# Really Frustrated.



## jdavis10 (Oct 1, 2012)

Anne and I got into it last night after church. She kept telling me I have been stingy on money, Her sister said some ignorant things also that I just wanted to get free meal from their house (not true), and Anne tells me she dont like me kissing her at her parents, she dont like me playing at church, she dont like that I forget to bless the parents EACH time. I told her in time it will be second nature but she says I wont change. Then she went on talking spree about me gaining 30 pounds she said im unhealthy and need to gain lol. These are small things that can be adjusted but she makes such huge deal about them. I was going to get the mom some chocolate but totally forgot (still got to do that). Just so frustrated on how her family true colors came out. Anne began to judge and question my decision making and that did not sit well with me considering that I always make sure she is taken care of.


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## cvgtpc1 (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm sure you pay enough but I promise you it will never be enough for them - especially if they see friends with other expats blowing the bank on their families.


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## phoenixrogue (Sep 23, 2013)

*keep cool*

I understand how you feel.It can be frustrating hearing that from the person special to you.Try to talk over your differences and you have to be honest with each other's intentions.If she really feel that you are special to her, then she would be keen and particular about how you would feel if she says things like this.A woman should treat his man right, with respect and trust.A man deserve to be pampered too not always the woman getting their whimps always.


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## M.C.A. (Feb 24, 2013)

*Relationships and family members*



jdavis10 said:


> Anne and I got into it last night after church. She kept telling me I have been stingy on money, Her sister said some ignorant things also that I just wanted to get free meal from their house (not true), and Anne tells me she dont like me kissing her at her parents, she dont like me playing at church, she dont like that I forget to bless the parents EACH time. I told her in time it will be second nature but she says I wont change. Then she went on talking spree about me gaining 30 pounds she said im unhealthy and need to gain lol. These are small things that can be adjusted but she makes such huge deal about them. I was going to get the mom some chocolate but totally forgot (still got to do that). Just so frustrated on how her family true colors came out. Anne began to judge and question my decision making and that did not sit well with me considering that I always make sure she is taken care of.


I know what's it like to deal with family members they are not shy in letting out their feelings with that said neither am I anymore..... yea no more mister shy smiley guy, if they deserve some shoveling back they get it, yea, if you allow them to be open and honest with you it's only fair to hand it back.

I now try to watch my weight, most girls I had dated before marriage did not like it if I showed up to port and had gained some pounds they let me know it the instant we met, you lose leverage and pride is beyond huge here so is peer pressure, dressing and looking your best is a must at all times, I never let the charcoal chopper, duck crap shoveler and tricycle man out dress me anymore, I used to dress down or dress with bland clothes if I were a women I would have been known as frumpy...not anymore.

Open affection is not very big here, I can tell because I don't see it happen and can't remember in over 2 decades any family members or neighbors doing that in public or around other members it's a private thing especially around the parents.

I try to distance myself from troublesome family members and encourage my wife to do the same actually she's the first one to shut them down if they give us a hard time. Most of our family members are stingy in fact almost every single one of them, they expect me to dish out every single time and they save their hard-earned peso's and let me spend my even harder earned dollars, so good on you for being stingy!!! It means you're not going to let them take advantage of you, I do dish out every now and then like today my house lower area is flooding, dang it.... and I had two family members help us tote heavy items upstairs, were drinking and I made soapas have the karaoke machine playing. 

If there's no splitting away from the sister in-law I would probably bring something with me next time, such as a cake or some other food item to bring the heat down.


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## jon1 (Mar 18, 2012)

jdavis10 said:


> Anne and I got into it last night after church. She kept telling me I have been stingy on money, Her sister said some ignorant things also that I just wanted to get free meal from their house (not true), and Anne tells me she dont like me kissing her at her parents, she dont like me playing at church, she dont like that I forget to bless the parents EACH time. I told her in time it will be second nature but she says I wont change. Then she went on talking spree about me gaining 30 pounds she said im unhealthy and need to gain lol. These are small things that can be adjusted but she makes such huge deal about them. I was going to get the mom some chocolate but totally forgot (still got to do that). Just so frustrated on how her family true colors came out. Anne began to judge and question my decision making and that did not sit well with me considering that I always make sure she is taken care of.


I wouldn't put up with that one bit. It is a good thing that you are seeing this now prior to truly jumping into the family.

For starters, I wouldn't do the "bless" stuff to her parents. You are not filipino and they should respect your culture as much as you do theirs. I do not do that and my in-laws do not expect it. You are not a child nor one of their children. If you are blessing them, you are acknowledging them as an authority figure in your life. 

Your girl needs to get a grip on the things that matter. It is a give and take thing and from the tone of this posting it seems there is more give from your end of the stick. I would sit down with her and talk things out. Come to a mutual agreement on what the ground rules are. If she does not want to budge on simple things imagine what the harder things will be like? Most filipinas think that the $ should be managed by them (it's their culture). Are you ready for that? For me, no. 

We have made our rules and we work together to abide by them. She accepted that along with a lot of other things as did I. We made some compromises without compromising ourselves.


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## Billfish (Apr 13, 2013)

I wouldn't get overly worked up about it. It sounds like a pretty standard tiff in a cross-cultural relationship. Probably a few frustrations all coming out at once due to some heated emotions. 

The making-up could be fun


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## MikeynJenz (Oct 8, 2012)

Agree with Jon1 completely. I too do not bless her father as that is basically saying he has more authority than you and you are bowing down to him. It is also true that the filipina women are supposed to control the money in this culture. My girl has even been asked if i give her all of my money/salary to look after, she simply told them "why is he going to do that, if i want something he will get it for me" (within reason of course lol).

There is one poor guy that lives across theroad (filipino), he works hard for minimal pay and gives his wife his salary each month. All i ever see her doing is playing cards with her friends all day with his hard earned money while he is at work. They once argued and my girl said that she threatened to leave him and take their daghter if he was to stop her playing cards.


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## jdavis10 (Oct 1, 2012)

Very strong points guys alot of what I see from her from gut instinct is excuses and YES I give out way to much than I should. She demands I bless everytime. She demands I be more "respectful". She demands I not touch her at her parents or anywhere. She demands that I show action. She demands alot of things and when I tell her " I wont do it " Anne blows up :mmph: she did same thing today. She told me she will stop caring and that I don't have feelings and don't care etc. She tells me I should "BLEND IN" and adjust since I am in Philippines. I think I have adjusted just fine and have shared some great insights from couple provinces and my experiences. I am sick of being treated like a child. I don't mind blessing the parents for respect but am sick and tired of her complaining about having to bless them as I typically do not want too but did it many times anyway. In the church your supposed to kiss the preacher hand "NOT ME" I sit there and fall half asleep mainly because I don't understand the sermon on catholic but I go to church for her. I am so frustrated guys I do not know what to do at this moment. I want to call it quits but I love her and want to least give her proper talk see if she will change her tone and make ground rules she will follow. I never get to look at people because soon as I do she will automatically jump to conclusion I am after another woman so I do these small things so she doesn't get "bitchy" and then she will go 1 hour on how I should be with those girls instead of her. I tell her I love her but she really makes it hard sometimes alot of times especially I do everything I can to make it work.





jon1 said:


> I wouldn't put up with that one bit. It is a good thing that you are seeing this now prior to truly jumping into the family.
> 
> For starters, I wouldn't do the "bless" stuff to her parents. You are not filipino and they should respect your culture as much as you do theirs. I do not do that and my in-laws do not expect it. You are not a child nor one of their children. If you are blessing them, you are acknowledging them as an authority figure in your life.
> 
> ...


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## jdavis10 (Oct 1, 2012)

Bill,

Unless she learns to stop treating me as child, and forcing the culture on me. She is hard on me and expects me to act as if I was born and raised Filipino and should eat the foods her mom cooks always (EVERYTHING). She gets mad that I cant open an umbrella other day I told her I didn't know how because I did not want to break it. I am not the hands on fix type anyways. I am more than computer hands on approach type. They ae small setbacks but they can head south fast. Your right I shouldn't bless the parents but Anne "makes me" and if I didn't I would not be allowed back in their household again I promise that. Their diehard catholic





Billfish said:


> I wouldn't get overly worked up about it. It sounds like a pretty standard tiff in a cross-cultural relationship. Probably a few frustrations all coming out at once due to some heated emotions.
> 
> The making-up could be fun


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## jdavis10 (Oct 1, 2012)

I basically have had to role over backwards for her, yet she does not do nothing for me. She doesn't cook for me, She doesn't do anything particularly big for me, She expect alot from me but yet does not want to give half and half as couple. I tell her be more understanding and she wont. She tells me the family wont roll over and change their culture for me. I never expected that but I do expect to be respected but I feel it doesn't happen. Her parents like me but truly I don't think Anne is appreciative enough for the things "I DO" and don't typically want to but I do not to have argument


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## cvgtpc1 (Jul 28, 2012)

jdavis10 said:


> I basically have had to role over backwards for her, yet she does not do nothing for me. She doesn't cook for me, She doesn't do anything particularly big for me, She expect alot from me but yet does not want to give half and half as couple. I tell her be more understanding and she wont. She tells me the family wont roll over and change their culture for me. I never expected that but I do expect to be respected but I feel it doesn't happen. Her parents like me but truly I don't think Anne is appreciative enough for the things "I DO" and don't typically want to but I do not to have argument


That's not unusual imo...as long as mom, auntie, sis, niece, cousins, brothers are around you'll never see her do anything when youre around. If it still happens you two move out on your own then you have a problem. Besides with the other stuff I'd still run.

You don't want to be even more miserable 5 years from now....I CANNOT stress that enough!


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## jdavis10 (Oct 1, 2012)

You got that right bud. I messaged her on facebook some guidelines she will need to follow BUT i bet she wont follow them. She already told me we couldnt get place together UNTIL we are married. Those are what her parents expect and the "catholic" way. She does not know how to tell her parents she is moving out because she is worried about what her parents will think of her. I am seriously on the verge CVGTC of running out of this. Its B.S. imho and less she straightens up I am done with it.





cvgtpc1 said:


> That's not unusual imo...as long as mom, auntie, sis,
> niece, cousins, brothers are around you'll never see her do anything when youre around. If it still happens you two move out on your own then you have a problem. Besides with the other stuff I'd still run.
> 
> You don't want to be even more miserable 5 years from now....I CANNOT stress that enough!


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## HVACman (Jul 27, 2011)

CaptainLarsen said:


> Sorry for you, but you have only one choice as I see it. GET OUT. There are many girls/woman out there who will be happy to appreciate and love you for who you are. This is not your time, place or woman. Go somewhere else and GET HAPPY.


X 1000. 

Filipino, American, European or from the moon, this situation sound way out of control. Life is too short for this garbage. I don't know you, but I know you deserve better. Heck, anyone deserves better than what you describe.


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## roodog78 (Sep 7, 2013)

Yes jdavis, your lucky if not married or have children together then walking away is easy. Sounds like you've been putting in the hard yards on the relationship and she is doing little in response due to family/religion and whatever else. I don't know your living arrangements but sounds like your too close to the family I would be moving from there ASAP and wait and see if she's going to follow, if not then obviously it wasn't meant to be.


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## M.C.A. (Feb 24, 2013)

*blessing balony*



jdavis10 said:


> Very strong points guys alot of what I see from her from gut instinct is excuses and YES I give out way to much than I should. She demands I bless everytime. She demands I be more "respectful". She demands I not touch her at her parents or anywhere. She demands that I show action. She demands alot of things and when I tell her " I wont do it " Anne blows up :mmph: she did same thing today. She told me she will stop caring and that I don't have feelings and don't care etc. She tells me I should "BLEND IN" and adjust since I am in Philippines. I think I have adjusted just fine and have shared some great insights from couple provinces and my experiences. I am sick of being treated like a child. I don't mind blessing the parents for respect but am sick and tired of her complaining about having to bless them as I typically do not want too but did it many times anyway. In the church your supposed to kiss the preacher hand "NOT ME" I sit there and fall half asleep mainly because I don't understand the sermon on catholic but I go to church for her. I am so frustrated guys I do not know what to do at this moment. I want to call it quits but I love her and want to least give her proper talk see if she will change her tone and make ground rules she will follow. I never get to look at people because soon as I do she will automatically jump to conclusion I am after another woman so I do these small things so she doesn't get "bitchy" and then she will go 1 hour on how I should be with those girls instead of her. I tell her I love her but she really makes it hard sometimes alot of times especially I do everything I can to make it work.



Blessing stuff....not gonna happen with me, I did that a few times and it's sickening for me personally, many of my family members don't deserve it either.... they had ripped us off several times and still demand that form of respect ....LOL......my wife explained to family members I don't do the blessing thing decades ago, that's a sign of weakness for me, I can't do that even though it's a sign of respect here it's one area I won't honor and don't feel obligated to honor.

There has to be some give and take with cultures, with that said I also don't expect kids or other family members to do the blessing with me, it's only fair, I will hug the kids at best, I don't do this anymore either, I focus more on my wife and kids.

Good luck with things, changes are hard for both sides but it seems like the girl friend can't bend the rules.... it may take her some time it sounds, someone you or wife will have to explain to the parents that there will alway's be cultural difference's and there will be a couple area's that it's not correct to force it upon others, it's like forcing alcohol onto someone who don't drink, you don't force the parents or wife to eat things you would normally eat or force religious or cultural difference's on them, I wouldn't practice things that might offend them, wait till you and the girl friend are alone nobody watching.

I'm thinking the parents are really old-fashioned and dirt poor, lol... they need to accept that the new foreign family member is not from here, same with her sisters and brothers.


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## jdavis10 (Oct 1, 2012)

Their not use seeing a foreigner around... So their very nosebleed, very old fashioned, and dont like touching, hugging, kissing, etc. I can work on not doing that but truly it gets frustrating her trying to force entire culture on me, then she got the nerve other day to tell me "Americans dont change to filipino culture when they come U.S. then she told me I should adapt to culture there which I have and done already. She is trying to force all this down on me maybe she needs a filipino boyfriend who uses the catholic religion and that follows as she likes. She likes a man with big appetite (filipinos do). She wants guy who has weight on him, She wants guy who lives and breathes tagalog language and culture. I guess she isnt ready for foreign bf. She always says this stuff to me too





mcalleyboy said:


> Blessing stuff....not gonna happen with me, I did that a few times and it's sickening for me personally, many of my family members don't deserve it either.... they had ripped us off several times and still demand that form of respect ....LOL......my wife explained to family members I don't do the blessing thing decades ago, that's a sign of weakness for me, I can't do that even though it's a sign of respect here it's one area I won't honor and don't feel obligated to honor.
> 
> There has to be some give and take with cultures, with that said I also don't expect kids or other family members to do the blessing with me, it's only fair, I will hug the kids at best, I don't do this anymore either, I focus more on my wife and kids.
> 
> ...


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## overmyer (Aug 15, 2013)

jdavis10 said:


> Their not use seeing a foreigner around... So their very nosebleed, very old fashioned, and dont like touching, hugging, kissing, etc. I can work on not doing that but truly it gets frustrating her trying to force entire culture on me, then she got the nerve other day to tell me "Americans dont change to filipino culture when they come U.S. then she told me I should adapt to culture there which I have and done already. She is trying to force all this down on me maybe she needs a filipino boyfriend who uses the catholic religion and that follows as she likes. She likes a man with big appetite (filipinos do). She wants guy who has weight on him, She wants guy who lives and breathes tagalog language and culture. I guess she isnt ready for foreign bf. She always says this stuff to me too


Definably sounds like a one sided relationship! Granted that she's contending with not just her family and friends but also neighborhood gossip but seeing as you're willing to move here for her, if she truly loved you, none of that would matter and she would accept you for you! Time to cut her loose and walk away.
If she decides that she really wants the relationship, she'll come to you but at this point...


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## M.C.A. (Feb 24, 2013)

*Relationship*



jdavis10 said:


> Their not use seeing a foreigner around... So their very nosebleed, very old fashioned, and dont like touching, hugging, kissing, etc. I can work on not doing that but truly it gets frustrating her trying to force entire culture on me, then she got the nerve other day to tell me "Americans dont change to filipino culture when they come U.S. then she told me I should adapt to culture there which I have and done already. She is trying to force all this down on me maybe she needs a filipino boyfriend who uses the catholic religion and that follows as she likes. She likes a man with big appetite (filipinos do). She wants guy who has weight on him, She wants guy who lives and breathes tagalog language and culture. I guess she isnt ready for foreign bf. She always says this stuff to me too


She might want a more muscular guy but no a heavy guy I don't think she's into that sure sounds like a challenge, you should ask her what she likes about you and just get it over with make her come clean on whats going on so you both of your eyes wide open and know or accept the direction.


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## Billfish (Apr 13, 2013)

jdavis, the only advice I will offer is that you ask relationship advice from people you trust who know both you and Anne as opposed to a public forum.


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## raconnor (Oct 30, 2012)

I think you are using the forum to do nothing but whine and complain and justify your choice to move on which is lame to me. You are already leaning on getting out of dodge, you don't need to try and validate it by having the other expats tell you to leave. 

It seems really obvious to me that she wants someone to give her money and that be the end of it. You have said a few times that you don't earn a lot and you are OK with living an extremely humble, possibly poor, life. You come from a humble background and it's something you are happy with. 

...But if you honestly think that any Filipina is with a foreigner and doesn't want to move up the socioeconomic ladder, you're confused. If she was truly ok with being poor, if she was truly ok with sticking to every custom of the Philippines, etc. she would NOT be with you. She would be with a Filipino. 

What separates you from any other Filipino to her? The distance you two have to overcome makes it harder, the language barrier makes it harder, the cultural differences make it harder. So why would she want to be with you? Because you can make her some money. 

It might be a hard pill to swallow, but that's just the way I see it. She wants you to be the provider, you to give her a leisurely life, and you to do everything. You're foreign, in her mind it's EASY for you to make money. At least that's what the though process is here. That's what her family tells her. That's what her friends tell her, "Pssst...hoy...Anne... libre mo kami... kano yung buffie mo" (hey Anne, treat us, you have an American boyfriend).

She might not have made it clear when you first came to visit because she didn't want to risk scaring you off, but now that you've come back the second time she can be more open. She expects more money... Nothing too opulent, maybe, but she wants financial security or she wouldn't have gone with a foreigner. 

As far as all of the cultural things, I make a compromise. I don't do "amen" and put anyone's hand to my forehead, but I do what I can to say "o po" or "hindi po" every once in a while to the parents. I'm pretty young so my in-laws are very much my elder so I show them some respect out of that, but I make it clear that some cultural borders I do not cross.


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