# Kahn Mak Advice Please Guys!



## Thairish (Apr 13, 2009)

Hi Guys,

Getting married in BKK in December. 

I have a couple of questions I hope you can help with concerning the Kahn Mak ceremony. 

When the groom's party gets ready to go through the "gates" how many gates are there usually? Is it usually family members only, or can anyone join in? Is it acceptable to limit the number of gates or is it against protocol? I am just curious as I am trying to understand what usually happens and how long it takes to get through.

Concerning the negotiation that I have to undertake at each gate, I know this involves giving money etc. How does this work in your experience? I understand that it probably varies from wedding to wedding, but how much does money on average it normally take to get through each gate? Also, should I have the money in envelopes? I want to make sure I bring enough so I can make it to the final one!

On the subject of the "gates" is the money very important, or is it as I imagine, a more symbolic offering? Do people really, in your experience, care about the money, or is it just for fun? Again I want to ensure that I have everything in place and have enough with me.

Many thanks in advance for your help with these questions guys.

Steve


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## King Silk (Feb 25, 2009)

Congrats Pal. Hope it works out well for you.
I cannot advise you on the ins and outs of this ceremony.
All I CAN say is this - The money in Thailand is NEVER 'Just for fun'.......

I hope that your Fiancée loves YOU, and NOT just your money.
But be sure of this. Her relatives love your money Buster! NOT YOU!!!

Sorry, but I have been here for quite a long time, and know a thing or two about such things.

Please, be careful, or you may be financially skinned alive.

I wish more than anything I didn't have to warn you......Good Luck!


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## KhwaamLap (Feb 29, 2008)

Wow, congrats. 

I have been to several Thai weddings (including my own) ad don't know anything about gates. The only money I have seen at weddings is the Sin Sot (laid out to show off basically - often given back to the couple after the wedding) and the money the guests give in little envelopes usually 99 or 999 baht or some similar '9' sequence - for luck. 

What area are you getting married in? I was married in BKK and attended in CM and Lumpang, but Isaan has a lot of Laos customs, so may be different - the same is true with the far south.


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## Thairish (Apr 13, 2009)

KhwaamLap said:


> Wow, congrats.
> 
> I have been to several Thai weddings (including my own) ad don't know anything about gates. The only money I have seen at weddings is the Sin Sot (laid out to show off basically - often given back to the couple after the wedding) and the money the guests give in little envelopes usually 99 or 999 baht or some similar '9' sequence - for luck.
> 
> What area are you getting married in? I was married in BKK and attended in CM and Lumpang, but Isaan has a lot of Laos customs, so may be different - the same is true with the far south.


Thanks Lap and Silk for info. Much appreciated. We are getting married in Bangkok but her family is originally of Chiang Mai and Hainan mix. Seems to be a prelude to the Dowry portion and Groom has to negotiate the gates (guarded by increasingly elder family members) en route. seems like fun, and apparently is an extenstion of the traditional Kahn Mak, and I'm looking forward to it.

Silk, I appreciate the advice re the money, and I am aware of situations similar to this happening; however both my fiance and I have been living in the states for a number of years, and she earns probably more than I do!! We are both travelling back to Thailand to celebrate the wedding after which we will be returning to the states. her family in BKK also, is far from the poverty line, so I hope that I am not been dragged in for my purse.. I don't think I'd be able to impress them!! 

Appreciate the advice,

Best regards,

Thairish


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## KhwaamLap (Feb 29, 2008)

I gave a dowry (sin sot). My wife's father was a Navy officer and her mum owned a small buiness, so money was not a big issue. The money was spent on the wedding party and the rest returned to my wife. Its usually just for display anyway (assuming not a gold digger family). I bought them some things for the house with the remainder, not requested, but I hadn't expected to get it back anyway. An American Fridgefreezer, aircon unit, etc. This went down well.

I asked my wife how much I should give in Sin Sot and she shrugged saying, "Whatever you want?". I thought this quite dangerous as how could I guess an amount that would not be insulting without some kind of guide - and I also didn't want to be skinted either. In the end I got her to ask her parent and we agreed on a sum - which I doubled (it was a fairly small amount compared to what I imagined it to be - following some horror stories I had heard).


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## Thairish (Apr 13, 2009)

KhwaamLap said:


> I gave a dowry (sin sot). My wife's father was a Navy officer and her mum owned a small buiness, so money was not a big issue. The money was spent on the wedding party and the rest returned to my wife. Its usually just for display anyway (assuming not a gold digger family). I bought them some things for the house with the remainder, not requested, but I hadn't expected to get it back anyway. An American Fridgefreezer, aircon unit, etc. This went down well.
> 
> I asked my wife how much I should give in Sin Sot and she shrugged saying, "Whatever you want?". I thought this quite dangerous as how could I guess an amount that would not be insulting without some kind of guide - and I also didn't want to be skinted either. In the end I got her to ask her parent and we agreed on a sum - which I doubled (it was a fairly small amount compared to what I imagined it to be - following some horror stories I had heard).


Interesting, sounds pretty similar to my situation. It's been suggested that the dowry money is given to the Father to pay for the wedding, which I am more than happy to do. Doesn't bother me who thinks who pays for the thing as long as the guests show up. right?! 

Re the gifting, I had assumed that the dowry was all a show (depending of course on the familys involved) and as I am quickly learning, for me to assume anything about Thai Culture is a huge mistake waiting to happen! I thought that my fiance and I paying for the whole thing releived her fathers burden of having to pay for it. I see now that outlaying an additional few quid on some gifts for the family may count in my favour in the long run. Best to keep the in-laws happy!

Thanks for the advice, will put it into practice.

best 

Thairish


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## King Silk (Feb 25, 2009)

I am afraid that I have only been associated with the poor ie money grabbing end of the market.

Got married in the Amphur ie Registry Office. Then my wife wanted to do the village thing. So I said OK and asked how much. She said "Up to you". So I suggested "75000bht. She agreed. But her Mama wanted 250000bht. So I told her to get knotted! Result was no Village Wedding......I was glad about this, as I hate all that nonsense anyway.


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## kalpattaya (Apr 14, 2009)

Hi Thairish,

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## King Silk (Feb 25, 2009)

KhwaamLap said:


> Wow, congrats.
> 
> I have been to several Thai weddings (including my own) ad don't know anything about gates. The only money I have seen at weddings is the *Sin Sot (laid out to show off basically - often given back to the couple after the wedding) and the *money the guests give in little envelopes usually 99 or 999 baht or some similar '9' sequence - for luck.
> 
> What area are you getting married in? I was married in BKK and attended in CM and Lumpang, but Isaan has a lot of Laos customs, so may be different - the same is true with the far south.


*A Sin Sot Story.*

Bride: "It's just for show darling. They will give it back after the ceremony."
Groom " Really? Oh let's make it impressive then. Say half a million Bht"
Bride" Up to you Darling".

*After the wedding ceremony in the village*.......

Groom: "That was fantastic. When do I get the money back Darling?"
Bride "Mama will give it to you later Sweetheart".

A week Later.....NO MONEY!
A Month Later...NO MONEY!
Need I say more?


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