# How will my teenager cope



## bythesea

All being well I will be moving out to NZ Christchurch with my partner and 15 year old daughter, shes not keen as she will be leaving her dad, step sister and boyfriend. Has anyone else taken their teenager to NZ, if so did they settle quickly, make new friends enjoyed high school, I know it will be such a culture shock for her, or will it??

Any advice, or sharing of your experience in a similar situated I would be pleased to hear from you. xx


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## jojo

We're all different, but personally I wouldnt move her til she's ready. Is she doing exams in the UK? Maybe give her some time and let her stay with her father or friends until she's finished with school, boyfriend and is missing you enough to make her own choice to move???

I dont mean that to sound unkind, but having got four daughters one of which is a teenager (the others are now grown), I know how difficult they can make life if they're not happy and they're at that age where they tend to need their friends and familiar surroundings

Jo xxx


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## bythesea

jojo said:


> We're all different, but personally I wouldnt move her til she's ready. Is she doing exams in the UK? Maybe give her some time and let her stay with her father or friends until she's finished with school, boyfriend and is missing you enough to make her own choice to move???
> 
> I dont mean that to sound unkind, but having got four daughters one of which is a teenager (the others are now grown), I know how difficult they can make life if they're not happy and they're at that age where they tend to need their friends and familiar surroundings
> 
> Jo xxx


Thank you, the thing is I think her choice would be me over her dad if you know what I mean, but I have thought about her finishing her schooling in the UK. She is doing course work this year and then GCSE next year (year 11). She just says she knows she has no choice, but won't talk about it. I need her to tell me how she feels, which I will try and prise out of her over the next week.

If only the opportunity had arose 2 years ago, don't think I would have had any trouble then! xx


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## jojo

bythesea said:


> Thank you, the thing is I think her choice would be me over her dad if you know what I mean, but I have thought about her finishing her schooling in the UK. She is doing course work this year and then GCSE next year (year 11). She just says she knows she has no choice, but won't talk about it. I need her to tell me how she feels, which I will try and prise out of her over the next week.
> 
> If only the opportunity had arose 2 years ago, don't think I would have had any trouble then! xx


I know, life is full of "if onlys" I wish we'd moved to Spain a good few years before we did!

Sadly, my experience with teenage girls is that whatever she does/you do, you'll get the blame for it!!!!

Talk to her! Make her talk about it (hah, easier said than done). 15 is such a difficult age. Is she too old to be bribed - ipod/lap top/double pocket money???

I suppose the ideal solution FOR HER would be to postpone NZ til she's at least completed her exams, the ideal solution FOR YOU is to go now. I guess you just have to lay it down as it is. You ARE going and she has to make the decision (at least she'll maybe feel the decision was hers then??). But make it clear that if she stays in the UK, she can join you at any time, or if she comes with you she could return at any time, altho there is her education to think about and she cant chop and change on a whim!?

Rather you than me lol!!!


Jo xxx


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## xabiaxica

jojo said:


> I know, life is full of "if onlys" I wish we'd moved to Spain a good few years before we did!
> 
> Sadly, my experience with teenage girls is that whatever she does/you do, you'll get the blame for it!!!!
> 
> Talk to her! Make her talk about it (hah, easier said than done). 15 is such a difficult age. Is she too old to be bribed - ipod/lap top/double pocket money???
> 
> I suppose the ideal solution FOR HER would be to postpone NZ til she's at least completed her exams, the ideal solution FOR YOU is to go now. I guess you just have to lay it down as it is. You ARE going and she has to make the decision. But make it clear that if she stays in the UK, she can join you at any time, or if she comes with you she could return at any time, altho there is her education to think about and she cant chop and change on a whim!?
> 
> Rather you than me lol!!!
> 
> 
> Jo xxx


can she finish her GCSEs in NZ??

if not, you're right I reckon - at least wait til she's finished them


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## topcat83

xabiachica said:


> can she finish her GCSEs in NZ??
> 
> if not, you're right I reckon - at least wait til she's finished them


There are a number of schools in NZ that are adopting the Cambridge GCSE exams over the NZ NCEA exam system. Try investigating which ones are doing this in Christchurch. , Usually it's the ones in the higher decile areas, and ones with a high expat influx.

And I know it will be hard for her initially, but she will settle in. My son was a little bit older when he came over (18) but has such a better and healthier life than in the UK, and has made soooo many new friends.


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## xabiaxica

topcat83 said:


> There are a number of schools in NZ that are adopting the Cambridge GCSE exams over the NZ NCEA exam system. Try investigating which ones are doing this in Christchurch. , Usually it's the ones in the higher decile areas, and ones with a high expat influx.
> 
> And I know it will be hard for her initially, but she will settle in. My son was a little bit older when he came over (18) but has such a better and healthier life than in the UK, and has made soooo many new friends.


wow - that makes it much easier!!! - as long as she's doing Cambridge GCSEs in the UK & her coursework counts


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## Yvonne.72

This is a very difficult age to move kids, especially girls and I speak from experience, the older they get the harder it becomes. My advice is to let her remain if she wants to, at present she doesn't see what she has to gain from such a move - it is all loss from her point of view. 

Let her finish her exams at least then have her come over for a holiday and allow her make her own mind up. The flight crew will take good care of her on the plane.

You should also ask yourself what happens if YOU don't like living in either Christchurch, or New Zealand. How will she take to being moved again in 12-18 months from now?

I presume that is if her father is ok with letting her emigrate?


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## StrangerThanFiction

Yvonne.72 said:


> This is a very difficult age to move kids, especially girls and I speak from experience, the older they get the harder it becomes. My advice is to let her remain if she wants to, at present she doesn't see what she has to gain from such a move - it is all loss from her point of view.
> 
> Let her finish her exams at least then have her come over for a holiday and allow her make her own mind up. The flight crew will take good care of her on the plane.
> 
> You should also ask yourself what happens if YOU don't like living in either Christchurch, or New Zealand. How will she take to being moved again in 12-18 months from now?
> 
> I presume that is if her father is ok with letting her emigrate?


I very much concur with the points made and the advice given above. 

I have to say I do feel for your daughter if, as you believe, her preference would be to be with you over her father, as your impending move to such a far distant country will likely be making her feel extremely torn, especially if she is also very close to her only sibling and to her boyfriend: she will not only have to leave them AND all of her friends behind (an already particularly heartwrenching situation for a teenage girl - believe me I know!) but will, on top of that, have to face all alone ('Mum' doesn't count here), and in a completely foreign country too, a teenager's worst nightmare: new high school! 

What a choice for a teenager to have to make halfway through the high school years:

A) Mum
B) absolutely everything else in the world that means anything to me


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## bythesea

Thanks for all your advice it has really helped me to see things from her point of view, I had already but didn't want to admit it to myself!

I will have the important talk with her sometime soon, as it's important for her to think she has a choice and I will listen to her. However, the opportunity is too great to give it up if it comes off.

Thanks again

Jo xx


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## topcat83

bythesea said:


> Thanks for all your advice it has really helped me to see things from her point of view, I had already but didn't want to admit it to myself!
> 
> I will have the important talk with her sometime soon, as it's important for her to think she has a choice and I will listen to her. However, the opportunity is too great to give it up if it comes off.
> 
> Thanks again
> 
> Jo xx


If it helps, my youngest was 17 when we emigrated. He stayed behind with his Dad for a year to get things finished off, then joined us. This was a really good compromise, as he felt he was moving in his own time.

He's 22 now, and absolutely loves the life. He lives in Central Auckland but is doing outdoor activities (usually in the sea or deepest countryside) at every opportunity - and this is after a 'typical' London suburbs upbringing.


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## Yvonne.72

bythesea said:


> Thanks for all your advice it has really helped me to see things from her point of view, I had already but didn't want to admit it to myself!
> 
> I will have the important talk with her sometime soon, as it's important for her to think she has a choice and I will listen to her. However, the opportunity is too great to give it up if it comes off.
> 
> Thanks again
> 
> Jo xx


That sounds very sensible, it has to be a deicision she makes for herself.

So what's the big opportunity that's presented itself to you? sounds very interesting.


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## wammers

bythesea said:


> All being well I will be moving out to NZ Christchurch with my partner and 15 year old daughter, shes not keen as she will be leaving her dad, step sister and boyfriend. Has anyone else taken their teenager to NZ, if so did they settle quickly, make new friends enjoyed high school, I know it will be such a culture shock for her, or will it??
> 
> Any advice, or sharing of your experience in a similar situated I would be pleased to hear from you. xx


Hi 

We came over last August with a 16yr old daughter who left behind her elder brother, boyfriend and many friends and as much as she was a bit anxious she was happy to come just for the experience. There have been many ups and downs for her and it has been more difficult for her to settle, but with the internet, she has been able to stay in contact with her friends back in the UK. 
I have just shown her this thread and asked for her opinion as to what you should do. Sarah feels that she should would be missing out on a great opportunity if she doesnt come. 

Hope that helps your dilemma.

Mandy xx


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## alansheffield

bythesea said:


> All being well I will be moving out to NZ Christchurch with my partner and 15 year old daughter, shes not keen as she will be leaving her dad, step sister and boyfriend. Has anyone else taken their teenager to NZ, if so did they settle quickly, make new friends enjoyed high school, I know it will be such a culture shock for her, or will it??
> 
> Any advice, or sharing of your experience in a similar situated I would be pleased to hear from you. xx


It is a tough one - I have my 16 year old granddaughter with me - she was Ok with coming - and is coping - but it is not easy. She had a boyfriend - and skype was helpful but keeping a relationship going from such a distance is very tough - and if there are problems with it very difficult to resolve. Timing is important - we arrived in October and she has been out of school since June (after finishing GCSE) - she starts school next week - the last three months have been tough for her - it has been hard for her to meet new people - and having to spend lots of time with us (and we are not that much fun as adults). People we have meet have tried to help - and things are OK - she has a couple of local friends now and school we hope will make a difference. She is doing A level's - so her english education continues - gives her more choices when she is 18 (stay here or go back to UK)


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## Sarahben8

bythesea said:


> All being well I will be moving out to NZ Christchurch with my partner and 15 year old daughter, shes not keen as she will be leaving her dad, step sister and boyfriend. Has anyone else taken their teenager to NZ, if so did they settle quickly, make new friends enjoyed high school, I know it will be such a culture shock for her, or will it??
> 
> Any advice, or sharing of your experience in a similar situated I would be pleased to hear from you. xx


hi there
THought I would fill you in on my experiences. I came here with my son (then age 13 ) and initially left my 17 yr old daughter and husband to follow. My son loves it here and would not go back, but my daughter did not want to come. We had a lot of problems which ended up with her staying in a homeless hostel in uk when the house was sold and my husband came over, but this hasnt worked out and she is joining us next week to do a course at the local polytechnic. She wanted to stay with her friends. I think at 15 you will be ok as she will make friends at school (as my son has) and adapt. I guess it depends on her
normal characteristics. Be prepared for stress to start with but once she settles at school and gets a social life, it will get better. Good luck


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## ninjacat1

*How will my teenager cope?*



bythesea said:


> All being well I will be moving out to NZ Christchurch with my partner and 15 year old daughter, shes not keen as she will be leaving her dad, step sister and boyfriend. Has anyone else taken their teenager to NZ, if so did they settle quickly, make new friends enjoyed high school, I know it will be such a culture shock for her, or will it??
> 
> Any advice, or sharing of your experience in a similar situated I would be pleased to hear from you. xx


Hi I am in the same position as yourself, my daughter knows she is coming with us,but she says she will return to uk when she has finished her education in NZ. I am hoping that once we get there and she has made new friends and hopefully enjoy nz life she may change her mind. and she will also have to find the money to pay for air fare back to uk! Don't think she has thought that far ahead yet!!


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## Melody Blue

*Melody Blue*

I recently returned from a 6 week visit to my son and his family who emigrated to NewZealand three years ago. My two granddaughters aged 10 and 12 settled in very quickly and made very good friends. It is a VERY long journey though and I can understand why your daughter would feel as she does. The education system is first class, as is the health care. I heard today from a friend whose niece lives in Christ Church and was caught up in the recent earthquake - she said that the people were fantastic. Everyone chipped in - a wonderful communtiy spirit. I cannot see where you are emigrating from, but as far as life-style goes, if you are from Europe or America there shouldn't been any form of culture shock! There is the feel of old style English/Scottish values and behviour patterns - in my opinion pretty relaxed and laid back! Whether it be from the Maori or the European point of view, the country is neighbourly laid back, safe, friendly, beautiful, supportive, and welcoming. There are plenty of public facilities for children and teenagers to enjoy a healthy life style. All the best. 



bythesea said:


> All being well I will be moving out to NZ Christchurch with my partner and 15 year old daughter, shes not keen as she will be leaving her dad, step sister and boyfriend. Has anyone else taken their teenager to NZ, if so did they settle quickly, make new friends enjoyed high school, I know it will be such a culture shock for her, or will it??
> 
> Any advice, or sharing of your experience in a similar situated I would be pleased to hear from you. xx


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