# to those who moved to the us for their spouse...



## kirikara (Jan 21, 2009)

How are you handling it?

We settled down 3 years ago in the us right after getting married. My (american) hubby has never lived abroad and I was in london for 3 yrs prior to my move so it made sense for me to come over.

We live in chicago, work is fine, we just bought a lovely place near the lake and renovated it and just got two kitties which are just a joy.

Somehow, i still have strong up and downs.. I chose to live here because of my husband, it was pretty much always decided it would be this way and we also feel like at some point we might go back to France (although I don't foresee that in the near future for many reasons) but I was never that enticed to move to the Us. Leaving France was very tough, but I tried to adapt, got a good job, made friends and enjoyed the things that I would never be able to afford back home that I can here...

There are things I really like about this culture (the entrepreneur spirit and positivity as an example) but there is a lot that is part of it too that just goes against a lot of my life principles/beliefs and the lifestyle i would ideally want to be part of.

I struggle a lot with this, probably too much since I enjoy my day to day life for the most part, the only big thing missing being enough time off/flexibility to see my family in France.(only have 2 weeks off a year)

I am wondering if anyone here is going through the same or a similar time here...
It just feels like somehow I don't want to let myself settle here because I am afraid i would feel like I am a "sell out". it is like I am part of this place because I am doing everything to be part of it, but mentally my heart and brain is strongly rejecting the idea of living here.

The strange thing is, I really do know that France would not be better, life would not be nearly as comfortable (maybe warmer though), there are many things that I dislike in France, but they are just less important to me. (i'd take universal healthcare over shopping on Sundays anytime...)


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## Tiffani (Dec 4, 2007)

I think what you're going through is normal, and not necessarily confined to people who move abroad for the sake of a spouse.

I don't have any real advice for you because I experience similar feelings (I am a US expat living in Australia), but just know that you're not alone 

{{{hugs}}}


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

Hi and bienvenue au forum!

Boy, a few years back, I could have written the very same post, only reversing the countries. I am married to a Frenchman and we live in France. The first several years here, I was absolutely miserable - and for much the same sorts of reasons that you mention.

There are lots of things I like about France (universal healthcare being one of them), but like you say, many things about the culture here offend against my notions of "right and wrong." I won't go into details, but I definitely understand how you must be feeling in the reverse situation.

What kept me hanging in there was the knowledge that, if I insisted that we move back to the US, my husband would probably be more miserable there than I was in France, and would have less of a "coping mechanism" to deal with it. (Face it, women are better at dealing with this sort of thing.  )

What finally knocked me out of my funk was finding my own group of friends - in a local AVF group that includes a range of both French and "foreigners." Of course, I work out of our home (DH and I work together in our own company) and part of my problem was related to perhaps a bit too much togetherness combined with the need to strike out on my own over here.

At one point, though, I just decided to hunker down and deal with the situation as it was. After going back to the US to visit on a regular basis, I realize I couldn't live there any more - it really has changed in the 15 years or so that I've been away. Love visiting the place, but couldn't go back there to live. France is changing, too, but it will take you a while to really start feeling like a "foreigner" over there.

Make use of all the electronic marvels at your disposal to stay in touch with friends and family - e-mail, VOIP phone calls, video calls, blogs, whatever. But realize that the ties are going to loosen a bit, or at least change and that the folks back home may not understand what's going on. Try to get them to come over and visit you for a change - they've got more vacation time. (Yeah, I know, the French don't normally like travelling outside their comfort zone, but see what you can do.)

Sorry this is so long and rambling, but I've been there and I do know how you're feeling. It takes time and some decisions on your part to get through it. Keep posting here - we can get you through it, I bet!
Cheers,
Bev


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## kirikara (Jan 21, 2009)

*thanks...*

Hi!
Boy it took me a while to find a decent expat forum (see the timing of my post..) but I am glad I posted here.
I really appreciate both of your posts. It really helps to feel that you, bev, as an american woman felt the same way in France! (now that i think about it, i can very well imagine what issues you might have ..)
I guess my hubby and I are spending a little bit too much time together and maybe the expat group is a good one. I do have friends here but they are all american and this kind of issue is hardly something I can share with them...it might offend them the same way it does offend my husband...
I feel like I have done a lot to make myself comfortable here...but the last step might be to find people who can I relate to for this kind of times.
It is a very difficult feeling to explain to someone that is not going through it.
My parents are coming to visit soon and I guess you are right that it would be a good thing if for once people come here and not the opposite.. Surely with 8 weeks vacation they must have some time.. !
I am working with my job to be able to work from home so I can take double the time off and work part time, which would suit me. Let's hope it works.
I am sure I will be here soon but thanks for sharing.
I guess it all comes down to the fact that no matter what , in a marriage you have to compromise... mine might just have been Location...the question is can i really do it, I guess..We will see.
The hard part is, after 3 years in london, i already felt a little bit of a foreigner in france, now it has been 6 and I do feel like once you have left your home country you are never really back.
Not feeling home here in the US and not really either at home is a very uncomfortable feeling sometimes, that I am sure you both experience.


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

That's one of the big discoveries of the expat life - you aren't really "home" anywhere anymore. If you can find a copy of Bill Bryson's book "I'm a Stranger Here Myself" pick it up. It describes his return to the US after 25 years of living in the UK. It's very funny - and now it seems he and the family have moved back to the UK.

And you're right about not being able to discuss the things that bother you about where you are with either your husband or your American friends. If you can find some other French expats, or any other foreigners, you may find it very therapeutic. Americans never realize how "peculiar" they seem to those from other places. (Neither do the French, for that matter.)

It's also very different for those who have moved overseas as a couple. When you're married to someone from another culture/country you can't "vent" about your frustrations at home like they can - at least not without upsetting or hurting your partner, who doesn't see his culture as peculiar at all.

At least you seem to be doing very well in the language department. (I speak French reasonably well, but I still HATE to have to write in French because I just don't think to stick on the extra e's and s's and whatever... So much easier when you're speaking to just kind of mumble your way through.)
Cheers,
Bev


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## twostep (Apr 3, 2008)

The real confusion sets in when you visit home and start going through culture shock.


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

twostep said:


> The real confusion sets in when you visit home and start going through culture shock.


Oh heck, I used to have that problem when I went back "home" to the East Coast after living a while on the West Coast of the US! 
Cheers,
Bev


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## twostep (Apr 3, 2008)

Bevdeforges said:


> Oh heck, I used to have that problem when I went back "home" to the East Coast after living a while on the West Coast of the US!
> Cheers,
> Bev


After an exiting two weeks at my parents I asked my husband if we could have a beer before our flight home. He did not believe his ears:>)

Chicago would not be my choice of location. We lived in WA, GA, DC, VA, AL. I thought AL would be a short stop but it turned out to be perfect for us. Big city life but a bit of The Southern Way of Life is still there.


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## kirikara (Jan 21, 2009)

twostep said:


> After an exiting two weeks at my parents I asked my husband if we could have a beer before our flight home. He did not believe his ears:>)
> 
> Chicago would not be my choice of location. We lived in WA, GA, DC, VA, AL. I thought AL would be a short stop but it turned out to be perfect for us. Big city life but a bit of The Southern Way of Life is still there.



Well,Chicago was not our top choice at first either. I could very well do away with the weather, it is hardly human conditions if you ask me . We looked at all our options before settling down in Chicago: San francisco, san Diego or Portland where our top choices but SF was out of the question for $ reason, so was san diego...
When we finally had to decide on a place to move to, we figured we already where miles away from my family it was silly to move across the us for no reason (we had no jobs there) especially since we were planning a big move to france at some point in our life. My hubby's family is from wisconsin.. I got a great job in the chicago suburb's and it was an affordable big city. Plus, after Paris and London, i moved to Dubuque, IA and wanted a piece of my big city life back and I dont think Portland would have cut it.

I really do get the culture shock when I go back to France but it is a sweeter feeling  dont you think? probably because it is mixed with nostalgia and for a shorter time. I think I would be so frustrated if I was going back!


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## twostep (Apr 3, 2008)

Try Indianhead, MD or Weedowee, AL for need of city life:>)
We found big city with star restaurants, top entertainment, 30 minutes to the beach and 30 minutes to the mountains. The biggest surprise were the people - open and accepting others with strange habits, accents ... into their midst.

You misjudged Portland:>)

One week of Germany and I reach my tolerance threshold for overcrowded public transportation, rude teenagers, no parking and less and less good restaurants. Maybe it is the lack of space - geographic space and personal space given/accepted that gets to me.


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## frenchie (Dec 12, 2008)

This is a very interesting thread!

I am also French and came here over 6 years ago. At first, I came for school and then fell in love with my hubby so I stayed. 
At first, I loved the US but now I am just wanting to go home badly. I miss the food and like you said, the vacation time! My parents are also getting older so I want to see them more than once every 2 years... Luckily, hubby wants to move back with me in 2012 if I can find a job (tough when my career is in accounting). 

I visited France back in 2006 and boy did I feel a stranger in my home country. French people seemed lazy and unhappy in general. They have it all but still whine all day and night! I missed the random running to the store at 10pm for organic roma tomatoes, the fake smile at the cashier lane... More seriously, it is tough being an expatriate! Your country changes without you.

But you know, after 6 years like you, I am not sure I would fit in France. Our mentalities are different and we don't feel in the regular "mold".

I am sorry I didn't write a peachy message but I guess you'd rather want the truth and nothing but the truth! Nice to meet another French expatriate in this country! 

PS: Like Bev mentioned, finding some french expatriates will help a bit! Oh and don't forget to get mom to send you some french goodies, it helps tremendously!


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

Hey, frenchie, great post! But don't downplay your ability to find a job in France these days. I'm told that "anglo-saxon accounting experience" is in high demand over here. Combine that with fluent English and you probably won't have that much trouble finding a job in France - though best to wait until we see where this worldwide financial crisis is going. (Oh yeah, I'm an accountant, too.)
Cheers,
Bev


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## frenchie (Dec 12, 2008)

Bevdeforges said:


> Hey, frenchie, great post! But don't downplay your ability to find a job in France these days. I'm told that "anglo-saxon accounting experience" is in high demand over here. Combine that with fluent English and you probably won't have that much trouble finding a job in France - though best to wait until we see where this worldwide financial crisis is going. (Oh yeah, I'm an accountant, too.)
> Cheers,
> Bev


Oh really?? I have been looking online for jobs without a luck. I do not have the CPA as I can't bring myself to go through a master program while working full time. 

All the jobs offers I have seen, mentioned the "must-have"french degrees and experiences which I have neither. 
I even looked at the "Tresor public" without luck, they are very strict on which degrees you must have. Oh and I am a State Auditor so my field is very specific. I think I probably should go into a broader accounting field. 

What about you? What is your specialty?

There was some talk few years ago, on how France was gonna adopt the anglo-saxon accounting system but never heard anything since. Have you?

Sorry for the highjack thread, Bev just gave me a glimpse of hope!  Thanks Bev.


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## synthia (Apr 18, 2007)

I've met people who have never adjusted. A dentist in Quito, whose wife stuck it out in New York for seven years, hated it, and decided to move back. He agreed that if she gave it seven years, he owed her the same. It worked out there, and they stayed.

I do think Bev's suggestion of finding some friends from your home country helps. When I lived in South Africa, there were exactly three other Americans in the area (say within a radius of 100 miles). One of them had been there forever, so really didn't count. Getting together with the others was great, because if nothing else, we could compare our reactions to all those odd little things that occur.


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## twostep (Apr 3, 2008)

Mingle with the "natives", look at you from their point of view, be open.


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

frenchie said:


> Oh really?? I have been looking online for jobs without a luck. I do not have the CPA as I can't bring myself to go through a master program while working full time.
> 
> All the jobs offers I have seen, mentioned the "must-have"french degrees and experiences which I have neither.
> I even looked at the "Tresor public" without luck, they are very strict on which degrees you must have. Oh and I am a State Auditor so my field is very specific. I think I probably should go into a broader accounting field.
> ...


Are you looking for jobs in the US or in France? Here in France, there's an agence interim in the shopping center where I shop. All the signs in the window are looking for "excellent anglais" and "expérience comptabilité anglo-saxon" - both of which I just happen to have.

Now, I have yet to go in and actually ask about those jobs. I'm working with the disadvantage of age - but perhaps for a temporary job, they'd be happy to have a "wise old bird" like me for a few months without the long term committment. But, in the meantime, I have a job - as an accountant for the company my husband and I run out of the house.

You're probably right, though, the French do seem to insist on particular degrees more than actual experience on the job. I kind of luck out, since I've got my CPA and an MBA (though it's surprising how often French people have no idea what that is) - plus accounting experience in four countries.

France is gradually moving to the international accounting standards. (Actually, so is the US.) But I'll be surprised if they ever give up imposing their uniform chart of accounts.
Cheers,
Bev


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

synthia said:


> I do think Bev's suggestion of finding some friends from your home country helps. When I lived in South Africa, there were exactly three other Americans in the area (say within a radius of 100 miles). One of them had been there forever, so really didn't count. Getting together with the others was great, because if nothing else, we could compare our reactions to all those odd little things that occur.


It's not necessarily friends from your home country (although, if you're French, maybe that is the best approach). There aren't too many other Americans in my area, but I've found I bond pretty quickly with the Brits and Germans. Part of it is simply to find other foreigners with whom you can make comments like, "Have you ever noticed how they [i.e. the native population] do, or think, or act like...?" without insulting anyone.

I went to a meeting today in Paris where we were discussing problems encountered in our local associations. The man across the table from me (who was French) started talking about how difficult it is to run a meeting in France - because everyone talks at the same time, and no one is willing to actually DO anything but talk about problems, and no matter what you decide at the end of the meeting, someone will always come up later to say, "I have a better idea."

I was nearly convulsed in laughter, because this is exactly what I've discussed countless times with my Brit friends here - but of course, because we're foreigners, we can't ever bring this up when we're among the French. He could, because he's French - and he had noticed how fervently I was agreeing with him in everything he said. We had a great time together after the meeting, but it's rare you stumble onto a local who appreciates how us foreigners see the French!
Cheers,
Bev


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## frenchie (Dec 12, 2008)

Bevdeforges said:


> Are you looking for jobs in the US or in France? Here in France, there's an agence interim in the shopping center where I shop. All the signs in the window are looking for "excellent anglais" and "expérience comptabilité anglo-saxon" - both of which I just happen to have.
> 
> Now, I have yet to go in and actually ask about those jobs. I'm working with the disadvantage of age - but perhaps for a temporary job, they'd be happy to have a "wise old bird" like me for a few months without the long term committment. But, in the meantime, I have a job - as an accountant for the company my husband and I run out of the house.
> 
> ...


Hey Bev, 
Thanks for replying again! I appreciate!
It is funny how the job market in France is the polar opposite of the US one. Here they care more about experience than anything else. In France, they want a silly degree lol. 
Accounting experience in 4 countries, a CPA and a MBA, wow, hats off to you! That is impressive! You could easily find a job, no matter how old you think you are! 

I am looking for a job in France. I already have a job with the State of WA, which I am thankful for, seeing the situation of the economy. But I want to go home so badly so I am preparing my return. Oh boy, what a headache!


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## synthia (Apr 18, 2007)

People from the same country are a bit more likely to notice the same differences, I think, though talking to any expat helps enormously. If nothing else, you stop thinking you are the only one, and that you might be going a bit nuts.


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

Frenchie, the job market here in France is tough at the best of times. Right now it's probably a little tougher than usual. Given your experience, you might have an easier time of it if you looked into working temp when you first get back. That gives you a chance to get your bearings and to have a little bit of French work experience under your belt.

I would imagine that one big issue for a French company hiring someone who has been working in the US is the very different working styles and expectations between the two cultures. As someone who has worked in the US, you may not be very happy going into a situation where you are expected to keep your head down and just do your own job. Because of the difficulty of firing someone here, a French employer would be wary of taking on someone with "too high expectations" or working ways that might be disruptive to "how it has always been."
Cheers,
Bev


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## kirikara (Jan 21, 2009)

Hi Bev, this is a really interesting comment.. I am myself always thinking about coming home but since I left france when I was 22 for studying in london where i got my real job expereince and then moved to the us (have been working here for 3 years now) I am always worried about the work life culture shock I might have. I always wondered what would be the things that would sjock/annoy me the most, things I woould have a tough time with...
I did work in France in a big corporation for 3 summers but It was such a long time ago...
i never though about working temp for a while... I guess it would help getting back my carte vitale rights since i probably lost them by now, and eventually might help go in between time of rmi and paid work if I have a tough time. we do also have our own businesses but nothing that we can live off for now.
Maybe I will start checking what temp agency are around cassis/aubagne...which is ultimately where I would want to be even though I am from Lille and most my friends are in Paris.

Question for you Bev, we just bought our own place in chicago where it was fairly affordable for a big city, and my parents keep telling me how difficult it is to get a mortgage in france and buy.. how lucky i am etc..
Have you had tough experience with finding housing. I know the whole deal about 3 months caution and all that, but I only ever looked for a place in Paris (not the easiest) and was wondering what had been your experience in province...(are you in province?)


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

Hi kirikara - I'm actually in the Ile de France, so not quite the province... but almost.

And I've been spared having to worry about finding housing, since I just moved into DH's house. (DH = dear husband) He has lived here for ages, having built the house years ago. My big experience in finding housing was going with a British girlfriend while she looked at flats in Paris.

Hey, my DH is from Lille! Have you seen the Ch'ti movie yet? I got the DVD at Christmas and made DH sit down with me to watch it. He actually enjoyed it (He isn't usually into films.) I saw the film originally on a flight over to the US and thought it was really funny. 
Cheers,
Bev


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## trwilliams5537 (Jan 30, 2009)

I am also an american citizen living in australia. I have been here for 8 months. I am considering a permanent job but my family/friends and cost of living is such a factor. Everything is so expensive here. I am currently paid in US dollars so okay but I would not have the purchase power if I took the permanent job and was paid in AUD. I also just found out that the tax rate is 10% higher. Is an extra 10 hours of free time a week worth it when you have no money.


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## kirikara (Jan 21, 2009)

trwilliams5537 said:


> I am also an american citizen living in australia. I have been here for 8 months. I am considering a permanent job but my family/friends and cost of living is such a factor. Everything is so expensive here. I am currently paid in US dollars so okay but I would not have the purchase power if I took the permanent job and was paid in AUD. I also just found out that the tax rate is 10% higher. Is an extra 10 hours of free time a week worth it when you have no money.


Well I guess it all depends where you are at in your life. Personnally it will depend on the quality of life offered.. There is plenty of things to do for free when you are living in a beautiful area with gorgeous weather. There definitely has to be a balance and enough money to sustain a decent lifestyle, but if you ask me, yes i would take 10 hours of free time for less money...
For now, I keep up with the more money no time lifestyle since we are newlyweds and I have only been working for a few years, but I know that i wont for the rest of my life and also know that I could live much more stressless life if I was making the choice to cut down the pay but have more free time...

But you do have a point, had I stayed in France after graduating, I would never be a condo owner and have the same lifestyle by now. So i guess, it is an opportunity to take the advantages of each countries and make them work for you?

Although, money is not the only factor... We probably would not have considered settling down in France unless I had a job that could support both of us. Simply because my hubby was not ready for that yet.


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## vivlan1 (Jan 30, 2009)

*Husband moved to US for me*

Although my profile shows me as Tunisian, living in America, that's actually my husband's case. I'm American and went to Tunisia for 1.5 years and didn't enjoy it, mostly because we lived too far from the modern cities. Eventually for a complex set of reasons, we both agreed to go live in America, although my husband wasn't too keen on the idea. He likes a smaller type of life with neighbors that help each other out and having friends to call on all the time. 

So he's been here a month and he absolutely hates it-- Winter in the North East probably being the worst time for someone from the Sahara to experience. 

I'm wondering if any other expats in the US have any suggestions that can help me ease my husbands circumstance? I enrolled my husband in ESL classes, and on the placement-exam days he seemed to be really happy-- I assume from the contact with other students like him. Classes don't start for another 2 weeks, so I'm looking for another outlet for him. I thought about a Gym, getting a side-job (we own a company together and work from home, which is a major part of his depression), volunteering at a French school for children. My creativity is waning...does any one have other ideas, or experiences that have worked for them?

Any advice will help. Thanks so much.


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## Tiffani (Dec 4, 2007)

hi, I would look for a Franco-phone or Arabic or Muslim (if he's Muslim, that is) group for him to get involved in. He'll meet people and be able to speak his own language which is hugely comforting for someone who is having culture shock... as long as he speaks English enough to be learning it too though. He'll also meet people who have been through what he's been through, and it helps to know you're not alone.


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## kirikara (Jan 21, 2009)

Bevdeforges said:


> Hi kirikara - I'm actually in the Ile de France, so not quite the province... but almost.
> 
> And I've been spared having to worry about finding housing, since I just moved into DH's house. (DH = dear husband) He has lived here for ages, having built the house years ago. My big experience in finding housing was going with a British girlfriend while she looked at flats in Paris.
> 
> ...



Yes, I have seen the movie too. It was fun, i was just disappointed not to see Lille more in the movie but hey.. that was not the point..(plus it is too pretty)
Have you been to Lille? I have recently been back there and I was amazed how pretty it was. I hadn't been for at least 4 years. 

So since my big down time when I started the thread, I decided to take into consideration that living here was not my personnal choice (joining my husband was), and I also decided I want to see more of the Us. I want to go to Sonoma, florida , maine... I want to see the america I am bound to love... I do think it would make a HUGE difference if we were living in a warmer climate...

Mu husband, also finally started to be a little more understanding and even got so far to say that after all maybe we should seriously consider giving France a try for a little while (or more) when we feel ready. He made a very valid point which is we cant keep wondering if we would be happier there...(he does too, although mostly because of me)

Personnaly i feel like things would have been much easier if I was not dealing with 6 months of snow and subzero temps when my family is bathing in the sun on the Riviera...


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

kirikara;100160
Personnaly i feel like things would have been much easier if I was not dealing with 6 months of snow and subzero temps when my family is bathing in the sun on the Riviera...:)[/QUOTE said:


> Hey, don't forget, this has been a particularly brutal winter over there in the US. (I'm from New England, which is getting hit bad this year, too, after several particularly mild winters.) The first year I lived in Chicago, they had more snow than they had ever had - a big storm every Sunday night during the month of January. Of course my (then) husband and I were in a line of work where we HAD to get into work on Monday mornings. By the end of the month, the snow banks were so high, you couldn't see around the corners when you tried to pull out into the main streets. (And of course, in Chicago, there were the neighborhoods where folks hadn't voted the "right" way - that weren't plowed at all!)
> 
> Right now is just not a good time to be making a big move (like back to France). Until this economic crisis settles out, it sounds like you're in a pretty good spot. Jobs are getting harder to find here in France - and immigration is just going to get harder, no matter where you're from and where you're going. Now is the time to research what you need to do to keep your options open (e.g. your husband learning or brushing up his French, you might consider getting some training or experience that would be useful back in France, etc.) while doing some of that stuff you mentioned: traveling around the US a bit, for example.
> 
> ...


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## kirikara (Jan 21, 2009)

vivlan1 said:


> Although my profile shows me as Tunisian, living in America, that's actually my husband's case. I'm American and went to Tunisia for 1.5 years and didn't enjoy it, mostly because we lived too far from the modern cities. Eventually for a complex set of reasons, we both agreed to go live in America, although my husband wasn't too keen on the idea. He likes a smaller type of life with neighbors that help each other out and having friends to call on all the time.
> 
> So he's been here a month and he absolutely hates it-- Winter in the North East probably being the worst time for someone from the Sahara to experience.
> 
> ...



vivlan1, you should try the meetup website. Around chicago there seem to be a few groups. I have never met with them yet but they have several group, one for esl speakers, one for rench expat, one for people who just want to speak french, I would not be surprised if they had a tunisia related one in your area if you are in a big city or close by.
There should also be some french or tunisian group, maybe the embassy has info on that.
Also where do you live? given the economic situation I would not suggest a move just yet, but maybe you could consider moving to a warmer area later on, like Atlanta, which to me is a big city but does not feel like one, especially if you were to live in a smaller town outside the city limits...


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## vivlan1 (Jan 30, 2009)

Thanks for the suggestions! I found the meetup website to be a great idea...since we live close to NYC we found several groups he's interested in. Also I did a huge search for Arab organizations and found one that was hosting a small concert-- we went and my husband was so happy, which of course made me so happy and relieved. 

We'll probably stay around NY for the time being...if we ever move it will probably be overseas to France, perhaps.


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## Aurita (Feb 23, 2009)

Hi
I could not help writing in. I am an Indian yet felt so aligned with what you all have written that I am thinking maybe the immigrant experience is all the same. I lived in US in Portland for a while and I was hit by terrible bouts of homesickness and the sense of being a fish out of water. I loved many things about the US, the work ethic, the dir, directness, the love for outdoors and the natural beauty, the warmth and friendliness of people but I still found it hard to deal with the lack of interpersonal warmth bordering on noseyness that we enjoy in India, the close community feelings, the chaos, the sounds of Indian music, the colours that people wear. It sounds weird I suppose to anyone who has seen and known either country. 
I also felt in a craziest way that getting too comfortable was "selling out" even though I have never been xenophobic or had issues with those who did leave India for US. Yet, I found myself feel extremely confused. Now that I am back home, I find the crowds, the lack of infrastructure, the extreme inquisitiveness difficult to handle.. and I suspect its true, i will now never be back to normal. I found out later that many of my fellow country people actually use the excellent communities that we immediately form in a new place to build relationships and ties and survive those feelings of being cut off from the umbilical cord (truly that is what it felt like). 
Just wanted to vent and hope this helps.


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## asimegusta (Mar 14, 2009)

*I moved to France after meeting my French DH*

Oh wow, I'm a newbie here, been lurking politely, but just couldn't resist commenting.

You see I moved to France after meeting my French DH while we both were getting degrees at UC*. It all sounded very exciting to me. I was already an out-of-state student and always wanted to live in Europe, well Germany, but love changes things. . My soon to be DH helped, since from day one, he refused to speak another word of English to me again.

Over 15+ yrs. later, I now feel like a foreigner when home in the States, but there, people consider me one of theirs. On the contrary, when at home in France, I feel totally "chez moi", but there, people remind me often that I'm not one of theirs.

I live, I mean I eat, drink, dress and dance the french way of life, speak and write perfectly.
And still love it, but with a dash of homesickness, a weariness.

I'm not sure about the effectiveness of increasing contact with the home country as a way of alleviating homesickness. For me, it's like having one foot on the dock and the other in the boat, or sitting between two chairs. As long as I had no more than infrequent letter contact, I loved being where I was, never missed anything, never gave it a thought and was "happy as a clam".

Incidentally, of the half-dozen or so other American wives of Frenchmen from our UC group that came back at the same time, I am the only one NOT to have returned to the States, dragging hubby behind within the first year or so. And all these were calling home weekly, going and coming for holidays, having the children stay with relatives on school vacation, have family visits, into local Expat groups etc. 

Maybe just a coincidence.


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

asimegusta said:


> Over 15+ yrs. later, I now feel like a foreigner when home in the States, but there, people consider me one of theirs. On the contrary, when at home in France, I feel totally "chez moi", but there, people remind me often that I'm not one of theirs.
> 
> I live, I mean I eat, drink, dress and dance the french way of life, speak and write perfectly.
> And still love it, but with a dash of homesickness, a weariness.


Welcome to the wonderful world of the expat - being an expat means never being completely "at home" in any country, for exactly the reasons you've cited. 

I've been in France for almost 15 years now - in Europe for nearly 20 - and like you am married to a Frenchman, and now have dual French-American citizenship. But like you say, the French will never accept me as "really French." (I've had more than a couple of folks say this to me.)

For the last several years, I've made two trips a year back to the US to visit my Dad. He died late last year, and this year I'll make two more trips back to wrap up his affairs, and attend a high school reunion, and after that I don't think I'll have any compelling reason to go back there - at least not for a long, long time. 

I've always been a little bit amazed at how some of the American expat group members maintain ties back to "the old country" the way they do. And a few American widows even wind up moving back to the US after having spent 30 or more years in France. I don't think I could do that. I enjoy my visits back there - but I clearly don't belong there anymore.
Cheers,
Bev


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