# How to make friends in the Tarn



## Lilitarn

Hi there, I am Dutch and my late husband was British. I apologize in advance for this long message. I am a third culture kid, meaning I was brought up in a culture other than my parents'.

I live in the Tarn since 2004, after having spent 40 years in the French part of Belgium, lived in Suriname and in the Netherlands during my early childhood.

Four years ago, I left our family home after my husband died and 2 years ago, I moved to Albi where I decided to settle, hoping to make new friends and another life partner.

Although I am a very open person and I like people, I am also fluent in French, I find it very difficult to make new friends here when you are on your own. My family lives in the Netherlands and Belgium and I have only kept some phone friends from work.

When I stopped working for a health reason which you cannot see, I did charity work in "associations", participated in workshops, did yoga, pilates, walking groups, dancing lessons, wrote my own theatre comedy in French, found a co-writer and comedian to perform it with me, you name it. 

I feel people don't smile a lot here, stick with the ones they know. When you are on your own, they stay in small groups, even in circles, which is very difficult to get into or impose yourself on, even in a gentle or funny way, with a smile.

I tend to ask myself if it is the French but maybe is it just society that has become like that, or juste me ?

When I ask questions to make contact, I only get a "oui" or a "non" back, or very short answers. People from here don't not seem interested to know you, never a question asked in return or very rarely. Even my current boyfriend's parents don't seem interested, neither his children and don't ask any question. 

I have 3 adult children who are open, curious, friendly and always looking to reach out to people who seem more discreet. But they live their own lives in other parts of the country. We are very close.

The older I get, the less effort I want to make but I suffer from the situation. I feel very lonely sometimes.

Since last September, I have started latin dancing lessons. I love dancing and can't help smiling. There is a place in Albi where the students and other experienced dancers can meet and dance in the week-end's The men in the venue don't invite women and they just stare at the dancing floor or dance with the ones they know. Some students go with their friends or family to dance there but they do not include the ones they don't know. They tell me to go even if I don't know anybody and ask the men to dance, but if I go on my own, I know, they will just stick amongst themselves and I just don't want to feel alone in a crowd again or feeling like a dummy staring at the ceiling. I already experienced this.

I am fit, slim, look quite nice and young according my "entourage".

Now I am looking for a dance partner on websites because my boyfriend is not available to follow dance lessons because of his work.

But I also miss talking with people with the same humor being able to laugh at themselves.

So is it me ? I'd appreciate any feedback from your experiences and maybe some advice :fingerscrossed:.

Thanks a lot ! 

Lily


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## Szilvia HALASI

Hi Lily, my name is Szilvia, I am new on this forum and also a quite beginner in France. I have been living and working here for 4 years now and although I have very nice people around me but still search friends. Actually I was thinking to start a dance course this year but I was too busy. Be in touch if you like . Best, Szilvia


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## baldilocks

Bonsoir Lily
It is the same the world over but more especially so in France trying to fit in with the group - the French have a word for that group - it is called "un clique" and if you don't belong or don't qualify then you are outside the clique. Perhaps you should move to Spain where people are much more friendly.


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## Tigerlillie

baldilocks said:


> Bonsoir Lily
> *It is the same the world over* but more especially so in France trying to fit in with the group - the French have a word for that group - it is called "un clique" and if you don't belong or don't qualify then you are outside the clique. Perhaps you should move to Spain where people are much more friendly.


Yes you're right it is and the English can be quite 'cliquey' too Baldi, I see it here where I live, if your face don't fit and you don't fall in with what they deem you should do you're pushed out. Although I've not experienced it (thankfully I'm not a sheeple and have a few friends here I can count on and I've never needed or wanted to be one of 'the crowd') I've seen it done to others. I sometimes think it can be like an episode of Corrie or Eastenders (or worse  ) in my little corner of France.


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## baldilocks

Tigerlillie said:


> I sometimes think it can be like an episode of Corrie or Eastenders (or worse  ) in my little corner of France.


Do you actually mean that there is something(s) worse that an episode of Corrie or Eastenders in your little corner of France? - now I am even more glad we didn't move to France.


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## Tigerlillie

baldilocks said:


> Do you actually mean that there is something(s) worse that an episode of Corrie or Eastenders in your little corner of France? - now I am even more glad we didn't move to France.


Baldi, if I told you of some of the goings on round here you'd think I was making it up


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## Bevdeforges

Tigerlillie said:


> Yes you're right it is and the English can be quite 'cliquey' too Baldi, I see it here where I live, if your face don't fit and you don't fall in with what they deem you should do you're pushed out. Although I've not experienced it (thankfully I'm not a sheeple and have a few friends here I can count on and I've never needed or wanted to be one of 'the crowd') I've seen it done to others. I sometimes think it can be like an episode of Corrie or Eastenders (or worse  ) in my little corner of France.


That has been the case even here in the Ile de France. A German friend of mine first mentioned it to me, when she said that she felt she was being left out of several gatherings held by the British crowd here in the area. At one point, her British friend even asked her for a ride to the book group one time, but never invited her to attend the group (particularly galling since my German friend was a librarian and spoke excellent English).

I suppose that's how it often is among a "predominant" group of expats, all from the same country. Am told that Americans can often be this way in areas where there are "expat enclaves" - though there aren't enough of them in my little corner of France that it has ever become an issue.


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## 95995

Bevdeforges said:


> That has been the case even here in the Ile de France. A German friend of mine first mentioned it to me, when she said that she felt she was being left out of several gatherings held by the British crowd here in the area. At one point, her British friend even asked her for a ride to the book group one time, but never invited her to attend the group (particularly galling since my German friend was a librarian and spoke excellent English).
> 
> I suppose that's how it often is among a "predominant" group of expats, all from the same country. Am told that Americans can often be this way in areas where there are "expat enclaves" - though there aren't enough of them in my little corner of France that it has ever become an issue.


There is a British Club here that opens its doors not just to Brits, but also Americans, Australians etc. They need members, but I understand they are very cliquey and I believe that they are primarily interested in membership fees, but certain members are not 'included' in the same way because they are not accepted by the mai clique. I am not speaking from personal experience though, as, although someone got wind of my arrival and I was invited, I made it clear that I really wasn't interested. There was an approach later via their book club via a now deceased American lady who lived upstairs from me and held meetings in her apartment - again I did not take it up (I like to make my own choices about what I read and I have been focusing on books in French since I have been here - I have a lot of years to catch up on 

As for making friends here, some locals have always been very open, but getting a little dog definitely made, and still makes, a huge difference. Nonetheless it generally takes time for acquaintances to develop into friends, not least because the French generally already have their own established circles, unless they are recent arrivals with no attachments in the area.


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## DejW

Hello Lilitarn.

You are not alone! But there are some things that you can do.

First, we have to understand that French social life is centrered around the family, therefore friendships outside the family are less valued. 

Following the separation from my French wife in 2018 I've put a lot of energy into making friends in my new home in the Pryrénées Orientales. This included inviting neighbours in for apéros....and collecting names and addresses of the guests. I've tried to participate in every village event, just to get known...but it does take time.

From what you say it appears that you don't have problems getting out and meeting people, but the difficulty is in turning casual acquaintances into a deeper friendship. Have you tried getting some honest feedback from your family on this. For example (and I don't know you so these are random examples), are you too shy or too pushy when you meet people?, Do you talk about yourself too much, or the opposite, not offer any personal confidences to build the relationship?

In the expat community here there are several people who are not on speaking terms, and the same in the village..usually over an event about land irrigation canals that happened 60 years ago. I've found the best way is to jgnore these problems and invite them all for large gin and tonics, if they that's good, if they don't then tant pis for them!

That's enough.....would you like to provide more info, or send a pm..you need to make 6?... posts.

DejW


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## Bevdeforges

DejW, glad you mentioned the thing about family. For many people here in France, their main "social" contacts are their family members. If you don't have family in the area (or in France) it can make things just that much more difficult.

The other thing to consider is that "friendship" can mean different things to different people (and in different cultures). I know I've spoken to any number of French people here who find it strange that Americans seem to call everyone a "friend" even if they only just met them. There are lots of different words the French use for people they know - ami, copain, collègue, co-equipier - and I suspect that each different term conveys certain specific information about the relationship. 

There is a tradition here that you can only really be "un(e) ami(e)" if you have known the person since childhood. That's obviously changing, but it does account for why friendships seem to take so long to develop here in France. The idea of "friendship" is taken very seriously. Sometimes you just have let things develop slowly over time and see how they go.


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## 95995

Bevdeforges said:


> DejW, glad you mentioned the thing about family. For many people here in France, their main "social" contacts are their family members. If you don't have family in the area (or in France) it can make things just that much more difficult.
> 
> The other thing to consider is that "friendship" can mean different things to different people (and in different cultures). I know I've spoken to any number of French people here who find it strange that Americans seem to call everyone a "friend" even if they only just met them. There are lots of different words the French use for people they know - ami, copain, collègue, co-equipier - and I suspect that each different term conveys certain specific information about the relationship.
> 
> There is a tradition here that you can only really be "un(e) ami(e)" if you have known the person since childhood. That's obviously changing, but it does account for why friendships seem to take so long to develop here in France. The idea of "friendship" is taken very seriously. Sometimes you just have let things develop slowly over time and see how they go.


And they also use the term "connaissance", being just an acquaintance and AFAIK lower on the scale than the terms you mention.


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## Bevdeforges

EverHopeful said:


> And they also use the term "connaissance", being just an acquaintance and AFAIK lower on the scale than the terms you mention.


French is such a subtle language. When I was taking French classes on my arrival here, we went through a whole lecture in class about the different levels of "friend" and especially the different forms of address when it comes to writing letters. (Ah, the good old days.)

There are differences between starting a letter with "Cher Pierre" vs. "Mon cher Pierre" and then there's also the matter of whether the person writing the letter is male or female. Compare that to the English opening, "Dear Peter" which can be used even in a form letter coming from a vendor.


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## 512346

baldilocks said:


> Bonsoir Lily
> It is the same the world over but more especially so in France trying to fit in with the group - the French have a word for that group - it is called "un clique" and if you don't belong or don't qualify then you are outside the clique. Perhaps you should move to Spain where people are much more friendly.


I agree, I think the OP should consider moving to Spain...or the UK. Or anywhere for that matter if they want to socialise....or at least have a bit of a social life. 

The French don't like themselves, each other......never mind 'foreigners'. 

You don't move to France to socialise. They don't do 'social'. 

If you meet a French bloke in that part of France they will either be an alcoholic, have a dodgy past or both. 

Two choices. Move to another country...Spain is a good choice.. Or, move to a progressive city in France. 

Forget Albi and other such places in SW France


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## Bevdeforges

Ah, Smeg - ever our little ray of sunshine. 

Just a note here, "your mileage may vary" - in fact it most definitely will!


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## 512346

Bevdeforges said:


> Ah, Smeg - ever our little ray of sunshine.
> !


Am i right ?


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## 95995

Smeg said:


> Am i right ?


Some French (perhaps you and your family for example) may not do social, but many do.


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## 512346

EverHopeful said:


> Some French (perhaps you and your family for example) may not do social, but many do.


Of course, but how does the OP find the ones that do ?

That is the question


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## 95995

Smeg said:


> Of course, but how does the OP find the ones that do ?
> 
> That is the question


But you had said "The French don't do social", then you asked if you were right, so I guess the to that would be either no, or not entirely, but definitely not yes.

You have offered no advice whatsoever about how the OP would "find the ones that do", which is understandable given that you and yours don't do social.


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## 512346

I did give advice, I said move. Either to a different country or to a progressive city.

The OP has been living there since 2004.

We do do social, but in family. Like most in France. That point was made earlier by Bev I think.


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## conky2

Smeg said:


> I did give advice, I said move. Either to a different country or to a progressive city.
> 
> The OP has been living there since 2004.
> 
> We do do social, but in family. Like most in France. That point was made earlier by Bev I think.


The OP moved to Albi two years ago, albeit she has lived in Tarn since 2004.

You specifically said Spain would be a good choice. What is it specifically about your many years living in Spain that makes you say that?


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## 95995

Smeg, not all French people socialise within their families. However, I would say that it can be difficult for many foreigners to read the social signals, and also to understand that their own social signals (including smiling) may well be misinterpreted. Then there are areas with very established cliques, which it can be difficult to break into. OTOH there are areas in the PACA where the people are very open and it is remarkably easy to be accepte and become involved almost instantly. As Bev said, your mileage may very - and definitely will (or words to that effect) 

Not all French people are happy restricting their socialising to family. I tend to feel sorry for you.


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## 512346

EverHopeful said:


> Not all French people are happy restricting their socialising to family. I tend to feel sorry for you.


I think it is a question of time. You need to think about that.


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## 95995

Smeg said:


> I think it is a question of time. You need to think about that.


For you perhaps, though I know French couples who have young children and both work full time and still manage to organise themselves to socialise outside the family, either separately or together - though TBH they are younger than you. But what I am saying is that your are, once again, over generalising.


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## MichiMom

Hello Lily, Did you notice that someone here in the thread that reached out to you? That is very nice and the opportunity you seemed to be seeking. Wishing you luck and connection with others. Michele


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## VERITE1

If you have lived in Albi for four years and are still finding it difficult to get to know people, then I think you are right to step back and ask yourself why.

The usual way of making new friends and acquaintances in France is by joining clubs and associations where you meet people with shared interests. You say that you have tried this but to no avail.

Albi is a beautiful town which attracts people from all over the world so the locals can't be accused of having parochial attitudes. There is always something going on.

It's interesting that you say that you are looking for friends and for a new life partner. Maybe you are trying too hard? Perhaps if you could be more casual and not let your need for friendship be quite so visible, nodding acquaintances could become friends, but it does take time.

Have you any skills that you could share with others? Start up an activity of your own, either as a club or as part of an existing association?

You need others but they don't necessarily need you, so you have to be patient and persevering, and take an active interest in everything that is going on in or around Albi.

Good luck!


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## VERITE1

By way of a PS : you say that the French don't take any interest in you or your life. I think that maybe you are mistaking the French reticence to appear to be prying as a lack of interest.

And possible the questions you ask - by way of appearing interested in *their* lives - may be felt by them to be intrusive.

It's not easy to strike a happy balance but if possible let them take the initiative and follow their lead.


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## baldilocks

One thing I found helped here (bear in mind I don't speak more than a teaspoonful of Spanish) is to say "Hello, good morning" (in Spanish, of course) to everyone I encountered in the street. Many people responded. One can then comment on the weather "Il fait froid/chaud nest-ce pas? Even if it doesn't go any further, you will have made a nodding acquaintance who is more likely to respond next time you meet. "Do you live here?" will sort out the holidaymakers from the locals ... and so on.

You may find that having a dog will help and walk him/her in the daytime and talk to anyone who takes an interest in the pooch.


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## 95995

VERITE said:


> If you have lived in Albi for four years and are still finding it difficult to get to know people, then I think you are right to step back and ask yourself why.
> 
> The usual way of making new friends and acquaintances in France is by joining clubs and associations where you meet people with shared interests. You say that you have tried this but to no avail.
> 
> Albi is a beautiful town which attracts people from all over the world so the locals can't be accused of having parochial attitudes. There is always something going on.
> 
> It's interesting that you say that you are looking for friends and *for a new life partner*. Maybe you are trying too hard? Perhaps if you could be more casual and not let your need for friendship be quite so visible, nodding acquaintances could become friends, but it does take time.
> 
> Have you any skills that you could share with others? Start up an activity of your own, either as a club or as part of an existing association?
> 
> You need others but they don't necessarily need you, so you have to be patient and persevering, and take an active interest in everything that is going on in or around Albi.
> 
> Good luck!


Are you sure? She says she has a current boyfriend/


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## 95995

baldilocks said:


> One thing I found helped here (bear in mind I don't speak more than a teaspoonful of Spanish) is to say "Hello, good morning" (in Spanish, of course) to everyone I encountered in the street. Many people responded. One can then comment on the weather "Il fait froid/chaud nest-ce pas? Even if it doesn't go any further, you will have made a nodding acquaintance who is more likely to respond next time you meet. "Do you live here?" will sort out the holidaymakers from the locals ... and so on.
> 
> You may find that having a dog will help and walk him/her in the daytime and talk to anyone who takes an interest in the pooch.


Firstly, and possibly depending on where in France you live, if you say hello, good morning to everyone you encounter in the street, they are likely to think you are very strange. 

Secondly, whilst I certainly found walking my dog added to interactions, I don't think meeting people is a good reason for taking on the responsibility of owning a dog.


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## VERITE1

EverHopeful said:


> Are you sure? She says she has a current boyfriend/



Well she says in her first post:

"Four years ago, I left our family home after my husband died and 2 years ago, I moved to Albi where I decided to settle, hoping to make new friends and another life partner."

The boyfriend she also mentions may or may not be the new life partner. :eyebrows:


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## Lilitarn

Hi and thanks for your reply. I will get back to you ! Have a nice Sunday


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## Lilitarn

Hi thanks for you reply. One tends to think the grass is always greener at the other side of the world and sometimes I think that going away si maybe considered to be like an escape but it's like I'm not with the right people.


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## Lilitarn

thanks for your reply


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## Lilitarn

Hi thanks for your interesting answer.


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## Lilitarn

Hi, thanks for your answer. How do I send a pm ?


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## VERITE1

Lilitarn said:


> Hi, thanks for your answer. How do I send a pm ?


click on my name, you will see the option send private message.

(Not sure if you meant me, but in any case the procedure is the same)


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## baldilocks

Lilitarn said:


> Hi, thanks for your answer. How do I send a pm ?


Right-click on the user name of the person you wish to PM and you will find PM is one of the options that come up.


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## Lilitarn

*Make new friends*

Hello again, Thanks for all your answers, observations and for most of you, interesting remarks.

Yes, I probably try too hard.

I am 57 and it's like I'm in a hurry. Time flies. I just need positive and fun people around me. People in associations are so serious.

What I miss above all is the humor and the ability to be able to laugh at oneself.

My (boy) friend is very nice, born in Toulouse and has lived here nearly all his life and he knows a lot of people, he is very happy to introduce them to me. We have been together for 2 months. People here are generally not very open to others. Don't need to. . My son had the same experience with his Swedish girlfriend. Very few of his group of friends here in the tarn talked to her or made an effort to try to know her when they came to visit last summer.

My previous (boy)-friends were expats and/or brits/dutch and I have always enjoyed their friend's/families' company having felt very welcome, being asked questions etc ... It was just great.

During parties of my friend's groupes, I am just there listening to their conversations because as I said before, they don't know how to show interest in newcomers. I takes time.
Very few talk to me but because I am normally very open and talkative, it is not easy for me to be just passive and listen. That is why I ask questions.

I just need to learn this new skill I guess. But it's bl...dy difficult.

I think I am just paying the price of having moved a lot and left my youth friends. When I see other people and their network/friends, I just feel lonely.

I guess I jsutI have to accept that this is the consequence of the life I had chosen and get on with it and STOP COMPLAINING LOL ! 

PS. I've joined a rock choir, and the people seem nice, so there is still hope ha ha.

Thanks to all of you for having read my message !


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## Clémentine Clément

Hello, I realize this topic was a long time ago but just in case I'm giving a very good tip as far as making friends in the département of TARN is concerned. Every Wednesday morning at 10.30 there's a "Coffee to Talk" at Marie's Tea Room "Au Thé Tranquille" place du Mercadial in Graulhet. It's informal, and free of charge. All you're required to do is have a tea or coffee or Marie's delicious freshly squeezed fruit juices. You'll make friends and improve your English or your French with franco-british conversations. You can stay as long as you wish but it generally lasts from an hour to an hour and a half. Au Thé Tranquille is on the usual social medias. Have a good time. 
Clémentine Clément


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## saffron_gin

Ha, good timing for this thread to pop up...Am now in Tarn for the past month and am really liking it thus far. 

Even Macron came by the other day alas I couldn't figure out how to go visit (I really adore his French if not his politics per se lol -his is the only French I seem to be able to half understand). 

If there are others in the forum here who would like to meet for coffee or give me pointers about places to visit, things to do etc, please feel free to private message me.

Bon weekend !


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## Bevdeforges

OK, I'll throw in my usual plug here for the AVF (Accueil des Villes Françaises) - of which there are certainly a few in Tarn.

This is an association devoted to helping newcomers (defined as anyone arriving in the last 3 years) settle in in the area. However, even if you've lived in the area longer than that, you may want to check out the local AVF if you're looking to meet people. Many AVFs have activities in English - whether to attract the anglophones in the area or to permit the locals to practice their English from their school days. As an English speaker, you can find yourself very popular in an AVF group just by offering to host an activity in English or to "practice English."

The only caveat is that we are currently at the end of the "social year" (i.e. the school year) in France and most associations will shut down for the summer at the end of the month. Do watch for signs in the area of a "Forum des associations" toward the beginning of September (i.e. "La Rentrée") to see what associations overall are available in your area that might be of interest. 


https://avf.asso.fr/


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