# Getting married experiences



## MrChris (Jul 12, 2012)

Hi,

I just registered to marry with my now Chinese wife in her home town. We had a few surprises and I thought it might be usefull to let others know of them.

None of the issues were big issues, some irritating and the traveling cost was more than I expected (lots of going to different places) but it was definately worth it. 

First thing I had to get a CNI (certificate of no impediment) from my consulate. When we arrived at the consulate in Beijing (where I currently live) we were told that the certificate will only be issued from her home town consulate office (although I have to say thank you to the consulate personel in Beijing as they did the initial part there and then when they could have sent me to Guangzhou). As my wife's home town is Lushan, JuiJiang, Jangxi province her 'local' consulate office is Guangzhou. 

The second issue we had was A LOT of conflicting information on what documentation is required for both parties at the 'registry office'. We took, both passports, her ID card, the CNI, her Hokau and that of her parents.

The next issue was where we could register. As I am an Expat the local police station in her village did not have the information on what was required so they sent us to the head office in her local town. They also did not know whatg was required so they sent us to the capitol city of her area/district, this required a 2 hour taxi each way. I suggest if you want to marry someone then plan on going directly to the capitol city of that area. The staff at the registration office were really nice and very helpful.

The last issue we had was how to register the wedding in the UK (where I am from). Once you register you will get 2 'passports' stating your details and that of your spouse. You need to get these translated and notorised (official stamp from the area where you register, this can take anywhere from 4 hours to 4 days!!!), once you have this then you need to go to the local branch of the consulate and register there, in my case Guangzhou.

Most of the 'issues' we had getting married were small administration one's, as you would expect, and we generally found everyone involved extremely friendly and very very helpful. My thanks again to the consulate staff in both Beijing and Guangzhou and to the registration staff at the office in Nanchang.


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## mhaggag (Aug 3, 2012)

Thanks for the info. It might be very useful for me some day! I have aquestion - that yo may have been asked many times before already - how do you find a Chinese wife? What would be distinctly different between her (as a wife) and a Western woman?


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## MrChris (Jul 12, 2012)

mhaggag said:


> Thanks for the info. It might be very useful for me some day! I have aquestion - that yo may have been asked many times before already - how do you find a Chinese wife? What would be distinctly different between her (as a wife) and a Western woman?


Hi mhaggag,

Actually that is the first time I have been asked that  Good question though.
My first response is, we have only been married a very short time (few weeks) and we are still adjusting to being married and the immenent arrival of our first child. I suspect that to be able to answer your question fully will take some time. 
That being said we have lived together for quite some time. My wife 'Rose' is very western in her thinking and approach to things (we are both late twenties and she lived in Europe for a year as an exchange student). The differences are difficult to describe, for example it is traditional for a young couple to get the grandparents to look after any children so the couple can work, Rose and I are both not interested in this as we want to be there to see our child growing, first steps, first words that kind of thing. 
There are the obvious differences such as types of food she likes to cook and eat compaired to western people, watching television and music (im not really into Chinese music)
In general any differences are cultural and as an expat im sure you are aware of these yourself, belief's, holidays (such as Christmas vs Chinese New Year), that kind of thing.
Any differences you see between a Chinese and Western partner are going to be specific to the relationship you have with that partner and these will be unique to each couple. 
For me personally I found that Chinese women seem to be generally more demure and ladylike compaired to some of the western women I know who are far more carrear orientated and therefore seem more aggressive. However that is not to say western women are not demure and ladylike, thay are. Each person is different.
Other people who read this thread and have lived in China with a Chinese wife will for sure be able to answer you question better as they have more time and experience with seeing the differences.

Sorry I could not be more help...

Chris


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## mhaggag (Aug 3, 2012)

*About the Chinese and women*

Thanks for the reply and I wish you happiness.
I have some thoughts and observations and hope I do not say anything offending. If your wife is "very western" in her thinking, it makes her quite unique, she has been exposed to a western society and western way of life and values. That makes her - in my opinion - quite different from other Chinese women who have never left China. I am curious about the subject because I have very little experience dating Chinese women (3 weeks spent in Shanghai with my ex Chinese g/f). I found her to be a little controling and possessive. General impression is that the Chinese can be a little mis-trusting and cunning. I am forming opinions based on very little knowledge and experience of course... but a Chinese woman - maybe - acts this way out of deep love and dedication to her husband. The mis-trust part comes from the fact many Chinese men will cheat on their wives, but not vice-versa. I am probably stepping on some toes here!! 
But so here... there I said it... hope this stirrs-up some controversy!!


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## MrChris (Jul 12, 2012)

Hi Mhaggag,

Your comment probably will.  I think western men have a very bad reputation with Chinese. There told that effectively we will sleep with anyone who will let us. Unfortunately this carries over to possessive and sometimes controlling behaviour. The problem is there is nothing we can do about this and even trying to explain to some Chinese women that we are (mostly) not all like that falls on deaf ears. That being said it tends to be the 30 - 40 age group that are the 'worst' for this kind of thinking. Rose' parents are the generation older than this and they dont seem to have this preconception. Also the early to mid 20's are a lot more sceptical about this as well.
Like you said Chinese men are the same as Westerners in terms of cheating on their partners, the women are different they will not cheat. 
I believe that this mentality stems from the Chinese belief that getting divorced is not done (it is getting more popular but still for such an enormous country with so many people, the divorce rate is phenominally low), leading the men to thinking they can do what they like and not be divorced. There is also the fact that a lot of weddings are 'arranged' by the family even now. In Europe when a woman is divorced people think nothing of it, here there is a very big stigma and women who are divorced are generally not held with as much respect.
My advice (unwanted though it might be) is to simply treat them with respect and do not try to 'act' differently, just be yourself, same as you would in your home country. The only way to get over the 'misstrust' is with time and patience, and that trust issue is more to do with the families than the women.
The other big issue you will face dating a Chinese lady, is that the families are judge and jury. If they do not like you they will encourage the girl to stop seeing you and see someone of their choosing. I have seen a friend with a Chinese girlfriend in this situation. The girls parents sent 3 different men to the girls house to meet her with a view to marrage. She was not interested and sent them packing but this really annoyed her family and now because of this they split up. I guess he felt guilty he was causing a problem in her family and she - maybe- started to resent the distance her relationship made with her family. Family ties here in China are of paramount immportance.
I just want to mention, what I wrote above is MY oppinion based on my time and experiences in China. Everyone is different and I do not mean to offend anyone with the writing of this. I am just stating an observed viewpoint.

Chris


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## mhaggag (Aug 3, 2012)

*Chinese women*

Thanks Chris for the reply. 
Like you said... Everyone is different! So it is very tricky to make generalizations,,,, especially when talking about a population of 1.3 Billion people (and the women of that population... haha)

But so, let me ask you another question: Are Chinese women more interested in marrying a foreigner, than a Chinese man? If yes, why?


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## Reddykandy (Jun 27, 2012)

Wow men !! Sorry for peepin but I must tell you, this thread is real intense.


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## MrChris (Jul 12, 2012)

Hi Mhaggag,

I have no idea if Chinese are more interested in marrying expats (men and women). I would suppose this is dependent on the person again. I have seen the population becoming more and more 'open' to intercultural marrages, but like I said this is much more prevelent with the younger generation. Im not sure the reason behind this, however, I would suspect that it is to do with the Chinese global expansion in the fields of international economics and industry allowing more and more contact with other cultures. 
I just hope that with the association of other cultures and ideals from other countries and peoples ways of thinking, the Chinese do not loose their own cultural belief's and ideals. 
Reddycandy, you are a 'senior expat' (not really sure what that is, but I assume that it means you have been here for a wile), maybe you can share your ideas on this?

Chris


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## muppetmoo (Jul 24, 2012)

I had a much easier experience in getting married to my Chinese husband. I contacted the embassy in Bejing regarding the certificate required and after several really informative emails from the consulate there, we made an appointment and travelled to Beijing to get the certificate. The experience I had with the embassy was superb and I am extremely grateful for their assistance. We went to our local registry office but we're told we had to go the the main registry office for this city. Fortunately for us this is in the same town of the city in which we live (it was also fortunate for us that the city in which we live is also my husbands birthplace). Once we went to the right place the whole process was over in a matter of minutes. I have yet to register our marriage in the UK yet though. I have the translation ready, but haven't fully looked into the process of doing this.

Regarding Chinese women I have been told that single Chinese women sleep around a lot and those who date foreigners tend to do so just for an "experience". This is just what I've been told by some of the people I know here, not my opinion. I haven't really been able to get to know any Chinese women due to my poor Chinese.


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## muppetmoo (Jul 24, 2012)

MrChris said:


> Hi mhaggag,
> 
> Actually that is the first time I have been asked that  Good question though.
> My first response is, we have only been married a very short time (few weeks) and we are still adjusting to being married and the immenent arrival of our first child. I suspect that to be able to answer your question fully will take some time.
> ...


Hi 

How do you both deal with the cultural differences? I find it incredibly frustrating sometimes, especially when I just cant seem to get my husband to understand either what I'm describing or to see something from my "British" perspective. I would like to say vice versa but he just won't even try to explain to me if I don't understand, whereas I try to help him understand me.


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## MrChris (Jul 12, 2012)

> Hi
> 
> How do you both deal with the cultural differences? I find it incredibly frustrating sometimes, especially when I just cant seem to get my husband to understand either what I'm describing or to see something from my "British" perspective. I would like to say vice versa but he just won't even try to explain to me if I don't understand, whereas I try to help him understand me.


Hi Muppetmoo,

It seems your husband and my wife are different in the way that she is very keen to try to understand the western way of thinking, she is ALWAYS (sometimes to the point of distraction) asking me what I think of things and then telling me how that thought process differs from the traditional Chinese way. 
The other difference is her English is amazing (level 6 or 7 chinese standards) and she is coaching me to learn Chinese (mostly so I can speak to her family ). There have been one or two issues over the 19 months we have been together, but every time there has been a clash we have settled on a compromise (or done both such as in the case of our marrage, we both wanted to 'marry' in our home town and so we decided to have a wedding in both countries. What with the double wedding we decided to cut the cost down to a reasonable level in both, i.e. we did not invite her entire vilage to eat lunch at our wedding, we just invited friends and family here in China).
You will undoubtidly find it easier to express your self once your Chinese and your husband's English is better. The most important thing in any relationship (or so I have seen) is communication. 

Hope this helps

Chris


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## muppetmoo (Jul 24, 2012)

MrChris said:


> Hi Muppetmoo,
> 
> It seems your husband and my wife are different in the way that she is very keen to try to understand the western way of thinking, she is ALWAYS (sometimes to the point of distraction) asking me what I think of things and then telling me how that thought process differs from the traditional Chinese way.
> The other difference is her English is amazing (level 6 or 7 chinese standards) and she is coaching me to learn Chinese (mostly so I can speak to her family ). There have been one or two issues over the 19 months we have been together, but every time there has been a clash we have settled on a compromise (or done both such as in the case of our marrage, we both wanted to 'marry' in our home town and so we decided to have a wedding in both countries. What with the double wedding we decided to cut the cost down to a reasonable level in both, i.e. we did not invite her entire vilage to eat lunch at our wedding, we just invited friends and family here in China).
> ...


Hi Chris,

Thanks for your reply. My husbands English is very good, he studied in England for 7 years. He won't teach me Chinese though which is a nuisance. So it's not so much the language that causes issues. It's when I'm trying to describe an item that I want to purchase and he doesn't know what I'm on about and says "have you seen it in China?" the answer being no hence why I'm asking!!! It is only small unimportant things that cause frustration, I just thought if I could minimise this then our relationship would benefit from it. 

We are also having the wedding in both countries. We've had the Chinese wedding but didn't do it in the traditional Chinese way as my husband didn't want this. We are going to have the English wedding when we move back to UK. I can't wait!!!


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## mhaggag (Aug 3, 2012)

muppetmoo said:


> It is only small unimportant things that cause frustration



Un-solicited advice from someone who's been married (and divorced) twice (yours truly): don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff (don't let it build-up)!!


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## muppetmoo (Jul 24, 2012)

mhaggag said:


> Un-solicited advice from someone who's been married (and divorced) twice (yours truly): don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff (don't let it build-up)!!


I think the small things are only bothering me so much at the moment because I'm bored everyday as I have nothing to do so end up over thinking things that shouldn't get a second thought!

Thanks for your advice both of you


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