# Partner won't learn the lingo



## anneel (May 24, 2018)

Hi all, 

So I'm looking for some advice, especially if someone has been on either side of this problem. 

We moved here almost 2 years ago, and while we've had some ups and downs its generally been awesome. So awesome in fact that we are looking to stay and maybe even have kids here! 

There's just one thing that really annoys and frightens me though, in that my otherwise amazing partner has basically given up trying to learn the language. 

Some context : 

I had some spanish when we arrived, enough to get the NIE sorted etc, but not enough to make friends. He had almost nothing to start from. At the begginning we went to classes, but then had to cancel them due to an illness, which has certainly been a factor. Both our jobs are in English and we live in Barca, so there are many, many expats and a huge international scene. 

So my partner has joined various music clubs, which has always been his passion, he has made loads of awesome friends and even started a jazz night of his own, he very happy and I am very proud of him for this. 

However for mself, I have always strongly felt I wanted to integrate and make local friends, and I have worked very hard to improve my Spanish and join in activities where I could meet local people. This is finally paying off, and as my abilitites improve I am starting to make local friends (at last!). But I am worried now that our paths will diverge and my partner will not be able to hang out with my new friends, which would make me very sad. 

At the minute his spanish has regressed to the level where they can't even deal with a complicated restaurant situation, and we're trying to get pregnant now, but he seems unfazed by this and I have seen no new improvements or motivations in this regard. 

I don't really know what to to, they are very busy, and happy and I can't bring it up without making them feel bad, but right now I feel like we're headed for trouble. If I'm honest, I'm also pretty annoyed that they haven't made more of an effort... Any advice or similar experiences would be greatly recieved!

Anne


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## xabiaxica (Jun 23, 2009)

anneel said:


> Hi all,
> 
> So I'm looking for some advice, especially if someone has been on either side of this problem.
> 
> ...


:welcome:

It's very common. One partner makes the effort & learns Spanish, but the other doesn't.

I see it all the time. a couple will book classes together, & it's clear from the start that one is only there to keep the other company but has no real desire to learn & certainly has no intention of putting in the effort. 

They don't fall out over it. The uninterested one usually just gives up while the keen one continues. 

I really can't give you any advice as to how to make him learn Spanish. I used get frustrated with my late husband for the same reason. I never managed to persuade him to learn, despite me being a Spanish teacher! 

Even without the language difference you'd probably have different friends & interests, wouldn't you? As long as you have some in common, I wouldn't let it spoil things .


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## Megsmum (Sep 9, 2012)

Totally agree

Our friend here are mainly Spanish. My husband speaks very limited Spanish they still manage to communicate and enjoy his and my company. 

It is frustrating when one party doesn’t learn the language, it not everyone feels comfortable speaking another language my other half gets embarrassed very easily if he makes a mistake, me I don’t care I just plod on. Different strokes for different folks. I wouldn’t get too worked up about it. If you’re both happy here then what does it matter


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## Isobella (Oct 16, 2014)

A strong partnership should be able to withstand it. I don't think it is healthy for couples to be joined at the hip. We have always had a lot of different interests and varied friends. The only problem for me would be if my partner was chattering away to Spanish friends and I couldn't follow it would be a boring evening. I have a friend who has been married to a Chilean woman for over 30 years and he still only speaks a few words of Spanish. He says when they go to visit her family he takes a lot of books:laugh:

One snag is that you will always be the one who has to sort things out. Husband doesn't speak much so it means being almost his pa. ha ha.


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## Overandout (Nov 10, 2012)

I share Isobella's view that not being able to follow a conversation makes things very dull. 

That usually leads to unhappiness and blame on the host country in general.

FO that reason I think it depends on, and illustrates, the mentality of the person in the host country. I think that if the person has a "real" intention of making the place home, there should really be an inherent interest in learning the language.

If the OP's partner lost his English speaking job, would he stay or would he return to the UK?

When I lived in Thailand I made little attempt to learn anything more than basic Thai because I knew that eventually I would leave, but here in Spain my view is totally different (this is exactly why I say I was an expat in Thailand but an immigrant in Spain).


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## Hepa (Apr 2, 2018)

I had that problem, Bosslady used to shout ,"Turn that crap off," when I played tapes in my car. We then became friends with a couple who spoke almost no English, and we moved to El Hierro, where there are maybe 10 U.K. residents on the entire Island so English is rarely used.

Bosslady has taken lessons, made many friends and now, dammit if I am having a conversation, she blooming well interrupts and takes over.

I am at the moment contemplating Mandarin and if I were 50+ years younger, I would run off with a beautiful Chinese maiden, ah memories........ I was once a crew member of a P&O ship that sailed between London and Hong Kong.

So in view of all that there are distinct advantages to your partner not learning Spanish :tape2: :laugh:


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## angkag (Oct 29, 2013)

An issue of co-dependence creeps in too, where the better you get at Spanish, the more he tunes out with the comfort that you can handle it all. You're now his official translator ! Just relax and enjoy the role - he needs you more now than he ever did !


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## anneel (May 24, 2018)

Wow! Thanks for all the replies all! 

That's reassuring to hear in general, we have always had different friends, but we've always enjoyed hanging out with each others groups, and I would hate to feel he wouldn't feel comfortable hanging out with my friends.

Overandout - I think one problem is that we arrived thinking we'd only stay a bit and now we are making longer term plans (or trying to), so our 'philosphy' of being here is changing, although it's hard imagining never going back to where the family are etc, but that's another story...

Angkag - I don't really like being depended on like that, I like him being independant! Having to do all the talking all the time is annoying! 

I suppose I should just chill out, when he starts going to more things with my new spanish friends where he can't talk to anyone then that might be a motivator. I guess at some point we'll have to decide if we want to stay long term and raise kids here or go back to brexitland. Having kids without him being able to speak the language is also a worrying thought, but maybe that will be a motivator. 

I was thinking to start learning Catalan soon, so maybe we could both start at the bottom with that, but if he isn't motivated to do it I guess it'll be just the same as before... Ho hum!


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## Overandout (Nov 10, 2012)

anneel said:


> Overandout - I think one problem is that we arrived thinking we'd only stay a bit and now we are making longer term plans (or trying to), so our 'philosphy' of being here is changing, although it's hard imagining never going back to where the family are etc, but that's another story...
> 
> 
> I suppose I should just chill out, when he starts going to more things with my new spanish friends where he can't talk to anyone then that might be a motivator. I guess at some point we'll have to decide if we want to stay long term and raise kids here or go back to brexitland. Having kids without him being able to speak the language is also a worrying thought, but maybe that will be a motivator.
> ...


Your change of plans are not something that has ever happened to me so it's true that my experiences probably count for little in your situation. But I think you are identifying the right key points. And letting things take their course is possibly the best option.

I still get pangs of guilt when my kids ask me if I know any tongue twisters because the need to write one for their homework, and I don't know any in Spanish... 

Apparently Peter Piper picked peppers isn't acceptable, even translated to "Pedro Gaitero recogió pimientos"


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## Leper (May 12, 2010)

HI Anne, Learning perfect Spanish was always going to be trying for us, but when we got into the nitty gritty of Spanish we found that it is a relatively easy language to learn. My wife and I speak Irish (we're Irish) and believe me once you learned to speak Irish other languages become simple to learn. Your partner will learn at his own pace and when he feels like it. Don't try to force him to learn; this is probably one of the worst things you can do. Let him feel for the language himself and you can help by being a good example and not "listen to my perfect Spanish, you dumb-ass" kind of approach. The Irish language was nearly killed this way. Once your partner enjoys the experience, he will learn and I bet he will be proficient in a relatively short time.


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## cermignano (Feb 9, 2017)

Do you have to have some form of the language to be a Spanish citizen?


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## Patico (Sep 24, 2017)

cermignano said:


> Do you have to have some form of the language to be a Spanish citizen?


In a word Yes to *become* a Spanish Citizen see as follows

Spanish nationality tests â€” Spanish in Spain â€” fedele.org

"A DELE certificate showing a minimum CEFR A2 in Spanish (not a requirement for applicants whose native language is Spanish). These exams cost between €100 and €200 depending on the level you wish to examine for.

A CCSE exam certificate or prueba de conocimientos constitucionales y socioculturales, which is a 25-question multiple choice exam testing general knowledge of Spanish culture and laws. The cost is 85€ and is administered by official Instituto Cervantes examination centers about once every month. Expect your exam results in three weeks."


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## Rabbitcat (Aug 31, 2014)

Anne ditch him

What you need is an ugly overweight Irishman with some of his own teeth and a rather flash 27 year old Ford Fiesta. I learned some time ago to keep the ladies happy in Spain you need to know the lingo. 

So as they say in Madrid tell Mr no learn - bonjour- and give me a shout.

Bon journo for now

Ps forgot to ask are you rich and do you have a newer car than mine?

Pps please send photo of your car


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## Williams2 (Sep 15, 2013)

Rabbitcat said:


> Anne ditch him
> 
> What you need is an ugly overweight Irishman with some of his own teeth and a rather flash 27 year old Ford Fiesta. I learned some time ago to keep the ladies happy in Spain you need to know the lingo.
> 
> ...


True although understanding the language helps, you will always find Ford Fiesta owners are pretty reliable.


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## Elyles (Aug 30, 2012)

anneel said:


> Hi all,
> 
> 
> 
> ...




There are many in the South that don’t bother with the language because of the large Expat communities. It is my opinion that when someone moves here that they should become part of the culture. It’s a shame that some refuse to do so because they are depriving themselves of personal growth. Some are just lazy and others fearful of change.

Where we live very few speak English. We actually prefer it that way. We travel with groups of Spaniards as well as live with them daily In regards to your problem in the end, it is your partner’s choice. Sorry


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## Megsmum (Sep 9, 2012)

Elyles said:


> There are many in the South that don’t bother with the language because of the large Expat communities. It is my opinion that when someone moves here that they should become part of the culture. It’s a shame that some refuse to do so because they are depriving themselves of personal growth. Some are just lazy and others fearful of change.
> 
> Where we live very few speak English. We actually prefer it that way. We travel with groups of Spaniards as well as live with them daily In regards to your problem in the end, it is your partner’s choice. Sorry
> 
> ...


Can I please comment on many posts here. My husbands language skills are sketchy to say the least. He is neither lazy or fearful of change. In our region, there are very few English, less 100 in the whole region, very few locals in fact hardly any, speak English. My husband, finds learning a language difficult, he is not stupid, lazy or is not trying. He has a smattering and “gets by”. We are engaged with the local community, we probably see fellow Brits twice maybe three times a year if that. Whilst I can speak Spanish, albeit gender and verb conjugated confused  we both manage to communicate and have friends, in fact, my husband has said on many occasions, he’d rather spend an evening with Spanish friends only understanding part of the conversation that an evening with British friends with whom he has little in common and probably not be friends with in the U.k. 

How one intergrates into a culture is down to the individual, those people who live in Expat communities would not have chosen to live here in Extremadura as I wouldn’t chose to live on an expat urbanization next to an English Pub. Neither way is right and neither way is wrong. If the OP partner chooses not to learn then that’s his decision, surely the issue is that he’s established a life for himself and is presumably working and contributing that way.


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## Elyles (Aug 30, 2012)

Megsmum said:


> Can I please comment on many posts here. My husbands language skills are sketchy to say the least. He is neither lazy or fearful of change. In our region, there are very few English, less 100 in the whole region, very few locals in fact hardly any, speak English. My husband, finds learning a language difficult, he is not stupid, lazy or is not trying. He has a smattering and “gets by”. We are engaged with the local community, we probably see fellow Brits twice maybe three times a year if that. Whilst I can speak Spanish, albeit gender and verb conjugated confused  we both manage to communicate and have friends, in fact, my husband has said on many occasions, he’d rather spend an evening with Spanish friends only understanding part of the conversation that an evening with British friends with whom he has little in common and probably not be friends with in the U.k.
> 
> 
> 
> How one intergrates into a culture is down to the individual, those people who live in Expat communities would not have chosen to live here in Extremadura as I wouldn’t chose to live on an expat urbanization next to an English Pub. Neither way is right and neither way is wrong. If the OP partner chooses not to learn then that’s his decision, surely the issue is that he’s established a life for himself and is presumably working and contributing that way.




Good for him. I figured you were British by your location. I think we can count on two hands the amount of British here. At times I would have rather lived in an English or Scottish pub because the beer is better than here. Was your topic searching for insight in encouraging your other half to learn more? 

Although I studied some Spanish in high school and in undergraduate school as well as lived in Texas over 30years I was ill prepared when we moved here six years ago. My wife could speak none and I knew the basics. In our community we had the opportunity to enroll in Español para los Extranjeros at the Adult School for free for four years. We went as far as the instructor could take us then went on our own. I can never understand all of what is said but do for most of it. My wife gets along well in the community now, meeting with friends and doing English readings with children. 

The only thing I miss here is good Mexican food. I refuse to travel to the us mainly due to politics right now so volunteer with Protección Civil, as well as attend drawing and painting classes. It beats the hell out of working.


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## Rabbitcat (Aug 31, 2014)

Megsmum said:


> Can I please comment on many posts here. My husbands language skills are sketchy to say the least. He is neither lazy or fearful of change. In our region, there are very few English, less 100 in the whole region, very few locals in fact hardly any, speak English. My husband, finds learning a language difficult, he is not stupid, lazy or is not trying. He has a smattering and “gets by”. We are engaged with the local community, we probably see fellow Brits twice maybe three times a year if that. Whilst I can speak Spanish, albeit gender and verb conjugated confused  we both manage to communicate and have friends, in fact, my husband has said on many occasions, he’d rather spend an evening with Spanish friends only understanding part of the conversation that an evening with British friends with whom he has little in common and probably not be friends with in the U.k.
> 
> How one intergrates into a culture is down to the individual, those people who live in Expat communities would not have chosen to live here in Extremadura as I wouldn’t chose to live on an expat urbanization next to an English Pub. Neither way is right and neither way is wrong. If the OP partner chooses not to learn then that’s his decision, surely the issue is that he’s established a life for himself and is presumably working and contributing that way.


Some excellent points and I think you are right on the money. There can be an almost snobbishness amongst ex pats re those who can speak Spanish and even re the time it can take to pick it up amongst those who chose to learn it

I am slogging away at an online learning app but can concur entirely re your husband's outlook about preferring being with some Spanish even without the lingo over being with fellow English speakers with whom you have little in common- never understand the idea some have that if you share a native language you should spend time together

With my strong Belfast accent I have the best/ worst of both worlds as my Spanish is limited yet many of the English people cannot understand me either!!!


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## jonny512379 (Oct 24, 2017)

The way i (or we) look at it is:
If we hear someone in the UK, that has been living here for years, and can not speak English, i see this as rude and deliberately not integrating. I would not like to be that person in Spain.

Neither of us speak much Spanish yet, but during a 2 week holiday (2 weeks ago) we learnt enough to be polite + a few other useful words.
We are now semi moving over to Spain next week and one of our first plans is to find some Spanish lessons, so we can at very least hold a conversation and show willing to integrate into our second home country. i feel this is the least we can do to show our gratitude for being allowed to live there. 
I hope we dont find it too difficult to learn Spanish.... time will tell...

I would assume speaking Spanish will open many more doors for us too! As the area we have chosen will not have many English speakers either!
No offence meant to any none Spanish speakers (myself included!) of course, just my thoughts and reasons for wanting to learn....

Jon & Marianne


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## Patico (Sep 24, 2017)

I agree with your sentiments, however, some people do find learning a second language far easier than others. I know a chap who has lived her for over fifteen years and has attended lesson after lesson and still only has a very basic grasp, yet his wife was pretty much fluent within 18 months, on the other hand he can complete a Rubiks cube in around a minute, where as his wife simply can't do it.!! Everyones brain is wired differently.


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## Williams2 (Sep 15, 2013)

Could the problem of learning a new language, particularly amongst retiring British Expats be an age related handicap.
No doubt children are the most adaptable at acquiring and learning new languages & the same is true 
for students in their teens and the 20 somethings whereas those British Expats who have lived and
worked in the UK for most of their adult life and never gone further than the Isle of Wight or
holidayed abroad much except in English speaking tour groups. Will have a huge uphill struggle
learning languages from scratch, unless they acquired some grounding in foreign langauges in
their early adult life.


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## Megsmum (Sep 9, 2012)

Patico said:


> I agree with your sentiments, however, some people do find learning a second language far easier than others. I know a chap who has lived her for over fifteen years and has attended lesson after lesson and still only has a very basic grasp, yet his wife was pretty much fluent within 18 months, on the other hand he can complete a Rubiks cube in around a minute, where as his wife simply can't do it.!! Everyones brain is wired differently.



EXACTLY. It’s not a case of not wanting to learn, integrate or showing gratitude etc etc inclusing all the other sweeping statements, for some it’s just not that easy. 



Williams2 said:


> Could the problem of learning a new language, particularly amongst retiring British Expats be an age related handicap.
> No doubt children are the most adaptable at acquiring and learning new languages & the same is true
> for students in their teens and the 20 somethings whereas those British Expats who have lived and
> worked in the UK for most of their adult life and never gone further than the Isle of Wight or
> ...


No, I know of an 75 year old ex pat who has picked up the language very quickly, others in their 50’s struggle. 

My husbands met his closest friend EVER , here in Spain, neither speaks the others language with any great capability, both enjoy each other’s company, can be heard laughing and joking when working together.


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## Isobella (Oct 16, 2014)

Wherever we go I always try to learn a bit of the language before. Just seems polite. I don't know how it it possible to find out what you have in common if you don't have a decent command of a language. If just odd words it is just clinking of glasses and frantic face and hand gestures with the usual bueno, bien, etc. My nephew married an Italian and we went to the wedding in Milan, it was hard work for a few hours

When you speak Spanish one has to be careful in Expatica land as you get landed with all sorts of jobs, making phone calls for people, hospital visits etc.

One of my relatives, now dead was in a concentration camp and somehow acquired an English mini dictionary. He started at the beginning and tried to work his way through it. His accent was crap though. ha ha.


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## ivorra (Sep 24, 2008)

anneel said:


> Wow! Thanks for all the replies all!
> 
> That's reassuring to hear in general, we have always had different friends, but we've always enjoyed hanging out with each others groups, and I would hate to feel he wouldn't feel comfortable hanging out with my friends.
> 
> ...


I think if you are living in Barcelona and intend to stay long term and even more so if you intend to raise a family, that your idea of learning Catalan is the right one. All the state schools teach in Catalan, the gossip at the school gate is in Catalan, the 'AFA' (Association of Families and Pupils) will operate in Catalan and all the written material, official and unofficial, you receive from school (including most of your child's work) will be in Catalan. Speaking as a long term resident (18 years), and an Englishman who has never easily learnt or felt comfortable with Spanish, learning Catalan was a revelation to me. Although it is a more complex language grammatically, once having mastered the basic rules of pronunciation, I found I got on much better than I did with Spanish. My wife was always the one who handled the Spanish and was for a while my 'interpreter' to some extent but by my learning Catalan, the partnership became a bit more equal again. (Now she is also studying Catalan).
You will find that as a foreigner who uses Catalan in daily life in Barcelona that you will get a lot of respect and that generally things run a lot more smoothly than if you can only speak Spanish.


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## Alinaga (Sep 11, 2017)

I would like to suggest one more option from my own experience of Learning Italian, in the process of growing my daughther. When one has a child in a Foreign country, the motivation to learn Language increases, because one has to take wide responsibilities (taking child to a doctor, explain her symptoms, agree about visits of other children, parties, etc.). Additionally, parents have to talk to other children, e.g. in kindergarden, and children have a Perfect simple Language, easy to understand and to copy in a way. So, I suggest this for future, as Your partner can take time of caring about a child, and this will motivate him. By the way, I find now that knowing Italian it is simpler to learn Spanish, but I miss the same motivation in the absence of small children.


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## Chopera (Apr 22, 2013)

Alinaga said:


> I would like to suggest one more option from my own experience of Learning Italian, in the process of growing my daughther. When one has a child in a Foreign country, the motivation to learn Language increases, because one has to take wide responsibilities (taking child to a doctor, explain her symptoms, agree about visits of other children, parties, etc.). Additionally, parents have to talk to other children, e.g. in kindergarden, and children have a Perfect simple Language, easy to understand and to copy in a way. So, I suggest this for future, as Your partner can take time of caring about a child, and this will motivate him. By the way, I find now that knowing Italian it is simpler to learn Spanish, but I miss the same motivation in the absence of small children.


While I agree this applies to the OP's situation, I actually found my Spanish got worse when we had kids because I had to speak English to them. Before that I had got used to speaking Spanish nearly all the time, at work and at home. Suddenly I had to start switching between languages, which is something I've always struggled with.


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## Leper (May 12, 2010)

We have a saying in Ireland for hundreds of years i.e "More Irish than the Irish Themselves" - When Brits move to Ireland (there are some who just don't do like us e.g. chasing the sun) all of them become engrossed in Irish sport, Irish music and where applicable the Irish language. Like I said in an earlier post, learning Irish is trying and needs loads of practice and usage. But, the Brits do it and gain much respect in the process. They actually become more Irish than us. So somebody decides not to put any effort into learning Spanish while living in Spain. Let them do whatever they want to do or want not to do. Nothing you say or do will contribute to them learning, so lead by example only. An English only speaking business person in Spain is immediately reducing his earning potential. 

Make the effort and the locals appreciate that effort. Don't and pay the price!


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