# Should I go or stay??



## bfaye02

This may not be the place to talk about this but I need some advice and someone looking in may be a BIG help. I moved to Italy a year ago to be with the father of my three years old. At first it was okay, I went to school to learn the language (unsuccessfully) and got out to learn my new country. Then I started missing the States and slowly by slowly I withdrew into my home and mainly my bed. Things fell apart with my son's father and aLOT due to my own faults of crazyiness, it hasn't been good at all. Example, he took me to the mountains to meet some of his friends, I would hate them, cause a big blow out, and ended up taking the train home with our son. Which he nows throws in my face as an example of my madness, so please no one else do it I know it was TERRIBLE. I am going home next month and to tell you the truth, I am packing to not come back. He knows this and wouldn't do anything to stop me if I am so unhappy. My question is our son. He loves Italy, his dad, his nonna, zia, zio, school..etc etc etc. His italian has gotten so great (english not so much). I feel horrible taking him from here especially because of the last few month, my unhappiness has been created by myself. I want a committment of marriage but even I know a marriage between the two of us would fail in this condition..yet, I can't accept living together. I know I am unreasonable and un'po (a little) unstabled, I know I have a great good guy and father, and I know I should have inserted paragraphs for easier reading.


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## marzia

bfaye02 said:


> This may not be the place to talk about this but I need some advice and someone looking in may be a BIG help. I moved to Italy a year ago to be with the father of my three years old. At first it was okay, I went to school to learn the language (unsuccessfully) and got out to learn my new country. Then I started missing the States and slowly by slowly I withdrew into my home and mainly my bed. Things fell apart with my son's father and aLOT due to my own faults of crazyiness, it hasn't been good at all. Example, he took me to the mountains to meet some of his friends, I would hate them, cause a big blow out, and ended up taking the train home with our son. Which he nows throws in my face as an example of my madness, so please no one else do it I know it was TERRIBLE. I am going home next month and to tell you the truth, I am packing to not come back. He knows this and wouldn't do anything to stop me if I am so unhappy. My question is our son. He loves Italy, his dad, his nonna, zia, zio, school..etc etc etc. His italian has gotten so great (english not so much). I feel horrible taking him from here especially because of the last few month, my unhappiness has been created by myself. I want a committment of marriage but even I know a marriage between the two of us would fail in this condition..yet, I can't accept living together. I know I am unreasonable and un'po (a little) unstabled, I know I have a great good guy and father, and I know I should have inserted paragraphs for easier reading.


Your problem is not Italy, probably !

It is only for you to decide, is taking your son away going to possibly create legal problems in the future ?!

There are being some very notorious cases both in Italy and the UK ,in which parents 
have fought over their children , are you sure you would not be contested in the future ?

Hope other people will respond 

All the best

Marzia


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## sheilamarsco

perhaps a bit of backtracking might be a good idea? you say your son is three years old where was he born and did you meet your partner in the states or in italy? if you think back and consider what your life was like before you came to italy perhaps that might clear your mind as to what your expectations were and what your situation would be if you do go back. sad as it is for a little one not to have contact with his dad children of that age are remarkable resilient and within weeks would adapt to another lifestyle.


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## unclejoe

It's curious, but after having read your post I'm still not sure what you dislike about Italy so much that you want to leave. It just seems to be a general attitude.

Now, if you want to go and deal with the consequences, fine, but I'd suggest first off that you sit down with a piece of paper and work at precisely where the problem lies.

Is it the country? Is it your husband? Language? Work? 

Once you know what you're dealing with you can then either decide to remedy the situation or leave.


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## bfaye02

Sorry for being so unclear on my life in Italy. I think aLOT of it has been that now I sit here all day doing nothing. I worked in a hospital as a surgeons assistance in the States, and according to my mate, I would have been able to go back into it here, BUT that wasn't exactly true. Seems you need to be a nurse here. It's the language (but that's really my own fault). It's the always having to be with the 'family', it's the cooking from stratch, the shopping at different stores for different things, and the whole missing the States things. I have talked to other women about this and I realize that the adaption time is different for everyone, BUT now I have four days to figure it all out.

My son was born in the States. He has an American passport, ss #, birth cert., and though resident of Italy, still citizen of the States. If anyone has seen my son with his dad, you would see he's a daddy boy. He gets heart broken when daddy goes to sleep at nonna's house. That's still my problem.. WHEN do you put your needs above your child? I have four other kids in the States living with my ex hubby and one on her own (ages 22, 20, 18, 16)..I wouldn't have never moved to Italy without their blessing but you can't ask a 3 years old

I guess though, it's not really Italy all things considering of course I knew things wouldn't be as convient as it is in the States..with Walmarts, fast food heavens, and driving all over, but Italy does have aLOT of positive things. Even if Italy is not for me, my son loves it and that can't be overlooked...I think being resilient is great for a 3 years old. Let you know what happens in four days. Thanks for the ear.


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## litelfun

bfaye02 said:


> Sorry for being so unclear on my life in Italy. I think aLOT of it has been that now I sit here all day doing nothing. I worked in a hospital as a surgeons assistance in the States, and according to my mate, I would have been able to go back into it here, BUT that wasn't exactly true. Seems you need to be a nurse here. It's the language (but that's really my own fault). It's the always having to be with the 'family', it's the cooking from stratch, the shopping at different stores for different things, and the whole missing the States things. I have talked to other women about this and I realize that the adaption time is different for everyone, BUT now I have four days to figure it all out.
> 
> My son was born in the States. He has an American passport, ss #, birth cert., and though resident of Italy, still citizen of the States. If anyone has seen my son with his dad, you would see he's a daddy boy. He gets heart broken when daddy goes to sleep at nonna's house. That's still my problem.. WHEN do you put your needs above your child? I have four other kids in the States living with my ex hubby and one on her own (ages 22, 20, 18, 16)..I wouldn't have never moved to Italy without their blessing but you can't ask a 3 years old
> 
> I guess though, it's not really Italy all things considering of course I knew things wouldn't be as convient as it is in the States..with Walmarts, fast food heavens, and driving all over, but Italy does have aLOT of positive things. Even if Italy is not for me, my son loves it and that can't be overlooked...I think being resilient is great for a 3 years old. Let you know what happens in four days. Thanks for the ear.


Hallo  Sorry I dont live far from itally I licke to spend any free time their their verry strange race stubern and licke to shoute but they love their family and children they stick together its a lovely land give your relation ship a chance first lern the lingo chil aut if some thing mackes you mad just chil aut really your not giving your self a chance your man and your child I hope your still heir Good luck


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## bunty16

bfaye02 said:


> Sorry for being so unclear on my life in Italy. I think aLOT of it has been that now I sit here all day doing nothing. I worked in a hospital as a surgeons assistance in the States, and according to my mate, I would have been able to go back into it here, BUT that wasn't exactly true. Seems you need to be a nurse here. It's the language (but that's really my own fault). It's the always having to be with the 'family', it's the cooking from stratch, the shopping at different stores for different things, and the whole missing the States things. I have talked to other women about this and I realize that the adaption time is different for everyone, BUT now I have four days to figure it all out.
> 
> My son was born in the States. He has an American passport, ss #, birth cert., and though resident of Italy, still citizen of the States. If anyone has seen my son with his dad, you would see he's a daddy boy. He gets heart broken when daddy goes to sleep at nonna's house. That's still my problem.. WHEN do you put your needs above your child? I have four other kids in the States living with my ex hubby and one on her own (ages 22, 20, 18, 16)..I wouldn't have never moved to Italy without their blessing but you can't ask a 3 years old
> 
> I guess though, it's not really Italy all things considering of course I knew things wouldn't be as convient as it is in the States..with Walmarts, fast food heavens, and driving all over, but Italy does have aLOT of positive things. Even if Italy is not for me, my son loves it and that can't be overlooked...I think being resilient is great for a 3 years old. Let you know what happens in four days. Thanks for the ear.


Such a massive decision, it sounds like you feel quite isolated despite being with your partner, son and family. I know how you feel re language and I think if you mastered that you would feel better. Why not try a holiday to the state's, with or without your son, if you feel confident you will be able to go back to them and leave your son, it may be a good time to see if USA is still for you, or homesickness which affects our memories, and we can view with rose tinted glasses. It sounds like you live with your extended family, quite smothering if you are not used to it, have you considered buying/renting your own place? Plenty of affordable houses if you are willing to buy an older property. I think reading between the lines that you are reluctant to take your son away from his father, you need to think what is best for him, you describe being with his father/grandparents as good for him. If you do go alone you can keep in touch via web cam and skype, so he knows you have not abandoned him. I wish you well, please let me know how you get on? you can private message me if you like.


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## bfaye02

Thank you for your responses, it's still such a hard decision. I am current in the States and have been here for a little over two weeks. I love it here!! I've been so angry for so long and the last few months in Italy it has all really come to head. We do live in our own place, having discovered years ago while on vacation staying with his mom was not an option. I have decided to return to Italy though and yes, learning the language and getting back more of my independence is goal number 1. I am also going to join the International Women group so I can have my own set of friends. Hopefully this will help with not feeling so alone.


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## bunty16

bfaye02 said:


> Thank you for your responses, it's still such a hard decision. I am current in the States and have been here for a little over two weeks. I love it here!! I've been so angry for so long and the last few months in Italy it has all really come to head. We do live in our own place, having discovered years ago while on vacation staying with his mom was not an option. I have decided to return to Italy though and yes, learning the language and getting back more of my independence is goal number 1. I am also going to join the International Women group so I can have my own set of friends. Hopefully this will help with not feeling so alone.


Thanks for letting me know how you got on, time away from a bad situation is great for reflection and decision making, good luck on your return.


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## eno

*Complex Transitons...*

Hey Bunty16,

My heart goes out to you...

First Relax.... I hate to say this but this situation you are describing is not uncommon when moving abroad. I myself when through something like this about a year after moving to Europe. I have 10's of friends and 100's of acquaintances that have gone through what you are dealing with. It is not easy. Presently I have lived here about 16 years (Italy just now) and I love the adventure of everyday life. I feel that I am a more resourceful person with broader horizons for the experience.

The difficulty in addressing these situations is that humans are complex creatures that exist in complex environments. You just left yours and dropped into something like a void. Living in a void will easily create a very difficult situation for most people. These environments support us and give us places and tools to understand our experiences. Remember in prison it is common punishment to put people in solitary isolation for punishment. Don't put yourself there! Make sure that you have friends around you. These might be new friends, but people need people. The woman's group is a good idea: You need to have peers to talk too. Make sure you get to the cafe everyday. 

Let try to pull this apart all these intertwined problems in to individual categories.

You Marriage: Marriages are deep relationships that are dependent on First try to trust each other no matter what happens. You might be feeling slightly insane and your husband may want to spend time with his family that he has not seen in ages. Try to understand trust each other in your problems it will make it easier to come together after you have some difficulties. If your marriage is really in trouble get professional help. 

Job: This is key for getting your own feet in your new location. You need to have a place to go and meet people interesting and difficult. Dont worry about having exactly the same job. When I can I worked in a day care that my son was placed in. Later I hung around in a bakery for a while eventually I got a job in an Architects office after having started on my Masters in Architecture. My point here is to start in an easy way - kids love to teach you language and most daycares need extra people volunteer or paid. 

Depression: That is Normal! Take care of yourself. Get enough sleep, dont drink excessively. Get out and do some exercise. Make sure you get out and see and do things. Italy is wonderfully rich in things to see and do get out and capture that. The weather is improving now so it will be easier. If you are really worried about your depression, again seek professional help. In my experience this will come and go it is part of the adjustment process. Depression, Anger, Resignation and so on.... 

Missing the States: Yes you are going to miss the States. This has been your world and to be honest I still watch news most days from the States... but I dont really miss it any more. There are things I miss and things I dont. You will miss it because it is the framework that you have hung every detail of your life upon for your entire life. Now you are in Italy and you are looking for hooks and you dont have a single hook at hand. What to do with all that info that we have to process everyday. In time you can develop a new framework one that is a bit Italian and a bit American. This frame will give more perspective than either of the two individually, but it take time. 

Your Son: Your son is three. My son was the same age when I move to Europe and this is a important time for speech development in children. It is the phase when they master the use of language. If you move to Italy make sure you always speak only english with him. If not he will lose his Mother Tongue which will make learning other languages more difficult for him. I personally think that family is very important. However there is no right answer these days for families. Try to approach the situation with love.

Internet and Books: There are tons of books about moving abroad. Buy any you find to be interesting. The more you read and hear others stories the more perspective you will have on your situation. There are also a lot of people writing about their experiences on the internet... 

search "there’s-a-good-chance-that-today-will-suck-dealing-with-depression-abroad" 

Check Amazon: search "living abroad".

Wish you the best of luck back in Italy

Cheers,

ENO


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## bunty16

eno said:


> Hey Bunty16,
> 
> My heart goes out to you...
> Thankyou for sending such a long detailed reply, however you have sent this advice/support to the wrong person, please read through this thread and you will see I too was offering my support advice.
> First Relax.... I hate to say this but this situation you are describing is not uncommon when moving abroad. I myself when through something like this about a year after moving to Europe. I have 10's of friends and 100's of acquaintances that have gone through what you are dealing with. It is not easy. Presently I have lived here about 16 years (Italy just now) and I love the adventure of everyday life. I feel that I am a more resourceful person with broader horizons for the experience.
> 
> The difficulty in addressing these situations is that humans are complex creatures that exist in complex environments. You just left yours and dropped into something like a void. Living in a void will easily create a very difficult situation for most people. These environments support us and give us places and tools to understand our experiences. Remember in prison it is common punishment to put people in solitary isolation for punishment. Don't put yourself there! Make sure that you have friends around you. These might be new friends, but people need people. The woman's group is a good idea: You need to have peers to talk too. Make sure you get to the cafe everyday.
> 
> Let try to pull this apart all these intertwined problems in to individual categories.
> 
> You Marriage: Marriages are deep relationships that are dependent on First try to trust each other no matter what happens. You might be feeling slightly insane and your husband may want to spend time with his family that he has not seen in ages. Try to understand trust each other in your problems it will make it easier to come together after you have some difficulties. If your marriage is really in trouble get professional help.
> 
> Job: This is key for getting your own feet in your new location. You need to have a place to go and meet people interesting and difficult. Dont worry about having exactly the same job. When I can I worked in a day care that my son was placed in. Later I hung around in a bakery for a while eventually I got a job in an Architects office after having started on my Masters in Architecture. My point here is to start in an easy way - kids love to teach you language and most daycares need extra people volunteer or paid.
> 
> Depression: That is Normal! Take care of yourself. Get enough sleep, dont drink excessively. Get out and do some exercise. Make sure you get out and see and do things. Italy is wonderfully rich in things to see and do get out and capture that. The weather is improving now so it will be easier. If you are really worried about your depression, again seek professional help. In my experience this will come and go it is part of the adjustment process. Depression, Anger, Resignation and so on....
> 
> Missing the States: Yes you are going to miss the States. This has been your world and to be honest I still watch news most days from the States... but I dont really miss it any more. There are things I miss and things I dont. You will miss it because it is the framework that you have hung every detail of your life upon for your entire life. Now you are in Italy and you are looking for hooks and you dont have a single hook at hand. What to do with all that info that we have to process everyday. In time you can develop a new framework one that is a bit Italian and a bit American. This frame will give more perspective than either of the two individually, but it take time.
> 
> Your Son: Your son is three. My son was the same age when I move to Europe and this is a important time for speech development in children. It is the phase when they master the use of language. If you move to Italy make sure you always speak only english with him. If not he will lose his Mother Tongue which will make learning other languages more difficult for him. I personally think that family is very important. However there is no right answer these days for families. Try to approach the situation with love.
> 
> Internet and Books: There are tons of books about moving abroad. Buy any you find to be interesting. The more you read and hear others stories the more perspective you will have on your situation. There are also a lot of people writing about their experiences on the internet...
> 
> search "there’s-a-good-chance-that-today-will-suck-dealing-with-depression-abroad"
> 
> Check Amazon: search "living abroad".
> 
> Wish you the best of luck back in Italy
> 
> Cheers,
> 
> ENO


Thanks for very comprehensive advice/support, however you have aimed this at the wrong person, if you read through this thread you will see it is not me, I was just offering advice/support very like yourself.


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## bfaye02

Thanks eno.. loved reading all the advice and will try to put into practice as much as I possibly can. I've been back for going on two weeks now and things are getting better now that I am trying to look at it in a different way. Going out today to find another language course and have a nice supply of St John's Worts to keep me balanced. I find myself slipping a little back in the old bad habits but I can see it and pull myself out. I think hopefully it will end up okay. 

Keeping my finger crossed.


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## stacey812000

good luck on what ever you do, but you need to be happy, i know how your feeling......go where your heart is, its only correct you go back, BUT you have your son, so ask him what he wants, i really feel for you and i wish you the best whatever you decide to do.....


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## bunty16

stacey812000 said:


> good luck on what ever you do, but you need to be happy, i know how your feeling......go where your heart is, its only correct you go back, BUT you have your son, so ask him what he wants, i really feel for you and i wish you the best whatever you decide to do.....


Hi Stacy, where abouts in L'Aquila do you live? I have a house in that region, if you feel able to share this, private message me, Bunty.


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## stacey812000

bunty16 said:


> Hi Stacy, where abouts in L'Aquila do you live? I have a house in that region, if you feel able to share this, private message me, Bunty.


hi im not sure where you live, but i live near alessandria, in piemonte, are you near there? ps i dont know how to do a private message im still learning this lol


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## bunty16

stacey812000 said:


> hi im not sure where you live, but i live near alessandria, in piemonte, are you near there? ps i dont know how to do a private message im still learning this lol


Hi, misread initials AL, my region is AQ L'aquila! quite a way off, would have been nice to meet up etc., if you had been nearby. To private message me you have to click under my name. If you are new you cannot recieve private messages until you have done a certain number of threads/contacts, but not sure how many. Do you have a background in mental healthpsychology? you sound very skilled with your advice. I worked in mental health for almost 40 years.


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## Ed in Italy

The “bad” situation was created by both you and your mate. He probably made Italy sound great. He probably convinced you that finding a job was going to be a snap. And you, being a trusting person, believed him. This guy is a real Italian male: very charming and all that Latin-lover crap, but tied more to his family and friends than his own mate (you). Now you know what he’s like, and you now know that Italy is way behind the States in many ways, especially when it comes to those routine, everyday things that we have to deal with (shopping, paying bills, post office, etc.). Compared to the States, Italy sucks, but it sucks less if you don’t let it get you down and that means being flexible. Things have improved, albeit slowly, in the 23 years I’ve been here. There are malls, fast food places, microwaves, dishwashers… all those things Americans can’t seem to live without.
You’ve got some priorities, in the following order:
1. Learn Italian as quick as you can. And not from your guy. Italian men don’t want you to be too independent, but they don’t want you hanging around their necks either. After all, they have soccer games to watch (a sacred right) and friends to hang around with.
2. Speak to your son ONLY in English; he may resist at first, but he’ll thank you for it in years to come. Also be aware that, unless you can get total, unconditional collaboration on child-rearing from your mate (unlikely), your son will take you for granted, not lift a finger to help in the house and generally treat you like crap. This is normal in Italy. (If I was like that when I was a kid, I would not be here today ‘cause my father would’ve killed me. And my mother wouldn’t have stopped him.)
3. Get your Italian drivers license. Being mobile is just as important in Italy as it is in the States, especially if you live outside Rome, Turin or Milan. I see you're in Bologna, which is good. Unless the laws have changed in the last 23 years, Italy will not recognize your U.S. drivers license after you’ve resided here for 6 months. In the meantime, get an International Driving Permit from A.A.A.
4. Do everything in your power to have a good relationship with your mate’s friends. Turn on that sex appeal. Grit your teeth, bite your tongue and invite them all over to watch soccer at your house. Get them on your side. Same goes for your mate’s family, ESPECIALLY his mother. This is a huge, daunting task because, in this woman’s eyes, you’re not good enough for her precious son who is God on Earth. Thing is, for you to be worthy in her eyes, you have to be as servile to your man as she is to her son. So, that means cooking hot meals, cleaning the house, ironing… those things that American women used to do in the past. Ask your mother-in-law to teach you how to cook her son's fave dishes. (Pasta aint rocket science.) Once you get your “mother-in-law” on your side, she’ll be more than willing to help you with housework and babysitting. At that point you can start to think about getting a job. Do not talk badly about your mate with your mother-in-law, no matter how selfish he is. She will not believe you, even is she has a conflictual relationship with him. Which takes us to the next point:
5. Don’t isolate yourself in the English-speaking expat world. Find a BGF (best girlfriend), better if she’s Italian rather than American or British, and better if she’s not real pretty. This BGF has to become your ally, your confidante. If she is gets too chummy with your mate, get rid of her, get her hooked up with one of your mate’s friends. Quickly!

Good luck.


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## Ed in Italy

I see some people advise you to ask your son what he wants. In my humble opinion, this is totally wrong. A 4-year old kid, besides eating and sleeping, only wants to play and be cuddled. Period. Here in Italy, parents let their kids rule the roost and these kids grow up spoiled rotten, thinking the world owes them everything. Italian parents, especially the mothers, ruin their sons in this way, and later on they complain that their sons treat them like door mats. Surveys show that Italian children are considered the worst behaved in Europe. When we were kids, my mother didn't ask us what we wanted for dinner. We ate what was on the table. Period. Here I see Italian mothers making 4 different meals for 4 different family members.
You and your mate have to make the rules and enforce them. This is an exhausting effort at first, and most parents don't have the time and/or energy to do this. Plus, your neighbors will think you're mistreating your kid. "Discipline" is not a common practice here in Italy. But if you put in this initial effort, it makes things a lot easier in the years to come. You both have to be synchronized on this. You and your mate must not veto each other's decision. If you disagree on some points, DO NOT let your son see this. If your son sees that you and your mate argue over his upbringing, it's all over. He will divide and conquer, and pit you against your mate. It's OK to play "good cop, bad cop", but switch roles every once in a while.


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## roccosmamma

Hi there,

Poor you, it is a lonely life living abroad in a country you a not particularly fond of especially when you do not have the support needed to survive.

I got married to an Italian 5 years ago and chose to leave everything and be with him, we now have a little boy. It has NEVER been easy for me and continues to drive me crazy every time I set foot outside my door, it is so backward here, the people are rude and the education substandard.

This year, I have made a decision, as I don't want my child to grow up sensing my negative attitude toward the Italians and their country, and that is to have " 2 poles" in my life. Italy for it's undeniable pleasures,mainly climate and pace of life and London so that I can be with my family, have a sense of myself and who I am and allow my son to be a part of both cultures. 

You have to be bold, you are American not Italian so make sure you get yourself and your son back there as much as possible and when you return to Italy you will find a sense of newness and fun about the place. Just remember you can not change who you are I can guarantee that your husband could not do what you have done and yes Italian men do get incredibly clingy around their children but you must be strong and set guidelines, it wasn't just your decision to have a child and you have rights too.

You are not mad, you are just unhappy and you can make it work. Practically speaking, get yourself a group of American, English, german, Dutch Swedish friends who all share the same sense of humour and know where to find " Betty Crocker" and " Ketchup" they are my lifeline here. I have been teaching English for 6 years, I'm 37 I didn't have any qualifications for this you don't need any, trust me, you will find that everyone in these many language schools are all terribly homesick and suffer the same problems with the Italians , no matter what age. getting out of the house and being a little independent will make you much happier. If nothing else you owe it to your son to be happy,strong and proactive so do it for him.

From someone that knows, always here.
Roccosmamma (Verona)


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## bfaye02

Thank you for the wonderful advice and the little laugh from Ed who hit the nail on the head. I put myself back in an Italian language class. I still haven't joined the International Women of Bologna group but I do plan on it. Ed here's a little story for you.. when my son was born three years ago my mother-in-law gave me two diamond rings that her mother gave her when my husband was born. On a vacation trip here soon after our son was able to fly, we stayed with her and she became so difficult that I ended up throwing the rings in her face and demanding that we live. She didn't come to our son's baptism. Imagine the relationship after that!! Today though after a lot of sucking up to her, we are pretty back on the same level as before...even had her teach me to cook passatelli. So I guess I am on the right track... lucky for me with the sports the meeting place is at his brother's house ;-). 

I feel better now then when I first started this thread a lot being the advice and knowing that I am not the only person who goes through this. Sometimes when things are going so badly, you think you are the only person to experience it and that's where I was. Now, with the help and advice of everyone, I not only can survive this but can like it as well. Sorry if I sound mushy.


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## Ed in Italy

Too bad you didn't get my message BEFORE you had the run-in with your mate's mother! But, I'm a bit perplexed. How did you have a run-in with that woman if you don't speak Italian? She must have put in an extra effort to rattle you. But, reading your past posts, it seems like you have a pretty short fuse yourself!
Anyway, there are a lot better places to live than Italy, but there are also a lot worse (like Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia, Chechenya, etc.). Being that I don't practice what I preach, I would still advise you strongly to get the heck out of Italy. If your mate is the momma's boy that I think he is, that may be impossible. In that case, as I said before, the key to survival in Italy is to be flexible and not let it get to you. I would also advise you to find a hobby or some interest that gives you a iron-clad excuse to get out of the house regularly. Dance lessons, cooking lessons, exercise class.
Hang in there.


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## bunty16

Ed in Italy said:


> Too bad you didn't get my message BEFORE you had the run-in with your mate's mother! But, I'm a bit perplexed. How did you have a run-in with that woman if you don't speak Italian? She must have put in an extra effort to rattle you. But, reading your past posts, it seems like you have a pretty short fuse yourself!
> Anyway, there are a lot better places to live than Italy, but there are also a lot worse (like Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia, Chechenya, etc.). Being that I don't practice what I preach, I would still advise you strongly to get the heck out of Italy. If your mate is the momma's boy that I think he is, that may be impossible. In that case, as I said before, the key to survival in Italy is to be flexible and not let it get to you. I would also advise you to find a hobby or some interest that gives you a iron-clad excuse to get out of the house regularly. Dance lessons, cooking lessons, exercise class.
> Hang in there.


You can only get stronger now you have faced up to this, you also seem big and brave enough to take constructive critisism, good on you!:first:


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## mickisue

FWIW, not all Italian men are such douches, nor are all Italian mamas. My DD went through a LOT of boyfriends before she found the one she's planning to spend her life with. He is independent, and loves her independence. Despite the fact that she is so far from servile as to be laughable, his mama loves her dearly. In fact, when she had to have minor surgery a couple of years ago, she insisted that DD stay with her during the initial recovery period so she could nurse her back to health. 

My Italian is limited, her English even more so; and yet we are very simpatica; we are united in our love of our offspring and rooting for their life together to be better than ours with their fathers. Both of us are divorced, both have long term relationships with men better suited to us--I've been with my husband for 21 years, she with her BF for 10.

Learning Italian as a middle-aged to older adult is more challenging than as a kid, but not even close to impossible. Make your priorities to learn the parts of the language that will smooth your day to day life; talking to shopkeepers, talking about the weather, etc. Let your son help you. He'll absolutely love teaching mama, and the simpler grammar of a pre-schooler will be easier to follow.

You probably will have to go to school to work in the medical field in Italy, just as you would had you become an RN in Italy and moved to the US. So, if that's not likely, then start thinking about the parts of being a surgical tech that you enjoyed. Was it the combination of routine and the unexpected? The idea that you were assisting with helping people improve their health? Find your underlying loves, and see what you can do as a beginning Italian speaker to earn your own money.

If your community has a fair amount of tourists, perhaps you could show English speakers around. You might be able to run a "learn about your new community" seminar for newly arrived expats.

And, finally, instead of thinking of the Italian way of shopping as a burden, think about how wonderful it truly is. You have the opportunity to eat actual fresh food on a daily basis, and to know where that food came from. In terms of making it from scratch, well, it's faster to make a batch of pasta from scratch than to order, pick up and take home a pizza from Domino's. And heaven knows that the ingredients in that pasta will be infinitely better for you and your little boy. Be grateful that you have the time to shop daily; it gives you the excuse that you need to get yourself outdoors and interacting with people. 

If depression is an issue for you, know that the St. Johns' Wort is a great idea, and if you combine it with deliberate daily exercise, you will feel SO much better. Hope you are doing well!


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