# Internal struggles about moving to Spain



## gomezreger (Oct 25, 2011)

Hi all,
I'm new to this forum. I landed here because I wanted to hear about other expats living in Spain.
A few months ago, my wife (an American) and I (a Spaniard), both living in the US, decided that we would move to Spain in a few years and make it our permanent home from then on. She was really excited about it, seemed to welcome the change and the "adventurous" nature of such move and even began to blog about it in what she called "the pancake merienda". 
That was a few months ago. Now she has begun to have serious doubts about it and I can see her internal struggles with the idea. I believe it's mostly fear of the unknown, of leaving behind a fairly comfortable life in the US for something uncertain.
I would like to hear (read) from other expats about their move and decision making. Mostly about the doubts, fears, etc.,...any such feeling that surfaced in the previous moments/months and the outcome of the move (did it meet expectations? fell short? etc.)
Highly appreciate any comments or input.


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## Guest (Oct 26, 2011)

You know, life here is "same stuff, different country." However, there are a few things that make me remember why I love it here when things get tough: 

1. Weekends "de tapeo" and having a drink.
2. Working to live, _not_ living to work. 
3. Finishing work and then either going for a walk in town/on the beach or hitting the bar. Work is over, it's time to relax! 

I was terrified about coming to Spain back in 2008. Now, you can't get me to go! Sure, I'll go back to the US to live at some point with my husband, but that will be to be closer to my family for a bit. 

Where will you be moving?


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## VFR (Dec 23, 2009)

gomezreger said:


> Hi all,
> I'm new to this forum. I landed here because I wanted to hear about other expats living in Spain.
> A few months ago, my wife (an American) and I (a Spaniard), both living in the US, decided that we would move to Spain in a few years and make it our permanent home from then on. She was really excited about it, seemed to welcome the change and the "adventurous" nature of such move and even began to blog about it in what she called "the pancake merienda".
> That was a few months ago. Now she has begun to have serious doubts about it and I can see her internal struggles with the idea. I believe it's mostly fear of the unknown, of leaving behind a fairly comfortable life in the US for something uncertain.
> ...


Is she has doubts then stay where you are as she will soon become unhappy once the holiday wears off.
The vast bulk of people I know who have returned (before this crisis) was because the wife/women/daughters missed this & that so they called it a day and returned home, and in my case even though my wife was the prime mover it has not been plain sailing.

IMO just keep visiting Spain to test the ground & quietly put your things in order should she one day say Right we are Off.


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## Maimee (Jun 23, 2011)

I think that it is always very natural to have nervous thoughts about any change that we ourselves have instigated. For the couple of months before our move to Spain I was a wreck, wondering whether we were doing the right thing, worrying about anything and everything. The last half hour in our old house was the worst, instead of plodding through the last minute tasks and ticking them off my list methodically as I normally would I was running around like a mad thing having some sort of anxiety attack about things that did not matter at all.

Once we arrived and greeted the neighbours and realised that the new house was still standing (having had nightmares about it having fallen down) and calmed down we were prepared to start our new life. Our new life was different because the move followed retirement, we had bought a house that required work on it so that we would continue to have structure to our day so this helped us to do the transition from working to not working. I had more problems over retiring than my husband did because I had not wanted to leave my job but living in a different country, learning about the culture and getting to know the people in our street and then our town helped me to overcome those feelings.

We have had loads of difficulties along the way for different reasons and our life has changed drastically in the last couple of years due to ill health but we do not regret moving to Spain and at the moment have no plans to return to the UK.


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## kimhunter (Oct 26, 2011)

i like personaly if you can afford to keep your house where u are for a little time then you should try renting somewhere in spain as i said in another post albir, alfaz del pi benidorm,altea areas where i am are great there are very welcoming people mostly in these areas bu like i said rent before you do anything see if you can handle living here for at least 1 year if not go back to what you know ( some times "better the devil you know")
i made the leap 4 years ago and i would say at the moment i would never go back to where i was from


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## Bfpijuan (Apr 6, 2011)

I am an American and have lived here full time since 2008. I had been coming for short periods of time between 2002 until the permanent move after marrying my husband, a Spaniard. I had no fears or doubts before moving. I still don't speak much Spanish and sometimes miss the "comfort zone" of the U.S., but overall, no regrets.


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## gomezreger (Oct 25, 2011)

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## gomezreger (Oct 25, 2011)

Thanks for the response. Don't know yet where. But what was specifically that terrified you? Leaving family and friends behind? Not being able to fit or make a living? Could you give me some details?


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## gomezreger (Oct 25, 2011)

Thanks for the responses. Don't know yet where we are moving in. We have to decide if we want to be closer to my family (Toledo) or live in the mountains (Asturias or Cantabria) or near the beach. 

Some of you mention you had fears, but what was specifically that terrified you? Leaving family and friends behind? Not being able to fit or make a living? Could you give me some details?


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## Guest (Oct 28, 2011)

gomezreger said:


> Thanks for the responses. Don't know yet where we are moving in. We have to decide if we want to be closer to my family (Toledo) or live in the mountains (Asturias or Cantabria) or near the beach.
> 
> Some of you mention you had fears, but what was specifically that terrified you? Leaving family and friends behind? Not being able to fit or make a living? Could you give me some details?


Cantabria is gorgeous!!! :clap2: You don't have to choose between the mountains and the beach here - you've got it all!

My fears were due to the fact I had never visited Europe in my adult life and there I was, picking up and moving here. My Spanish wasn't that great. I had been living alone for 6 years at that point leaving family and friends wasn't new. I came here with a job already so making a living wasn't an issue either. It was just fear of the unknown. 

I'm now on my fourth year here and just married a local so _fijate_ how my fears played out


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## Maimee (Jun 23, 2011)

gomezreger said:


> Thanks for the responses. Don't know yet where we are moving in. We have to decide if we want to be closer to my family (Toledo) or live in the mountains (Asturias or Cantabria) or near the beach.
> 
> Some of you mention you had fears, but what was specifically that terrified you? Leaving family and friends behind? Not being able to fit or make a living? Could you give me some details?


I feared hating the town, area and the people. Worried about being retired, the house falling down, not understanding the system, never being able to learn the language, not being able to communicate with neighbours. Basically loads and loads of irrational and ational thoughts went through my head. When you are nervous about something anything and everything becomes huge and you then tend to not think clearly about even basic ordinary things.


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## gomezreger (Oct 25, 2011)

Bfpijuan said:


> I am an American and have lived here full time since 2008. I had been coming for short periods of time between 2002 until the permanent move after marrying my husband, a Spaniard. I had no fears or doubts before moving. I still don't speak much Spanish and sometimes miss the "comfort zone" of the U.S., but overall, no regrets.


So, what would be your one piece of advice to my wife about moving or staying in the US? And why?
Thanks.


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## gomezreger (Oct 25, 2011)

Yes, I know a bit (not much) about Cantabria and I like it. Don't know if it would be too cold for my wife (likes warm weather, you know, southern California girl) or not. And what would be one piece of advice you would give her about moving or not?
Thanks


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## gomezreger (Oct 25, 2011)

Yes, you're right. When things get hectic, we tend to not think rationally. We have not approached that stage yet, for it's going to be 3 or 4 years before we move. But my fear is that her fears will prevent her from wanting to move. I believe that in the long run she would be happy there. Thanks for your response.


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## jonmlb748 (Oct 30, 2011)

my experience shows usually it's the ladies that miss home ,family etc I have several friends who's wife has declared enough and gone running back home and that's European couples where most of Europe is a two hour flight away.you have to ask is she close to her family,could she put up with seeing them only once or twice every year or so ?


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## Cary (Nov 1, 2011)

Change is a process which evokes a number of reactions from heightened excitement to pure fear. It is the unknown and "what if" factor? Find out if she still truly wants to make the move or is just suffering from nerves. If she is just nervous then once the move happens, she will adapt. If she has changed her mind, then chances are it will not work.


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## gomezreger (Oct 25, 2011)

jonmlb748 said:


> my experience shows usually it's the ladies that miss home ,family etc I have several friends who's wife has declared enough and gone running back home and that's European couples where most of Europe is a two hour flight away.you have to ask is she close to her family,could she put up with seeing them only once or twice every year or so ?


But that's just the thing! Her family is scattered throughout the US southwest. Her parents live in town and we see them about once a week or less. Her sister is an hour away and we see her about 5-6 times a year. One brother leaves in L.A. and we see him no more than twice a year. The other brother leaves in Phoenix and we see him about once every two years. 
So, she's close to her family in spirit, but not in physical presence. I think that coming back once or twice a year for a 2-4 week period would make her see them more than she actually does now.
Thanks for your response.


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## gomezreger (Oct 25, 2011)

Cary said:


> Change is a process which evokes a number of reactions from heightened excitement to pure fear. It is the unknown and "what if" factor? Find out if she still truly wants to make the move or is just suffering from nerves. If she is just nervous then once the move happens, she will adapt. If she has changed her mind, then chances are it will not work.


Yep, I believe she's just having the jitters of the uncertainty....of leaving her comfort zone. But it's nevertheless troublesome to think I could be leading her to her longtime unhappines.
thanks for the response.


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## Phsye (Aug 4, 2010)

My wife and I discussed moving from the UK to Spain on and off for five years. I was always the more reluctant one (she's a local and would be moving home). I had a list of concerns that used to spiral around in my head... In the end I just got tired of going round the loop, eventually I realised that if I didn't take the bull by the horns the chance to make the move was going to slip by, for good. In the end the 'fear' of ending up regretting not having tried the move in my life became greater than the fear of the unknown. You can always move back in a year or so if you don't like it, nothing is final.

It took me 6 to 12months to find my feet, it wasn't easy. During that time we discussed going back several times, but every time it was me choosing to stay.

Spain is growing on me.

Good luck!


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## Pesky Wesky (May 10, 2009)

Phsye said:


> My wife and I discussed moving from the UK to Spain on and off for five years. I was always the more reluctant one (she's a local and would be moving home). I had a list of concerns that used to spiral around in my head... In the end I just got tired of going round the loop, eventually I realised that if I didn't take the bull by the horns the chance to make the move was going to slip by, for good. In the end the 'fear' of ending up regretting not having tried the move in my life became greater than the fear of the unknown. You can always move back in a year or so if you don't like it, nothing is final.
> 
> It took me 6 to 12months to find my feet, it wasn't easy. During that time we discussed going back several times, but every time it was me choosing to stay.
> 
> ...


That's what I think. Others say that if you think that way you won't be fully commited and so it probably won't work. I expect it all depends on the individual and the circumstances, which you can't always predict, but IMO there's nothing better than giving it a go. As long as, that is, that your decision to come here doesn't mean that your lives will be ruined if it doesn't work out ie it'll lead to bankcruptcy or smth thing else equally terrifying.


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## Brangus (May 1, 2010)

Hi, gomezreger,

I glanced at your wife's blog and saw that she likes to be in her own bed and surrounded by familiar things. Of course, she can take a few comforting things with her to Spain. 

In the past 6 years I have moved 4 times and lived in 2 countries, and my big soft American bed always comes with me. My son and I call it "the nest," which is a little silly, but the nest is a "place" that stays the same no matter where we live.

I also brought with me some visual reminders of my personal history, such as a small painting by my father, who died the year before I moved away.

My attitude about moving was also affected by the attitudes of the people around me. For example, whenever I listened to my oldest brother, who is a big worrier ("You can't do that!"), I would feel even more nervous and doubtful. Yet other people were truly happy and excited for me, and that made me feel more confident about moving.

Finally, sometimes I have found it helpful to put myself into a larger historical context. Your wife, being American, is surely descended from immigrants, as am I. Compared to my ancestors, I feel fortunate to be able to get on an airplane and -- though it's expensive -- be somewhere utterly foreign in a matter of hours, as opposed to riding third-class with a load of cattle across the Atlantic in the 19th century, with no idea what the new land would be like, and little hope of returning. We are so lucky now to have telephones, internet, etc., to makes such moves less traumatic.


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## gomezreger (Oct 25, 2011)

Thanks Brangus,
It's true what you say about being way more "linked" through electronic devices with the ones you love regardless of where you are. I think she realizes that. And as you gathered from her blog, it seems like departing from the familiar/comfortable to land in the unfamiliar/uncomfortable (if at least for a while) is what brings her this anguish. How did you deal with those issues?
Thanks for the comment.


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## gomezreger (Oct 25, 2011)

PHsye.
You're truly right about maybe missing the opportunity for good. And that's what I'm afraid of. She may be passing something up that could make her world a whole lot different, diverse, and anticipating. I don't think she has come (yet) to say she won't move, but if it comes to that, it may be devastating in the long run.
How did you deal with the uneasy feelings? How is Spain growing on you? Did you find work?


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## Phsye (Aug 4, 2010)

gomezreger said:


> PHsye.
> You're truly right about maybe missing the opportunity for good. And that's what I'm afraid of. She may be passing something up that could make her world a whole lot different, diverse, and anticipating. I don't think she has come (yet) to say she won't move, but if it comes to that, it may be devastating in the long run.
> How did you deal with the uneasy feelings? How is Spain growing on you? Did you find work?



Wow Gomezreger, you really are keen to go for this move.

The main thing my wife did was to leave the idea with me. The last thing she wanted was for things to go wrong out here and then for me to blame her. Sometimes it is good to let people think about it. The key for me was that I just wanted to get on with my life. I wanted to put this 'should I / shouldn't I?' question to bed, for good. That said I had few things on my side, I already spoke basic Spanish, we have family in Spain, I had a couple of ideas for work and I wanted to try making a living on my own. So there was also some excitement for me in making the move.

Being here now, I like the fact that good day care / nursery is cheap in Spain compared to the UK. Rent is also cheaper. I like the fact I can eat out with my son in a pushchair and not be asked to leave a bar or restaurant by 7pm, this happened on more than one occasion in the UK. I like the fact that I am on first name terms with all the people in the local shops and banks etc. I go outside and meet with other parents most days. There are things I miss about the UK though. I'm pretty flexible!

Finally work. Contrary to what most people will tell you, there is actually plenty of work here in Spain! The problem is that nobody is going to pay you to do it. It's very tough. 

I'm using a few contacts from my old job, going to Madrid, bits and pieces. You need to be resourceful.


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