# Moving with 13 year old who doesn't speak Spanish



## Wasabi74 (Sep 23, 2015)

I need some perspective please to help me make a decision. Divorced for over two years, I have three children; two toddlers and a 12 year old. I'm Spanish and have been living in London for the last sixteen years. I have no family in the UK and an inexistent support network, I'm completely on my own and I do struggle a lot, especially when things go wrong (ie trips to A&E on my own with all three kids on tow etc). I have made the decision therefore to move back home to Madrid where my parents, siblings and close friends are. 

The only thing stopping me is my eldest. She kind of understands Spanish but doesn't speak it, and is painfully shy. I know that she would struggle at a state school but there's no way I can possibly afford the fees for an International school on just one salary. She gets excellent marks at her school in the UK now and wouldn't want her failing and having to repeat a year either. 

I really don't know what to do. I'm hoping for advice from posters who have moved with children of a similar age, and based on your experiences what you think I should do. Thank you


----------



## emmamayb (Aug 19, 2015)

When i moved to Spain i was 9 and my brother 11 (i understand your daughter is 12 but this is the only relevant experience i can provide)

We attended an international school following the British curriculum, so our education remained on track and we weren't at a loss in that respect, we took daily Spanish lessons as part of the obligatory curriculum and have both ended up fluent. I know many people who attended a public Spanish school straight away and picked up the language extremely quickly due to having no other choice, your daughter would be at an advantage here already having an understanding of the language. 

I would also try not to forget that there is a possibility of there being other children in her class who are also not Spanish if that would make her feel more comfortable. I understand that a private school is out of your budget so i would recommend a Spanish public school however the curriculum is very different to that in the UK. 

I hope this helps!


----------



## Wasabi74 (Sep 23, 2015)

Thank you Emma. I guess I still have a full year to get her to practice some Spanish at home. She really does not want to leave the UK but things have become really unmanageable for me so not sure what else I can do.... thank you again


----------



## tonymar (Jan 29, 2015)

Hola and welcome 

Seems like a dig decision for you ! my son was 8 when we moved out 12 years ago ,he went through the normal Spanish school , but he did struggle at first as he had no Spanish at all.

I guess it will help that your daughter has some understanding of Spanish , do you ever speak in Spanish to her at home ?

Also what dose she think about moving to Spain , I guess if she feels positive about it that will help a lot !

I lived in London before , and personally feel generally Spain is a much better place for kids to grow up !

Good luck hope you make the right decision 

Cheers Tony


----------



## Wasabi74 (Sep 23, 2015)

Hola Tony, 

She's not feeling positive at all about moving to Spain, she goes into meltdown mode ('you're destroying my life!!!") every time I mention it. It won't be easy, but it's the four of us and although harder initially, it's the best move for all of us.


----------



## tonymar (Jan 29, 2015)

Wasabi74 said:


> Hola Tony,
> 
> She's not feeling positive at all about moving to Spain, she goes into meltdown mode ('you're destroying my life!!!") every time I mention it. It won't be easy, but it's the four of us and although harder initially, it's the best move for all of us.


I understand , its quite a difficult age to make a big change I guess in Madrid there probably wont be many English Speaking kids she can hang out with in school.

We are only a little inland of Alicante and were very surprised that our kids were the only English speakers there , but now I think it was for the best all their friends are Spanish and they are truly integrated .

Hopefully as your daughter grows she will accept your decision and realise you are doing it for her own good , and you will have the support of your Spanish family to help !

Wish you and your family well 

Tony


----------



## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

International schools have a lot of Spanish children too, so although the lessons are taught in English, theres a lot of Spanish spoken, so she'll pick it up and you're there to help!!

Of course, her age is a bit difficult. I took my 11 year old over to Spain - she hated it. She missed her friends, she didnt like the heat, the dust, the insects, the Spanish........ and actually, she never got used to it, inspite of the bribery and corruption I offered. I often wonder in retrospect whether it was a good idea to provide her with a lap top etc to enable her to still stay in contact with her friends - it kinda made it worse. They came out and visited, but the same - it made it worse. She cried, went into meltdown quite a lot. In the end, (not just because of her) we came back to the UK and she is happy again!!!

But they are all different and in the end, they are part of the family and have to do what the family does - to a point and your daughter does have Spanish roots!!!!

Jo xxx


----------



## thrax (Nov 13, 2008)

jojo said:


> International schools have a lot of Spanish children too, so although the lessons are taught in English, theres a lot of Spanish spoken, so she'll pick it up and you're there to help!!
> 
> Jo xxx


I think the point she is making is that she can't afford International School. Some are charging more than €4000 a term...

It is certainly a very difficult situation and I do feel very sorry for you. I think you have to make the move for your own self preservation but do so with the idea in the back of your mind that you might have to move back for your daughter. Timing of the move is also very important. I would think the best time would be just before the long summer holiday starts here so she has 11 weeks to try and settle in a bit. Of course, that is just under a year away so she will be older still which won't help. I wish you the very best of good fortune...


----------



## Claire la richarde (Jul 6, 2009)

Wasabi, you may well have already thought of this, but... I'm sure you know that you will need the agreement of anyone else who has parental responsibility to move the children to Spain. If your children's father has parental responsibility, your daughter's reluctance to move and possible problems with her education may complicate matters in that regard.


----------



## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

thrax said:


> I think the point she is making is that she can't afford International School. Some are charging more than €4000 a term...


True!! Actually my daughter went to an international school for 5 minutes when we first moved to Spain, but hated it, so we moved her to a state school! - she hated that too - so we moved her to another state school............yes, she didnt like that either...... We did give her time to settle tho (dragging her through the school gates most mornings), but she wasnt going to. Theres nothing more stubborn than a young teenage girl - All hormones and attitude!!!!!!!! 

That all said, she did become pretty much fluent in Spanish!! 

Jo xxx


----------



## Wasabi74 (Sep 23, 2015)

Thank you both, your responses are helping and a lot to think about. I do have indeed a nasty battle at the court with their father ahead of me; he doesn't see them that often and doesn't really care about them but he has made it very clear that I am not to leave the country with them. I have sought legal advice and the consensus is that given that I have zero support in the UK and my ex husband hasn't been the best father with keeping up contact etc, I have a high probability of winning the case. Elder has already asked him if she can stay with him in the UK and he has said no, so there's no danger at least of her refusing to go. 

As long as I can reason that she will be able to pick up the language, and have schools accommodation and job sorted a judge should be in theory sympathetic to my situation. A hard road ahead though.... just getting all my duck in a row at the moment ;-)


----------



## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

Wasabi74 said:


> Thank you both, your responses are helping and a lot to think about. I do have indeed a nasty battle at the court with their father ahead of me; he doesn't see them that often and doesn't really care about them but he has made it very clear that I am not to leave the country with them. I have sought legal advice and the consensus is that given that I have zero support in the UK and my ex husband hasn't been the best father with keeping up contact etc, I have a high probability of winning the case. Elder has already asked him if she can stay with him in the UK and he has said no, so there's no danger at least of her refusing to go.
> 
> As long as I can reason that she will be able to pick up the language, and have schools accommodation and job sorted a judge should be in theory sympathetic to my situation. A hard road ahead though.... just getting all my duck in a row at the moment ;-)


Good luck, determination and the children will see you through. Feel free to ask anymore questions!

Jo xxx


----------



## Desiato (Jun 1, 2015)

We brought our boys over when they were nearly 5 and 2. My wife's Spanish and she had always intended to move back to Spain one day to look after her elderly mum but was not intending to do it for another 5 to 10 years. I made the decision to do it ASAP (within the year) before the eldest started school (he was actually a year late, I didn't know they started at 4 here) because I knew it would be traumatic the longer we left it. Your 12 year old will be very difficult and it might take years before she stops hating you (sorry, too strong?) for dragging her away from her friends but you have to think about your other two and of course yourself. I don't think you have a choice, you HAVE to do it and you have to treat it like ripping the bandage off. It's going to hurt, it's going to hurt like hell, but eventually, the wounds will heal and you will all have a much better life in Spain, especially with your family close at hand.


----------



## stefig (Jul 14, 2015)

Surely having a Spanish mother is the best possible way to learn the language? Is she very resistant to learning Spanish? I totally understand how traumatic such a big move can be at an early age, but she has an advantage over most other British kids in that she has a native Spanish speaker at home to help with homework, correct her language mistakes, etc.


----------



## Chopera (Apr 22, 2013)

Wasabi74 said:


> Thank you both, your responses are helping and a lot to think about. I do have indeed a nasty battle at the court with their father ahead of me; he doesn't see them that often and doesn't really care about them but he has made it very clear that I am not to leave the country with them. I have sought legal advice and the consensus is that given that I have zero support in the UK and my ex husband hasn't been the best father with keeping up contact etc, I have a high probability of winning the case. Elder has already asked him if she can stay with him in the UK and he has said no, so there's no danger at least of her refusing to go.
> 
> As long as I can reason that she will be able to pick up the language, and have schools accommodation and job sorted a judge should be in theory sympathetic to my situation. A hard road ahead though.... just getting all my duck in a row at the moment ;-)


I know it's not what you're asking but, if you can't afford a British school in Madrid, then maybe the best option is to try to stay in the UK until your daughter has finished GCSEs. Maybe you can get a Spanish au pair to stay with you, who can both help with the kids and teach Spanish?


----------



## Chopera (Apr 22, 2013)

stefig said:


> Surely having a Spanish mother is the best possible way to learn the language? Is she very resistant to learning Spanish? I totally understand how traumatic such a big move can be at an early age, but she has an advantage over most other British kids in that she has a native Spanish speaker at home to help with homework, correct her language mistakes, etc.


Once kids realise that someone speaks their language they lose the motivation - there's no reason to attempt speaking in a different language. That's part of the reason for the one parent-one-language technique: the kids are forced to speak the language of each parent in order to communicate with them.


----------



## Helenameva (Aug 15, 2014)

I think your biggest hurdle isn't how easily she will learn the language, more how can you get her to come here willingly and happily. The more your ex husband isn't a good dad, the more your daughter will want to see him. The more you pressure her to move, the more she will resist. 

Does she have a good relationship with your family? Can they help you to build the bridge between here and there so that she comes readily? If she comes here thinking she's leaving lots behind and it'll be lonely here, she'll feel like you do at the moment. But a good bond with people here before she comes might make the transition easier.

Just an idea. I don't know if she has that bond with your family already. Good luck.


----------



## Pesky Wesky (May 10, 2009)

stefig said:


> Surely having a Spanish mother is the best possible way to learn the language? Is she very resistant to learning Spanish? I totally understand how traumatic such a big move can be at an early age, but she has an advantage over most other British kids in that she has a native Spanish speaker at home to help with homework, correct her language mistakes, etc.


Once you've started a relationship in one language it's very difficult to change it, at least it is for me.


----------



## Desiato (Jun 1, 2015)

How about creating two list, the good and the bad about moving to Spain. The good could include:

The weather (great for the tan)
The dark eyed Spanish boys
Very late nights out
No chavs (real chavs, not just drunken Brits)
All the shops open until 8pm (or 10pm in the shopping centres)
Your family for support (hospital runs, baby sitting, is the 12 year old happy to baby sit every other week when mum is dating? etc)
Speaking two languages will help with employment (can't hurt)
Much healthier food
Did I mention the weather?

I'm sure you can come up with a much longer list but it can't hurt to point out some of the positives if your daughter can't see past the "you're destroying my life" aspect of it. Thinking back I moved towns and schools when I was 10 and again at 12 and whilst it was a pain to be the new kid....again, I got over it. Yes the language will be a hurdle but for me the long term benefits of a life in Spain (especially with your family here) far outweigh the short term pain. If you can make it past the first year I think it will be easier after that and in time, she may even thank you! (though you might have to wait until the teens have past for that conversation and you are baby sitting her toddlers).


----------



## stefig (Jul 14, 2015)

Pesky Wesky said:


> Once you've started a relationship in one language it's very difficult to change it, at least it is for me.


It's probably too late to start talking exclusively in Spanish, but even having a parent fluent in the language is invaluable to a kid who might end up in the Spanish state school system and/or having private Spanish lessons. I have loads of Spanish-born British friends whose parents couldn't get involved with anything to do with school or schoolwork because they didn't understand the language. 

In terms of language learning, 13 is still incredibly young. I started learning Spanish from scratch at 15 with no teacher, no Spanish-speaking friends or family and nothing like the resources that exist today, became conversational very quickly, then fluent and I'm now C2 Level. I think 13 is still young enough to become fluent quickly. I'd say the bigger problem is the situation of her not wanting to go to Spain at all. I don't think the language thing is a huge problem in itself.


----------



## Pesky Wesky (May 10, 2009)

stefig said:


> It's probably too late to start talking exclusively in Spanish, but even having a parent fluent in the language is invaluable to a kid who might end up in the Spanish state school system and/or having private Spanish lessons. I have loads of Spanish-born British friends whose parents couldn't get involved with anything to do with school or schoolwork because they didn't understand the language.
> 
> In terms of language learning, 13 is still incredibly young. I started learning Spanish from scratch at 15 with no teacher, no Spanish-speaking friends or family and nothing like the resources that exist today, became conversational very quickly, then fluent and I'm now C2 Level. I think 13 is still young enough to become fluent quickly. I'd say the bigger problem is the situation of her not wanting to go to Spain at all. I don't think the language thing is a huge problem in itself.


I kind of agree with you inasmuch as 13 is young to learn the language. I don't think it's necessarily that young people can't learn the language, after all plenty of young Africans for example go to university in the US or UK and end up learning the language, but it's dependant on so many other things like making friends, support at home, reason for learning the language (ie because mum and Dad decided I should or because I see this as an opportunity to get out of poverty)...
I think it's a lot to ask a 13 year old brought up in the UK to change countries, language and to study and make progress in that language which initially doesn't exist.
PS Well done to you. It must be immensely satisfying to be completely bilingual


----------



## stefig (Jul 14, 2015)

I don't consider myself bilingual even after all this time - I suppose because I hardly ever use my Spanish these days. Hoping that will change when I get back to Spain next week!


----------



## Wasabi74 (Sep 23, 2015)

Hello all,

Wow so many responses, thank you all so much for taking the time to share your comments. 

Ok... yes, she will definitely hate me, likely for years. But, as one of you mentioned, it's four of us in our little family and although she is important of course there are much worse things that could happen were we to stay in the UK. For example (and I know this is fatalist but hey, **** happens)... what I fall gravely ill with say cancer? I would be completely alone at home/having treatment, girls left alone at home with no one to look after them. My 2 year old had pneumonia a few months ago and ended up in hospital; I had to cry and beg for hours to find someone to look after the other two during the nights and it was hell on top of the worry; my ex husband was comfortably sitting at home 15 mins and didn't help because 'it wasn't his weekend'. I need help, I'm at breaking point and although yes it will be really, really hard for her, I have to now admit defeat and realise this is not working any longer. 

No space at home for an aupair sadly and if I wait until she's done with her GCSE's it will be a lot harder to get her out of the country (apart from the fact that I don't think I can survive that long; very close to have a breakdown to be honest). She is close to my parents and my brothers, and a few of my close friends have children her age. She's a very likeable girl and will make friend. She is indeed 'lazy' with her Spanish and could try but won't. She has friends in the UK of course but her spare time is spent walking around the shops with them and not doing much else with her friends. In Madrid at least she would be surrounded by family and would have a far more active lifestyle. 

An impossible situation and something has to change...


----------



## Chopera (Apr 22, 2013)

Sorry to hear about the situation. My son had pneumonia when he was two and it's very stressful.

Given that moving to Madrid does seem to be the best option, I've posted on your other thread a few suggestions for Spanish state schools with an English bilingual section "sección bilingüe inglés". Given that most of the subjects are taught in English, from an academic point of view your daughter should only have to deal with the few subjects that are taught in Spanish. If you target entrance for next September maybe, you have a year to get your daughter speaking Spanish. Maybe a summer spent at a Spanish summer school might help?


----------



## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

Wasabi74 said:


> Hello all,
> 
> Wow so many responses, thank you all so much for taking the time to share your comments.
> 
> ...


If its any consolation, my daughter was/is a feisty teen. at 12 mine hated me too for moving her to Spain and ruining her life. However, although mine is still a feisty teenager, she is 18 now and although we are back in the UK, she is starting to develop into a "feisty" adult. She's no ones fool, she is strong, self assured and I predict she'll go far! So dont knock these young ladies, I think they come out tops in the end :fingerscrossed: Its just not easy to be their mother lol

Jo xxx


----------



## Pesky Wesky (May 10, 2009)

Wasabi74 said:


> Hello all,
> 
> Wow so many responses, thank you all so much for taking the time to share your comments.
> 
> ...


The bit I've put in red is maybe the most important information that you've given about your daughter 
If she's coming to well loved family that has to be a bonus, and will surely help pave the way.
She probably hasn't made much progress with her Spanish as she hasn't seen a need and/ or hasnt been in a situation where she has *had* to use it. If you could get her to Spain in the half terms, which as I expect you know don't exist here, and Easter and the summer I think she'd not only have a great time hanging out with her cousins and their friends (don't forget that friendship groups are usually quite mixed with boys and girls I mean), but she'd also be able to improve her Spanish...

Oh and PS
Sounds like you will be better off here with the support and love of your family and that of course will make her life "better", BUT... what about work...


----------



## Desiato (Jun 1, 2015)

Wasabi74 said:


> Hello all,
> 
> ...if I wait until she's done with her GCSE's it will be a lot harder to get her out of the country.


I was thinking about that when I came to the conclusion that you should make the move as soon as possible. The reason being that if you wait 4 years for her to finish her schooling, your toddlers will have started school and will be 'Englishified' (I'm sure that's a word)and it will then be harder for them when they start at a Spanish school. My 5 year old struggled for a year to get used to the language and that had a knock on effect with his schooling but the 2 year old slotted straight into nursery and is a native Spaniard. Like a lot of things, there may never be a perfect time but when it comes to kids and learning a foreign language and acclimatising to a new way of life, sooner rather than later is always better.


----------



## Chopera (Apr 22, 2013)

Pesky Wesky said:


> The bit I've put in red is maybe the most important information that you've given about your daughter
> If she's coming to well loved family that has to be a bonus, and will surely help pave the way.
> She probably hasn't made much progress with her Spanish as she hasn't seen a need and/ or hasnt been in a situation where she has *had* to use it. If you could get her to Spain in the half terms, which as I expect you know don't exist here, and Easter and the summer I think she'd not only have a great time hanging out with her cousins and their friends (don't forget that friendship groups are usually quite mixed with boys and girls I mean), but she'd also be able to improve her Spanish...


Yes a French speaking friend of mine could not get his 9 year old daughter to speak French because she knew he spoke Spanish. However a 2 week holiday in the Ivory Coast where she had to speak French with his family soon changed that.


----------



## Wasabi74 (Sep 23, 2015)

Thank you all again for your comments.

Chopera - thank you, will have a look now at the schools. Only a few subjects to manage in Spanish sounds like the perfect compromise.

Jojo - your daughter sounds fantastic 

Work… yes that will also be a stumbling block with the current economy in Spain but not impossible. I have a good CV and plenty of contacts, I speak the language as well ;-). I will not be moving without a job so there might be a situation where I start looking in say April and if something comes up I'll move before the school holidays end (I'm assuming here my ex husband would want to have eldest for a month or two with him which he will likely refuse but will cross that bridge when I get to it). There's also the matter of how long the expected court battle will take; I have an appt next week with my solicitor and will know more then. Work first then school, last housing (I'm assuming it will be easy to rent somewhere and I'm from Madrid after all so I know all the areas, where I want to live etc). 

Oh and yes, we always go back home at half term; a great opportunity for her to start trying to use some of the little Spanish she knows….


----------

