# Things aren't working out too well



## sj` (Aug 26, 2014)

Hey there,

I just joined this wonderful place. 

I"ll try to keep this short. I met my wonderful wife in Ireland. I'm from there and she was studying there for a year. We hit it off and she had to move back to America. I chose to follow my love, which was easy to do because the company I worked for wanted me to come work for them in America. 

It has been 3.5 years, and I've been back once - last Christmas.

Things are going great professionally. I initially moved to New Hampshire, but just moved to North Carolina to be closer to my wife's family who live in Tennessee.

I'm still with the same company - I just got a better job with them.

Anyway, my wife brings up moving back to Europe every week. She's really depressed here - she hates America. She fell in love with Europe when she was there. 

I'm not sure what to do to be honest. I'm not 100% happy here, but at the same time I'm not sure I want to move back to Ireland.

I guess I'm just getting this off my chest but also asking if anyone has been in a similar boat? 

I'm not asking you to solve my problems. Before we finalize anything I would rather give it another year or two, and we should try a holiday to Europe to see if that helps my wife get over this.

Thanks for listening. 

lane:


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## EVHB (Feb 11, 2008)

Not a nice situation, I can imagine that it's difficult...

Can you get nice jobs in Ireland? As based on what I've heard, things aren't that fantastic there.

Do you know what exactly it is that she loves in Europe?


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## BBCWatcher (Dec 28, 2012)

sj` said:


> ...but just moved to North Carolina to be closer to my wife's family who live in Tennessee.


Well, that's closer, but by European standards (at least) probably not so close.

How about next door or down the street?



> Anyway, my wife brings up moving back to Europe every week. She's really depressed here - she hates America.


All of it? It's a big, diverse place. Does she hate her family? 



> She fell in love with Europe when she was there.


Europe is a big place, too. She likes the part(s) she saw. Would you and she like to move back to any of those parts?

I realize "Europe" and "America" are shorthand, but it's important you and she realize that, too. That was one of the first myths I had about "Asia" that was rapidly dispelled: the variations in cultures, living conditions, etc., etc. within "Asia" are _enormous_. Once you get to a big enough slice of the planet you can find pretty much any combination of circumstances you want.


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## sj` (Aug 26, 2014)

EVHB said:


> Not a nice situation, I can imagine that it's difficult...
> 
> Can you get nice jobs in Ireland? As based on what I've heard, things aren't that fantastic there.
> 
> Do you know what exactly it is that she loves in Europe?


I left a job that was paying me 6 figures in Ireland to move to the USA, I've only recently started making that again. If I was to move back to Ireland there's no way I'd secure a job that paid as well, and there's so many down sides too. It's more expensive, weather sucks, big drinking culture, health care is awful (a friend of mine was left on a trolley in limerick hospital for 2 days. Not even put in a room, he was on a trolley in the corridor. He died of a heart attack in there). 

She loved it though, so it's tough. Both Ari and I have been all over Europe. I've been in practically every country, and she toured Ireland, UK, France, Spain, Germany. 

She just loves the people in Ireland and the UK, and the weather (which is mad cause of the rain), and just about everything there really.


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## mamasue (Oct 7, 2008)

sj, welcome to the forum.
As you're married to a US citizen, I'm guessing you're a. LPR, ( green card holder.)
My first thought would be to stay in the US until you qualify for citizenship.
That way, you're not seen as abandoning your LPR status, and, if Europe doesn't work out, you can always come back to the US. 
Also.... living in a country is often totally different to vacationing there.


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

Agree with mamasue here. One step at a time. Take your US citizenship first so that your status is assured. 

Then, you need to explore in detail what you can expect if you were to return to Ireland or elsewhere in Europe. You've already mentioned that you'd be looking at a significant cut in pay to go back to Ireland. How about your wife? What are her job prospects in Ireland, or elsewhere in Europe? Not all jobs transfer across the Pond, even without a language difference and the job climate in much of Europe is not particularly good just now.

Take your time doing some serious research, but try to make a series of visits back to the Old Country where you can take a long, hard look at what your prospects would be there. Check out things like housing (costs and availability), jobs and pay levels, and how making a big move like that would affect your retirement funds and entitlements to things like health insurance, etc.
Cheers,
Bev


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## twostep (Apr 3, 2008)

Set priorities. Allow her input. Agree on a to-do list and stick to it.
#1 - your US citizenship. It simply makes life easier in the long run.

What is she in love with in Europe? Specifics! It is so easy to go culture, people, way of life when you do not have to deal with day to day issues from catching a bus in the rain to finding a plumber on Sunday. Touring a country does not give you a clue:>)

What does she hate about the US? Again - specifics not some wishy washy.

What does she do? Work? What does she do for fun? What do you do for fun? How much time do you spend together?

What is her/your relationship with her family with your family?


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## sj` (Aug 26, 2014)

Thanks for the suggestions folks. I'll secure citizenship first, then we'll see where we are at that point and ponder what we want to do. Until then, we'll vacation in Europe and hopefully that will get us by until we're in a better position to make our minds up.


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## twostep (Apr 3, 2008)

sj` said:


> Thanks for the suggestions folks. I'll secure citizenship first, then we'll see where we are at that point and ponder what we want to do. Until then, we'll vacation in Europe and hopefully that will get us by until we're in a better position to make our minds up.


Do not let her stew on things such as memories. They will get better and better. Keep her busy, very busy.


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## Maryam_124 (Aug 30, 2014)

Things can get a little difficult if you move to another country. If you aren't happy, just move back and try to find jobs


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## Meritorious-MasoMenos (Apr 17, 2014)

sj` said:


> Thanks for the suggestions folks. I'll secure citizenship first, then we'll see where we are at that point and ponder what we want to do. Until then, we'll vacation in Europe and hopefully that will get us by until we're in a better position to make our minds up.


Hey, sj, I agree that you should secure US citizenship first, but then, show her all of the reports on Irish citizens forced to seek their futures abroad since the last financial crisis and even, suggest that if she can secure gainful employment that would pay for you both in Europe, you would be content to be a supportive, stay-at-home hubby, doing the dishes, etc.


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## BBCWatcher (Dec 28, 2012)

Although not entirely directly comparable, for reference Ireland's official unemployment rate is 11.5% (July, 2014). The U.S. unemployment rate is 6.2%. North Dakota's is 2.8%. Most importantly, being currently fully employed means your personal unemployment rate is zero.

Ireland is not a wildly prosperous place right now in employment terms at least, and the economic headwinds in Europe are at least as strong as ever. The Eurozone has a serious case of disinflation bordering on deflation, some governments -- notably France's most recently -- still think austerity is the answer, and Russia isn't buying much from Europe and will likely buy even less, to pick some examples.

Ireland is quite lovely in many ways, but its current labor demand (from the employee perspective) isn't one of them.


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## Aloysius_ (Apr 11, 2013)

sj` said:


> ...I initially moved to New Hampshire, but just moved to North Carolina to be closer to my wife's family who live in Tennessee.
> 
> I'm still with the same company - I just got a better job with them.
> 
> ...


It could be where you're living. I don't know what part of Europe your wife fell in love with, but certain parts of the U.S. are very un-Europe-like. The culture, the food, the people, can all be very off-putting to some. I wouldn't live in places like the southeast where you've located, for example. The culture (NASCAR, churches, guns, pickup trucks, country "music") is just completely unappealing. I recognize there are pockets of better places, especially among the "Yankee expat community" in North Carolina, but the general culture in that part of the U.S. is something I couldn't stand. Is a similar feeling about the area bothering your wife?

Perhaps other areas would be more Europe-like, with better food, mass transit, urban-oriented life? I've heard Portland, Oregon described as one of the more European of American cities, though the economy there is a bit tough unless you work in certain fields.

I guess, speaking as a husband of more than 30 years, I would try to understand better what it is your wife misses and have a serious discussion with her about implications for the both of you. In the end, I would value my marriage and my wife's happiness over my career, but that's a choice you'll need to make for yourself.


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## lovestravel (Apr 9, 2012)

We are in the process of moving back to the USA from the uk and are not happy about it at all. We are both USA citizens and couldn't quite work it out to stay. We are trying to find a place to live that gives us a similar lifestyle to what we have now but are coming up empty handed. We are extremely happy and love everything about it here in spite of the cost of living and weather. We are looking at downtown denver for a place with seasons and plenty of outdoor activities but will miss the culture, history and people of the uk. Our goal is to find another employer that can send us back again.


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## BBCWatcher (Dec 28, 2012)

Aloysius_ said:


> I've heard Portland, Oregon described as one of the more European of American cities, though the economy there is a bit tough unless you work in certain fields.


Not as tough as most places in Europe right now. With the caveat that unemployment rates are not directly comparable, the unemployment rate in Portland, Oregon, is about 6.0% -- very slightly better than the overall U.S. rate. The rate is 11.5% in the Eurozone and 10.2% in the EU-28.


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