# Wife is ready to kill me



## jk_1337 (Oct 25, 2012)

So the wife is ready to kill me as we moved to Dubai because I hated my job and needed a change. She on the other hand loved her job and is regretting the move almost entirely because she simply cannot get a break. It's all my fault apparently! (isn't it always with women?!)

She's an accountant by profession but because employers like cheap labour from the sub continent, she's considered 'expensive' and just does not stand a chance.

Heck she's even resorted to PA/Admin roles and isn't even getting noticed.

I know it's slow for recruitment this time of year but honestly, if I have to go home to a suicidal wife with a knife in the hand, I might just book the next plane out of here!

I'd rather my crummy old job back home but a happy wife than deal with death threats every time I look at my wife.

Help?


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## QOFE (Apr 28, 2013)

oh, dear... 
Does she need to work for financial reasons? If not, this could be a good time to have some ME- time. Take courses, learn a new language? 

It is difficult for western women to get proper jobs here but has she tried recruitment agencies with western recruiters? Some websites that get recommended here are a total joke and only have job ads with tiny salaries and bluntly request certain nationalities. 

Somebody else might have some suggestions which agencies to try.

In the meanwhile- HIDE THE KNIVES!


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## pamela0810 (Apr 5, 2010)

jk_1337 said:


> So the wife is ready to kill me as we moved to Dubai because I hated my job and needed a change. She on the other hand loved her job and is regretting the move almost entirely because she simply cannot get a break. It's all my fault apparently! (isn't it always with women?!)
> 
> She's an accountant by profession but because employers like cheap labour from the sub continent, she's considered 'expensive' and just does not stand a chance.
> 
> ...


Sorry but majority of the companies here specifically request for "Western Educated" aka "White" people when it comes to managerial positions or highly skilled positions. The cheap labour, as you've put it, is usually positions such PAs, admins, data entry operators or engineers.

If it's a good company, they don't really care about race but those are mostly the multinationals who do not want to be hit with a lawsuit.

Lastly, if your wife really is that miserable, just quit and go back home or send her back and let her miss you a little bit.


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## dizzyizzy (Mar 30, 2008)

Western companies do hire western accountants, I know a few. She will have more luck with multinationals. 

Is this about the job only, or is she also not liking Dubai/UAE?


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## MikeT90 (Jul 13, 2013)

A "friend of a friend" got a PA type job through a recruitment company called Apple Selection so they might be worth a look if you havent already, they seem to be more focused on western jobs. 

Ive been in a similar (Worse really considering my edu/experience) situation, Im part qualified ACCA but employers quite openly admit that they can always get the non-whites, fully qualified with 10/15+ years experience and pay 4-5,000 Dhs a month. 
Even when I said I didn't mind the money, its the overqualified problem in some ways, after a while of working for peanuts they know that westerners will get fed up/bored/want to move on etc whereas someone working and sending that amount home to their family will love it.

The best advice Ive had is networking (As it always seems to be nowadays), applying for jobs in person rather than internet & getting in touch with HR people at the big international companies to find out about jobs rather than through websites. Basically that applying for jobs over the internet here is pretty much pointless, as Im sure she's thought after applying for a job for it to tell her that 1,000 other people applied for it!


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## ccr (Jun 20, 2010)

jk_1337 said:


> Help?


Easy way...

Get a new (young trophy) wife and stay in Dubai + "Old" wife goes back to her old job = win-win solution... 

Otherwise...

The problem is not just the cheap labor from India since our company (i.e. 120,000 employees, etc) also have non-Westerners in high financial /accounting positions.

It depends on her experience and past position. If low than you are right about the cheap labor, but if high than just need to find the right company who will hire on capabilities rather than cost.

Good luck, and I concur on hiding the knives at home since it brought back to mind the scene from the movie "Side Effects"...


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## Mr Rossi (May 16, 2009)

Cupcake business


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## saraswat (Apr 28, 2012)

Does she have any certifications ? If not then why not use the time here to take a break from working as mentioned earlier and get the certifications. From what you have mentioned, sounds like she has the educational and work background to meet the requirements, and all the relevant certifications can be achieved while here. Worth looking into... 

Also regarding the 'cheap labor' bit, as other members have mentioned, it isn't like all the sub-continental employees in the financial field are working for peanuts. The ones that are not certified, do not have the right type of work experience, or do not possess the right type of educational background, are indeed working for what is considered peanuts. Also do understand that due to conditions across the globe, more and more people from all over the place are looking to land a job in Dubai/Abu Dhabi (tax free, brunches, roads are paved with gold mentality etc etc), it is becoming increasingly competitive to work here, no matter where you are from. 

If you find me an ACCA, CIA, CFA, CPA (fully qualified, not part, or being in the process of being qualified) working for that kind of money, I'll give you a pot of gold ....


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## jk_1337 (Oct 25, 2012)

Saraswat, you can drop off my pot of gold any time! :lol:

thanks for the responses everyone.

Her problem is not so much Dubai itself (sure, plenty to hate but plenty to love, like any other city!).
It's a combination of:
- missing her old job which was great, in a great team and with great career progression
- receiving lots and lots of rejection letters
- not having a social circle (maybe we're just running into the wrong people but has been hard to socialise)

There's only so many malls to go to, so many tv shows to watch and so much housework to do. The heat doesn't help otherwise she'd be out a lot more.

People have said that recruitment will pick up soon but I might be knifed by then!!


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## Berliner (Jul 18, 2013)

Have a baby or two. That will keep her busy and off your back


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## Canuck_Sens (Nov 16, 2010)

Kindah impressed here that she has not yet carved your heart out on a spike 

Some serious compensation is in order here. How about you pony up a credit card with some unrealistic limit on her name until she gets a job and come up with a circle of friends ? 

and some affection demonstration may come in handy when you get the dead looks  from her lol


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## zed_kid (Sep 25, 2012)

Happy wife happy life mate  

Summers here are really harsh, but the weather will turn real nice real soon, so perhaps that will help


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## XDoodlebugger (Jan 24, 2012)

jk_1337 said:


> I'd rather my crummy old job back home but a happy wife than deal with death threats every time I look at my wife.


And yet you dragged her over here anyway? What did you expect?




jk_1337 said:


> Help?


Ha Ha, on your own kiddo! If I was an expert I could have stopped my ex-wife from stabbing me!  (true story)


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## volleygurl (Jul 16, 2013)

Tell her to quit her crying and learn how to enjoy life in a beautiful place and learn how to play tennis.


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## Jayrue (Nov 28, 2012)

If she's really that unhappy, jumping ship at your new job has to be an option, and she has to know you care about her enough to do it, which you obviously do. Hopefully for both your sakes she finds something she likes in Dubai soon, though.


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## Canuck_Sens (Nov 16, 2010)

Sometimes it is difficult to adjust and people should not take for granted that adaptation will naturally occur as a given outcome.

The UAE has been scene for breakups and end of marriages. This is not the first time I see that happening (lived in other places and the same applies) and I am not saying that this is the outcome for this one.

Having said that, I think you should not ignore your wife feelings (I am sure you are not). Help her in the transition.


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## pamela0810 (Apr 5, 2010)

Shouldn't "for better or worse" apply here? Maybe it's time to renew your vows.


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## mehranR (Jul 27, 2013)

So you hated your job and you wanted a change, and your wife loved her job and you took it away from her. You guys will need to sort it out between the two of you and hopefully without knives. 
I'll just tell u this: happy wife = happy life
If financially she can stay at home and take care of kids that would be one thing. Learning a new language, new hobbies, playing sports are things you may want to lok at. Get her out of the environment that she hates, the longer she stays there the worse it will get.
Or just move back and have her get back t the job she loved and then you could be the unhappy one. 
as far as I know: unhappy husband= no one cares
Good luck


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## WeeWhiteWabbit (Sep 7, 2013)

You removed her a major part of her identity and self esteem. My husband killed my career in order to move to the middle east. i may never be able to work in my chosen profession again so my sympathies are with your wife. i had exactly the same thing - too expensive as not quite ready for management roles. However she needs to mourn her loses and take what opportunities are available. she could take this time to expand on her skills and get the next level in education or find voluntary opportunities that might interest her. time to crack out the old skills, dust of the personality tests and update the linked in profile. much of the job hunt is speaking to people in related professions. they may just need someone to do something related.

'staying at home and raising the kids' or becoming part of the 'ladies who lunch' is not for everyone and not hugely stimulating for a previous professional. your wife will need something to get up in the morning for and to feel value in her own right.


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## sammylou (Oct 29, 2012)

WeeWhiteWabbit said:


> You removed her a major part of her identity and self esteem. My husband killed my career in order to move to the middle east. i may never be able to work in my chosen profession again so my sympathies are with your wife. i had exactly the same thing - too expensive as not quite ready for management roles. However she needs to mourn her loses and take what opportunities are available. she could take this time to expand on her skills and get the next level in education or find voluntary opportunities that might interest her. time to crack out the old skills, dust of the personality tests and update the linked in profile. much of the job hunt is speaking to people in related professions. they may just need someone to do something related.
> 
> 'staying at home and raising the kids' or becoming part of the 'ladies who lunch' is not for everyone and not hugely stimulating for a previous professional. your wife will need something to get up in the morning for and to feel value in her own right.


i agree with much of what you've said but i do kinda take exception to purely blaming your husband for "killing your career". obviously i don't know the circumstances but unless he "owns" you, didn't you have to agree to giving up your job to come here?? would you not, together, have decided what was best for you as a whole? even if it meant a sacrifice on your part it is something you would have agreed to. and making a sacrifice doesn't mean you get to threaten your husband with death or lord it over him every day about how miserable you are or blame him for removing part of your identity.

to me, it doesn't sound like the OP's wife has actually given it a good shot or enough time. yes, she is entitled to a "mourning" period. but the longer she takes to do that, the more life is passing her by and the more damaging it is to their relationship. and yes, work/career can be a huge part of one's identity but it shouldn't be the only thing. i don't even think it should be the biggest thing. if work is what defines you then when are you taking time to develop a personality? relationships? embracing life?

we came because my husband had a great opportunity. i was running my own business, very successfully and it's not really something i can do over here either. but we discussed it and decided as a team to give this a try. we looked at all the pros and cons and decided it was worth it for me to give up my career. i accepted the role of homemaker and decided to treat the entire first year as a sabbatical before i even think about what i might want to do for work. that has allowed me the freedom to not feel my self worth is tied simply to my career. i've been indulging in sports + hobbies, moderating on here to help others, making friends, keeping in touch back home, setting us up here with banking, id's etc and decorating our new home. i am a very busy woman! these are all things i am enjoying and they are making us new friends and we haven't even scratched the surface in terms of all the opportunities to have fun here. and yeah, i can go for lunch any day i like but i definitely wouldn't put myself in the category of "ladies who lunch" just because i'm not employed. it's not like are two camps for women divided by the working and the not. i am my own category. my life is what me and my husband are making of it. i miss my job a lot sometimes, but i don't blame anyone for that.

so i guess much of what i've said, while in response to your post, is really also meant for the OP. without knowing circumstances, it does seem to me that she is not being fair. and basically saying that it's fine if he is miserable but not acceptable if she is. i think if the OP loves his new job then she should be doing more to not be miserable. cos her misery is now just making them both feel sh***y. and just by virtue of the fact that he is on here, seeking support and solutions to help his wife means he cares a great deal about her happiness. she needs to recognize that too.

i know it's hahaha funny to pull out the old happy wife = happy life. but don't we get married to build a life with a partner? a friend? someone you can grow with? aren't we, as women, constantly going on about equality?

saying that her happiness is more important than his is bullish*t. not to mention a kick in the face of feminism. you wanna be happy with and identified by your career? great! good on ya! you want to make a choice that you later regret and then blame it on your husband for "making you do it?" uh-uh. can't have it both ways! are you an independent woman who has an equal share and partnership in her marriage or not? cos if you do, you should own your choices. like a boss.


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## ccr (Jun 20, 2010)

mehranR said:


> as far as I know: unhappy husband= no one cares


Amen!

And you know why no on cares ? because we march on, don't moan and whine and don't withhold "privileges"...


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## WeeWhiteWabbit (Sep 7, 2013)

No you don't know the circumstances. And yes he killed my career. I cannot work in my profession because I worked in a location where it didn't exist and there were no alternatives. To start again I can only go back to the UK and work for two years before I return to the ME. there was no discussion it was move or else. I chose my husband but that's not to say I don't miss my career. But as I have discovered my career was far more important to my identity than I acknowledged. Haven spoken to other people in similar positions, they oft feel the same mourning and to neglect that leads to a very sour relationship. What's done is done but if one person puts themselves ahead in the relationship, there will be blow back. Criticising one person in the relationship for wanting exactly what the other wants is duplicitous. I will add that a lot of promises are often made to spouses about what is available and how much more time will be spent together etc with the new job and that rarely happens. Friends have become embittered by those broken promises. Expectations need to be realistic and this couple have not had that met.


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## stamboy (Apr 1, 2013)

WeeWhiteWabbit said:


> No you don't know the circumstances. And yes he killed my career. I cannot work in my profession because I worked in a location where it didn't exist and there were no alternatives. To start again I can only go back to the UK and work for two years before I return to the ME. there was no discussion it was move or else. I chose my husband but that's not to say I don't miss my career. But as I have discovered my career was far more important to my identity than I acknowledged. Haven spoken to other people in similar positions, they oft feel the same mourning and to neglect that leads to a very sour relationship. What's done is done but if one person puts themselves ahead in the relationship, there will be blow back. Criticising one person in the relationship for wanting exactly what the other wants is duplicitous. I will add that a lot of promises are often made to spouses about what is available and how much more time will be spent together etc with the new job and that rarely happens. Friends have become embittered by those broken promises. Expectations need to be realistic and this couple have not had that met.


Where are you now WWW - back in Blighty as per your flags?


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## WeeWhiteWabbit (Sep 7, 2013)

No. I don't particularly want to list my location due to security issues. Needless to say it is in the Middle East and although a little less modern than the uae there are many similarities. My next stop is the UAE but my time here means I can't work in my profession there as I'm officially off the books.


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## pamela0810 (Apr 5, 2010)

WeeWhiteWabbit said:


> No you don't know the circumstances. And yes he killed my career. I cannot work in my profession because I worked in a location where it didn't exist and there were no alternatives. To start again I can only go back to the UK and work for two years before I return to the ME. there was no discussion it was move or else. I chose my husband but that's not to say I don't miss my career. But as I have discovered my career was far more important to my identity than I acknowledged. Haven spoken to other people in similar positions, they oft feel the same mourning and to neglect that leads to a very sour relationship. What's done is done but if one person puts themselves ahead in the relationship, there will be blow back. Criticising one person in the relationship for wanting exactly what the other wants is duplicitous. I will add that a lot of promises are often made to spouses about what is available and how much more time will be spent together etc with the new job and that rarely happens. Friends have become embittered by those broken promises. Expectations need to be realistic and this couple have not had that met.


You sound extremely bitter. You let your career define who you are and many people make that mistake. It doesn't matter what you do for a career, there will always be someone to replace you. Life goes on, you need to learn to move on as well.

Also, you don't want to list your location due to security issues. This isn't a secure website, it's a public forum. If someone wants to know where you are, they can very easily find out. I really hope your job wasn't in security!


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## WeeWhiteWabbit (Sep 7, 2013)

No. I'm a health professional. It is a public forum (thank you for pointing out the obvious) so you don't criticise the country you reside in. I also don't see why everyone should know everyone's details. Get enough creeps online. Thanks

My career allowed me to make a difference in the world. My husbands choice ensured I could only sit at home. So not only did I lose contact with family, friends and culture and got stuck in a hazardous environment, but I got the pleasure of being quite useless. I have found as much of a niche as I can for myself. Im an extremely creativf person in that regard. And I'm sure I will find plenty of creative ways for developing myself. But spouses should really consider their partner as a whole person, not an extension of them. Recognise that mistake and you can move forward. If you can't you will go the way of many of the marriages that split. 

I will add that I'm not replaceable, I still get calls asking when I plan to return. 

Don't be so critical if home truths when they are asked for. If you don't want to head the answer you don't wang to hear (that not every woman want to be bard foot in the kitchen) I suggest you don't get involved.


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## stamboy (Apr 1, 2013)

WeeWhiteWabbit said:


> No. I don't particularly want to list my location due to security issues. Needless to say it is in the Middle East and although a little less modern than the uae there are many similarities. My next stop is the UAE but my time here means I can't work in my profession there as I'm officially off the books.


Sounds very exciting!


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## stamboy (Apr 1, 2013)

WeeWhiteWabbit said:


> I will add that I'm not replaceable, I still get calls asking when I plan to return.


Not replaceable in what respect - a work situation?


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## pamela0810 (Apr 5, 2010)

WeeWhiteWabbit said:


> No. I'm a health professional. It is a public forum (thank you for pointing out the obvious) so you don't criticise the country you reside in. I also don't see why everyone should know everyone's details. Get enough creeps online. Thanks - How exactly did I criticise the country that I reside in?
> 
> My career allowed me to make a difference in the world. My husbands choice ensured I could only sit at home. So not only did I lose contact with family, friends and culture and got stuck in a hazardous environment, but I got the pleasure of being quite useless. I have found as much of a niche as I can for myself. Im an extremely creativf person in that regard. And I'm sure I will find plenty of creative ways for developing myself. But spouses should really consider their partner as a whole person, not an extension of them. Recognise that mistake and you can move forward. If you can't you will go the way of many of the marriages that split. - It is not ONLY your husband's choice. Stop blaming him for the choices that you have made. You say you're an educated professional. Did he drag you by the hair and bring you out here? If you are the independent woman that you claim to be, you should've said something then; not b*tch and moan about being useless now. Continue going down this bitter path and soon enough your husband will be having an affair with a young, carefree and HAPPY woman who makes him feel good about himself. Then you will have no one to blame but yourself.
> 
> ...


If there's one thing you've probably succeeded in doing, it's making the OP realise that his situation could be much, much worse. Good job!


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## WeeWhiteWabbit (Sep 7, 2013)

stamboy said:


> Not replaceable in what respect - a work situation?


Yup. They've struggled. Several previous posts repeatedly contact me to come back.


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## zatapa (Jun 21, 2013)

Sounds like maybe you made the wrong choice, your career might have made you happier than your husband does now.
As a marketeer I have always learned that if you have a product that you cannot sell because the market doesn't want it or need it, you're either in the wrong market or you sell the wrong product. I think you are in the wrong market. No point writing ten or twenty postings on an expat forum about it, because it won't change the situation. The question I have is: what are you going to do to become a happier person?


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## mehranR (Jul 27, 2013)

WWW, Somehow you are contradicting yourself. In one post you say that you were irreplaceable and in another one you say you have proven to be quite useless. A person being so good at their job and loving their job always will find something to do related to that job. If you really love what u do, and you think it is rewarding for the patients, then get a pay cut and continue working, once they see that you are the irreplaceable person you are talking about, then well.... You will be irreplaceable


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## ccr (Jun 20, 2010)

WeeWhiteWabbit said:


> Yup. They've struggled. Several previous posts repeatedly contact me to come back.


I am so envious of you. I sincerely hope that people struggle without my existence as I am so irreplaceable...


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## hubbly_bubbly (Oct 17, 2010)

ccr said:


> I am so envious of you. I sincerely hope that people struggle without my existence as I am so irreplaceable...


Guffaw!

*hastily gets napkin to wipe wine from nostrils and mouth*


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## stamboy (Apr 1, 2013)

WeeWhiteWabbit said:


> Yup. They've struggled. Several previous posts repeatedly contact me to come back.


You just can't get the staff these days!

I'm sure many people have left jobs me included  and replacements weren't as good in some instances. However, life goes on for the companies. I've had good staff leave before and the job still gets done.


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## vantage (May 10, 2012)

we had an irreplaceable guy leave once.
The entire workforce were utterly devastated. This guy was a 'rockstar' at what he did.
He had the respect not only of the staff, but the industry as a whole.

What happened next?

after a month or two of some fairly major upheaval, everyone 'beneath' him suddenly felt a weight lifted off. There was a huge void to fill, and within weeks, we were stronger than before. Everyone strived to fill it, and many suceeded. We no longer had one 'rockstar', we had a team.
gross income and profit margin increased.

no-one is irreplaceable.


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## WeeWhiteWabbit (Sep 7, 2013)

Hmm, my old boss doesn't agree. She's just asked when I returning this morning. Unless here, irreplaceable there (read the threads). Yes someone can do the job but not quite the same. 

I was willing to take a TCN wage. But they don't do that here for whatever reasons. I'm told salaries are nationality tiered. Oh well. 

It's funny how irate you've all become that someone may actually be good at what they do. I have a unique skill set. Partly which didn't play in my favour here as some of specialties don't exist here. I've worked as Generalist but it took forever to get licensed with my titles. I worked hard, patients worked hard with me. I found issues and solved them before they became problems and importantly before patients got hurt. I worked in teams to fill gaps and on my own in early hour clinics. i made a difference. I was very sorry to that go. There were no volunteering opportunities to fill it. I've kept busy but I've never made the level of difference I made in my old job. I'm hoping the UAE will offer a little more. 

I have come to terms with my loss. I know that if I really wanted to go back, I could. It would be hard choices and a divorce which I don't want. I'd also need to take time to reinstate myself in my post, and reskill. I have chosen here. I hope the OP appreciates his wife so they can move forward and he is wary of broken promises so her job loss is of the only one.


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## mehranR (Jul 27, 2013)

WeeWhiteWabbit said:


> Hmm, my old boss doesn't agree. She's just asked when I returning this morning. Unless here, irreplaceable there (read the threads). Yes someone can do the job but not quite the same.
> 
> I was willing to take a TCN wage. But they don't do that here for whatever reasons. I'm told salaries are nationality tiered. Oh well.
> 
> ...


People can be good at their jobs but you keep insisting that you are the best. This only shows your ego. I am a healthcare provider, and I have worked with world renowned dentist and quite a few of them are my friends. Neither them nor I think that we are the only ones capable of doing a job. We any have a different approach but we all are capable of getting the job done, but you think that no one can do your job. I am not irate but I am surprised by your way of thinking.


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## zatapa (Jun 21, 2013)

Same here, in any kind of company, no one is irreplaceable. Unless you can walk on water, turn water into wine or do other miracles. In life it pays to be modest sometimes and also to have some sense of self-criticism. If I fail in something, it is me who failed, not the people around me.


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## vantage (May 10, 2012)

This is all a bit like an episode of Holby City!

Consultant Doctors / Surgeons with hilarious TV comedy egos!


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## Canuck_Sens (Nov 16, 2010)

WeeWhiteWabbit said:


> You removed her a major part of her identity and self esteem. My husband killed my career in order to move to the middle east. i may never be able to work in my chosen profession again so my sympathies are with your wife....................'staying at home and raising the kids' or becoming part of the 'ladies who lunch' is not for everyone and not hugely stimulating for a previous professional. your wife will need something to get up in the morning for and to feel value in her own right.


 Fair enough, this is a potential outcome of a move when one of the parties must "give up" work. We spend probably 1/3 of our time at work and that identifies us and I agree it is a big part of who we are. I concur help in the transition is important.

One would expect nevertheless that the couple would have sorted those issues before moving. Some of us just see the bright side and we tend to overlook what can possibly go wrong. Have you ever seen anybody who is about to move to say sadly " My gosh we are moving to Dubai, BUT things might go wrong !!!" NOPE. People are excited to write a story anew.

Your comments though reminded me of a very good friend of mine who is struggling to keep his marriage afloat. The couple is Italian and she has been spending several months with the children overseas. For me the signs are crystal clear. Unless things are pretty bad at your home country, gotta think what is most important to you and move again.

Don't ignore the signs or you will regret!


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## IzzyBella (Mar 11, 2013)

I think it boils down to what's most important for both of you: your career or your marriage. 

If they answers from both partners aren't the same, then I think you're screwed. If they're the same then it will all work out.

Stop over-complicating things.


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## hubbly_bubbly (Oct 17, 2010)

> Originally Posted by *WeeWhiteWabbit *
> Your wife will need something to get up in the morning for and to feel value in her own right.



Don't we all?

To be embittered because our partners "made me do this or that and I resent A, B and C because of what you did" is a waste of time, energy and misplaced love and above all, lacks true imagination and true self-determination. Anything else is hypocritical.

Ultimately, we all choose to do what we want to do.


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## abayd (Sep 10, 2013)

This is why I'm a camel guy and not a corporate careerist. I'm not putting you guys down; to each his own. I just simply can't fathom anyone caring so much about their jobs. Life is just a number of days so I'd rather have happy ones sipping coffee with friends than advancing up the corporate ladder while stressing myself to death.
A job is just a job. I've never really had one so I can't imagine what it must be like to be miserable without one even if you have enough money or your spouse is supporting you just because you think you need one.


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## zatapa (Jun 21, 2013)

Amen to that.


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## vantage (May 10, 2012)

abayd said:


> A job is just a job. I've never really had one so I can't imagine what it must be like to be miserable without one



would that we were all so lucky!

most of us need to work....!


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## abayd (Sep 10, 2013)

It's all in the way one chooses to think. 

First, if you're less attached to the idea of owning things, and getting them becomes less important, you automatically need less money. So many Westerners just accept the idea that things which are actually luxuries are necessities.

People also get hung up on titles, prestige and what society expects of them, when in reality most of these are arbitrary concepts.

Many, many people who aren't from wealthy families are able to live much more fulfilling lives than many people who did all the things they were trained to believe that had to: get into tremendous debt to earn a degree, perform tasks daily for someone else for a certain number of hours (usually 9-5), just because "that's what you do", and now it's gotten so bad that even someone being supported by her husband doesn't feel her life is meaningful unless she's someone's employee somewhere. 

If we spent those years developing ourselves instead of our resumes, our sense of worth couldn't be taken away just because someone didn't honour us with a servantile position.

Making money and having one of those "jobs" have very little to do with each other if you open your mind a little. 

This isn't coming from a millionaires son or a lottery winner. I've just never bought the product and I'm glad I made it to 35 without becoming a cubicle zombie or thinking I have to have a job description to be fulfilled as a human. I have everything I need and I enjoy my days. 

I also support my family. 

Al hamdu lillah.


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## Tropicana (Apr 29, 2010)

abayd said:


> It's all in the way one chooses to think.
> 
> First, if you're less attached to the idea of owning things, and getting them becomes less important, you automatically need less money. So many Westerners just accept the idea that things which are actually luxuries are necessities.
> 
> ...



It is a matter of defining luxury vs necessity. Is a good school, a decent car larger than a Yaris, a reasonably sized home all luxuries or necessities ?

And dont blame westerners, the most materialistic and consumerist people I know and see are all "Easterners"


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## Mr Rossi (May 16, 2009)

I actually agree with you, abayd. Unfortunately, DEWA out of a long list of many, don't share these values.


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## Netta (Dec 17, 2012)

JK 1337 quoted
Her problem is not so much Dubai itself (sure, plenty to hate but plenty to love, like any other city!).
It's a combination of:
- missing her old job which was great, in a great team and with great career progression
- receiving lots and lots of rejection letters
- not having a social circle (maybe we're just running into the wrong people but has been hard to socialise)

[/QUOTE]


Are you my husband in disguise?
I have ticked all of them and I can see myself in it...Dubai was our dream but now depression is mounting!!I have been here already two years and not receiving one single offer is really depressing....I am kinda stuck in the middle...senior jobs you need to have GCC experience....junior jobs..only for srilankan, indian and filipinos:frusty:
If by 2014 still nothing...I will definetely go back for good!!!
It is not a matter of for "better or for worse" it is to tell ourselves WE HAVE MADE A WRONG MOVE. Sometimes Pride kills.


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## vantage (May 10, 2012)

abayd said:


> I also support my family.
> 
> Al hamdu lillah.


i assume this is private wealth of some sort?
you do state that you've never had a job...

having a job does not mean you are materialistic.
It is also one of the only ways to support a family for the huge majority of people.


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## jk_1337 (Oct 25, 2012)

wow.... didn't expect this thread to be so active!

thanks for the replies everyone, in particular the ones directed at my specific situation.

things have somewhat picked up with a number of recruitment agencies getting back to her about roles and she's had a few interviews in the past week! No further news however her mood has certainly improved and we've been talking a lot more about the situation which has been quite helpful. 

One of the interviews is quite promising but nothing in the bag just yet so we are praying fervently for a breakthrough! 

A few people have also sent me messages of support - thank you 

We're taking it a day at a time with me constantly encouraging and motivating her to keep at it... and I'm trying very hard to keep her spirits up. 

If by the 12 month mark things haven't gotten any better, I may just bite the bullet and go back home... though with Tony Abbott in power now, I don't know if that's a great idea!


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## xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxStewartC (Mar 3, 2012)

The thing I miss most about working in an office is the camaraderie and working with like-minded people to achieve worthwhile results.

I came here to support my wife's career and have kept myself busy as an author (wrote two books this year) and with sorting out various business matters back in England.

But apart from a few nice people we have met here, my wife and our cats, I don't socialise enough to keep me happy. I'm now seeking an interesting editorial job mainly to be part of a team that creates something interesting and of quality.

It really is tough at times for the "other half". But my wife supported me a decade ago when I had a career opportunity in Singapore. So it's only fair for me to do the same. In the long run the moved helped her too because she went out and made it happen.

We have been married 24 years next week and we are happy together because each of us is the other's top priority by miles. Jobs are just part of the journey we are on together. All you need is love.


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## abayd (Sep 10, 2013)

Tropicana said:


> It is a matter of defining luxury vs necessity. Is a good school, a decent car larger than a Yaris, a reasonably sized home all luxuries or necessities ?
> 
> And dont blame westerners, the most materialistic and consumerist people I know and see are all "Easterners"


You can have those things without being an employee. I'm not living in a tent right now, I'm in a rather nice flat and obviously have internet connection.

The point is, I'm also fine without any of it. When I'm in the desert, it's not an excursion and then I return to a mansion. I'm literally content without any of it.

When one stops chasing wealth but just does what one loves to do, after trusting in God, they are taken care of and often become richer than those who spend their lives chasing material dreams.

Yes, todays new Gulf persona can be very materialistic, but this is a deviation from their origins and there are still many, many people of the old school. Expats living in major cities are unlikely to meet them but they are there.

I'm talking about people who value friendship and honour over any type of material possession. People who would give you the clothes off their back even if they have no replacement. People who would sit by a well after a long journey and not drink a drop of water until their companions returned 6 hours later. 

I just don't understand why having a job is so important that one would become miserable without one even if all of their expenses were taken care of. There are friends, nature, books, new skills to learn, stories, wisdom, animals you can raise and learn from. I never feel bored. I have nothing to put on a resume. I don't have GCC citizenship, but I have a nice life.


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## abayd (Sep 10, 2013)

I feel sad for anyone who is not enjoying their days there. It's as if the country you know and the one I do are two seperate places. My Dubai is living in the sand dunes with camels and horses, seeing stars at night, perfect peace and quiet, good friends.

When I go back in November, I would like to invite people to come spend a quiet hour with the old Arabians and experience the difference. Some real tranquility. Meet some emmiratis who couldn't care less about cars or yachts or jets, and who choose reed huts over mansions and sand dunes over hotels. They are out there, and plenty of them.

I have lived it all. I have lived luxury, lived on a private island, been on the yachts and flown in a private jet, hung out with big time millionaires. I've also been homeless and slept on the docks. I've owned a buaetiful business in Qatar, and I've slept in tents and outdoors placing my head on a rock. 

I know that I'm happiest out there, in the desert, with no pressure or worries. The only thing that even brings me back to the modern world is the visa run, since, although I'm a bedouin, I am also an American and have no other citizenship, so I have to go to Oman and back again, but I love Oman too. I know Omanis who live in tents and travel just to sell some walking sticks and go back. 

Life is very flexible. Don't make yourselves sad by following rigid ideas. Please, I want you all to be happy and experience peace.

I will gladly be anyones host anywhere in the Gulf who wants to see the other life. My only request is we don't talk about JOBS lol.

You can earn money doing what you love. 

PS If someone's job happens to also be what they sincerely love, I support that too. If your love is archeology and you are the professor of archeology at a university, than you're doing the right thing.

But here in New York where I currently am, I see the miserable faces of the workers coming home daily from their high stress careers; they aren't happy. They just think it's what they need to do just because. hey think they need more things. More money. More titles. And ever one of them is in huge debt.

I'm not. I just wish everyone could know the happiness and contentment that I do. I want to share it with others, and show them there's another way.


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## WeeWhiteWabbit (Sep 7, 2013)

We are way off topic 
Sorry you missed the point of my posts and felt the need to troll.
If I make mistakes I learn from them, that's one of the things that makes me a great clinician. Good reporting means other people get to learn from them too. If this is the community on here haws help us.


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## stamboy (Apr 1, 2013)

jk_1337 said:


> wow.... didn't expect this thread to be so active!
> 
> thanks for the replies everyone, in particular the ones directed at my specific situation.
> 
> ...


Good to hear you're still alive


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## QOFE (Apr 28, 2013)

WeeWhiteWabbit said:


> We are way off topic
> Sorry you missed the point of my posts and felt the need to troll.
> If I make mistakes I learn from them, that's one of the things that makes me a great clinician. Good reporting means other people get to learn from them too. If this is the community on here haws help us.


Yes, it went way off topic. I felt that you tried to steer it to a ME, ME, ME topic about you. I wish you the best of luck in your secretive location. 

I'm glad to hear that OP's situation seem brighter now. It's all onwards and upwards from now on. It can take quite some time to adjust to a new country and new life.


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## zatapa (Jun 21, 2013)

I will be managing an office in Dubai soon and I too think family is way more important than work. Meaning that my employees need to be able to put their families first too. I am wondering how this will work out when managing Indians, Filipinos and others. I was told by.my predecessor that in Dubai, if you're the boss, you need to be THE BOSS. Otherwise people will take advantage of you. I am all for trusting your people until they prove that they cannot be trusted. Showing initiative is key as well. But we will always work to live and not live to work.


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## abayd (Sep 10, 2013)

vantage said:


> i assume this is private wealth of some sort?
> you do state that you've never had a job...
> 
> having a job does not mean you are materialistic.
> It is also one of the only ways to support a family for the huge majority of people.


One can always buy and sell, invest even if starting out extremely small, or offer a service which they love, such as consulting. 

The point is to not become a slave whose time, efforts and entire identity are in another human being's hands, or even if you're a boss, you have no time for what really matters, all to have things or prestige.

I'm not just trolling as one member suggested. I want to help in my own way by invited anyone who wants to come out to the desert to take a new look at life, detox, let go of the effects of the grind and all of the toxins of modern corporate life.

Come drink some coffee. Ride a camel. Look at stars. Leave your mobile phone and everything else behind. 

I only want people to be as happy and stress free as I am.


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## abayd (Sep 10, 2013)

My invitation especially goes out to the OP.

It's amazing how much more peace and clarity some time away can give. Recharge your batteries, if you will.

I'd be honoured for you to be my guest. It's not far from Dubai. I'll be there in a couple of months in sha Allah.

To someone above, I never said having a job makes one materialistic. I only feel that being miserable and unfulfilled just because of the lack of one even when one has enough is indicative that the job has become too important, too defining. There's so much more to life than working for others. And you needn't be born rich. There are people from poor families who work from home for four hours a week total and make more than all of these stressed out Wallstreeters and 60 hour a week execs. 

Stress is poison. It weakens the immune system and just isn't worth it.


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## vantage (May 10, 2012)

abayd said:


> One can always buy and sell, invest even if starting out extremely small, or offer a service which they love, such as consulting.
> 
> The point is to not become a slave whose time, efforts and entire identity are in another human being's hands, or even if you're a boss, you have no time for what really matters, all to have things or prestige.
> 
> ...


sounds great!
You are right - it is hard to meet 'locals' with this sort of mindset. I met one, soon after i arrived last year.
Leaving the mobile behind (or at least off) is rule no.1 for me at least one day a week, and definitely on vacation!


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## abayd (Sep 10, 2013)

vantage said:


> sounds great!
> You are right - it is hard to meet 'locals' with this sort of mindset. I met one, soon after i arrived last year.
> Leaving the mobile behind (or at least off) is rule no.1 for me at least one day a week, and definitely on vacation!


I'm glad you get some peace in your week. I look forward to your visit. 

I recommend people look into Tim Ferris (famous for his concept of post-recession lifestyle design. He gets it. I hope to have him over the ranch in UAE or better yet, Mughshin or Salalah some time. Maybe we could have a meet up and learn from his wisdom. 

He's a bedouin like us even though he doesnt know it yet. I'll hook him up with a camel lol.


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## Tropicana (Apr 29, 2010)

abayd said:


> There are people from poor families who work from home for four hours a week total and make more than all of these stressed out Wallstreeters and 60 hour a week execs.
> .


I know what you are trying to say but all that is simply not viable for most people* in Dubai and is becoming increasingly less of an option even in the West.

Not everyone who is stressed out working in Dubai is running in a rat race and trying to climb the corporate ladder.

For someone already in Dubai, he has things like gathering money for 6 months to a years rent and paying for ever increasing school fees, as 2 things which causes quite a bit of stress. 


* or maybe I should say most expats


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## Tropicana (Apr 29, 2010)

zatapa said:


> I will be managing an office in Dubai soon and I too think family is way more important than work. Meaning that my employees need to be able to put their families first too.* I am wondering how this will work out when managing Indians, Filipinos and others*. I was told by.my predecessor that in Dubai, if you're the boss, you need to be THE BOSS. Otherwise people will take advantage of you. I am all for trusting your people until they prove that they cannot be trusted. Showing initiative is key as well. But we will always work to live and not live to work.


One way in which you will be a good manager is by recognizing that not all people from one country are the same or even similar. Maybe you already know this, but the way you put "when managing Indians, Filipinos" sounded like something we see a lot; when HR decisions and rules are made on the assumption that people from X do this and eat that. 

All the best


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## abayd (Sep 10, 2013)

Tropicana said:


> I know what you are trying to say but all that is simply not viable for most people* in Dubai and is becoming increasingly less of an option even in the West.
> 
> Not everyone who is stressed out working in Dubai is running in a rat race and trying to climb the corporate ladder.
> 
> ...


Argue for your limitations, and they're yours. As long as you're happy accepting that that's the way it has to be I won't try to convince you.

I see you're from Bangladesh. Which part? I have friends from Silhet, Dhakka and Nuahali. Banagalis have a special place in my heart. I even chew pan sometimes lol.(just to be social when invited to their homes. Don't want to reject hospitality.)


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## Canuck_Sens (Nov 16, 2010)

jk_1337 said:


> If by the 12 month mark things haven't gotten any better, I may just bite the bullet and go back home... though with Tony Abbott in power now, I don't know if that's a great idea!


If my decision to move were solely based on politics and which Bozo is in power, I would have to move to either the north pole or south pole or to some other Nordic countries. We live in a pretty messed up politicized world today.

The funny thing about power is that whoever gets there "eventually" will become a bozo. 

Oh, and I love the exchanges between Cameron and Milliband. I was shocked that the best comic and entertainment could be found in the British Parliament. It is quite a show!!! Their exchanges reminds me of "Everybody loves Raymond" series.

How I wish the proroguing was abolished. If politicians are not going to get things sorted on behalf of their constituents, we could at least have some fun at their expense. 

P.S. Bozo is the famous clown here!!!


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## Canuck_Sens (Nov 16, 2010)

StewartC said:


> We have been married 24 years next week and we are happy together because each of us is the other's top priority by miles. Jobs are just part of the journey we are on together. All you need is love.


Why did not you tell us that you are a huge fan of the Beatles ?!!! that line of yours reminds me of that famous song and I cannot let it go. D#M%!


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## Tropicana (Apr 29, 2010)

abayd said:


> Argue for your limitations, and they're yours. As long as you're happy accepting that that's the way it has to be I won't try to convince you.
> 
> I see you're from Bangladesh. Which part? I have friends from Silhet, Dhakka and Nuahali. Banagalis have a special place in my heart. I even chew pan sometimes lol.(just to be social when invited to their homes. Don't want to reject hospitality.)


My parents are from Dhaka so technically I am from Dhaka as well, though I never lived there. 

Unfortunately no one in my family, even extended, chews Paan, so if you ever visit our home, that is the only thing I won't be able to offer


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## imac (Oct 14, 2012)

The desert seems to get pretty good internet... wonder if its Du or Etisalat?


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## Chocoholic (Oct 29, 2012)

The reality of life is that people need to work to survive - that's a simple fact for the majority.

In many of these situations, it would be better for the partner who has been offered a job else where, to come on their own, to try it for a while, instead of uprooting the whole family or forcing the other party to give up something they love.

Many people love to work and would go completely insane not doing something and many people LOVE their jobs.


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## abayd (Sep 10, 2013)

Chocoholic said:


> The reality of life is that people need to work to survive - that's a simple fact for the majority.
> 
> In many of these situations, it would be better for the partner who has been offered a job else where, to come on their own, to try it for a while, instead of uprooting the whole family or forcing the other party to give up something they love.
> 
> Many people love to work and would go completely insane not doing something and many people LOVE their jobs.


Perceptions perceptions

Until relatively recently, most of the Earth's population didn't have bosses and "jobs" as they are now understood. Most people either: 
brought goods from one place and sold them in another
sat in their own shops and sold things they bought or made themselves
tended their own crops
or like us bedouins, were pasturalists and raised and sold their animals

There's no reason why one can't do exactly that today. Boss=survival/no boss=death doesn't have to be your reality. 

If someobody LOVES their job, great, but the idea of job=something to do/no job=nothing to do or no meaning or fulfillment in one's life is indicative of a serious void. It means that the individual probably spent their life only developing one aspect of themselves and neglected the rest. Their whole identity revolves around being an employee. 

Take that away, and they're devastated because they have spent their whole life only on their resume rather than on their true selves.

Jobs should be a means not an end. You aren't on this planet to be an employee.

The offer still stands to everyone else to come to the desert any time to stargaze and be happy.


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## hubbly_bubbly (Oct 17, 2010)

abayd said:


> Perceptions perceptions
> 
> Until relatively recently, most of the Earth's population didn't have bosses and "jobs" as they are now understood. Most people either:
> brought goods from one place and sold them in another
> ...


The first part of what you wrote is utter bollocks and with terrible generalisations to boot. There have been good, bad and indifferent tradesmen and women (bosses) individually and/or collectively teaching, working, overseeing, and even _paying_ their apprentices (employees) in all forms of work/jobs since day dot. It's not perception, it's semantics.

For example: the word "boss" came around in the 19th century. The word "master" however, comes from Latin: _*magister*_; probably related to *magis ‘more’* (i.e., ‘*more important’*).

On the better side of your post, star gazing in the desert is great idea (one of the best) and everyone on the planet should do it at least once, whether they are self-employed, a boss or an employee.


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## abayd (Sep 10, 2013)

hubbly_bubbly said:


> The first part of what you wrote is utter bollocks and with terrible generalisations to boot. There have been good, bad and indifferent tradesmen and women (bosses) individually and/or collectively teaching, working, overseeing, and even _paying_ their apprentices (employees) in all forms of work/jobs since day dot. It's not perception, it's semantics.
> 
> For example: the word "boss" came around in the 19th century. The word "master" however, comes from Latin: _*magister*_; probably related to *magis ‘more’* (i.e., ‘*more important’*).
> 
> On the better side of your post, star gazing in the desert is great idea (one of the best) and everyone on the planet should do it at least once, whether they are self-employed, a boss or an employee.


In Europe yes it was land owners with peasants toiling in their fields.Our history is a but different. If you want a master that's you're choice.

I'm not telling people to all live as I do. I understand why people take jobs and all, and I understand why some may react harshly to my ideas because if you've spent your whole life by certain rules the idea of not having had to do it that way can be unsettling.

My main cause here is that even if you do choose to be an employee, please don't let that be all you are. It's just what you do to put butter on your bread, not your reason for living.

The poor guy suffering who started the post is a victim of this mentality. He is providing for his wife but she's making him miserable because she doesn't have a job right now. If it wasn't for this type of training, she would find other ways to be happy until she found one instead of making herself and the goodman miserable over something like this.


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## abayd (Sep 10, 2013)

At any rate, I'm not just an idealist hippy talking about dreams while sitting in the park. I'm living as I choose and believe I'm much happier and stress-free than most of the employees I see struggling with a lifestyle which they think is the only way to go.

I just don't like to see people suffer and hoped to help relieve a bit of it in my own small way, that's all. 

I wish the OP a happy solution to his plight, and anyone else who is suffering. And again, please take a look at Tim Ferris and his suggestions for lifestyle design. He's hardly a dreamer and is living life on his own terms. You all can too, in sha Allah.

Have a tranquil night/day, all of you.


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## hubbly_bubbly (Oct 17, 2010)

Indeed, we all live as we choose, Abayd, and we are responsible for those choices - even if we are not quite sure how or why we made them (at the time).

Just for clarity, did these count as real jobs?

Jobs | Ancient Egypt: Daily Life


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## fcjb1970 (Apr 30, 2010)

abayd said:


> At any rate, I'm not just an idealist hippy talking about dreams while sitting in the park. I'm living as I choose and believe I'm much happier and stress-free than most of the employees I see struggling with a lifestyle which they think is the only way to go.
> 
> I just don't like to see people suffer and hoped to help relieve a bit of it in my own small way, that's all.
> 
> ...


Ah, the life of a trust fund hippy (or in this case trust fund Bedouin).


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## pamela0810 (Apr 5, 2010)

abayd said:


> At any rate, I'm not just an idealist hippy talking about dreams while sitting in the park. I'm living as I choose and believe I'm much happier and stress-free than most of the employees I see struggling with a lifestyle which they think is the only way to go.
> 
> I just don't like to see people suffer and hoped to help relieve a bit of it in my own small way, that's all.
> 
> ...


:blah: :blah: :blah:

I am extremely grateful that I have a JOB. I am also very happy and 100% content with my life and with the JOB that I have. So for a guy who supposedly spends so much time with the camels in the desert stargazing, maybe it's about time you cut your Bullsh*t and step away from the keyboard. Constantly repeating the same nonsense using different words is just getting a tad bit tiresome and old now.

All you've done is preach preach preach on this one thread! If you really want to see people happy, go on ahead and start making a valid contribution to help the people that genuinely need guidance on their move to Dubai, on other threads too. Otherwise, you can carry on being the annoying little preacher that you are who will soon fade into the darkness like many others before you.


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## vantage (May 10, 2012)

abayd said:


> Perceptions perceptions
> 
> Until relatively recently, most of the Earth's population didn't have bosses and "jobs" as they are now understood. Most people either:
> brought goods from one place and sold them in another (THIS IS A JOB)
> ...


...


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## dizzyizzy (Mar 30, 2008)

People are different.

Different kinds of people need different kinds of things to be happy. The end. 

To try to sell my version of happiness to others (which is a combination of loving myself, having someone to love, having a purpose in life, having a roof over my head, laughing lots, sleep, sex, travel to new places, eat lots of cheese, watch Netflix, and buy handbags, etc etc and not necessary in that order) is a waste of everyone's time. If stargazing and living a Bedouin lifestyle makes you happy, good for you! But what this lady needs, amongst other things, is a job, probably not because she wants to be someone's employee but because it provides her with a lot of things such as professional fulfillment, a purpose, a sense of accomplishment, independence, being useful while spending her time doing something she loves, socializing, having her 'own' thing going on, etc.

If you had to stop being a Bedouin today out of choice, you wouldn't be too happy about it, would you?

And for the record, I think Tim Ferris is the ultimate 4 hour douchebag.


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## imac (Oct 14, 2012)

dizzyizzy said:


> ...is a combination of loving myself, having someone to love ... sleep, sex ... eat lots of cheese....


You get all that with camels too... just sayin...


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## dizzyizzy (Mar 30, 2008)

imac said:


> You get all that with camels too... just sayin...


And possibly handbags too, once you kill the camel and skin it!


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## Chocoholic (Oct 29, 2012)

eace:eace:eace: I don't know what he's smoking out there in the desert - but whatever it is, he needs to pass some around! WINNING!


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## dizzyizzy (Mar 30, 2008)

Chocoholic said:


> eace:eace:eace: I don't know what he's smoking out there in the desert - but whatever it is, he needs to pass some around! WINNING!


that crossed my mind earlier... pass the sheesha dude!


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## Brad07 (Sep 12, 2013)

An Ouch - but having a baby will nake it even worse!


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## jk_1337 (Oct 25, 2012)

We could find out by the end of the week about the status of her interviews so let's hope for the best!
I must say, things have been better recently and we've been spending more time working out, swimming and venturing out to delightful parts of Dubai like the Naif Souk and the Fish Market (on our way to the Gold Souk!).


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