# Moving abroad or settle down



## BcRich

Hello,

I am a single male 29 years old turning 30 this March and have an opportunity and hand to travel for an expat opportunity spanning two years in Japan. I have previously been studying in Japan during 2008/2009 and basically that's when my interest in Japan started. I have been seriously keen and excited on going for a long time which has led me to this point but as the date of leaving is actually closing in, a couple of worries suddenly appeared within me that wasn't present before. They have been quite significant causing lack of sleep and worries recently.

1. A majority of friends are starting to get married and having kids while I am still just postponing such things for later. Am I getting too old for this kind of opportunity and should I be focusing on settling down in my home country like everyone else? I imagine my opportunities will be worse if I return as a 32 year old single have to fix my whole life at once when coming back to my home country.

2. Guilt towards family and friends. As I am leaving, friends and family have been concerned about my intentions and seem to be worried that I might stay in Japan forever. I have had thoughts on this possibility as it wouldn't surprise me if I would get involved with a Japanese girl and consider it tough getting home again but I'd rather not think about too much and take one day at a time. To rule out this option would be to cancel the trip and settle at home leaving this possibility to rest but it just feels emotionally wrong.

Should I take to opportunity or should I choose an "ordinary" life at home?

Anyone who has had similar thoughts before leaving and what was your choice, how did things turn out for you? How did your family deal with your choices of possibly staying?


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## larabell

An interesting pair of questions, for sure. I didn't have any qualms at the time (for personal reasons that I won't get into) but speaking from the "other side of the fence", as it were, I can certainly offer an opinion based on my own experience.

The first time I moved to Japan, I was 37. The second time I was 42. You're not too old to embark on an adventure. If it doesn't pan out and you go back home after the two years are up, I doubt that will make any difference in the long run. People start successful families at 40 -- you'll be much younger than that when you get back so don't make that a criteria for your decision.

As for the possibility of staying forever... there's certainly a chance that could happen. I know quite a few people who came for a year or two and never went back. Of course, I'd hope that if that does happen that it's your conscious choice and that you make the decision based on where you feel you'd be happiest. Japan has its upside and its downside but almost everyone I know who has been here for a long time (ie: more than 5 years) is here because they're happy here (well... with one exception that I can think of ).

If you meet someone here that you like, why is that any different from staying home and meeting someone you like over there? Obviously friends and family will prefer you to stay put and never change -- life is easier when nobody around you changes. But that's not only an unreasonable expectation, since nobody ever really stays the same forever... it's also not as big a deal as you make it seem. If you're happy here, whether it's for two years or twenty, your friends and family will understand. I believe it was Mark Twain who said: "those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter". Your parents, of all people, will realize that the culmination of their efforts over the years is your ultimate departure from the nest to set out on your own quest. Besides... with technology what it is today, you're really no further away from home over here than if you moved to the next State. It's just that the Skype calls will happen at ridiculous hours.

I'd suggest that if you're going for the adventure, do it. You'll kick yourself for the rest of your life if you don't. If you're going because you're running away from something back home, face up to that before making the decision. But don't decide based on what you think other people expect of you or, more likely, what you believe other people might expect of you.

Also... be aware that many things are different here and you'll go through a period where all you see is the downside -- pretty much everyone I've talked to had has the same experience. But if you give it the full two years, you'll be in a much better position to judge which lifestyle suits you the most. And, like I said, if you decide that Japan just isn't your cup of tea, you're still only 31/32 and have plenty of time to start a family and lots of interesting stories to tell your grandchildren.


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## BcRich

That's a great and very fulfilling answer.

I have been thinking and finally decided I will go for it. I was blowing it up a bit more than necessary as you stated and it is not like I will be trapped in Japan if I don't like it. It will be a bit overwhelming now to pack and get going but I think it will be worth it in the end. Sweden will always be here and I can return anytime if I feel that it doesn't work out.

I know I will probably like it over there but I think that my attachment to family and friends will make me realize that it is time to return back to reality after the two years. I will see it as a stepping stone enriching my life and seeing whether working abroad is something for future as well.


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## xxxxxxxxxexEnglishteacher

Hi,
Sounds like you've made your decision, but anyway I can only agree with the other response you've had. You're still young, and being a guy haven't got a strict biological clock or anything that'd stop you settling down when you're 32, 35, 40 etc. There's no set time for anything, and especially nowadays people have been pushing out the time of starting a family or settling down. If is should be with a Japanese girl, let it be, let life take you. There's no rule there either, it might happen, might not, if it does, you might live in Japan, Sweden, or elsewhere...
You'll probably have an interesting and good time there, experience new things... and if it doesn't work out, you can always change the plan as you go along.
All in all, I think, if you're interested, just go for it! Only you know the answer, what you really want, and once you made your mind up, just don't worry about your decision any more. Just live it and see what happens.
Take care and have a great trip!


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