# teens & almost teens in Spain



## xabiaxica (Jun 23, 2009)

what is normal behaviour for a teen in Spain?

I know some go to botellones, get pi$$ed & have their stomachs pumped and some don't

I know some hang around street corners smoking dope & some don't

I know some get into trouble & get brought home by the police & some don't

I know some kids compete to fail as many subjects as possible & some don't


my 14 year old is in the 'don't' category


but is she the odd one out?


having a chat with some people yesterday it seems that they think the majority of teens & almost teens are in the 'do' category - I'm not just talking Brit teens in Spain - all nationalities

it doesn't seem odd to them that an almost teen would spend their free time in bars with a group of 'kids' up to 14 years older - & yes, the older ones are smoking dope, drinking & getting into trouble with the police

is my dd weird - or am I weird for being horrified at the idea that it's normal for a not-quite teen to be hanging around in bars with 25+ year olds - or that there's something not right about a 25+ year old even wanting to hang around with a not-yet-teen??


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## nigele2 (Dec 25, 2009)

No she's not the odd one out 

People talk about sensationalist things. A daughter studying hard, not puffing wacky bakkie, and not jumping into bed with anyone with a car is not very interesting 

But there is a problem I think for teens who keep reading about mass unemployment for 16 to 24 years olds and not much better for the rest. What is the motivation?? I'd have lost mine for sure if this was my time.

But you will go through hell for the next 10 years at least and then you will see a useful member of society walking tall and you will be very proud. And despite grey hair, shot nerves, your need for wakkie bakkie, and a dodgy ticker it will all seem somehow worthwhile And then you can start to worry about the nietos

Now 25 years olds hanging around teens is worrying but in spain in general I think you do get more of a mix of ages communicating.


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## xabiaxica (Jun 23, 2009)

nigele2 said:


> No she's not the odd one out
> 
> People talk about sensationalist things. A daughter studying hard, not puffing wacky bakkie, and not jumping into bed with anyone with a car is not very interesting
> 
> ...


thanks nigele2

I'm not exactly worried about my dd - rather glad that so far she is motivated to get to uni & is aiming high 

I already have grey hair, shot nerves & some wakkie bakkie would go down well sometimes too - I don't need the added aggro of 2 teenage daughters going off the rails

what concerned me was that I was asked for advice by someone who is worried about their pre-teen son 

if my kids were doing what he does they'd be grounded until they were finished at uni (at least!!) - but they didn't see anything strange about his behaviour in his free time - just were worried that he is failing in school & not trying to improve

they didn't seem to see the link between hanging around in bars with a 'bad crowd' & what happens at school


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## nigele2 (Dec 25, 2009)

xabiachica said:


> thanks nigele2
> 
> I'm not exactly worried about my dd - rather glad that so far she is motivated to get to uni & is aiming high
> 
> ...


The laid back, they'll find there own way, approach. On the one hand you don't want to over protect but there are many dangers. I must admit I was in bars from 16, I smoked wakey bakkie, and did other things that I'd rather not mention on a forum. And yes it derailed my studies. But equally smoking with a dutch school teacher in the Marquee listening to Atomic Rooster - I wouldn't swap that for the world. I guess it is a fine line and the penaties for crossing are quite extreme. Jimmi Hendrix died, Eric Clapton is successful nice guy. Luck of the draw I guess. (Not inferring you daughters or anyone should do what they did of course).

On the otherhand I feel my step daughter has been too protected and goes the other way.

What can one do? Prey, watch, care, love, be strict, be flexible, smile (while inside you boil), worry, panic, be cool, be hip, ............

Really I'm being no use to noone . Back to work for me. Enjoy your day


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## lynn (Sep 25, 2008)

Its interesting that my 16 year old son was looking over my shoulder reading this thread. His perception and that of his friends at his school is that many Spanish teens are really naughty! And there's me thinking I'm protecting mine by moving them to Spain and getting them away from the yob culture in the UK! The point is, it exists everywhere now, and the best influence is parents and piergroup. I think its important to set boundaries of acceptable behaviour, and back it up with reasoned arguements of why those boundaries are where they are.


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## Pesky Wesky (May 10, 2009)

I think many teens have isues here, as they do everywhere! Where I am (large town 30kms outside of Madrid, large immigrant community of South Americans and also North Africans and Romanians and a few other nationalities like me) the main problems seem to be in failing or not doing well at school. I think a large amount of teens smoke and drink regularly, but not necessarily in huge quantities. About drugs I really don’t know, but from what I glean from others marijuana/ hash is probably readily available but I don’t know anything about other drugs. I’m sure there are racism and bullying issues too at times, but I only here about these issues very, very occasionally.

When these kind of things come up in tv series I often ask my daughter if she knows any one like this or has had XXX problem and she tells me that in her school this kind of thing just doesn’t happen. 

The only thing that I can see as a tangible reality is failing at school (fracaso escolar in Spanish) and that’s probably related in some cases to drugs, racism or whatever, but I agree with nigele2 that some of it is just due to the times we live in. I know of about 7 children who failed/ are failing miserably in secondary school, but not because there’s any intellectual problem. They just didn’t/ don't study. This has involved laziness, lack of motivation, lying, broken promises, punishments etc etc. 

I do wonder if it’s more of a boy thing than girls. Most of the cases I know of are boys and I think Spaniards are still into protecting the girls and letting the macho boys go out and have a good time(???)

Also IMHO I think many families are just not on top of their kids and what’s happening in their lives. Sometimes parents are just not around when their children are supposed to be studying because they are working (Spanish timetables) and they can’t lay the law down. And sometimes it’s because, I don’t know how, but some children in Spain have reached a special category of superiority in their families and they can do what they like, when they like and their parents will also give them all the money they need to do it!!


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## xabiaxica (Jun 23, 2009)

Pesky Wesky said:


> I think many teens have isues here, as they do everywhere! Where I am (large town 30kms outside of Madrid, large immigrant community of South Americans and also North Africans and Romanians and a few other nationalities like me) the main problems seem to be in failing or not doing well at school. I think a large amount of teens smoke and drink regularly, but not necessarily in huge quantities. About drugs I really don’t know, but from what I glean from others marijuana/ hash is probably readily available but I don’t know anything about other drugs. I’m sure there are racism and bullying issues too at times, but I only here about these issues very, very occasionally.
> 
> When these kind of things come up in tv series I often ask my daughter if she knows any one like this or has had XXX problem and she tells me that in her school this kind of thing just doesn’t happen.
> 
> ...


I asked my dd if she knew many kids who are drinking, smoking dope, having sex etc - & yes she does know some - they're just not the kids she chooses to associate with

I wouldn't worry too much if she occasionally had a drink - tried smoking - ciggies or hash (NEVER tell her I said that)

I think it's normal to be curious & try these things out

don't want her having sex yet though

I just don't think it's normal to be doing these things all the time at the age of 12 or so, to the extent that you miss school because of a hangover - or just think it's cool to fail at school 

& I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way

there are kids at my dd's school who have got pregnant very young, had their stomach's pumped, fail everything, bully or get bullied, take drugs etc.

there are also those who do very well, study hard & will go on to do great things

and also the majority ( I think) somewhere in the middle

in other words it's a normal school like any secondary school anywhere in the world


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## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

lynn said:


> Its interesting that my 16 year old son was looking over my shoulder reading this thread. His perception and that of his friends at his school is that many Spanish teens are really naughty! And there's me thinking I'm protecting mine by moving them to Spain and getting them away from the yob culture in the UK! The point is, it exists everywhere now, and the best influence is parents and piergroup. I think its important to set boundaries of acceptable behaviour, and back it up with reasoned arguements of why those boundaries are where they are.



I agree with that!! Whenever I say to my kids that its better, safer, no chavs, yobs etc in Spain, they both tell me that Spanish teenagers are just as bad and there are now loads of bilingual british teenagers who are pretty unpleasant too.

As for my two, well at home my son is affectionately referred to as "the geek" cos he's well behaved and keeps himself to himself, my daughter would love to be out there causing trouble and doing things she shouldnt. But so far, I'm still "the mummy" and in charge, so she does as she's told (HAH). Having found a packet of cigarettes in her room this weekend and dying her hair black/blue behind my back, we're having a lot of "discussions" about decent behaviour, future prospects, morals......

Jo xxx


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## Pesky Wesky (May 10, 2009)

xabiachica said:


> I wouldn't worry too much if she occasionally had a drink - tried smoking - ciggies or hash (NEVER tell her I said that)
> 
> I think it's normal to be curious & try these things out
> 
> ...


Yes, just like to clarify what I said earlier when I ask my daughter about what happens at her school. Of course the usual smoking, drinking, wackie baccy smokers, but not the more outrageous behaviour of sex in the toilets, beating kids up etc etc, although there have been a few cases of this, IMO stronger behaviour, in the other secondary school literally 5 mins away on foot!!

I too would be quite happy, well would tolerate a bit of "I'm being curious behaviour" and think that there's a world of difference between trying stuff out and doing stuff on a regular basis, and a lot of times that's the difference between maturity and stupidity, self confidence and following the crowd and some kids have got it, for what ever reason, and some haven't


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## fourgotospain (May 4, 2009)

I grew up in Brighton, where from 13/14 I was commonly offered drugs in pubs (no id required in those days ) Twenty five years ago it was a very cosmopolitan area compared to much of the UK with many ethnic minorities, openly gay men kissing in the street, streetwalkers outside the clubs etc, so I am now fairly unshockable. I remember sitting in a squat with some stoned 'friends' of schoolmate thinking how hideous it was, how I would hate to live there, and most of all how dissapointed my mother would be!!!! 
Kids misbehaving is as old as time - all you can do is what's said above; be there for them, make your views plain, try and be firm and hope like hell!!

Here in Spain I have already seen a more relaxed attitiude to knowing where your kids are, and I am better friends with the families who think that 10yrs old is too young to be out all day on your bike cruising the neighbourhood. Then again, a lot of the pre-teen kids I know here seem far more child-like and immature than those back in the Uk - maybe that is what causes the problem??? Who knows??!!


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## xabiaxica (Jun 23, 2009)

a 13 year old got drunk at dd1's school Friday - during patio!! (30 min break!)

the booze was given to her by another 13 year old

I have to say this isn't normal behaviour IN school

but knowing the kids involved - it IS normal behaviour for them both OUTSIDE school


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## mrypg9 (Apr 26, 2008)

I was extremely strict with my son until he left home to go to Uni. My house, my rules.
I reckoned that up to that age people would blame me for any atrocities he committed so I took all necessary steps to avoid them.
Of course after the age of sixteen when he got his first motorbike he had more freedom but I made clear what was and was not expected. 
Yes, he did things behind my back, drank etc. but he managed to get to adulthood without any problems for me or him.
Friends used to say that he would raise two fingers to me and disappear as soon as he could be independent.
Nothing could be further from the truth....in fact, I see rather a lot of him here. He is married, has a successful career and although still sixteen in many ways is sensible and stable.
I think that young people today more than ever need parents who represent stability and authority, parents they can respect, trust and rely on. The world they are growing up in is crazy, unpredictable with very dodgy values. In comparison, my materially less privileged childhood was sheer bliss. I feel sorry for them. Life is not easy.
Rules should be few, simple, self-explanatory and in nearly every case should not be waived or become negotiable.
I believe that there are no 'bad' children - just neglectful, stupid, selfish parents.


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## Antalucia (May 28, 2009)

Living in Spain you tend to see things slightly differently from when you spend a week or two on holiday soaking up the sun. Like one of the contributors above I was also born/raised in Brighton - (later central London then SanFrancisco) so deeing drugs being sold on the street, lewd behaviour etc. brings back childhood memories! 

However, what goes on in some of the areas of Spain which are not home to the better educated Spanish is pretty bad. I have a number of south American friends some with children and many cannot believe the behaviour of the Spanish and how the parents don't seem to care. Typically the most focused and better mannered children are those of expats (English, Danish, German, Austrian and south Americans) who have generally moderately successful/professional parents who have moved to Spain.


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## Pesky Wesky (May 10, 2009)

xabiachica said:


> a 13 year old got drunk at dd1's school Friday - during patio!! (30 min break!)
> 
> the booze was given to her by another 13 year old
> 
> ...


:jaw:Wow! That's pretty wild, isn't it!!??!!:jaw:

Antalucia: My daughter has quite a few South American friends and in SOME ways the parents are very strict with them. Stricter than the Spanish friends she has.


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## xabiaxica (Jun 23, 2009)

Antalucia said:


> Living in Spain you tend to see things slightly differently from when you spend a week or two on holiday soaking up the sun. Like one of the contributors above I was also born/raised in Brighton - (later central London then SanFrancisco) so deeing drugs being sold on the street, lewd behaviour etc. brings back childhood memories!
> 
> However, what goes on in some of the areas of Spain which are not home to the better educated Spanish is pretty bad. I have a number of south American friends some with children and many cannot believe the behaviour of the Spanish and how the parents don't seem to care. Typically the most focused and better mannered children are those of expats (English, Danish, German, Austrian and south Americans) who have generally moderately successful/professional parents who have moved to Spain.


unfortunately both these two are English


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## xabiaxica (Jun 23, 2009)

Pesky Wesky said:


> :jaw:Wow! That's pretty wild, isn't it!!??!!:jaw:
> 
> Antalucia: My daughter has quite a few South American friends and in SOME ways the parents are very strict with them. Stricter than the Spanish friends she has.


it is pretty scary isn't it

we have quite a few South Americans here too - & I agree, their parents do seem to be stricter than any others


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## thrax (Nov 13, 2008)

Every now and then the issue of badly behaved teens is raised on BBC breakfast news, and the reporting always follows the line that this is the first time its every been reported, shock horror. Fact is that bad behaviour from teens has been around for a very long time - remember the song "I'm not a juvenile delinquent" by Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers, written in 1957 and was a parody of how adults saw teenagers. We had Mods and Rockers and Beatniks and later Punks all of whom had one thing in mind which was to test boundaries etc. My two 'adult' daughters, nearly 22 and 24 behave like I did when I was 16 (I still do I have to confess) and have had their fair share of troubles, not always their fault but mostly it was. It is part of growing up and how parents deal with it tends to be the biggest part in how they finally turn out.

In Britain we have a lot of teens who are being raised by parents who were pretty bad themselves so they don't necessarily discipline and lay down boundaries as perhaps they should. I'm not generalising since that clearly is not always the case. But why should Spain or any other country be any different? You can go to parts of the USA where the kids are super polite and other areas where you probably won't stand much chance of leaving alive.

All we can do as responsible parents (and although I'd love to think I am one, I can't be certain) is care for them when they are young and then teach and care for them as much as we can when they get a bit older (from say 12 months!!!) (and yes of course I know we are teaching them from the moment they are born, I'm talking moral standards here) but always knowing that what we tell them is just a reflection of who we already are. I'm rambling. I'll shut up now...


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## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

thrax said:


> Every now and then the issue of badly behaved teens is raised on BBC breakfast news, and the reporting always follows the line that this is the first time its every been reported, shock horror. Fact is that bad behaviour from teens has been around for a very long time - remember the song "I'm not a juvenile delinquent" by Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers, written in 1957 and was a parody of how adults saw teenagers. We had Mods and Rockers and Beatniks and later Punks all of whom had one thing in mind which was to test boundaries etc. My two 'adult' daughters, nearly 22 and 24 behave like I did when I was 16 (I still do I have to confess) and have had their fair share of troubles, not always their fault but mostly it was. It is part of growing up and how parents deal with it tends to be the biggest part in how they finally turn out.
> 
> In Britain we have a lot of teens who are being raised by parents who were pretty bad themselves so they don't necessarily discipline and lay down boundaries as perhaps they should. I'm not generalising since that clearly is not always the case. But why should Spain or any other country be any different? You can go to parts of the USA where the kids are super polite and other areas where you probably won't stand much chance of leaving alive.
> 
> All we can do as responsible parents (and although I'd love to think I am one, I can't be certain) is care for them when they are young and then teach and care for them as much as we can when they get a bit older (from say 12 months!!!) (and yes of course I know we are teaching them from the moment they are born, I'm talking moral standards here) but always knowing that what we tell them is just a reflection of who we already are. I'm rambling. I'll shut up now...



"dont do as I did, do as I say!" is what I say to my little cherubs who, as I have five of them are all at various stages and causing differing degrees of worry!!!! It would be nice if they would learn from mine or even each others mistakes wouldnt it!!!

Jo xxx


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## thrax (Nov 13, 2008)

There is a phrase I used to love when trying to convince my parents that studying history was a waste of my time at school: All we ever learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. Same could I apply to our kids: all we ever learn from our mistakes is that we never learn from our mistakes.

This is my 200th post. There, I need to get out more (sorry JoJo I know you have the record of posting - don't know how you manage it....)


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## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

thrax said:


> This is my 200th post. There, I need to get out more (sorry JoJo I know you have the record of posting - don't know how you manage it....)



Congratulations Thrax, yes, I need to get out more obviously. Altho for the time being, I'm pinned to the house! I even have a cleaner now!!!!!!! My husband decided that due to my incapacity and my very lazy children, we should get someone in to help - its her first morning and so far so good. a lovely german lady hoovering away!!

Jo xxx


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## mrypg9 (Apr 26, 2008)

thrax said:


> .
> 
> All we can do as responsible parents (and although I'd love to think I am one, I can't be certain) is care for them when they are young and then teach and care for them as much as we can when they get a bit older (from say 12 months!!!) (and yes of course I know we are teaching them from the moment they are born, I'm talking moral standards here) but always knowing that what we tell them is just a reflection of who we already are. I'm rambling. I'll shut up now...



No, you're not rambling. Just talking sense and drawing attention to something all parents should do but a hell of a lot don't.
Agree with Jo....children are NOT adults and have no 'right' to copy adult behaviour.
Adults have responsibilities of a kind way beyond what children should have to bear but which, sadly, many do because of the inadequacies of their parents.


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## thrax (Nov 13, 2008)

OMG I think that might count as a compliment. I know it's early but I may have to pour a small brandy to calm down. Oh, no I won't I finished it last night....


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## mrypg9 (Apr 26, 2008)

thrax said:


> OMG I think that might count as a compliment. I know it's early but I may have to pour a small brandy to calm down. Oh, no I won't I finished it last night....


Adults are like children...we deserve compliments when we are good.
But you were very naughty guzzling all that brandy so it may not be deserved after all...


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