# Stupid Guilt. :(



## dgarstang

Hi everyone.

I'm sure there's quite a lot of posts like this, and my situation is nothing different to anyone elses I suppose. I came to the US 22 years ago from Australia. My father, who still lives in Australis is 79. My sister also lives in Australia about a 2hr drive from him, and she is 41. I just turned 50.

My fathers health is good for his age. I typically go back to Australia every year for a month or so, although covid meant I could not go back in 2020 and 2021.

I have constant feelings of guilt. I'm about to buy a wonderful new house here in the US. My first. I've owned condo's previously, but this is my first single family home and it's a dream house. Prior to covid I was considering going back to Australia, but when covid came, i guess to be honest, I was a little relieved, because the decision was taken out my control for a while. Over time I sort of just decided to stay in the US. Now I am about to buy a brand new house.

I fear that after I take ownership of the house, something will happen to force my father to suddenly need support from me. I fear the worst case scenario (I'm a worrier) that if I have to go back to Australia to look after him, that I won't be able to keep my job, I'll lose the house etc etc etc. Disaster thinking I suppose, right? I can't help it though.

My partner isn't much support. Her family lives a few hours drive away. Her father passed away but her mother is still alive. She doesn't have a very good relationship with her mother, who, by her own description is a negative gossipy old bitch. I think this is why I don't get much support from her on this. If I said I needed to go back to Australia for a while to support my father, it would not be well received.

Anyway.... did I say I feel constant guilt? My father recently made my sister the executor of his will because she is still physically present in Australia. I understand why he did that. She is there. It would take me 24-48 hours to get back to Australia, best case scenario (and then my partner would give me a hard time for spending so much money on last minute airfare). 

Guilt..... guilt.... guilt....


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## Chrissippus

Your father has one adult child living close enough to assist him in the future. In the modern world a parent cannot reasonably expect more than that. You might need to be ready to provide financial support for him.


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## Bevdeforges

Chrissippus said more or less what I was going to say. In my case, I'm an only child living overseas. Sometimes you just have to adopt the mantra "All you do is all you can do." If you want to help out your father and sister, you could perhaps offer to take on something (managing bank accounts or other online services) online for your father. I know I handled all my Dad's financial affairs remotely after my mother died. He had set me up as a signer on his account during one of my visits back to the US to visit. 

And don't dump on your partner about a lack of support. It may be a good idea to just decide that each of you deals with their own family and leave it at that. Having a contentious relationship with her mother can be a difficult enough situation - whether or not there are other members of the family available to help on that score. Talk to your sister to see what you may be able to do online that would lighten things on her a bit. And if your father is willing, make sure he has access to email or whatever other online communication he feels comfortable using so that you can stay in touch with both him and your sister. It's possible to manage these sorts of situations remotely, even if not the ideal. But do try to do some planning with your sister so that expectations are managed. "All you can do is all you can do."


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