# Expat Life



## SteveHall (Oct 17, 2008)

I am amazed. I thought I had posted this before - if I have then I apologise but the search function on this forum did not pick it up. I was prompted to it by some new additions on the Málaga FC forum. 

(With apologies to /acknowledgements to a certain Mr W Gates) 

I recently gave a speech about 11 things they did not and will not teach would-be expats. I talked about how feel-good, commission-hungry estate agents created a generation of expats with no concept of reality and how this "dream" set them up for failure in the real Spain. 

Rule 1: Expat life is not fair - get used to it! 

Rule 2 : Expats and Spaniards alike will not care about your previous life. They will expect you to accomplish something in expatshire BEFORE you are respected. Able seamen become admirals, DIY enthusiasts become Master Builders. Shelf-stackers become supermarket magnates. Nobody cares - get used to it. They will expect you to pay your round. 

Rule 3 : You will NOT make 60,000 euros a year as you come straight off the plane. You won't be employed and you won't get a contract until you earn both. 

Rule 4 : If you think the UK is tough, wait till you try Spain. 

Rule 5 : Villa cleaning is not beneath your dignity. A previous generation of expats had a different word for villa cleaning; they called it opportunity. 

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your neighbours' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. 

Rule 7: Before you arrived, the traffic police weren't as tough as they are now. They got that way from dealing with expats with no paperwork, no insurance, no ITV and listening to you bang on about how you thought you were in the right. So before you abuse another officer to his face or on a forum, try getting your UK car registered here. Just because you have not done it for 7 years does not make it legal. 

Rule 8: The UK may have done away with winners and losers, but Spain HAS NOT. In the UK, they have a welfare state that supports people when they fall. They'll give to you as MANY TIMES as you want to - housing benefit, disability allowances, single-parent allowances, job-seeker allowances, free dental care and a NHS service that has got itself on its knees with more administrators than surgeons. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in Spain. 

Rule 9: Expat life is not divided into seasons. You don't get summers off from paying bills and very few landlords or mortgage lenders are interested in helping you "FIND YOURSELF IN SPAIN". 
Do that on your own time. Do that with your own money. 

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the bar and go to look for work. The prices on "A Place in the Sun" are pre the introdcution of the euro ....and it rains! 

Rule 11: Be nice to Spaniards. Chances are you'll end up needing one to help you. LEARN SPANISH...................................................you will not integrate and prosper with just English.


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## SteveHall (Oct 17, 2008)

Chocky from The International Supporters Club of Malaga CF - Peña Internacional Malaguista added 

Excellent post!

I'd like to add another few, not rules, just observations and corrections of many UK people's view of us here:

12. The whole of the Costa del Sol is not Blackpool and we don't all eat egg and chips every night, wear Union Jack speedos and have hankies on our heads.

13. The 'Costa del Crime' was a term used in the 70s and 80s before the boys got rounded up and sent back or moved off to pastures new fleeing the extradition laws. South London is 15 million times worse and add to that the hooded scum on the streets stabbing everyone - I would be afraid to walk out the door back there now. "Oh you moved to the Costa del Crime did you?" No, I didn't. Now pxxs off and go back to watching rubbish on Bravo about drunken tourist teenagers kicking the shxxx out of each other in 24-Hour Square every year.

14. "It's just as expensive in Spain as it in back in the UK now". Rubbish. If you want to shop at expensive supermarkets that import everything, drink and eat in touristy bars and restaurants or spend your nights out in Puerto Banus then, yes, you may have a point. And don't forget, if you're charged 5 euros somewhere for a vodka and orange, you will still be getting 3 or 4 times as much vodka as the pathetic optics in Blighty.

15. It's very easy to have a drink problem creep up on you. The coast is littered with alcoholics and drink dependents. And pxxx-heads like me. Hoot the Pacharán! 

16. Some winters, like this one, it rains.

17. And rains.

18. And rains.

19. And rains.

20. Oh and has tornadoes!


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I can't disagree with what Chocky says although I have "x"-ed out some of his words.


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## rospapergirl (Sep 10, 2008)

Steve,

These two posts should be the heading on this site as they give the facts and answer loads of questions!

Excellent work and amusing too!

Ros






SteveHall said:


> Chocky from The International Supporters Club of Malaga CF - Peña Internacional Malaguista added
> 
> Excellent post!
> 
> ...


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## XTreme (May 17, 2008)

I would also add get a nice website....and a donkey!


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## SteveHall (Oct 17, 2008)

I would get a nice website if I could find somebody who could make one. Know anybody XTreme? 

He/she would have to be prepared to meet up with the Costa Softies and leave his sheep at home.


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## tigersharkjs (Sep 19, 2008)

As always Steve, pithy and amusing and TRUE..Can't wait to meet you! I've updated my pathetic "passport" post =)


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## Barry Davys (Aug 2, 2008)

Steve,

Great piece but don't you also have to add 

"The value of the pound changes against the euro"


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## SteveHall (Oct 17, 2008)

Barry, a VERY wise addition. Thanks.

"The value of your pound can go down as well as down ...... or even disappear!"


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## chris(madrid) (Mar 23, 2008)

SteveHall said:


> 13. The 'Costa del Crime' was a term used in the 70s and 80s


 Now it's spelt in Cyrillic. I've a mate in Moscow who keeps telling me about their emigrants.


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