# Living away from our child.



## Anna101 (Nov 2, 2017)

After my last successful thread (Moving to Mexico with a teenager) I have been thinking about maybe leaving my child here (Lima) alone and move to Mexico with my husband. My son is going to 15 when we do it and he came up with the idea for this. I would have personally never have done this but he seems to really want it. Should I be worried about him doing something bad. We have been living here for a long time now ( 7 years) and he doesn't really want to move. He has now started to going to parties and making more friends. If we take him with us he would have to restart and I am worried it could set him back. What do you guys think about this idea? Would I be a bad parent if I left him alone (with monthly visits) or would it be worse to take his friends away?


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## Isla Verde (Oct 19, 2011)

Anna101 said:


> After my last successful thread (Moving to Mexico with a teenager) I have been thinking about maybe leaving my child here (Lima) alone and move to Mexico with my husband. My son is going to 15 when we do it and he came up with the idea for this. I would have personally never have done this but he seems to really want it. Should I be worried about him doing something bad. We have been living here for a long time now ( 7 years) and he doesn't really want to move. He has now started to going to parties and making more friends. If we take him with us he would have to restart and I am worried it could set him back. What do you guys think about this idea? Would I be a bad parent if I left him alone (with monthly visits) or would it be worse to take his friends away?



You're actually contemplating leaving a 15-year-old child on his own for several years? Sounds like a bad idea to me, but then I've never been a parent. Is he capable of taking care of himself on his own? Cooking meals, doing his laundry, cleaning up wherever he'd be living?, getting to school on time, not over-imbibing on alcoholic beverages on the weekend?


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## Anna101 (Nov 2, 2017)

*Responsibility*



Isla Verde said:


> You're actually contemplating leaving a 15-year-old child on his own for several years? Sounds like a bad idea to me, but then I've never been a parent. Is he capable of taking care of himself on his own? Cooking meals, doing his laundry, cleaning up wherever he'd be living?



At the moment he does not do a lot around the house, but that is probably because we are here and he doesn't have any need to do so. If we left him alone a maid would probably come once or twice a week to help with a few things but I do think he is capable of most things (Washing might not be one of those things). He will probably be pretty organized and clean because he likes it that way but has not done a good job at our current home. He can cook basic meals that would keep him nourished and I taught him to eat healthy so I don't think he will just start eating junk if we leave. The only things I am really worried about are him going to more parties and drinking more if we are not there. I don't think he will instantly start getting drunk everywhere but I could be mistaken. I would try my best to house him close to friends with responsible parents that I am friends with so I know he has someone to talk and be with in case something happens.


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## Isla Verde (Oct 19, 2011)

Anna101 said:


> The only things I am really worried about are him going to more parties and drinking more if we are not there. I don't think he will instantly start getting drunk everywhere but I could be mistaken. I would try my best to house him close to friends with responsible parents that I am friends with so I know he has someone to talk and be with in case something happens.


I can see your son's new apartment becoming his friends' favorite party venue on the weekend! Maybe you could find a family who would take him in as a boarder. That way he could stay in Lima with his friends (very important at his age), but with some adult supervision.


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## Anna101 (Nov 2, 2017)

*Friends*



Isla Verde said:


> I can see your son's new apartment becoming his friends' favorite party venue on the weekend! Maybe you could find a family who would take him in as a boarder. That way he could stay in Lima with his friends (very important at his age), but with some adult supervision.


I have been thinking of this as well, but I don't know if any parent would willingly take up another teenager. I could try and make him live close to a friend and give their parent a key but I don't think a 3 year sleepover is the best either, it could ruin their friend ship and could be annoying for the parents. We would probably try and visit him every 2 months and he could visit us every 2 or 3 months as well.


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## ojosazules11 (Nov 3, 2013)

I don’t think I’m an overprotective parent, but I would not leave a 15 year old alone in a different country for an extended period of time. I would consider leaving him with a family where he will be under parental supervision, with a signed _patria potestad _ giving the host parents parental authority in your absence. It’s not just about trusting him. Learning to live on your own, set your own limits, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. is challenging even for young adults. While I’m not saying it’s impossible for a 15-year-old to do, I think it’s a better idea to have them with a family. It can also be lonely living on your own, even with daily Skypeing and monthly visits. I also wonder what the legal age limit is in Peru for parents to leave their child living on their own. I’m pretty sure in Canada it’s 16 years old.

Several years ago we had a young Colombian teen living with us, because his parents had to return to Columbia for a couple of years and he wanted to finish high school here in Toronto. They were close friends of our family, so when they asked us if he could stay here we were happy to receive him. He was a delight to have with us, and we would do it again in a heartbeat. There were a few times during his senior year in high school where he had some difficult experiences, and I think it would’ve been really hard for him if he had been living on his own instead of in a family setting.

Personally, my first preference would be to take your son with you to Mexico. They grow up so fast as it is. But if it really seems the best option for him to remain in Peru, I would find a family willing to take him in, with payment for room and board. When we had our young Colombian “ward” with us, we all met (4 parents and the teen) and agreed on the ground rules (curfews, participating in household chores, etc.) It made it much easier for me, because if he wanted to do something that was outside the agreed upon parameters I was able to refer to the list. If not on the list and I wasn’t sure what his parents would say, we’d just check with them. He was/is a very grounded, solid young man, has since gotten his Masters in public policy, lived abroad for a year in France, and now has a great job. We still consider him part of our family.


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## Zorro2017 (Jan 9, 2017)

I wouldn't leave a 15 year old alone anywhere unsupervised. A lot can happen that you can't possibly anticipate. A teen having to move away from his friends is not appealing to the kid and he of course will try to circumvent this but it is in his best interest to bring him with his family. The mind of a 15 year old is not mature enough to make the right decisions left to their own.

In addition to this I think you would probably worry yourself sick every time you tried to call and he didn't answer because he was in the shower, asleep, etc.

It's tough being the parent sometime but that is why you are the adult and he is the child. You are his mother more than his friend, he will get over having to move and probably come to love Mexico, the girls here are very pretty.


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## Zorro2017 (Jan 9, 2017)

Another point to consider and I know you don't like thinking of your young son this way but let's be honest, a 15 year old boy has raging hormones. He may not show it to you but he has one thing on his mind a lot and it isn't fishing. I also think the house would become party central because of no parents being present. 

All it would take would be one party, one friend with a girl alone in another room making out that does not know how to take "No" for an answer and one angry parent to call the police. I don't know what the legal age of consent is there but an angry father wouldn't care.

Or just a noise disturbance due to loud music that results in the police being called. You could possibly be setting yourself up for child abandonment/endangerment charges, I'd check the laws there.

This may be an out for you so you don't feel bad about making him move also.


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## citlali (Mar 4, 2013)

I cannot imagine leaving a 15 year old to live alone if there are options.. So the kid does not want to move away from his friends , no kid like that but having to do things that you do not like is part of living..
Lots of things can happen and a 15 year old need supervision and parents around although he probably does not agree with that statement. Soon he will be old enough to go to college and then you can send him back to Lima if that is what he wants to do but until then I would move him like it or not.
Mexico City is whole lot more attractive and interesting than Lima and the climate is way better as well.
My Peruvian friend warned me not to be in the center in Lima after dark so Lima I guess has its bad spots too.


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## ojosazules11 (Nov 3, 2013)

*Are we being played here?*

I don't want to unfairly accuse Anna of anything, but we have had some experiences on this forum over the years where posters posted questions just to try to get some debate going on the thread. Generally in those cases my spidey sense was tingling, but I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. My spidey sense started tingling when the OPs profile indicates she is in Argentina, but now she's been living in Lima, Peru for the past couple of years... 

Really? Really? Would any parent in their right mind who has the financial resources to look after their child leave a 15 year old to live alone in a big city in a foreign country while the parents move elsewhere? I don't think so. Her original post on the previous Mexico City/Marijuana thread indicated her husband works in finance and is being moved to Mexico City. So if the 15 year old son really can't bear to be parted from his friends, then mom could stay with him in Lima and together they could travel monthly to visit dad. 

I've known of 15 year olds (and younger) who travelled from Central America and Mexico to the U.S. on their own, taking the hard route... Most were cases of "get drafted or killed by the gangs or take your risk going North". But somehow I think the OP and her family have plenty of choices, so no, I do not think anyone on this forum would say it's reasonable to leave a 15 year old to live on their own in a different country.


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## UrbanMan (Jun 18, 2015)

ojosazules11 said:


> My spidey sense started tingling when the OPs profile indicates she is in Argentina, but now she's been living in Lima, Peru for the past couple of years...


Your spidey sense could be correct. However, point of fact, there is a Lima in Argentina. It is near Zarate and Buenos Aires.



> Would any parent in their right mind who has the financial resources to look after their child leave a 15 year old to live alone in a big city in a foreign country while the parents move elsewhere? I don't think so.


The question does seem odd. Agree. Especially a parent whose question on the other thread had a tone of being protective and concerned about influences.


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## eastwind (Jun 18, 2016)

When I was 8 my parents moved. But I found them.


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## Isla Verde (Oct 19, 2011)

UrbanMan said:


> Your spidey sense could be correct. However, point of fact, there is a Lima in Argentina. It is near Zarate and Buenos Aires.


I just checked back on the other thread, and the OP clearly states that they have been living in Lima, Peru.


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## surabi (Jan 1, 2017)

ARE YOU SERIOUS OR IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE? You are honestly contemplating abandoning your son who is barely 15 in one country and moving to another? What kind of a parent would even consider such a thing? In Canada you'd go to jail for this. You'd be charged with child endangerment if you even left the country for a vacation and left your minor child alone. All because you don't want him to be upset about leaving his friends? Parenting is not a popularity contest. 
Personally, unless it was absolutely necessary, I would stay where you are, in Lima, because it is difficult for kids that age to leave their lives and friends. Move when he's old enough to be on his own. NOT 15. But you seem to only be focused on what you want, despite all your talk about your concern for him.


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## ojosazules11 (Nov 3, 2013)

surabi said:


> ARE YOU SERIOUS OR IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE? You are honestly contemplating abandoning your son who is barely 15 in one country and moving to another? What kind of a parent would even consider such a thing? In Canada you'd go to jail for this. You'd be charged with child endangerment if you even left the country for a vacation and left your minor child alone. All because you don't want him to be upset about leaving his friends? Parenting is not a popularity contest.
> Personally, unless it was absolutely necessary, I would stay where you are, in Lima, because it is difficult for kids that age to leave their lives and friends. Move when he's old enough to be on his own. NOT 15. But you seem to only be focused on what you want, despite all your talk about your concern for him.


Surabi, I have a hunch it is a sick joke and the OP is a prankster trying to get a rise out of us, since they seemed to be surprised at how civilized their previous “successful” thread remained. I initially responded civilly to this post, but the more I thought about it the more it didn’t ring true. I have an almost 15 year old, and if we go away even for the weekend I leave her with our close friends on the same block here in Toronto. Her almost 18 yr old brother stays at home - but still with some other close friends across the alley keeping an eye on him - they are like his second parents, as we are for their 2 teen boys.


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## Isla Verde (Oct 19, 2011)

ojosazules11 said:


> Surabi, I have a hunch it is a sick joke and the OP is a prankster trying to get a rise out of us, since they seemed to be surprised at how civilized their previous “successful” thread remained. I initially responded civilly to this post, but the more I thought about it the more it didn’t ring true. I have an almost 15 year old, and if we go away even for the weekend I leave her with our close friends on the same block here in Toronto. Her almost 18 yr old brother stays at home - but still with some other close friends across the alley keeping an eye on him - they are like his second parents, as we are for their 2 teen boys.


Sick joke, indeed, amiga. And how sad that some people have nothing better to do with their time.


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## ojosazules11 (Nov 3, 2013)

Isla Verde said:


> Sick joke, indeed, amiga. And how sad that some people have nothing better to do with their time.


Agreed.


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## chicois8 (Aug 8, 2009)

Might be like the Monkeys sang, "" Take the last train to trollville""


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## AnneLM (Aug 16, 2016)

When I was 17 and in high school I stayed behind so I could watch our family's very small business for a week while the rest of my family went on vacation. This was in the city of Chicago. I took the el to my aunt's house every night. Then when our own daughter was the same age she had a summer job as a lifeguard and was not able to take off for family vacations. We left her home alone while we traveled for a week. All the neighbors kept an eye out, and family friends took her out to eat, etc. This was in a suburban neighborhood. These were valuable experiences, but a far cry from leaving a 15 year old alone for an indefinite period time thousands of miles away.


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## lagoloo (Apr 12, 2011)

My Spidey sense is that the OP is a'trolling along to get a rise out of the audience. In that, it was a success.


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## AnneLM (Aug 16, 2016)

I am inclined to agree that the OP is a troll. However, it is possible she is not... I apologize in advance to any of her fellow countrymen/women for the following gross generality, but I did notice that she is originally from Germany. We once hosted a high school foreign exchange student from Germany and she educated us to the many ways her German parents, at least, allowed their children far more independence than any responsible US parents I know. For instance, we set her curfew at midnight and told her we expected her to call us if she was going to be out later than that. She told us that at home she and her friends would take the train into downtown Hamburg every weekend and party all night. "My parents would kill me if I called them," she told us. "They would be angry if I woke them up! They know I will be safe." But again, this is still different from leaving her in a foreign country for god knows how long with no adult supervision.


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## perropedorro (Mar 19, 2016)

AnneLM said:


> I did notice that she is originally from Germany. We once hosted a high school foreign exchange student from Germany and she educated us to the many ways her German parents, at least, allowed their children far more independence than any responsible US parents I know.


Good point. Other countries have different standards, and they've changed over time. Most folks of my generation remember being far more independent, while our parents' generation was often on their own at 16 or younger. IMO, modern American parenting is usually at one extreme or the other, with children either being turned loose at age 7 to roam the streets on autopilot--- or not being given any freedom or responsibility whatsoever, remaining totally helpless and clueless at age 20 (and beyond).


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## ElPocho (Aug 25, 2017)

Anna101 said:


> At the moment he does not do a lot around the house, but that is probably because we are here and he doesn't have any need to do so. If we left him alone a maid would probably come once or twice a week to help with a few things but I do think he is capable of most things (Washing might not be one of those things). He will probably be pretty organized and clean because he likes it that way but has not done a good job at our current home. He can cook basic meals that would keep him nourished and I taught him to eat healthy so I don't think he will just start eating junk if we leave. The only things I am really worried about are him going to more parties and drinking more if we are not there. I don't think he will instantly start getting drunk everywhere but I could be mistaken. I would try my best to house him close to friends with responsible parents that I am friends with so I know he has someone to talk and be with in case something happens.


As the father of a 17 and 19 year old sons, I can tell you that you will not have to worry about him going to parties. He won't be getting drunk everywhere. In my humble opinion the party is going to be at your house. Teenagers galore, your house will be a magnet for the biggest party animals in Lima. Your son is about have a social status equivalent to that of a rock star. 
If a crime is committed at any of the parties while you are out of the country, you could be held criminally liable, the press are going to have a great story. 

Again that is all my opinion, I don't really have a crystal ball 

This story below hit international news. In the eyes of the law, there is no difference between a 12 year old and a 15 year old. They are both minors.

https://www.stuff.co.nz/world/ameri...ome-alone-as-she-takes-12day-european-holiday


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## ElPocho (Aug 25, 2017)

ojosazules11 said:


> Surabi, I have a hunch it is a sick joke and the OP is a prankster trying to get a rise out of us, since they seemed to be surprised at how civilized their previous “successful” thread remained. I initially responded civilly to this post, but the more I thought about it the more it didn’t ring true. I have an almost 15 year old, and if we go away even for the weekend I leave her with our close friends on the same block here in Toronto. Her almost 18 yr old brother stays at home - but still with some other close friends across the alley keeping an eye on him - they are like his second parents, as we are for their 2 teen boys.


I fell for the prank !!! 
The joke's on me LOL...


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