# Homesick but stuck here



## Hitched (Mar 23, 2010)

I am an aussie living in the UK since 2004. My husband is British and we have a baby boy. After travelling together we ended up living in Britain and have never left. 

My husband and I have always said we will move to Australia when and if it suited our situation but as time goes on it is becoming increasingly harder to leave as life seems to be set up here - friends, jobs, pets, finances etc while my previous life has gone - friends have moved away / we've grown apart etc. Plus there is the major issue that my husband would have a really hard time leaving his large family who are all very close, and also friends he has had since childhood.

This is starting to become a major issue for me as I love Australia and I always wanted to bring my children up there and of course my family are all there. But I know how painful it will be for my husband and his family if we move and I guess this is what has kept me here so far. I can't help feeling upset that I am missing out on living in my beautiful country and my family won't really know my son.

I'm just wanting to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation and how they coped. We have such a good relationship - this is the only thing tarnishing it and unfortunately you can't help who you fall in love with and I happened to fall in love with someone from the other side of the world. At best I visit home once a year but money and time makes even this difficult. Plus seeing my family once a year isn't ideal. And our jobs aren't the type that we can keep moving back and forth - plus I want stability for my child. Thanks


----------



## KimmieA (Mar 23, 2010)

That must be a hard position to be in. My husband and I are from opposite ends as well. Making holiday time, etc. is just frustrating. But in that commitment you made (marriage, house, pets, kids, etc.) you have to just find a way to make it work. Perhaps that means living for a couple months at the opposite place?


----------



## 90199 (Mar 21, 2010)

What a problem you have. I tried for many years to emigrate from England to Australia, but the authorities would not allow me in, I didn't have the skills that they wanted. My reason for wanting to live in Australia is that I had spent some of my youth there. I realised what a wonderful place it would have been to bring up my children.

Your child's future is more important than you or your husband. You must have a serious discussion with your other half regarding this and decide once and for all which country will be the best for your child, Australia or England.

I know what my decision would have been, but I am old now and my children are all middle aged, and anyway I now live happily here in the sunny Canary Islands.

Wish you all the luck in the world,

Hepa


----------



## zeebo (Nov 15, 2009)

Ok this 'argument' has potential to run on and on between you and whoever 'wins' will always have it rubbed in the others face... 

I think you should both move to a neutral place and be equals.. Ravenna in Italy looks good.


----------



## killingxspree (Mar 12, 2010)

Obviously one of you has to compromise. 

On the hand you 'both' have been waiting for the perfect opportunity to move here though there probably isn't one so you should take your shot when you are ready [and it sounds like you are impatient for home, so you are probably ready while he is not so enthusiastic...]. And you also have family over here who your son hasn't interacted much with. Not fair on them or him.

on the other hand, because there is no perfect time, financially it may be very hard and socially you will have to start again and that can make a person feel quite isolated.[As you've experienced]


----------



## Crewroom (Mar 26, 2010)

Hitched said:


> I am an aussie living in the UK since 2004. My husband is British and we have a baby boy. After travelling together we ended up living in Britain and have never left.
> 
> My husband and I have always said we will move to Australia when and if it suited our situation but as time goes on it is becoming increasingly harder to leave as life seems to be set up here - friends, jobs, pets, finances etc while my previous life has gone - friends have moved away / we've grown apart etc. Plus there is the major issue that my husband would have a really hard time leaving his large family who are all very close, and also friends he has had since childhood.
> 
> ...


Hi, I moved to the USA from the UK in 1984 and have been 'stuck' here ever since. I married and brought up 2 kids. I had the same issues as you. How to make it easier? plan with your husband, plan trips back to Australia every 3 years for summer holidays (or whenever you can afford it), kids need stability, so finish their schooling in the UK and create an option of moving to Australia for a couple of years after that. Get your kids joint UK/Aussie passports, use the internet to maintain contact with your Aussie family. Get your family to visit you. I have tried to bring up my kids to feel just as British as they feel American and to consider Job and College opportunities in both countries. Have an 'Australia fund' and put spare money in it until you have enough for airtickets. These are all simple basics ways to make it all a little easier. Truth is we are living in world where you can get from one side of the world to the other in 24 hours. It just takes money and planning and maybe sacrifice other things to make it all happen.


----------



## Guest (Mar 26, 2010)

*'doing what's best for the kids'*

xxx/xxx


----------



## temporary (Apr 5, 2010)

Hi

I am in exactly the same situation...moved here 2003, one son, husband british and cant wait to go home
I feel like I have spent my whole life waiting


----------



## American_Woman (Mar 31, 2010)

I really feel for you guys in situations like these. I am worried that this might become an issue for me in the future. Even though Canada isn't that far from the US, I know I will still miss my home. I get homesick from time to time when I spend more than 2 weeks in Canada but this was the choice I made when I decided to marry someone from another country. I think the key is to find a good support group in your area with other expats etc. I know that is what my mother-in-law did. She found it much easier to cope when she had people to spend time with that celebrated the same culture and traditions of her home country.


----------



## UK_Paul (Jan 18, 2010)

*Same but Different*

Hi,

I'm the other way around, i am British married to an Auzzie. She has been here for 15 yrs (and likes it) but we have decided to go to Australia.

My Parents in the UK have seen our kids for a while, now its her turn. Saying that, decisions have be made together so all is well.

Hope you both come to a decision that makes you happy.


----------



## DeaninMexico (Apr 8, 2010)

Hey Hitched,

Sometimes I feel i am in a similar positoin, I moved out to Mexico from London over 2 years ago, which doesnt sound like a long time, but when the outlook of going back home seems less likely 2 years starts to feel longer. I work here, Its the best job ive ever had, certainly not the best paid, but I do love everything about it. My girlfriend who is Mexican, we have been together 4 years, finds it very hard at the thought of being away from her family, which keeps us here, we recently bought a Rottweiler into our home, and it seems like this is it, meanwhile like your hubby my friends back home are litterally like my family who i speak to everyday without fail, but they are all moving away, and in simliar positions, one of my closest friends is now stuck in Norway with a baby, but no job ... it's hard to know what to do when you feel like you arent completely living your life, but a version of your life, always wondering what your real life would be like.

I really hope you sort out everything soon, I dont know what will happen with me, I love where I am, there are so many great things about where i live, but its not home ......


----------



## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

Man, reading all your accounts really brings back some less-than-happy memories for me. In my case it wasn't homesickness, but simply a very bad reception here in France that had me wondering just what I had done, and whether I had made a very, very big mistake.

A couple of things that help: First of all, you need to plan to go back "home" now and then on your own - no partner, no kids. You need to be free to see back home with fresh eyes and without the added burden of trying to impress your partner and kids with what you remember of the place.

I guarantee you, back home has changed - and so have you. Old friends and family members have moved away or moved on (marriages, divorces, illnesses, etc.). Sometime it's for the better, sometimes for the worse - but on each subsequent trip, you get a bit better feeling on your return that you're headed "home" (i.e. back to where you now live and where things are now familiar to you).

It also helps to avail yourself of all the technological marvels now known to maintain contact - the Internet, e-mail, Skype, mail order, etc., etc. By keeping up on the changes you may eventually come to realize that "back home" is changing just as you are and may not be like you remember it.
Cheers,
Bev


----------



## temporary (Apr 5, 2010)

I use skype, I go home regularly but these things dont seem to help for me. In fact i dread going back as I know I have to leave again.


----------



## mike_smith (Feb 13, 2010)

To some extent (and for some people, not all), I think there are elements of the grass always seeming greener. There are some things I miss about Australia, but equally I know that if I went back there would be just as many, probably more, things I would miss about the UK.

Wishful thinking used to be a major problem in my life, until I got to the point where I realised that I had wasted months and years longing to be somewhere else only to have the reverse feelings when I reached that point.

This may not apply to your situation at all, but I imagine it does for many people. Now I try and live in the present and see where life takes me.


----------



## temporary (Apr 5, 2010)

can I just say to hitched that with a baby and when your child goes to preschool and school you will find it better as you will hopefully meet mums and build up better networks.


----------



## Pecosa (Nov 29, 2009)

I feel for you. My mom spent my whole life missing the UK--and we took many, many trips there from the US. As soon as I turned 18 she moved back. She was never able to convince my US dad to try living in the UK which seemed very unfair to me as a child.
By the way, there is no rule that says just because you have kids you can't move about with them (in your case, with your son) and do stints in the UK and stints in Australia at least until he is a teenager. Would that work with your husband's current job? Could you take trips without him and stay for 1-2 months and he could come for part of it?
There is a way to find a balance!
Good luck,
Beth


----------



## Kady (May 1, 2010)

I have thought at times that the situation I am in is one of the few but after reading everyone's post, I'm not alone and (sorry to say), I'm glad there are other people like us. My husband is British and I'm American. He came over in 2002, we were married in 2003 and have lived in the US. After being married for 7-1/2 years, our life has been in limbo. One month, we are moving back to England, the next month not. Now, we have 6 pets, no children at least to worry about messing them up, a house, jobs, cars, the whole lot. My husband decided a month ago to live in the US and quit worrying about moving back to England until 2 days ago. Back to square one. I will live anywhere he wants because I have no family ties. My mother & father are passed away. His parents are still alive and I feel bad that we don't move back. It's such a daunting task to think about in our situation but I will do it if need be. We just can't make up our minds. Anyone else like that..switching from one week to the next? Will our lives always be in limbo? Hope you can work something out because I know how you feel and it's a hard roller coaster to be on.


----------



## Guest (Jul 7, 2010)

frogblogger said:


> xxx/xxx


 I read your life story and in particular about the death of your 1st wife and your Thai wife's commitment to you and your children in France. What a sacrifice, and I give you all my deepest sympathy. It has put things into perspective for me.
My husband and I and 2 children and 2 dogs emigrated from Enlgand to Ontario 5 years ago and due to failing parents' health and our homesickness, we are returning to England next week. BUT< my husband has to remain to sell the house, and we're going to miss him so much. I met him 25 years ago and he's my rock, but I know that we can sell the house (even if it means a loss) as money is definitely not everything.
Take care and I wish you all the best for the future and pray that you can all be together.


----------



## US2UK-Kate (Nov 4, 2010)

I too am having these same issues. I have been in England for 8 years now and I struggle so much thinking about where I want to be permanently and where I think my daughter has the best chances of success and happiness. One poster suggested moving to a neutral place. I thought of this too. I wanted to move to Canada, but my other half doesn't want to live anywhere else but this tiny little village I am in now. He is the shyest man I have ever met. I love him to bits but I really don't see that I am ever going to have any other option but living here in the UK. 
I miss my family so much and the fact that my parents don't get to see my daughter often enough is killing me. They are getting old, time is limited. It is not even that I am missing the USA that much, it's great an all, but I like the UK as well. I just miss my family and friends. I would miss them just as much if I lived in Canada, but at least my frail parents could drive or take a relaxing train to get to me. They don't do planes very well and have already told me that their trip last Christmas would be the last one they made. 
I feel stuck here without any options and I feel the this tree of resentment growing in between my partner and I over this issue. I don't even like to bring it up any more. He gets so defensive. 
What are my options? What are any of our options except to visit often and take advantage of technology?


----------



## allanb (Nov 9, 2010)

Ignoring your personal feelings for a minute, there are a couple of issues here. 

First your children. Having lived in Oz for a number of years I think there are pros and cons regarding their education. The level of academic education is generally lower there, but the level of physical education is higher. just a question of priorities and the availabilty of a great outdoor life in one country. So what do you want for your kids and does your husband share this view?

The next thing is your financial situation, who is there breadwinner? If you did go back to Oz, would you enjoy the same standard of living? When I was there I earned about the same (as a Control Systems Engineer), but the money went a lot further. Cheaper (better) food, cheaper fuel, lower household bills and my outdoor social life was practically free.

Then the two different environments are serious issues too. There are many things that make for a happy life, friends, your living environment, even neighbours and work mates. I found a number of Aussies very abrasive, especailly towards people like me, who were not prepared to join in their unjustified critisicm of England. I now live in Thailand and don't get any of that from ayone. except for one Australian guy here, who I no longer talk to. He reminds me of the main reason I left Australia and the reason I love Thailand, it's people.

Just my view.


----------



## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

US2UK-Kate said:


> What are my options? What are any of our options except to visit often and take advantage of technology?


As you'll see by my earlier post on this thread, I've been there. Other than visiting as often as you can and using technology, what sorts of options do you want?

At some point you have to decide what's important to you and how far you're willing to go to get it. But you also have to be realistic about what options you do or don't have. 

What job options would you or your husband realistically have back in the US? (Especially now and with no current insurance or credit history.) Would you be able to return to the area where you parents and friends live or would you have to go wherever the work was, which could be just as far from your family as you are now? (And train travel in the US isn't exactly what I'd call "relaxing" - especially over really long distances.)

I went through a long period of resentment at being "stuck" over here, but when I took a long, hard look at my options to return to the US, it turned out those weren't all that do-able any more. Alot of the "longing" for the US was the result of going back there as a tourist and not having all those nagging little concerns like health insurance, finding a job, mortgage payments on an overpriced house, etc. etc.

If your parents can't (or won't) come visit you, then do what you can to make more frequent visits to see them (with or without the kids, with or without your husband). If all your friends are back in the US, then you need to get out and make some friends where you are. It's not easy and it takes some sacrifice on your part, but at a certain point you can decide to be happy where you are.
Cheers,
Bev


----------



## US2UK-Kate (Nov 4, 2010)

Everything you said makes perfect sense, Bev. I think it's really because my parents are getting on a bit and one day, well... you know. And I really don't know how I am going to be able to handle that if they need me to help them at the end. How can I from over here? That is my biggest worry. And the pain we go through every time I take their granddaughter back to England. Ugh... it's terrible. 

I love it here. That wasn't ever really the issue, it just gets doom and gloom when I get a bit homesick and depressed. 

Facebook has been both a blessing and curse for me. I have reunited with a lot of my states friends and that has caused some nostalgia and longing. But you are right when you spoke about it being from a tourist point of view. It's so easy to visit and spend less money on stuff and see the bigger houses (this was quite an issue for me for awhile because the houses here are pretty small by comparison) and think that the States has so much more opportunity, but truth be told it would be extremely difficult to get back into a life there. Plus, the one I left wasn't exactly chock full of options either! 

Thanks, Bev. I appreciate the new perspective. : )


----------



## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

US2UK-Kate said:


> I think it's really because my parents are getting on a bit and one day, well... you know. And I really don't know how I am going to be able to handle that if they need me to help them at the end. How can I from over here? That is my biggest worry. And the pain we go through every time I take their granddaughter back to England. Ugh... it's terrible.


I'm not trying to "bust your chops" here - but I've been through the loss of both parents from over here. (And I'm an only child, so it was me or nobody.)

Every case is different and when the time comes, you do what you have to do. My folks were pretty good about taking care of their retirement and old age. It took some doing, but my father decided when it was time for them to move into assisted living. Once they were settled in, I came over and did what I had to to sell their house.

When my mother died, my father put me on his bank accounts, and I managed to set up Internet access so I could manage them from over here. He wound up transferring to a nursing home, and I went over to see to dealing with his things. Once he was on his own, I went over twice a year to see him and to deal with his financial and legal situation (doing the Medicaid spend-down thing).

As the situation rolls out, you do what you have to and what you can. It helps to plan things out a bit, if that's possible, but there are ways to cope. I never would have imagined myself getting through this sort of thing, but I did. Don't let worrying about what "might" happen ruin enjoyment of your present.
Cheers,
Bev


----------



## Hollie Rose (Nov 16, 2010)

I noticed you are being so good to your husband, understanding how much he loves it here, and how much it would hurt his family if you both moved - the feelings you are avoiding him feeling are what you are facing and putting up with yourself so I admire you for that.

I do, however, feel that relationships are equal and you have spent so much time here, he should be willing to move to Australia you too, at least in future. Have a talk with him and tell him how much it's hurting you, because how much he loves his family and would miss them is how much you love and do miss yours, and it isn't fair.. I get that it's a chance you take by marrying someone in a different country but like you said, we can't help who we fall for and you have been so understanding and gracious. 

I think you should have a serious talk and decide where you're going to stay for now, and then hopefully in the future you can move to one country and stay there.. There are ways around it - you just have to work them out. You never know, after going to Australia once a year your children may want to stay there in future, and then its only fair that the whole family move. 

Talk to your husband and get him to understand, make a decision and even if it is to stay here, still have hope for the future. When making your decision, seriously take into consideration what is best for the children, you only get to raise them once. Good luck! I really hope it all goes well for you!


----------



## fourgotospain (May 4, 2009)

In my family I'm quite a rarity in having partnered up with someone of the same nationality!! The others make it work as one of them is not so bothered as the other and the parents can visit easily at the moment. 

I have a friend who is a New Zealander living with her Indian husband in India, she makes it work by taking the children to NZ for 2-3 months every year. She gets her NZ and family 'fix', the kids see their extended family and their heritage and her husband usually joins them for a couple of weeks holiday - then she travels back on her own with the boys. It's not a perfect arrangment but it works for them, and there's actually no reason why she couldn't keep doing it right through their childhood (with holiday work from school etc).

I really feel for you if it's not what you want and I think that the above suggestion of going back on your own is a good one - it's cheaper and you can see your home country without any pressures.

Hope this helps x


----------

