# Do in-laws ever apologize? Or is it just too far beneath them to admit they're wrong?



## KenHoulihan (Jul 19, 2021)

Was married for a decade to a lovely woman that just couldn't say no to her family, even at the expense of our own, you learn to roll with it and you're grateful when they're not calling to ask for more western unions after the usual large send every month. Last time we were in PH they tried to separate us after they spent the bulk of the £20,000 we came in with within a month so that I would send money to her from abroad which they would take for themselves while they kept her and our kids there, sending her to work for additional cash flow while they sat on their behind and "enjoyed" at our expense, that was all going according to their plan until they said I had an affair with a woman in our village, my wife knew me better than that, I got two hands when she isn't around.

Bebe Ko passed away from cancer last year.. needless to say while I'm grateful that lie was the *"HELLO!"* moment that snapped her out of their tribal grip and got us out of the country before she passed, I've never gotten over it and they won't admit what they've done, they can't admit they've done wrong at all even though we have it documented, it's all the "crazy white man" making Drama Pa More, I've tried to let that anger go but I can't, it makes me so mad I can't even see straight, I just want to smash their faces in..

They want involvement with the children, however I feel for me to accommodate that they need to show me respect, and that's done by repairing the damage they made trying to split us up, a simple apology. When I said that these were my terms I literally had almost each member of the family attack me, there are even some of her family that believe this is God's Will to punish me, they are glad I suffer, even though I know they aren't living the life they were before with the cessation of our incomes pouring into their household.

One of her neutral siblings that stayed quiet during the fight after her passing says this is what family do, but I don't have it in me anymore to be like my wife where things kept being swept under the rug, squandered money and the works... I can't tell you how many times I would watch after we would send money and they would not talk to her anymore until they needed more, never even said thank you, I can remember her tears and watching her suffer, no matter what she did it was never enough. I understand family values and Filipino culture, but at some point you have to draw a line.

So I'm expecting too much right? I want my kids to know who they are and where they come from, I want them to be fluent in the various dialects of the country, but I don't feel like I owe them anything after we literally gave everything the past ten years, and I don't think I'm asking much, own the lie and say you're sorry. Why is that so hard?

What are your thoughts?


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## M.C.A. (Feb 24, 2013)

Welcome to the forum Ken and my condolences for the loss of your wife.

Well you pretty much nailed it on how some (not all) of the In-laws treat us and for sure we are nothing to them but a wallet for their own personal gain. They do work and earn their own money so if they say they need money it's a lie, instead of laying around waiting for you to sppon feed them money they can get busy plucking ducks.

What many Expats also don't realize is that there's a Municipality or regional free clinic, hospital for poor citizens, you have to pay for testing and most medications but not for the staffing, so if the excuse is due to Doctor bills it's a fabrication. An In-law might need money if they have kids in school they'll need uniforms, supplies, that's a money challenge for the poor.

I no longer talk to our In-laws but I do talk with their children and now grand children and sometimes I'll spoil them with foods or treats or school supplies and hand me downs, I don't want any money to go to their parents, so if you want to keep up with the In-laws in the Philippines for your kids sake keep an open mind for those that aren't contaminated yet by the parents the parents will be a lost cause.

When things open up and you have the need to visit make a reservation at a Pool Resort and invite the family members that cooperate and want to get along plus the kids.


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## expatuk2016 (Mar 20, 2016)

I have heard and read many stories about your situation here in the Philippines ! Many have fallen into the " Family trap " and many marriages have broken because of it ! Yes Family comes first here but what the families forget that you become family when you marry their daughter ! Luckily for me my situation is different, yes we sent money for the mothers medicines etc and we helped pay to put neices and nephews through college etc but my wife insisted on limits which we never had to apply.
My wifes family is large but most are employed all around the world.
The only family member that lives with us is the wifes sister who has her own home and is a college teacher, we share expenses such as building costs etc and we no longer send money to the rest of thr family . I feel for you, but you need to stick to your guns, but you have to remember when you are in the Philippjnes the law will always be on the families side


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## KenHoulihan (Jul 19, 2021)

M.C.A. said:


> I no longer talk to our In-laws but I do talk with their children and now grand children and sometimes I'll spoil them with foods or treats or school supplies and hand me downs, I don't want any money to go to their parents, so if you want to keep up with the In-laws in the Philippines for your kids sake keep an open mind for those that aren't contaminated yet by the parents the parents will be a lost cause.
> 
> When things open up and you have the need to visit make a reservation at a Pool Resort and invite the family members that cooperate and want to get along plus the kids.


This is what's eating away at me, a couple of her siblings are still good with me, but at the same time they can't go against the family, any communication I have with them is off the radar, and I would gather at this point since I lost the plot with the family the last time we talked that there's guaranteed alienation between myself and the nieces and nephews, that is until I submit to their will and beliefs. When she died, they had this video montage of her life, all of the pictures that had me in it with her and the kids had me cropped out, and this was before the poop hit the fan, so it's definitely always been there, and I am seeing now there's probably not any way forward in a healthy or reciprocal fashion.

Basically because I lost my temper I have to be the one to apologize, even though I was justified, it's the fact that I let my Irish out and they had to eat it, it's sad that the two siblings that do still want relations with me could jeopardize their own standing in the family by having any kind of connection, though I do believe forgiveness with them would be swift.. even the friends we shared that have contact with her family that I thought I was close with have sided with the family..

Everyone has cut me off essentially because what I am doing is wrong in their eyes, so I think at this point just like my wife, accept that all hope is gone, and maybe try to be sneaky and do a two island rule when I come back. The general mindset related to me is that in time I'll bend to their whims like I used to when she was alive, but what they fail to realize is I only did that because I was doing it for her, I'd do anything for my wife, but I just can't get past the fact that they tried to destroy what was literally the best thing ever happened to me.

My wife's parents are older and sickly, they haven't met our third child yet, part of me has this idea that it would be the right thing to do before their time comes, though covid restrictions are keeping me from traveling... I've discussed that some with her brother, but noted as a reminder to him that their parents were also in on pushing that lie, and they knew it was a lie, too... It just blows me away how things turned out like this after I've been so supportive and good to them, in the end it didn't mean anything to them at all, just trash to be thrown away or burned in the pile. I don't know what to do anymore..



expatuk2016 said:


> you have to remember when you are in the Philippjnes the law will always be on the families side


I know... and I'm a good expat under a foreign flag, I can play ball by someone else's rules no sweat, but when it came to them trying to divide my family... God, I wouldn't wish that experience on my worst enemy, looking back I still can't. believe the things that happened.


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## wrussell (Jan 7, 2020)

Excerpts from one of my scrofulous novels:
The wife is outside killing a duck, beating it to death with 
bamboo sticks, little by little. Filipinos never do anything 
alone. Whatever is being done takes at least one expert and 
numerous assistants. Six toilers are taking turns with the 
duck. It takes all day to do the deed properly—something 
about the blood coming to the surface. I tried to learn the 
theory, but when Filipinos talk, everybody shouts and 
nobody listens. There was a clamour of, ‘Good morning sir, 
in response to my, ‘G'Day, how's it going?’ Even if they 
stopped to listen, they are too polite to tell me that it is none 
of my business. 
The feet have been claimed, and the intestines, the 
expected payment for the help—you lose the choicest parts. 
I should be grateful my relatives are not helping. We would 
be lucky to have the quack left...

His wife has never seen a washing machine or a hot 
shower. The hotel has had no hot water for a week. The 
engineer is working on it. She does not know which end of a 
telephone to talk at. She is terrified of boarding an aircraft. 
She speaks some English, but she has no real understanding 
of anything he says to her. She calls him sir. She cannot 
survive without her family. Her family do not intend to 
survive without his money. He must agree to send the 
family a small sum regularly, as does every foreign 
husband. Four hours later, we have no plan. ...

There are genuine marriages where the husband has 
to leave before all the paperwork for a visa is accomplished. 
Husbands send money to wives who are of no mind to travel 
while they are receiving a couple of hundred dollars a week 
and the whole family have stopped working and are living 
like monarchs. You either come and get them (the Stalin 
method) or give them a deadline and stop sending money 
(the Truman method). I can tell that Martin has thought 
about the quiet exit....


Christmas is nearly upon us and we are off shopping 
again. The shopping trips have become a pretext for me to 
buy lunch and pay for whatever else is needed. Yesterday 
we paid Land Transport Office a fee when they stopped the 
jeep and found it had been unregistered for years. It was my 
fault the fee was so large. When they saw a white man, they 
doubled the usual demand. Billy Boy spent an hour 
persuading them to split the difference....

The Philippine obligation to family will never 
change. There are rules, enshrined in law, about who shall 
support whom and under what conditions. There is little 
need for such laws. Even as a foreigner, I can go to any 
house in this country and be fed. My family will feed me 
forever if necessary. My reciprocal obligation is to feed my 
wife and the boy and give something, not much, to mother 
and grandmother as a sign of respect. I am unable to 
convince my family that I might earn dollars, but I have to 
pay dollars too. They multiply my salary by the conversion 
rate and call me a millionaire. Grotesque taxation rates and 
the medicare levy are not counted. 
The Philippine economy survives by sending 
workers abroad to sweat for slave wages in menial 
occupations. Maids and slaves go to Saudi, Hong Kong, 
Taiwan, anywhere. After the workers have repaid the fare 
and the fees there is not much left. Roughly enough to 
satisfy corrupt officials and pay the other costs. Spouses are 
separated from their families for a couple of years and a net 
gain of a few hundred dollars. False recruiters let hopefuls 
sell their last carabao or their only riceland to raise illegal 
fees for a job abroad. They take the last assets from people 
who are desperate, and vanish...

Speaking of feeding time at the zoo. Thank you for 
enquiring about my pecuniary circumstances. There have 
been endless such enquiries from people who have shown 
little demur in Asking, which I am beginning to find rather 
tiresome. If you know anybody who could use a thesis On 
The Limits of Fiscal Endurance, I do them for peanuts and 
forget. 
Mobbed by starving children and ravenous lions. 
Buried under defective documents, obtained at a cost that 
would have straitened Croesus (bankruptcy would be a 
mercy, but cannot be prayed for in conjunction with 
guarantees of support) hunted by hit persons, both real and 
metaphorical, vanishing at the rate of a kilo a month (even 
my tailor will not extend more credit and he is my brotherin-
law), hated and feared by every acronym in Oz—or at 
least hated, indubitably, to be clapped in irons at the first 
opportunity. 

Welcome to the club!


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## M.C.A. (Feb 24, 2013)

KenHoulihan said:


> Basically because I lost my temper I have to be the one to apologize, even though I was justified, it's the fact that I let my Irish out and they had to eat it, it's sad that the two siblings that do still want relations with me could jeopardize their own standing in the family by having any kind of connection, though I do believe forgiveness with them would be swift.. even the friends we shared that have contact with her family that I thought I was close with have sided with the family..
> 
> Everyone has cut me off essentially because what I am doing is wrong in their eyes, so I think at this point just like my wife, accept that all hope is gone, and maybe try to be sneaky and do a two island rule when I come back. The general mindset related to me is that in time I'll bend to their whims like I used to when she was alive, but what they fail to realize is I only did that because I was doing it for her, I'd do anything for my wife, but I just can't get past the fact that they tried to destroy what was literally the best thing ever happened to me.
> 
> My wife's parents are older and sickly, they haven't met our third child yet, part of me has this idea that it would be the right thing to do before their time comes, though covid restrictions are keeping me from traveling... I've discussed that some with her brother, but noted as a reminder to him that their parents were also in on pushing that lie, and they knew it was a lie, too... It just blows me away how things turned out like this after I've been so supportive and good to them, in the end it didn't mean anything to them at all, just trash to be thrown away or burned in the pile. I don't know what to do anymore..


You lost your temper and GOOD! and they more than likely had it coming, it's the man's position to make it known that enough is enough! You did the right thing and never apologize, please it means nothing here they will use that against you and only find more ways to cause you issues. It sounds like you've done enough for your In-laws they need to beg you for forgiveness but that will never happen the pride is very high. There's no forgiveness here I've been told and it seems to be somewhat true, they'll smile and act like everything's good to go but don't believe it and watch your back if you return.

Brother In-law claims the parents are in on the lie also, it's best to confront the parents yourself, family members tend to promote lies or insert their own personal views from what I've experienced but then again you might have it right that they all are against you, oh well you have your kids, you don't need the In-laws, they need you.

I don't see the Philippines opening up to foreign tourism for at least two years and that all depends on this ever changing Covid 19 virus.


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## Lunkan (Aug 28, 2020)

Well. Very sad. But I have managed to handle sorrows by what in Sweden is called "gallow humour" (=joikng about OWN problems.) 
Such transformed to situations like yours - An advantage with their terrible behaviour is the law say* family* have toi suppourt them *who do their best. *I suppouse the law mean doing their best to earn themselves financialy, but against terrible behaviour I would include they havent done their best emotionaly... And THEY have worked hard to eliminate you from family, which I interpreete as they dont count you as family, so you dont need to support them... 

It become complicated by some f them are nice. We cant expect them to go againt their family. (Although I know one Filipina who go againt PART of her family. The 2 eldest brothers and the third start copying their terrible behaviour against the good part of their family, when the brothers get drunk. I havent been there when they have, but she is tough so I suppouse she confront them, peraps not when they are drunk by other times. And she say all except one in her family is lazy, but I find that some to hard  finding three more ok.)
Do the good ones live together with the terrible ones? If nt or if they can get away enough to not be noticed you meet far enough away, you and the kids can meet them (and give them somnething. Something they can hide, or chose to share with the terribles ones, so they get a hint the good ones get, the errible ones dont...

I dont know if they are dangerous in that famiily, but if not I would perhaps bother to give the whole family one more chance to apologice by:
-I apologice for I got angry. When will you aplogice for you lied I had been cheating?
Or sarcastic version:
- I apologice for I got angry because you lied I had been cheating... 

How old are your kids?
Perhaps they can communicate themselves now or later with the good ones.


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## Hey_Joe (Sep 13, 2016)

Regarding: Do in-laws ever apologize? Or is it just too far beneath them to admit they're wrong?

There is something peculiar about the Tagalog and even the Filipino language. There is no word for "sorry" or "apology." When Filipinos are at fault, they say in Tagalog or Filipino, "Pasensiya na." That literally translates into, "Please forget your anger" or "Please let it go". It's important to note that the personal pronoun used is in second person, not the first. The addressee is being requested to act. The addressee is urged to calm down (in case of anger) or to back off (in case there is a desire to seek revenge). 
SOURCE: Lingual misunderstanding to blame for refusal to apologize?|Top News|chinadaily.com.cn


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## Lunkan (Aug 28, 2020)

Hey_Joe said:


> Regarding: Do in-laws ever apologize? Or is it just too far beneath them to admit they're wrong?
> 
> There is something peculiar about the Tagalog and even the Filipino language. There is no word for "sorry" or "apology." When Filipinos are at fault, they say in Tagalog or Filipino, "Pasensiya na." That literally translates into, "Please forget your anger" or "Please let it go". It's important to note that the personal pronoun used is in second person, not the first. The addressee is being requested to act. The addressee is urged to calm down (in case of anger) or to back off (in case there is a desire to seek revenge).
> SOURCE: Lingual misunderstanding to blame for refusal to apologize?|Top News|chinadaily.com.cn


 Very interesting 👍

But they have words for DENY they have done something bad so I suppouse they have words for not deny 
and they have words for "Thank youi" (Salamat po) but few say it anyway , except thanking God instead... (But my business partner has said many times to me e apriciate the opportunity I have given him - altough he isnt Filipinom he is tribe 

. . .
Today one got grumpy for I pay SAME price as owners ask for land, claining I take advantage of them although the alternative would be they would have got nothing because of almost no buyers... Athough perhaps she REALY got grumpy depending of they ask much less than she ask herself


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