 4th level, all in one big family unit. Grandparents and if still living great grandparents, spinster aunts and other distant relatives are all included and taken care of by the collective family.
> 
> ...


I started a detailed reply, but it became too long winded. I will just simply say that I have never experienced any of what you have described. None of my wifes family would dream of arriving at our house uninvited. Neither do they expect anything from me/us. My wife helps with her parents medicines each month and that is it.


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## greenstreak1946 (May 28, 2017)

hey Phil

I feel for you. I have been through the same problems when I was married to my ex filipino wife. It really takes a man that will let her be the boss to stay married to them. I am not that type of person to allow her to do what she wants with her family. So, I divorced her. 

I had same problems with her family when I lived in Davao city. they would just show up any time they wanted to. They always was getting money that I had given to her. Most filipinos women will make their family come first. If you can't accept that it will be a problem. that is why I am divorced.

I truly sympathized with you. I hope you can work it out for your sake. I told my ex I didn't marry her to support her family but she insisted on taking care of them any ways, so I stop that right away with her. I stopped giving her money.

art


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## Manitoba (Jun 25, 2014)

Tukaram said:


> ....
> It is very important to determine whose side your girl is on. I let her handle the bills for a while and she realized that there honestly was very little left each month, and she quickly put a stop to the requests... or at least she stops them from reaching me - same thing ha ha
> 
> I married her, not her family. If that was going to be a problem, I would not have married her.


One strategy that I have heard of is to provide your SO an allowance for all her pocket needs AND to take care of any family issues. Then when they ask you for help, you can tell them that your SO is handling all that. Shifts the onus from you to her.

Another is to provide a sum in an account, any loans from this account must be repaid, all loans come from this account. That way the pressure is from other family members to get the deadbeat to repay so that there is money for others.


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## Manitoba (Jun 25, 2014)

hogrider said:


> I started a detailed reply, but it became too long winded. I will just simply say that I have never experienced any of what you have described. None of my wifes family would dream of arriving at our house uninvited. Neither do they expect anything from me/us. My wife helps with her parents medicines each month and that is it.


Not all families are that way, and in many it is a matter of degree.

A family that has its own money, has some education, and has some assets and income will naturally not rely on you as much as a poor uneducated family.

Attitude, independent of how much money and education they have, plays a more important part.


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## Tukaram (Dec 18, 2014)

Manitoba said:


> One strategy that I have heard of is to provide your SO an allowance for all her pocket needs AND to take care of any family issues. Then when they ask you for help, you can tell them that your SO is handling all that. Shifts the onus from you to her.
> 
> Another is to provide a sum in an account, any loans from this account must be repaid, all loans come from this account. That way the pressure is from other family members to get the deadbeat to repay so that there is money for others.


I was doing a "one loan" system. There was only one loan out at a time, for the whole family. If anyone wants money, and there is a loan out, I would say you cannot borrow until (insert name under the bus) pays it back. Also, I never loaned much - the biggest ever was p5,000. Usually only 1 or 2 k.

She asked for her own pocket money... and used it to become a 5/6er ha ha


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## M.C.A. (Feb 24, 2013)

*Family/Friend Loans*



Tukaram said:


> I was doing a "one loan" system. There was only one loan out at a time, for the whole family. If anyone wants money, and there is a loan out, I would say you cannot borrow until (insert name under the bus) pays it back. Also, I never loaned much - the biggest ever was p5,000. Usually only 1 or 2 k.
> 
> She asked for her own pocket money... and used it to become a 5/6er ha ha


My wife can't even loan out 200 pesos it won't be repaid with out getting the barangay involved and then the months of bad talking and fighting I've had enough. 

I've accepted friendships with many of the family children but found out from the photos and videos the teens post of their shenanigans and was able to show my wife that they not only travel frequently to tourist spots (these are dirt poor people?) but seem to eat out frequently to restaurant or cook large party meals they also have no shortages of booze and cigarettes but they still bug us to give them money so that her brother can afford transportation to get his injections for damaged lungs (former chain smoker and boozer), so they have no money for their own father, grand father but they sure have money for booze and cigarettes. 

The family members we helped through college two girls don't even bother visiting us when they come here for vacation one is now living in Canada and the other is a school teacher, they travel to Cebu to be with the family of their father Lol... I'm done with helping anyone out and I've told my wife to stop it because they are playing us for money, or in the case of the in-laws daughters 86'd us.


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## Tiz (Jan 23, 2016)

I've always just found the path of least resistance is to give my lady a monthly budget.

I never pay for anything other than the rent, vacations and any toys that I want (cameras, stereo, computers, etc).

She pays for everything from this budget, all our groceries, restaurants, bar nights, clothing, electricity, etc. 

This usually leaves some left over that allows her to invest for her own future, even if we part ways some time in the future, and also to help out a few of her relatives.

I know she sends some money to her parents (I have no idea how much, and don't care how much). I also know she supports a couple of cousins so they can continue in their studies and get themselves better employment in the long run, rather than having to leave school and take low paying jobs. Again, I have no idea how much she gives them, and I also don't care how much.

She also understands that in the next year or so, then I will retire. 
So the monthly allowance will also need to reduce a bit.
She currently says that she will go back when I retire, but we'll see!!


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## Manitoba (Jun 25, 2014)

Tiz said:


> I've always just found the path of least resistance is to give my lady a monthly budget.
> 
> I never pay for anything other than the rent, vacations and any toys that I want (cameras, stereo, computers, etc).
> 
> ...


If and when I get a lady, that will be my plan. 

Can I ask what you set her budget at? If you don't want top reply publicity PM please.

Depending on where we end up I was hoping that around 60 k p would cover all that with rent in the 15 to 20k per month range.


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## Tiz (Jan 23, 2016)

Manitoba said:


> If and when I get a lady, that will be my plan.
> 
> Can I ask what you set her budget at? If you don't want top reply publicity PM please.
> 
> Depending on where we end up I was hoping that around 60 k p would cover all that with rent in the 15 to 20k per month range.


Yeah, no worries. Her current budget is 64K per month.
It was a mutually agreed figure, based on her expected expenditures about 5 years ago. 

Every year I receive a xx% increase from my employer, so we propagate that in to her budget as well.

It provides enough for us to live comfortably, and also for both of us to put some savings away.

She usually gets her budget from my mid-month salary, and will occasionally ask for an advance, but it never goes over budget, except for one time that her parents house blew away in a typhoon..
That month I gave her parents an additional 40K, and she and her sisters & brothers provided the rest to rebuild the house.


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## hogrider (May 25, 2010)

Guys guys, you can use whatever strategy you like, monthly allowance, one loan system. blah blah blah, but if your wife is not on your side, then you are doomed to a world of hassle and stress.
I do believe that some help should be made available to the wifes parents, as they become her responsibility along with the rest of the brothers sisters etc, as they grow old. It is not your responsibility to put cousins through school. My wife has an allowance which covers all of her personal items outside of the house budget, plus she has an additional allowance to help with her parents medicines etc. Outside of family emergencies, like when her brothers wife and newborn child died in childbirth that is it.


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## greenstreak1946 (May 28, 2017)

I am not saying there aren't some that are in it for love but all I have met was all about money. When I was married to my filipino wife after I got her here to florida we had all kind of troubles. I told her I was not supporting her family in the Philippines. Before she got a job and had money of her own she would get on video chat with her sister and cousins and her father would sit in the background and would not even talk to her. He showed a mad face to her. I knew it was because money wasn't being sent to him.

Well, I gave her money to go shopping at the mall here to buys clothes or whatever she wanted. I get a call 3 hours later she had been arrested for shoplifting. She had sent the money I gave her to her father at western union and stole the $200 worth of clothes. that crap cost me a total of $1700 to get her into a court alternative program. Then when she did get a job legally here she open a checking account. About every 2 months I found out she was overdrawing on her checking account. Each time it cost her an additional fee of $35. I knew she was sending money back to her family even when she didn't have it in her checking account. She would just overdraw on the account.

I am happy for all the guys that are married to a filipino and she doesn't do as my wife did. It was a 'nightmare being married to a filipino. I am not the easy type of guy and I know that.

IF I WAS GOING TO GIVE MONEY THEN IT WOULD BE TO MY DAUGHTER AND NOT SUPPORT THE FILIPINO FAMILY!

Just my thoughts on this problem.

art


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## Tiz (Jan 23, 2016)

I've got no problem helping out her parents, as long as her brothers & sisters are also contributing.

Its not much that I miss out on, and it makes a world of difference to them.

I also don't have an issue with helping a couple of cousins to stay in school.

My lady only had the opportunity to go to college because one of her cousins paid to put her through. So its just passing on the goodness that was previously given to her.


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## greenstreak1946 (May 28, 2017)

hey Tiz

I agree on part of your post. I tried helping out parents before and it turned into a flood of brothers, cousins and nephews wanting money. The problem is most filipino people think the foreigners are rich and have a endless amount of money coming in all the time. They don't even have a clue how much it cost to live in the USA. Even $1,000 a week doesn't go far here but to them we are wealthy. 

So, to keep it fair I don't give to anyone. I am sorry to say this but the best lady is one that doesn't have any family left to give money to. Then there are no ties with her to the family.

I do understand they have it very rough there. I feel sorry for them but with me being retired I can't just give money to everyone. Eventually, I will be broke. I am not going to let that happen to me no matter what!!

art


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## Manitoba (Jun 25, 2014)

I guess the bottom line is you need to put hard and fast limits in place on how much support you provide the family. The exact way to enforce these limits is not that important.

Different families will need slightly different handling. Some expect the rich foreigner to give and give and give. Some have a slightly more western attitude and will not ask, some will demand.

Whatever the situation is, you really need to talk it through with your partner before getting to far down any particular path, as it will be very difficult to switch paths later, especially if you are trying to reduce the amount you support her family.


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## greenstreak1946 (May 28, 2017)

well Hogrider said the magic words. If your wife is not on your side then the marriage is going to be hell. I personally will never get involved with a lady that has family she wants to support. I know it will be trouble. The problem is most of the time the foreigner marries the family also.

art


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## bigpearl (Jan 24, 2016)

So much positive info offered up here, great for the forum as well as those entrenched here like myself.
Boundaries/negotiations need to be set early in the relationship (most likely renegotiated as time goes on) and I think I said this before but will say again. I met and fell in love with my better half almost 8 years ago, a committed working Filipino that as the youngest sibling gave 25 to 30% of his after tax wage to help with his fathers medical needs and appears that his older brother and sister contributed little to nothing with an/the excuse that they had their own family to raise. 12 years age difference.

I said to my partner Ben through thick and thin we will always honour your commitment/to , help to Mum and Dad some PHP 40K per year, not much to me/us now but appreciated by the family. 
The next best thing that happened was Ben moving to, living, and working in Oz for almost 5 years where many lessons were learnt including cost of living, budgeting, differing cultural acceptances/norms as well as work ethics and longevity of the monies earn't by hard earned graft instead of the ritual day to day living as many Filipinos do. Cheer up the tide can be turned.
While Ben sees our wealth has learnt that it was gained with hard work and wise investments not to be flittered away and that money makes money.
Cut to the chase I have a Father in law that I get on well with (Mum is a gem, 25 years OFW sending her children through Uni and their needs, good english to boot) but my Ilicano and Tagalog is sh*t and his English is comparable.
Our (direct) family there make no demands, some cousins, even cheeky neighbours proffer opportunities that are graciously declined by Ben, he says to me at times,,,,,, can you believe so and so asked this?

I am lucky, We have a good family and I have a partner on the same page.

Sorry for the yet again ramble.

Cheers, Steve.


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