# Advice on Cultural/Family Situation



## EmilieTS (Dec 28, 2011)

Hi, I really didnt want to put out something so personal but this relates to the cultures here so... here goes. 

Recently my husband and his brother in law were talking and now it seems that they are planning to send my husbands mother to Dubai around my due date. For a MONTH. Here is my response: ^&*[email protected] NO. 

Husband says that its a "tradition" that the mother always goes to the daughter. First, she's not my mother. I know many people feel that their mother in law is their second mother, this is not the situation here. She is well into her 70s and she doesnt speak any Engligh. A month, are you freaking kidding me??? She'd have to come from another country and what for, is my question. I am sick of this shi freaking it about suddenly I gotta do what everybody else does. She never came to America for my son, and nobody said a damn thing. 

He said it would all be resolved if I had someone come over. That is a real slap in the face, my mother is passed away and I would never ask my aunt to come over here for a month, because first of all, I don't need anyone!!! My uncle was with me for the delivery of my son, but when I came home from the hospital, I was absolutely alone with him and did fine. I even looked after my niece for a few days while my sister in law was having surgery, my son was only a couple weeks old, it was not a problem. He said she would help with my son, not the baby, but still. That boy is two years old and he only speaks English, and he doesnt even know her, he just met her a couple of times. My husband claimed he'd be busy working but it will be Ramadan so um... no, he won't. they have the whole time off. 

So apparently its really offensive for her not to come over here. I personally hate the idea so much that I've cried about it. It hurts me that they would try to plan things that involve me without me, and my husband freaking knows me, how the hell would he think I would be ok with this? It really pisses me off. 

Is there anything I can do or say to not be offensive but still refuse to have her stay for a month?

Otherwise, I'm just going to say that the children and I will stay at a hotel!!


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## Gavtek (Aug 23, 2009)

Just be offensive, that will solve your problems and it'll probably also mean you don't have to go to her funeral when she eventually croaks. Win win!


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## EmilieTS (Dec 28, 2011)

ROFL!!! 

but now that I think about it, I really dont think they would expect me to go!


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## indoMLA (Feb 6, 2011)

1. It sounds like the brother-in-law is tired of your husband's mom and found the perfect excuse to pawn her off on you guys thus giving himself some room to breathe.
2. Be honest with them. Tell your husband and his brother-in-law (his sister's husband, I assume) that you don't think his mother being here will help and be more of a hindrance to you and the kids. Tell him that Ramadan is coming so he will be able to help. Lay out the facts and make sure not to get emotional.... Men will listen to logic and reasoning (unless he is one of those old fashioned, my way or the high way types), but the minute you show emotion, credibility is lost and he will tune out thinking that you are thinking with your heart and not logically. 
3. Maybe you should compromise, telling him that you would like to see how you guys handle it initially and if you can't then you can call in the reinforcement (i.e. his mom). 

Good Luck.


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## mimo_yyy (Jul 4, 2010)

From what you wrote it sounds to me that your husband is Arab and your profile suggests that you are from the US. *I could be wrong*.

If you allow me:
Why wouldn't you host your mother in law for a month?
That is not a big deal if you think about it a little bit.

Your husband will love you more and more. He will appreciate it big time.
In fact you should take care of her as if she is your mother.
I know you said she doesn't speak english but all what it takes is a smile; preparing a plate of fruits and handing it to her.
Imagine, your husband will love you and will never forget what you did.

On the other hand, if you refuse, it will leave a big scar in his heart.

Here is the worst part: when she dies, he will remember all this and will blame you for not spending time with her; and he will never foget it for you.

Think with your brain; not your heart in these situation.
I know in the US we tend to think with the "Individualism Philosophy"; but here in the Middle East, people are very emotional especially with things to do with thier parents.

Think about it and I hope you will do the right thing and feel good about it at the end.

Good Luck.


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## EmilieTS (Dec 28, 2011)

indoMLA said:


> 1. It sounds like the brother-in-law is tired of your husband's mom and found the perfect excuse to pawn her off on you guys thus giving himself some room to breathe.
> 2. Be honest with them. Tell your husband and his brother-in-law (his sister's husband, I assume) that you don't think his mother being here will help and be more of a hindrance to you and the kids. Tell him that Ramadan is coming so he will be able to help. Lay out the facts and make sure not to get emotional.... Men will listen to logic and reasoning (unless he is one of those old fashioned, my way or the high way types), but the minute you show emotion, credibility is lost and he will tune out thinking that you are thinking with your heart and not logically.
> 3. Maybe you should compromise, telling him that you would like to see how you guys handle it initially and if you can't then you can call in the reinforcement (i.e. his mom).
> 
> Good Luck.



Actually, you might be more than a little right! I totally forgot, both his parents were staying with them for a couple weeks actually, they went back home after about 10 days because of a death in the family. 

He is absolutely like you describe, so I will really try my best to be factual. 
And #3 sounds like something I would agree with, for sure. 

I never said they couldnt come for a few days, but right out of the hospital no I am not going to bend on that. How can you bond with your newborn when you have all this extra stress I just dont like the idea sounds to me like a precursor to some postpartum depression.


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## EmilieTS (Dec 28, 2011)

mimo_yyy said:


> From what you wrote it sounds to me that your husband is Arab and your profile suggests that you are from the US. *I could be wrong*.
> 
> If you allow me:
> Why wouldn't you host your mother in law for a month?
> ...


I really appreciate your advice and perspective. 

But he knows who I am. He knew who I was when he married me. I dont care about him loving me more and I dont exist to please everybody else. 

I am not zero, he has to feel comfortable with what he asks from me as well cause he's not mommas boy anymore. 

Plus they did stay with us for a couple of days before, a month is waaaaaaay too long and I know this. I would not be able to handle it, I would lock myself in a room and who needs that when I am supposed to be focusing on taking care of my children. 

He can live and let live or he can send me back where I came from.


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## dizzyizzy (Mar 30, 2008)

EmilieTS said:


> I really appreciate your advice and perspective.
> 
> But he knows who I am. He knew who I was when he married me. I dont care about him loving me more and I dont exist to please everybody else.
> 
> ...


Completely agree  You will have a new born to look after. And your older son. And your husband. Not the best time to be looking after your mother in law too just to 'make your husband happy'


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## Eng.Khaled (Feb 8, 2011)

You said all what I wanted to tell her.
And remember dear, one day you will 70 years old. And it will really hurt you to feel that your husband won't be able to host you for a couple of weeks, or even for the rest of your life, just because of his wife.

I wanted to tell you this in a private message but since it's public now I would say more.

Your husband is a Muslim, and our Holy Qur'aan states "Worship Allah and join not any partners with Him; and be kind to your parents"

And also: ""And We have enjoined on man [to be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and his weaning was over two years. Be thankful to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination."

I'm telling you all of this so would understand it more how we (Arabs and Muslims) think.

I have a peaceful feeling in my heart every time I remember that my Grandma (my dad's mother) died in our home... In my room. I know and believe however you treat people you'll find it in your way at the end.

Life is not about being stubborn and angry. Just imagine your self in her place, and you will be one day, and treat her the way you want your son to treat you.

Bless you.
Khaled


mimo_yyy said:


> From what you wrote it sounds to me that your husband is Arab and your profile suggests that you are from the US. *I could be wrong*.
> 
> If you allow me:
> Why wouldn't you host your mother in law for a month?
> ...


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## Tropicana (Apr 29, 2010)

Lets go over this bit by bit

Firstly, the tradition bit is BS. Its annoying when some people quote tradition to suit their needs but pretend to forget it the next instance when it does not suit them. 

Secondly, if we do go by tradition, then i know in many Middle eastern and Asian families, the 'tradition" is that the wife goes to her parents home for the first and second births...

Now where you can look at it as not that negative a thing is that

1) She is coming for a month, its not a matter of 'let her come and we will see how long she stays".

2) If she does come, you can behave nicely , however as you will have given birth dont take it upon you to "serve" her or offer extensive hospitality as you would if otherwise.

3) Sorry to bring this up, but as you mentioned your mother had passed away unfortunately, its not a case of his mother coming and your parents not able to come because of that. 


And yes if she indeed is in poor health and passes away anytime soon, your husband will be upset at the fact that his mother could not come. 

Dont look at it as doing a favor for her, rather you are doing a favor for your husband.


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## Eng.Khaled (Feb 8, 2011)

Don't be hurry thinking this way 




EmilieTS said:


> I really appreciate your advice and perspective.
> 
> But he knows who I am. He knew who I was when he married me. I dont care about him loving me more and I dont exist to please everybody else.
> 
> ...


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## EmilieTS (Dec 28, 2011)

not like I am trying to argue some religious debate but it seems easy for some people to suddenly become or "act" Muslim, or Christian, or whatever, when its convenient for them or to avoid a conflict. at 42 years old you would think a man has balls to stand up for himself and its not like he's leading a revolt against the government or something. you are what you are and similarly, you simply aren't what you aren't.

so it seems like I can invent some Catholic rigamaro to get out of this I'll just look up something in the Bible.


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## Tropicana (Apr 29, 2010)

EmilieTS said:


> not like I am trying to argue some religious debate but it seems easy for some people to suddenly become or "act" Muslim, or Christian, or whatever, when its convenient for them or to avoid a conflict. at 42 years old you would think a man has balls to stand up for himself and its not like he's leading a revolt against the government or something. you are what you are and similarly, you simply aren't what you aren't.
> 
> so it seems like I can invent some Catholic rigamaro to get out of this I'll just look up something in the Bible.


That is precisely what i mean when said citing Tradition is BS.

Its not right to claim tradition when something is in your favor and then forget 'tradition" the next instant.

So aside from tradition and that stuff, look at it this way, should your husband need to claim tradition to have his mother visit him for just 1 month?

If he would demand that you cater for her when she is here, you can claim that you will not be in the position to take care of her in any way. But if it is just a visit, surely she can come over for 1 month ?
And i dont know your exact situation, but would it be possible for her to come 2-3 weeks after the birth? That way both of you can get in to something of a schedule, however chaotic it may be, and then have her come into it, rather than you having to deal with 2 new arrivals in your home at once.


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## Eng.Khaled (Feb 8, 2011)

I answered the way I think, and you asked about the traditions here, though sometimes religion and traditions are not related in this area.

It's not a revolution. It's family issue that can be solved with talk and talk and more talk 



EmilieTS said:


> not like I am trying to argue some religious debate but it seems easy for some people to suddenly become or "act" Muslim, or Christian, or whatever, when its convenient for them or to avoid a conflict. at 42 years old you would think a man has balls to stand up for himself and its not like he's leading a revolt against the government or something. you are what you are and similarly, you simply aren't what you aren't.
> 
> so it seems like I can invent some Catholic rigamaro to get out of this I'll just look up something in the Bible.


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## mimo_yyy (Jul 4, 2010)

EmilieTS,
This has nothing to do with trandition or religious debate.
This is all about you.

You care about your husband and your family; that is why you posted this thread to seek another opinion. So, this tells me that you care; period.

So, if you care, then you have to handle the situation in a political and smart way.

As someone mentioned, talk, talk, and more talk.

Start by telling your husband that you would love for his mother to come; and that you don't have an issue with that what so ever. yes lie.
Then explain to him that you won't be able to take care of her or be tospitable to her; and that he will have to jump in and help his Mom as you will be busy taking care of the new baby.
If you can afford, maybe you can suggest for him to get a part-time maid to come assist (make it look like you are trying to find solutions; not creating problems).

Trust me; you will be the winner if you do this.

Good luck


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## EmilieTS (Dec 28, 2011)

I actually agree with you guys on this, I am going to try to think of something creative (and lie, but kindly) cause I think otherwise it will just end up opening another can of worms, creating more problems than need be. I am also not that opposed to 2 weeks after, and I think I would handle two weeks stay better than a month, so I hope he's willing to compromise. 

Sometimes I get tired of being so "fake" but I don't think hurting people is much better. Sometimes I feel like he asks me to pretend to like one thing, then it turns into a hundred more things and it makes me feel like enough is enough, when can I draw the line because honestly my children are who's most important to me, period, and I can be true enough to myself to admit that without guilt or shame. 

I'm just not going to bring it up until he does because honestly they only said something one time so I don't even know if it's a plan or just an idea at this point, it's a long time from now. 

It has been a really really tough day for me.... 

where's the therapist when you need one?


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## EmilieTS (Dec 28, 2011)

here's another question for anyone who knows about these traditions- does the mother usually come before the due date or what- I mean if it's not scheduled how would they know when to come, and man that is a lot of stress at the end already! seems like they would have to plan in advance for things like the visa at least.


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## Canuck_Sens (Nov 16, 2010)

Hello Emillie,

It is really not appropriate to post such a personal thing here in the forum. You folks are a multiracial couple. If you are married to someone you gotta respect one's wishes specially if this is his mum.

Ohhhh boy if my wife came with that I would be really hurt. There are two women that I love the most and they are my wife and my mum..If they fight with each other I send both to that place...but if my wife denies my mum to stay with me for a while I would send my wife to hell. (figure of speech). What about grandma see her grandchildren ? 
I would say "ÿou can for sure handle it for a month you are a grown up"...The same applies to you too...if your mum wants to see you before her passing may be she wishes to pass 2 months with you...do you think your husband (assuming he does not like her) would stop you ? you ve got all the right to send him to hell too. Sure thing my wife would


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## Gavtek (Aug 23, 2009)

My colleague had her mother in law come to stay for a whole month. It was hell for her. Especially when the mother in law didn't have a job to go home to and ended up staying for 3 months, criticising every aspect of how she "looks after" her MIL's son and her grandchildren.


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## ArabianNights (Jul 23, 2011)

Emilie - Your a very lucky person. I have spent most of my adult life alone. I am married and I am still alone - not out of choice, but out of consequence. My mother died recently and I regret not spending much time with her. Life doesnt last forever. I wish I had someone, a mother figure, to come and sit next to me and be like my mother, when I am sick or when I am needy. Instead, I am alone. How I long to have anyone I can call family around me.... but even my mother in law is not around me, due to consequence, not choice. You should take this as a blessing, think of it as not her coming to cause a burden, but her coming to be with you and to help you and to comfort you and your children and your home - as a mother does - at a time like this. If I was in your position, I would be counting my blessings. I used to be, until after my mothers death - just like you. Now I yearn not to be alone. Please think. You are very lucky


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## EmilieTS (Dec 28, 2011)

I really never meant for it to come out so personally, but I never heard of this tradition until last week, and this year we'll be married 10 years. I guess because I was so hurt it didnt come out right. 

But I think socially all people are different, some are more "loner" types than others, and I think typically that's associated with males, although it can apply to females to especially if you factor in their upbringing and other considerations that might not apply to all cultures.

plus I never said I would arbitrarily deny I just really can't figure out how that particular time period would be helpful. but good to know that's all I gotta do to get sent to hell.


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## 291111 (Dec 1, 2008)

Hi, alot of people have made some very valid points on tradition, religion and suppositions. Personally my advice to you would be to offer compromise. Sure she could visit and stay for a bit for dome time AFTER the baby is born. As a mother I totally relate to how hectic it can get, you'll be trying to establish a routine for a child whose sleeping patterns have yet to be determined, you'll be juggling motherhood with your elder child making sure he still feels 'the love' and being a wife whilst juggling running a household. It's can be a tiring time for you! I think it's also a little bit unfair of your husband to have placed you in this predicament without having discussed with you first. Maybe wait until a couple of months have passed and a routine established until she comes over, she's a mother, surely she'll understand ... Hope it all works out! 

Cheers
Mel


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## EmilieTS (Dec 28, 2011)

Thank you Mel


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## Canuck_Sens (Nov 16, 2010)

Gavtek said:


> My colleague had her mother in law come to stay for a whole month. It was hell for her. Especially when the mother in law didn't have a job to go home to and ended up staying for 3 months, criticising every aspect of how she "looks after" her MIL's son and her grandchildren.


Man that happens almost everywhere if you see a mother in law not criticizing on something I would be really surprised!!!!!!! Ask your old folks about how they handled in their case...you might start a fight between them or they might just recall and laugh about it !

At my parents, it surely does... all families have some sort of undeclared family wars.


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## Canuck_Sens (Nov 16, 2010)

EmilieTS said:


> I really never meant for it to come out so personally, but I never heard of this tradition until last week, and this year we'll be married 10 years. I guess because I was so hurt it didnt come out right.


There is some healing in order with your hubby 



EmilieTS said:


> But I think socially all people are different, some are more "loner" types than others, and I think typically that's associated with males, although it can apply to females to especially if you factor in their upbringing and other considerations that might not apply to all cultures.


True and that's where the disconnect is. Males tend to be loner but would not fight or say no to their mums specially from different cultural context (upbringing). In your case, you affirm that you are a loner type too right but could not accept the visit and the extra hassle that this would create . Well I guess you are slowly accepting the fact that you might need to and give a chance the experience might not be that bad after all. Be more positive and if things do not work out you can always blame him LOL



EmilieTS said:


> plus I never said I would arbitrarily deny I just really can't figure out how that particular time period would be helpful. but good to know that's all I gotta do to get sent to hell.


The way it came across in your post I felt that you were denying...you will learn how to cope with this . All I can share is that most of my friends who had children had their parents coming over and staying a month or two. Some preferred to deliver alongside their mums and the father was completely ignored in the process lol ..all of them from different cultural contexts by the way


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## Jynxgirl (Nov 27, 2009)

Many males who married foreign wives, and move back to the middle east, start to realize some of the 'traditions' they had stopped doing... And start again. One of the most important traditions is you host and take care of your parents. Before saying yes or no to a mutli religion situation (or would that be wrong to say that as am athiest??), I learned a great deal about islam. And it surprises me that the mother in law isnt LIVING WITH YOU.... You are lucky you are not married to the oldest son  

If you put your foot down, I imagine this is going to be a much larger fight then you anticipate.


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## MaidenScotland (Jun 6, 2009)

Perhaps your husband knows how you feel about his mother but you loosing your own mother may have put the idea into his head that his own mother might not be around for much longer and he really wants to see her and for her to see her grandchildren.. and is using your pregnancy as an excuse to bring her out..


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## Mitchellsmom (Feb 3, 2012)

FISH and Company SMELL after Three days.......

ESPECIALLY when you have a newborn at home. YOU should be the priority. No one else. Tell them that you need your space to figure things out, and once you have it figured out- you would LOVE for grandma to come for a visit- in 6-8 weeks, and give them EXACT dates to book, or better yet, book her trip yourself. That is how I control MY mother-in-law. 

If she insists on coming- SLEEP the entire time (or at least pretend too) Let her do ALL THE WORK. you will just have had a baby for goodness sake!


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## Tropicana (Apr 29, 2010)

MaidenScotland said:


> Perhaps your husband knows how you feel about his mother but you loosing your own mother may have put the idea into his head that his own mother might not be around for much longer and he really wants to see her and for her to see her grandchildren.. and is using your pregnancy as an excuse to bring her out..


A guy should not have to use pregnancy or tradition as an 'excuse" to have his own mother over, should he? If he wants to host her for 1 month it should not be a problem for anyone, the reason it is an issue now is because the visit is scheduled for labor time.


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## pamela0810 (Apr 5, 2010)

Emillie, you are pregnant and hormonal and because of that, you are making a mountain out of a molehill. I'm guessing you are just towards the end of your first trimester which is why everything seems so dramatic at the moment. Over the next 3 months, you will look back at this thread and wonder what on earth were you thinking to post something this personal on a forum this public.

You've been married to this man for 10 years, I'm amazed you do not know his traditions already and even more amazed that you would have such a problem with his mother coming to live with you for a month. Has she not lived with you guys for a month in these 10 years of marriage? If not, then seriously, the issue lies not with him or his mom but with you for not making his family a part of your family.

Remember Karma is a b*tch and you already have one son. You really do not want his future wife to behave this way when he'd like to invite you over, would you?


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## MaidenScotland (Jun 6, 2009)

Tropicana said:


> A guy should not have to use pregnancy or tradition as an 'excuse" to have his own mother over, should he? If he wants to host her for 1 month it should not be a problem for anyone, the reason it is an issue now is because the visit is scheduled for labor time.




No he shouldn't but it is a damn shame if he feels he has to....if you read all of the thread it seems to me a month would be an issue at any time.


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## Gavtek (Aug 23, 2009)

MaidenScotland said:


> No he shouldn't but it is a damn shame if he feels he has to....if you read all of the thread it seems to me a month would be an issue at any time.


Why is that such a bad thing? A month is a long time and people need their own space, especially in their own home. I wouldn't want anyone staying with me for a whole month, I had my closest childhood friend of 25 years stay with me for a week recently, and even then I was starting to lose my patience.


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## MaidenScotland (Jun 6, 2009)

Gavtek said:


> Why is that such a bad thing? A month is a long time and people need their own space, especially in their own home. I wouldn't want anyone staying with me for a whole month, I had my closest childhood friend of 25 years stay with me for a week recently, and even then I was starting to lose my patience.




At the end of the day she is his mother.. she is in her 70s and she doesn't seem him or the grandchildren that much..


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## Jynxgirl (Nov 27, 2009)

Gavtek said:


> Why is that such a bad thing? A month is a long time and people need their own space, especially in their own home.


The western way of going off and having your 'own' family/own home and the middle eastern way of having extended family living together/close proximity/all up in each others business doesnt end up mixing too well. The OP hasnt said where the husband is from but regardless, still saying this is probly not something a woman is going to win with a muslim male who by islam has the given role to be a guardian of the family and he is to honor his mother first, before anyone else............................. Just as in the usa, as people get older, they get more religious. 

Said it before. Say it again. Overall the two worlds do not mix well. 

I too wouldnt be able to stand it... so am not married to an arabic guy


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## Eng.Khaled (Feb 8, 2011)

Jynxgirl said:


> The western way of going off and having your 'own' family/own home and the middle eastern way of having extended family living together/close proximity/all up in each others business doesnt end up mixing too well. The OP hasnt said where the husband is from but regardless, still saying this is probly not something a woman is going to win with a muslim male who by islam has the given role to be a guardian of the family and he is to honor his mother first, before anyone else............................. Just as in the usa, as people get older, they get more religious.
> 
> Said it before. Say it again. Overall the two worlds do not mix well.
> 
> I too wouldnt be able to stand it... so am not married to an arabic guy



what's wrong with arabic guys? :boink:


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## dizzyizzy (Mar 30, 2008)

Eng.Khaled said:


> what's wrong with arabic guys? :boink:


nothing wrong with them  I've met some really lovely Arab guys. But I too would find it extremely difficult to cope with the differences in values and cultures and there is no way I would be able to compromise to the extent needed for an arab/non arab marriage to work out. Such areas where compromise is required (independence, autonomy from extended family, equality within the partnership, freedom to be able to make your own decisions regardless of what tradition/religion say) are way too important for me. For such marriages to work out more often than not the woman must compromise. Easier to just find a partner who shares your own values. Just my 2 cents.


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## EmilieTS (Dec 28, 2011)

You have all made some really valid points. For further clarification, my family my own birth family even though most of us live in the same city, do not live with each other for months at a time. Yeah we've had each other over for a few days, 5-6 days tops, at a time, and we all grew up together. Any Americans you know who have their parents over for a month? no, thats why everybody b!tches us out cause they think we dont care and we send all our elders to those "senior homes". I'm past my first trimester already just barely though lol, so not saying I'm not hormonal lol.


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## ArabianNights (Jul 23, 2011)

In my culture - the whole damn village is one family - in fact we are all related somehow.... and thats a whole village! All the women cook together, all the families eat together, the kids play with each other... they are all brothers and sisters, all one family. They share all their problems together... granted, there are things such as evil eye (my husband is always sick because of the evil eyes), and the women always argue about who makes the best kebabs and how the onions should be chopped. I got a lecture once, because I washed the minced meat (which was all 'stuck' together and 'balled' up) because I separated it, so all of it could be washed properly. I did something wrong, big deal, get on with it.... move on. But there is nothing comparable to the joy and the un-loneliness associated with one Big Family. That is what 'real' love is all about. There is nothing wrong with it - human beings need to be together, its not _normal_ to be alone. Great joy can be had, if attitudes can be changed


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