# Expat guilt. :(



## dgarstang (May 7, 2013)

All,

Anyone got any coping mechanisms, pills, good books to read, for expat guilt?

Originally from Australia. Came to the US in 2000. I feel like I belong in the US. I really don't enjoy living in Australia at all. However, my father who is 72, and my sister who is 34, are both back in Australia. My dad is in good health but obviously he's getting older. I'm 43 and single, and well, pretty much always been single. I don't do so well with the opposite sex. I imagine I might go back to Australia one day to retire or something but for now I prefer the lifestyle and opportunity here in the US. Oh, but the guilt... Being single I guess means I have no one here I'm responsible for which I suppose makes the guilt even worse. 

Anyway, coping mechanisms, advice, pills, books greatly appreciated.

Doug


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

I was in much the same position - only child living at the opposite end of the continent from my parents, and then I took off for Europe. About the best you can do is to take advantage of all the current technology to maintain some sort of regular contact, and budget in a trip back to visit on some sort of regular basis - even if that is only once a year or every two or three years.

When things start to get tougher for your father, you may have to find ways to deal with the various agencies online. I became a signer on my Dad's bank account after my mother died, and that wound up being very handy so that I could basically pay his bills and deal with his finances as he started to need more care. My Dad refused to have anything to do with computers - and it was only in his last years that Skype started offering stuff like a local phone number so people could call from "back there" and reach me here in France. But even if he didn't use the number, it meant the nursing home staff were able to call me directly. (No one in America seems to be comfortable making international calls, especially from work.)

Basically, you cope. But there is one book that I found really interesting - Another Country by Mary Pipher. The author compares growing old with dropping someone in another country where they don't understand the customs and the protocols, etc. For those of us who have coped with that, it sure makes it somewhat easier to understand what our parents are going through.
Cheers,
Bev


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## twostep (Apr 3, 2008)

You and your sibling need to figure things out and have the appropriate documents drawn up. Who will handle things if you are incapacitated?

From cheap cell phone plans to pay as you services such as OneSuite (I have been using it with my cell for over ten years to Spain and Germany) to Skype and apps - the world has shrunk. 

There are no miracle cures or pills or imaginary friends - at the end of the day you will have to live with your decisions.


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## StellaJefferson (Sep 8, 2015)

Hi Doug, 

In my opinion, its being alone that has amplified the guilt for you. But you know what, there are some things that you can't do anything about, so being anxious should not be one of them. On a bright note, you are in a good health, and can look after yourself. You need to give it time to settle in your head as they say, time heals everything! Meanwhile, you can sit back and relax and enjoy what life in U.S. has to offer!

Hope that helps. 

Cheers!


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## cvco (Mar 20, 2015)

Doug,

Im from US and in Malaysia for 16 years. Im single, parents in US. I never felt guilt, never homesick. Am I weird? Or is it how we assign values to emotions?

I have a brother who has been in China for as long as Ive been here. We havent spoken since 2000 and Im sure he also has no guilt or homesickness either. He said something once that I often remember while abroad, that when you go someplace 1) you better really like it 2) you have to dive in with all feet. Have you?

Dont get me wrong, I think you are normal. But when we value HOME too much, it keeps us from committing to anywhere new, and anyone new. You keep an emotional lifeline and hence the guilt. When you are fully committed to the project of living somewhere else, intellectually the lifeline remains but emotionally its cut and then the guilt leaves. You feel guilt because you havent made up your mind where you are or going. Maybe you need a stint back home to help clear that thinking. Maybe, you just might move back--and be happy. No harm in that. But sooner or later you have to do what was just said in the post above, live by your decisions, and not in a begrudging way but really and happily so that you can become fully absorbed. So far, you are not and hence the guilt.

Just my take on your post. Its hard being abroad even on the best of days.


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## AvaMonroe42 (Sep 20, 2015)

I think what you are feeling is completely normal for an expat, there will always be that "what if?" ... the two roads diverging in the yellow wood... But either we choose to live our lives in that guilt, which is essentially the past, or we choose to live in the present, free of that guilt. Even if you were in Australia, your dad would still grow old and die. Sorry if that's blunt, but it's been a topic of thought I myself have spent a good deal of time on. The best you can do is maximize whatever time you do get to spend with him physically, and utilise other means (Skype, etc) for the rest of the time when you are apart.


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