# Help Wanted to Keep Family Together



## Lindavid6 (Nov 7, 2010)

I am new to this so I apologize if this is incorrect.

I moved here from the UK (I come from London, my wife comes from Northern Ireland but hasn't lived there for over 10 years) nearly two years ago with my wife, and our two small children (3 and 5), I have an excellent job, and in my view Canada really has so many opportunities for all of us. I basically love it here, yes some things are more expensive, but generally I am in a much better state financially and professionally than I was in the UK. 

Unfortunately my wife doesn't feel the same way, she doesn't like it here hasn't from Day 1 if we are honest, has never embraced Canada, and wants to move back to Northern Ireland taking the kids with her; in her eyes there are just as many opportunities there as there are her. I know that moving back to the UK is the wrong thing to do but it is an emotional attachment and not a rational argument with her, I just don't think she realizes how bad it is there, and what a great chance she has here.

This is really my last throw of the dice to try and find a circle of friends for us to socialize with as this is one of her biggest issues.

She doesn't know that I have posted on here but I really have run out of ideas, I work long hours so when it gets to weekends I just want to relax with her, and the family but in her eyes she has nobody to talk to on a daily basis, and is becoming more insular and withdrawn as the days wear on. I am open to any suggestions that may help me out of this situation.

Thanks


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## tazster (Apr 17, 2009)

Lindavid6 said:


> I am new to this so I apologize if this is incorrect.
> 
> I moved here from the UK (I come from London, my wife comes from Northern Ireland but hasn't lived there for over 10 years) nearly two years ago with my wife, and our two small children (3 and 5), I have an excellent job, and in my view Canada really has so many opportunities for all of us. I basically love it here, yes some things are more expensive, but generally I am in a much better state financially and professionally than I was in the UK.
> 
> ...


i would encourage her to think again there is little opportunities at present in ni the other day a hotel advertised 40 jobs and 1000 people turned up at thier door for work. also there is still a lot of hostility in the streets with ieds a threat. is she not interacting with other mums, that could help with her lonliness maybe she could take a p/t job


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## Auld Yin (Mar 10, 2009)

Lindavid6 said:


> I am new to this so I apologize if this is incorrect.
> 
> I moved here from the UK (I come from London, my wife comes from Northern Ireland but hasn't lived there for over 10 years) nearly two years ago with my wife, and our two small children (3 and 5), I have an excellent job, and in my view Canada really has so many opportunities for all of us. I basically love it here, yes some things are more expensive, but generally I am in a much better state financially and professionally than I was in the UK.
> 
> ...


Hello and welcome to the site,

Your dilemma is quite a common one. From reports the situation in NI is not good at the moment and will take many years before substantial improvement will come. It will be difficult to develop that circle of friends with your wife's very negative attitude which is already probably preventing her from creating friendships with other women. May I ask whereabouts in Toronto you live? I know from personal experience that if you live where all (most) women go to work and your wife is at home she will have difficulty meeting other mothers. You haven't said but I assume she's a stay at home mum/wife. What about her getting a part-time job and/or getting involved in some charitable work. She would at least be meeting people then.
What about the possible trip home cure? Very often after seeing/experiencing what it's really like there people can't wait to get on the first 'plane back. If, however, she's going back to live an upper-middle class life with her family she will not experience the true NI situation. I'm sure you've discussed with her that your career and professional situation may well not be as good in NI which presumably would affect your family's lifestyle.


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## Lindavid6 (Nov 7, 2010)

Auld Yin said:


> Hello and welcome to the site,
> 
> Your dilemma is quite a common one. From reports the situation in NI is not good at the moment and will take many years before substantial improvement will come. It will be difficult to develop that circle of friends with your wife's very negative attitude which is already probably preventing her from creating friendships with other women. May I ask whereabouts in Toronto you live? I know from personal experience that if you live where all (most) women go to work and your wife is at home she will have difficulty meeting other mothers. You haven't said but I assume she's a stay at home mum/wife. What about her getting a part-time job and/or getting involved in some charitable work. She would at least be meeting people then.
> What about the possible trip home cure? Very often after seeing/experiencing what it's really like there people can't wait to get on the first 'plane back. If, however, she's going back to live an upper-middle class life with her family she will not experience the true NI situation. I'm sure you've discussed with her that your career and professional situation may well not be as good in NI which presumably would affect your family's lifestyle.


Thanks,

Yes she is a stay at home mum, we live in Mimco. She is just not interested in joining in with other mums, she never has been, and this is half the problem! She comes from a very working class family in NI, and is in no way privileged she just has a huge emotional attachment with it which i don't understand. If she did go home it would all be seen through rose tinted glasses. I came here for the kids, so that they would have a chance in life, its much better then London or NI but she does not like it here and won't give it a fair chance. Hence why I looking for ideas. She seems to have lost all confidence in herself which is half the problem.


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## Auld Yin (Mar 10, 2009)

Lindavid6 said:


> Thanks,
> 
> Yes she is a stay at home mum, we live in Mimco. She is just not interested in joining in with other mums, she never has been, and this is half the problem! She comes from a very working class family in NI, and is in no way privileged she just has a huge emotional attachment with it which i don't understand. If she did go home it would all be seen through rose tinted glasses. I came here for the kids, so that they would have a chance in life, its much better then London or NI but she does not like it here and won't give it a fair chance. Hence why I looking for ideas. She seems to have lost all confidence in herself which is half the problem.


Obviously she needs to expand her horizons although perhaps she would never be happy unless surrounded by her family, but having said that, she lived in London for 10 years, presumably without her family around. What did she do with her day to day life there that she doesn't do in Mimico? Was she contented there? What, if any, friends do you have here? Have you really met the neighbours? If not how about inviting some of them in for an evening (drinks and a light supper). What about your work colleagues? Any there any you particularly like that you would like as friends? 
If you were to go back would it be to London or could you live in NI? Is she sufficiently depressed/disenamoured that she would book flights for herself and the children and leave without telling you?
Your situation is not to be envied. It appears that much compromise is needed on both sides. I wish you much luck in resolving this.


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## Guest (Nov 7, 2010)

Lindavid6 said:


> Thanks,
> 
> Yes she is a stay at home mum, we live in Mimco. She is just not interested in joining in with other mums, she never has been, and this is half the problem! She comes from a very working class family in NI, and is in no way privileged she just has a huge emotional attachment with it which i don't understand. If she did go home it would all be seen through rose tinted glasses. I came here for the kids, so that they would have a chance in life, its much better then London or NI but she does not like it here and won't give it a fair chance. Hence why I looking for ideas. She seems to have lost all confidence in herself which is half the problem.


You mentioned that you work long hours, so I guess that means she is alone with the kids a lot of the time? You also say you just want to relax with her on the weekends. I don't know if that means you just want to stay home, or you aren't interested in doing things. Understandable, but maybe if you both could make an effort to get out and do things, either as a family or as a couple, you could get to meet other people. 

I know from experience that it can be very isolating being at home with only kids to talk to, and it's easy to become like a hermit. The longer it goes on, the harder it can seem to make the effort to get out. I'm guessing that part of the reason your wife is missing NI so much is because there she has family who she can talk to, and who can help her with the kids.

Are any of the kids in school? If so, maybe helping out at the school once a week would be something to get out.

There used to be a parent/child centre in Mimico - don't know if it's still there or not? But that would be definitely something that is worth checking out. Parent/child centres offer classes in things like parenting concerns, womens' issues, general interest, etc. While the class is on, the kids are in a play group. It is a great way to meet other mums as well as get some support

Is there a friend and stay from London or NI that could come and stay for an extended visit? Maybe that person would see Canada with rose tinted glasses and be able to point out the good things about it to her (with a little coaxing from you ) 

Good luck. I hope it works out


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## dirtyghettokid (Nov 2, 2010)

i can kind of see where your wife is coming from; i'm canadian living in ireland. my husband is irish. i want to go back to canada but my husband doesn't want to leave his family. (but we're going anyway ) you really do miss home when your not happy. i, too stay at home, but not through my choice - i can't get a job due to the downturn in the economy. i also have no children. personally, i think canada is the better option for your children. i don't think she gave it enough time/effort. i've been here over 12 years and know now that i really don't like it here. northern ireland is only up the road from me but i can't say what it's like as it's UK governed and we're not... but if it's anything like down here in dublin then i would say that it would be a big mistake to move back to the north. 
really the problem is that she is not getting out and meeting people. she definitely would need to get out and mix a bit to feel a bit happier. she should give it some more time. if possible, maybe she should go for a holiday back to the north for a few weeks to see her family and whatnot. might make her feel better. if she spent more time in canada and felt it still wasn't for her then she probably will have to move back because if she didn't she would just feel resentful and awful. (i feel that way personally!)

people always tell me to get out an volunteer and whatnot but that's just something people say off the top of their head. one idea might be for her to seek out others in the GTA that are originally from the north or other parts of the UK that she can bond with and empathise with. i know if i had canadian friend(s) here it would have helped an awful lot!

it really is a tricky situation to be in. i hope you can work it out!


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## Lindavid6 (Nov 7, 2010)

Thanks, you have all been brilliant.

Its a difficult situation which is entirely driven by emotion and not rational thinking. Having had the conversations I have had over the past 2 days I can't see it changing either as compromise is a two way street which both parties need to be on. I will try and update regular on the outcome, but I can't see it being a good one for any of us. 

Thanks again.


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## Guest (Nov 8, 2010)

Lindavid6 said:


> Thanks, you have all been brilliant.
> 
> Its a difficult situation which is entirely driven by emotion and not rational thinking. Having had the conversations I have had over the past 2 days I can't see it changing either as compromise is a two way street which both parties need to be on. I will try and update regular on the outcome, but I can't see it being a good one for any of us.
> 
> Thanks again.


It's a very difficult situation for all of you - I really hope you are able to compromise and things work out better for you all


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## MandyB (Jan 14, 2010)

If you look up MeetUp on the internet there are a number of groups that have small children & meet up and make friends - this is one option. Do the children go to a playgroup/swimming lessons/gym? These are places she can meet other Mums. What about finding a hobby/activity you can do as a family when you are home? Can you take some vacation & take them travelling? 
Just a few ideas - I wish you luck.
We had friends who were almost PR when the wife decided she wanted to go back to UK - so after spending thousands of pounds & dollars they went back. She can't find work, one son is in school, one son has a labouring job & the hubby has to work away from home all week as there is no work near them!!! So it may seem 'ideal' back home until you are actually there!!
Now she is sorry she made them go back but it is too late.


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## Lindavid6 (Nov 7, 2010)

Thanks Mandy,

I feel that we do lots of things as a family and that there are lots to do here. Every weekend we do something even if it is just taking the kids swimming. As my eldest is nearly 5 I have just started taking him to Beavers in hope of meeting people, it's really my last roll of the dice.

As for going back I know what it is like, I work in construction which is always the worst hit in a recession, and I have been through two recessions in my working career, which is why I am resisting all attempts to move back. I just don't understand the whole yearning to be there, and why she doesn't want to enrich her life by meeting new people.


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## Lindavid6 (Nov 7, 2010)

Thanks Mandy,

I feel that we do lots of things as a family and that there are lots to do here. Every weekend we do something even if it is just taking the kids swimming. As my eldest is nearly 5 I have just started taking him to Beavers in hope of meeting people, it's really my last roll of the dice.

As for going back I know what it is like, I work in construction which is always the worst hit in a recession, and I have been through two recessions in my working career, which is why I am resisting all attempts to move back. I just don't understand the whole yearning to be there, and why she doesn't want to enrich her life by meeting new people.


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## BunskiBoo (Jul 10, 2009)

We are planning to move out to Canada next June, having landed our visas this year. Although I have no experience of living abroad, I feel I did a mini-move in the UK by moving to a completely different county. Okay, so it was still the UK but it may well have been another country. I knew no-one, my other half was out at work all day and my son (then 10 years old) was at school. I shut myself away (which is most unlike me because I'm usually chatty and sociable) and felt lonely and very sorry for myself. My poor partner used to come through the door at night to find me in tears! Then, one day, about four months into the move I decided I'd had enough and started to talk to the mums at school. I became very good friends with one particular mum (who knew LOADS of other people) so the circle of friends became a bit bigger. I then got a PT job in a local store and from there I've got to know so many other new people. 

My point is (as I'm sure you've already gathered) is that she will have to go out there and start the ball rolling. I remember thinking 'nobody knows I'm in this house feeling lonely' because nobody knew I even existed! Sometimes you just have to take the deep breath and get out there....and believe me it wasn't easy! My only regret is that I'd spent a few months feeling so low and lonely and causing my other half to perhaps regret our move. Never again.....when we do finally move across the water I intend to get out there....even if it means doing things I would not normally do. 

All I can say is I really hope she sees the light...I wouldn't go back to my 'home' county if you PAID me. When I do go back every now and so often I feel like a fish out of water. It all just takes time but it can be done...it just takes a bit of courage. Be kind to her, speak to her softly and I'll keep my fingers crossed that she changes her mind.


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## Lindavid6 (Nov 7, 2010)

BunskiBoo said:


> We are planning to move out to Canada next June, having landed our visas this year. Although I have no experience of living abroad, I feel I did a mini-move in the UK by moving to a completely different county. Okay, so it was still the UK but it may well have been another country. I knew no-one, my other half was out at work all day and my son (then 10 years old) was at school. I shut myself away (which is most unlike me because I'm usually chatty and sociable) and felt lonely and very sorry for myself. My poor partner used to come through the door at night to find me in tears! Then, one day, about four months into the move I decided I'd had enough and started to talk to the mums at school. I became very good friends with one particular mum (who knew LOADS of other people) so the circle of friends became a bit bigger. I then got a PT job in a local store and from there I've got to know so many other new people.
> 
> My point is (as I'm sure you've already gathered) is that she will have to go out there and start the ball rolling. I remember thinking 'nobody knows I'm in this house feeling lonely' because nobody knew I even existed! Sometimes you just have to take the deep breath and get out there....and believe me it wasn't easy! My only regret is that I'd spent a few months feeling so low and lonely and causing my other half to perhaps regret our move. Never again.....when we do finally move across the water I intend to get out there....even if it means doing things I would not normally do.
> 
> All I can say is I really hope she sees the light...I wouldn't go back to my 'home' county if you PAID me. When I do go back every now and so often I feel like a fish out of water. It all just takes time but it can be done...it just takes a bit of courage. Be kind to her, speak to her softly and I'll keep my fingers crossed that she changes her mind.




Thanks, they are really kind words, I have tried to encourage her to do things but she is very reluctant its as if there is a tie holding her back, or possibly a fear actually finding new friends, liking them and replacing the old ones. My view is that if they are friends they should be encouraging you o try new things, they will after all always be there, my friends are. Me personally I do not ever want to move back to the UK, I just need to get my wife to see what a backward step it would be.

I hope it all goes well for you, where would you intend to settle in Canada?


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## BunskiBoo (Jul 10, 2009)

Lindavid6 said:


> Thanks, they are really kind words, I have tried to encourage her to do things but she is very reluctant its as if there is a tie holding her back, or possibly a fear actually finding new friends, liking them and replacing the old ones. My view is that if they are friends they should be encouraging you o try new things, they will after all always be there, my friends are. Me personally I do not ever want to move back to the UK, I just need to get my wife to see what a backward step it would be.
> 
> I hope it all goes well for you, where would you intend to settle in Canada?


Hello there,

Have you thought of actually showing your wife this thread? Okay, initially she may be cross (maybe not?) but if she sees what you've written and the advice given, perhaps it will give her a different perspective on the situation. When I was going through my initial stages of loneliness, I didn't really give a thought to how hard it was for my other half. I think you become so insular that you forget about others!! Sounds so selfish now but I never intended to make life so hard and (hopefully) have learned a lesson from that time! Like I said,when we get to Canada if it means joining a group who dredge the local rivers to keep them clean, I'll be there!! 

Try not to despair....I really do believe that she could come round in the end. Everybody has different timescales for realising when enough is enough...she just hasn't reached that point yet. Of course, you could just organise (on the sly) a get together with your workmates (perhaps saying that somebody else has organised it?). That way, she would HAVE to socialise. You never know, she may like some of the other wives and the ball would then start rolling! Maybe it's a bit underhand but it could just work.

Thanks for your kind thoughts too! As to where we'll end up, who knows! Other half is applying for jobs left, right and centre (mostly in BC) but as yet has had no success. We have come to the conclusion that perhaps the only way forward is for him to go to Canada for 10 days or so to put his face about!

Nobody said this journey would be easy....I just hope your situations get better!


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## Lindavid6 (Nov 7, 2010)

BunskiBoo said:


> Hello there,
> 
> Have you thought of actually showing your wife this thread? Okay, initially she may be cross (maybe not?) but if she sees what you've written and the advice given, perhaps it will give her a different perspective on the situation. When I was going through my initial stages of loneliness, I didn't really give a thought to how hard it was for my other half. I think you become so insular that you forget about others!! Sounds so selfish now but I never intended to make life so hard and (hopefully) have learned a lesson from that time! Like I said,when we get to Canada if it means joining a group who dredge the local rivers to keep them clean, I'll be there!!
> 
> ...


Thanks, I did think about showing it to her but it may just tip her over the edge. I might just arrange a function, just to give her something to think about. I don't think she will ever come round I am resigned to her going back and papering over the cracks, she would lose too much face if she had to admit she was wrong.

May I ask what your hubby does I may be able to help out in someway?


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## BunskiBoo (Jul 10, 2009)

Lindavid6 said:


> Thanks, I did think about showing it to her but it may just tip her over the edge. I might just arrange a function, just to give her something to think about. I don't think she will ever come round I am resigned to her going back and papering over the cracks, she would lose too much face if she had to admit she was wrong.
> 
> May I ask what your hubby does I may be able to help out in someway?


She really is so low? I really hope not......

Go with the function organising, although I fear if you have her organise it, she may back out. My thought is that someone else organises an event and you two go along. Just a thought.

Hubby is a chemist, currently working as a QA Manager in food ingredients but previously in medical devices......


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## Lindavid6 (Nov 7, 2010)

BunskiBoo said:


> She really is so low? I really hope not......
> 
> Go with the function organising, although I fear if you have her organise it, she may back out. My thought is that someone else organises an event and you two go along. Just a thought.
> 
> Hubby is a chemist, currently working as a QA Manager in food ingredients but previously in medical devices......


She is very low and very negative about the whole experience, it does smack of the grass being greener syndrome though.

Chemist ah!! not really my forte that one, if it is anything like engineering here it is very entitled, I assume there is a registration body for Canadian chemists, I will ask round the office, when I am next in. The big food companies Kraft/Nabisco etc. all have plants in Ontario, I am not sure about BC though.


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## Jennianne (Feb 8, 2010)

Hi im still in uk at the moment! please let your wife know that uk not in a good way!! my hubby went to edmonton in september and we r getting ready to follow him out later this month! we r in scotland so cant say what state NI is in at the mo but things arent good this part of uk. We have 2 boys 5 and 8 and we r really looking forward to giving them a more happy stable life! they r the whole reason we r moving away from family! Im not looking forward to the homesickness but you def have to get out and about and meet people or u will go stir crazy! i have already met a few people in area im going on here and on facebook! I hope it all works out for you! x


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## Lindavid6 (Nov 7, 2010)

Jennianne said:


> Hi im still in uk at the moment! please let your wife know that uk not in a good way!! my hubby went to edmonton in september and we r getting ready to follow him out later this month! we r in scotland so cant say what state NI is in at the mo but things arent good this part of uk. We have 2 boys 5 and 8 and we r really looking forward to giving them a more happy stable life! they r the whole reason we r moving away from family! Im not looking forward to the homesickness but you def have to get out and about and meet people or u will go stir crazy! i have already met a few people in area im going on here and on facebook! I hope it all works out for you! x


Thanks, it just doesn't seem to register with her the state of the UK, she is completely convinced that everything here is rubbish or expensive. I know we are far better bringing up our boys here, if only I could somehow get her to see some sense. I hope it goes well in Edmonton for you, there will be bouts of homesickness but you have to look at the big picture. Its about quality of life for your children and where is the best place to bring them up!!


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## BunskiBoo (Jul 10, 2009)

Lindavid6 said:


> She is very low and very negative about the whole experience, it does smack of the grass being greener syndrome though.
> 
> Chemist ah!! not really my forte that one, if it is anything like engineering here it is very entitled, I assume there is a registration body for Canadian chemists, I will ask round the office, when I am next in. The big food companies Kraft/Nabisco etc. all have plants in Ontario, I am not sure about BC though.


That grass is a pain in the neck eh?! It'd be good if humans could be happy with it being just a shade above brown....

Yes, chemist.....shame there doesn't seem to be a major shortage of chemists over there....be great if they were clambering for them! Thanks for offering to ask around the office....be great to get some leads! Would like to move to BC side (son is mad keen on skiing/snowboarding etc so he's the driver). Realistically though, we know we have go where the jobs are.....

Keep us posted though and I wish you so much luck in all this. Stick with it, be patient and try to arrange that get together...


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## Jennianne (Feb 8, 2010)

thats what im looking at!! They are the ONLY reason we r doing it plus its a work visa he is there on so we arent tied in and keeping house here as wont sell in current market! Just is prob just that desp to some home she is blinded to what its like here hope you can all work it out! can u even agree to come back for a holiday and let her see what its like?? bit of compromise?


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## Lindavid6 (Nov 7, 2010)

BunskiBoo said:


> That grass is a pain in the neck eh?! It'd be good if humans could be happy with it being just a shade above brown....
> 
> Yes, chemist.....shame there doesn't seem to be a major shortage of chemists over there....be great if they were clambering for them! Thanks for offering to ask around the office....be great to get some leads! Would like to move to BC side (son is mad keen on skiing/snowboarding etc so he's the driver). Realistically though, we know we have go where the jobs are.....
> 
> Keep us posted though and I wish you so much luck in all this. Stick with it, be patient and try to arrange that get together...


No problem, I will keep you informed. Have you tried the Service Canada job bank website, Bienvenue au Guichet emplois / Welcome to Job Bank its where employers advertise, I have to if I am looking to get a work visa for an immigrant!!


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## BunskiBoo (Jul 10, 2009)

Lindavid6 said:


> No problem, I will keep you informed. Have you tried the Service Canada job bank website, Bienvenue au Guichet emplois / Welcome to Job Bank its where employers advertise, I have to if I am looking to get a work visa for an immigrant!!


Ooo, thanks for that....I'll run it by hubby....see if he's had a look already.

Keep your chin up....keeping my fingers crossed that it all works out for you and yours.


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