# Spanish weddings



## The Skipper (Nov 26, 2014)

When we first moved to Spain we were advised never to accept an invitation to a Spanish wedding - it can be expensive! Well, we recently found ourselves in a situation of being unable to refuse without causing offence and have now been given the bank details of the bride and groom so that we can make the customary cash donation. The question is, how much do we give? The reception is in a very posh "Casa de Bodas" with a Michelin starred chef and we understand that it is expected that wedding guests give enough to cover the cost of the meals plus some extra for a present. Any advice greatly appreciated!


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## Pesky Wesky (May 10, 2009)

The Skipper said:


> When we first moved to Spain we were advised never to accept an invitation to a Spanish wedding - it can be expensive! Well, we recently found ourselves in a situation of being unable to refuse without causing offence and have now been given the bank details of the bride and groom so that we can make the customary cash donation. The question is, how much do we give? The reception is in a very posh "Casa de Bodas" with a Michelin starred chef and we understand that it is expected that wedding guests give enough to cover the cost of the meals plus some extra for a present. Any advice greatly appreciated!


Yes, that is what is expected, although I've never had to make a payment into a bank account, only had to choose from a list of presents or stuff cash into an envelope with a group of friends.
I think it's ridiculous and even offensive, but that's the way it goes. Different country, different way of doing things.


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## el romeral (May 8, 2012)

Blimey, what a ridiculous system! Glad I have never been put in that position, I'd be looking for any excuse not to attend.


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## Alcalaina (Aug 6, 2010)

I'd give €100, which is about what I'd spend on a present for friends in the UK. It's a nice round sum and no-one would think you were being mean.


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## xabiaxica (Jun 23, 2009)

Alcalaina said:


> I'd give €100, which is about what I'd spend on a present for friends in the UK. It's a nice round sum and no-one would think you were being mean.


But what if you can't afford 100€	?


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## The Skipper (Nov 26, 2014)

Alcalaina said:


> I'd give €100, which is about what I'd spend on a present for friends in the UK. It's a nice round sum and no-one would think you were being mean.


That´s about the sum we had in mind at first but a young Spanish friend tells us that she recently gave €500 for a friend´s wedding! We don´t want to cause offence by being mean but at the same time we don´t want to bankrupt ourselves!


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## amespana (Nov 10, 2009)

I think a strategic withdrawal is called for.How is a different matter.


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## Alcalaina (Aug 6, 2010)

xabiachica said:


> But what if you can't afford 100€	?


I think it depends how close you are. If they are good friends they will know that, and be happy with what you can afford. You have to make a call on whether you are being invited because they really care about you and want you to be at their wedding, or are just inviting everyone they know.


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## Alcalaina (Aug 6, 2010)

The Skipper said:


> That´s about the sum we had in mind at first but a young Spanish friend tells us that she recently gave €500 for a friend´s wedding! We don´t want to cause offence by being mean but at the same time we don´t want to bankrupt ourselves!


Well I'm pretty sure that's the exception rather than the rule. €500 is more than most people round here take home in a month! I emailed a Spanish friend for advice on this and will let you know what she says.


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## Pesky Wesky (May 10, 2009)

Alcalaina said:


> Well I'm pretty sure that's the exception rather than the rule. €500 is more than most people round here take home in a month! I emailed a Spanish friend for advice on this and will let you know what she says.


I'd be interested to know too as I think it probably depends according to which "circle" you move in!


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## The Skipper (Nov 26, 2014)

Alcalaina said:


> Well I'm pretty sure that's the exception rather than the rule. €500 is more than most people round here take home in a month! I emailed a Spanish friend for advice on this and will let you know what she says.


Thank you, I look forward to hearing what she says. We have spoken to a few other Spanish friends and I think PW is right - it depends upon the "circles" you move in. The girl who told us she made a €500 gift comes from a family who own a substantial business in town and they appear to be pretty wealthy. Another Spanish friend who is a retired restaurant owner says that €150 would be about the right amount based on the fact that the Casa de Bodas would probably charge around €50 a head for the meal leaving €50 as a gift (which he says is reasonable as a wedding gift when you are not part of the family or particularly close friends). I just hope there are no more wedding invitations on the way!


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## stefig (Jul 14, 2015)

I'm surprised that so many consider 100 euros so steep. I come from an Irish family and that too is the norm in Ireland. It's considered normal to cover the cost of the meal and then 50 euros as a present. What is the norm in the UK? I grew up in the UK mostly but have never gone to a wedding here!


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## The Skipper (Nov 26, 2014)

stefig said:


> I'm surprised that so many consider 100 euros so steep. I come from an Irish family and that too is the norm in Ireland. It's considered normal to cover the cost of the meal and then 50 euros as a present. What is the norm in the UK? I grew up in the UK mostly but have never gone to a wedding here!


Well, I didn´t know that ... and I suppose I should have being half Irish! (My father was from Dublin). In the UK the bride and groom normally distribute a wedding list (these days via the internet and often organised by an online store) and you choose a present to buy. Once you make the purchase the item is ticked off the list to avoid duplication. Presents often range from a set of bath towels to airline tickets to an exotic holiday resort but I have never been asked in the UK to contribute towards the cost of the reception. The Spanish wedding we have been invited to is that of the son of a neighbour who, to be honest, we don´t know that well and it is doubtful that in UK anyone other than close friends and family would be invited. But when you can invite guests without any cost implications I suppose it´s a case of the more the merrier!


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## Pesky Wesky (May 10, 2009)

stefig said:


> I'm surprised that so many consider 100 euros so steep. I come from an Irish family and that too is the norm in Ireland. It's considered normal to cover the cost of the meal and then 50 euros as a present. What is the norm in the UK? I grew up in the UK mostly but have never gone to a wedding here!


Before I came to Spain I had no idea that people put a price on their wedding invitations. I thought the family priced the wedding according to their economy, not to how much they calculated they would raise through the invitations they sent. That's how it was done in the UK when I left 30 years ago based on going to friends getting married and family members all of whom are lower middle to middle class.
My own story is...
I got married in Spain, but we were the first in the immediate family and of OH's friends to get married and I certainly wasn't aware of wedding etiquette. Even though OH comes from a very traditional Baque family he didn't mind that we did things a little differently ie we had a wedding list with a whole range of prices and with strange things like a mountain bike for me (his uncle gave me his old one. This was definitely not a traditional wedding!!. It was pretty reduced anyway as we'd lived together previously) and his mum wisely kept out of it. Everything was made easier as I had the foreigner's licence ie anything strange was put down to olde ancient English folklore, and because we were 400 kms away. If we'd been in Bilbao I'd have had to go to the dressmaker, to the hairdresser, to the caterer's, to the hotel etc etc recommended by them. In fact the wedding was in Bilbao, but we did a lot from Madrid. Also it was a very small wedding, only48 guests and horror of horrors - registry office


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## Helenameva (Aug 15, 2014)

We got a two week, all expenses paid, trip round Asia (Bali, Singapore, Java) with the money for our wedding. I think my lot paid for the taxi to the airport and the much more generous Catalan side paid for the rest. The in-laws insisted on paying for the reception, except for the large selection of English cheeses, which I generously contributed.

The rule of thumb round here for gifting money at weddings is the same as has already been said, i.e. the cost of the meal, usually around 100€ each. I don't think it necessarily gets used to pay for the meal but is just used as a benchmark. I think English people might get away with less, being ignorant about these things, but also not being fortunate enough to be on the receiving end. I don't mind being generous for a lot more weddings yet (English people will still get toasters though).


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## Alcalaina (Aug 6, 2010)

We made a point of asking guests NOT to bring presents when we got married. After I'd moved in with Mr A. we already had two of everything and certainly didn't need any more toasters! I can understand it if it's a young couple setting up home though, and I think giving money makes sense - but not when you can see how much everyone's given. Just be glad you're not in Greece where you have to pin bank notes to the bride's dress!


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## Pesky Wesky (May 10, 2009)

Alcalaina said:


> We made a point of asking guests NOT to bring presents when we got married. After I'd moved in with Mr A. we already had two of everything and certainly didn't need any more toasters! I can understand it if it's a young couple setting up home though, and I think giving money makes sense - but not when you can see how much everyone's given. Just be glad you're not in Greece where you have to pin bank notes to the bride's dress!


Yes, forgot to say we paid for everything ourselves as at 32 it seemed a bit silly getting mum and dad to fork out. I think when MIL heard we were paying was when she realised that she didn't know the ropes, she beat a retreat.


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## jimenato (Nov 21, 2009)

stefig said:


> I'm surprised that so many consider 100 euros so steep. I come from an Irish family and that too is the norm in Ireland. It's considered normal to cover the cost of the meal and then 50 euros as a present. What is the norm in the UK? I grew up in the UK mostly but have never gone to a wedding here!


I've never heard of anyone expecting to get their wedding reception paid for by the guests - I'm sure it just doesn't happen in the UK. 

We're actually going to a wedding in Spain next week but they are British (well Scottish) so normal rules apply. Well just about normal - no point in buying presents as they won't be able to get them back to the UK easily so we have been asked to contribute something to a honeymoon fund which we will be quite happy to do. 

TBH I think I would find a way out of going to a wedding if the meal was going to cost me 100 quid a head.


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## Pesky Wesky (May 10, 2009)

jimenato said:


> TBH I think I would find a way out of going to a wedding if the meal was going to cost me 100 quid a head.


And guests really dress up, get make up done, go to the hairdressers...


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## xabiaxica (Jun 23, 2009)

Pesky Wesky said:


> And guests really dress up, get make up done, go to the hairdressers...


I'd better hope none of my Spanish friends get married any time soon!


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## jimenato (Nov 21, 2009)

Pesky Wesky said:


> And guests really dress up, get make up done, go to the hairdressers...


I'll put a suit on. I don't do make up. Hair would be nice.


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## The Skipper (Nov 26, 2014)

Pesky Wesky said:


> And guests really dress up, get make up done, go to the hairdressers...


Oh my God - didn´t think of that! Haven´t taken a suit out of the wardrobe in six years! And I bet SWMBO will want a new outfit. More expense!


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## Justina (Jan 25, 2013)

*Weddings*



Pesky Wesky said:


> And guests really dress up, get make up done, go to the hairdressers...


In Mexico, it is supposedly a great privilege to be asked to be a 'dama' in a wedding, which means that you can be 'chosen' to pay for the hairdresser, or 'la banda' or even worse, fork out for the dress. It does mean that for ever and ever you will be invited to whatever party will come up. 
The middle class generally puts their list of wants, to up market stores, and one can find fridge, tele, you name it which I presume is for the family to offer to buy. Being a cheapskate, I generally looked for the cheaper end, since I don't have much time for marriage, prefer the old fashioned way that if they want me then I will go. Although, after a couple of weddings in Mexico, I was so bored that we preferred to send a reasonable present and a reasonable excuse.


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## Helenameva (Aug 15, 2014)

I'm really glad none of you tight wads went to my wedding, we wouldn't have even been able to afford a wet weekend in Weston-super-mud


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## Lolito (Aug 25, 2012)

Funny reading this.... as a Spaniard, I always wanted my other half to come with me to a proper spanish wedding, now it is finally happening on Saturday. But hey! he is now not coming as someone needs to look after all the animals!!

I am a bit surprised at hearing the 100 euros bit, as this is what we were usually giving like 10 years ago! My sis got married in 2004 and the hotel wasn't 'starred' at all, although it was a bit posh, in Pamplona and the 'cover' (cubierto) was at the time 75 euros and she chose a mid/average one! so most guests gave them around the 100 euros mark. 

As my other half says, it is not really an invitation if they are expecting you to pay for it!! but that's the way things work over here, it is expected that you cover the costs of the cubierto and if there is anything left over, then it is for their honeymoon or whatever they need it for.

We call this 'espigar', to gather grain. 

Usually, towards the end of the verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyy longggggg meal, usually at desert's time, people used to queue around the bride and groom's table with the 'menu card' and they both sign it for you saying Thanks for coming to our wedding. There and then you drop a tiny envelope with the money.

Later on, the bride and groom settle the bill with the hotel and whatever is left, the use for whatever they need.

Also, the groom friends cut the groom's tie in many small pieces and go round the tables collecting money, sometimes if there is not enough tie to go round, they cut their underwear too. The bride's friend do the same with the bride's garter belt or suspender or whatever you call it, and go round the tables too, all that money gained it used for everybody to continue partying into the late hours, i.e. drinks in pubs/bars, etc.

So make sure you take enough change, usually 5-10 or 20 euros bank notes. Don't even think to dissapear to the toilets when this is happening as they will follow you nevertheless and embarrase you in front of people for trying to avoid it. 

So, yes, it is an expensive business, especially if you have to buy a new dress or suit, hairdressers, travelling expenses, etc. So all in all 500 euros is not really enough.

In my case, on this wedding on Saturday, i am giving my cousins 150 euros, plus 89 for travelling expenses, plus about 200 on new outfit, plus 120 in hotels plus money to spend, so sometimes, people have to say 'Sorry I can't come, i can't afford it' and no-one will think any less of you for that. 

True is, that sometimes, a family of five go to your wedding and drop 30 euros in an envelope for the five of them.... or even nothing. That's life!


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## Pesky Wesky (May 10, 2009)

Lolito said:


> Funny reading this.... as a Spaniard, I always wanted my other half to come with me to a proper spanish wedding, now it is finally happening on Saturday. But hey! he is now not coming as someone needs to look after all the animals!!
> 
> I am a bit surprised at hearing the 100 euros bit, as this is what we were usually giving like 10 years ago! My sis got married in 2004 and the hotel wasn't 'starred' at all, although it was a bit posh, in Pamplona and the 'cover' (cubierto) was at the time 75 euros and she chose a mid/average one! so most guests gave them around the 100 euros mark.
> 
> ...


None of that tie cutting business or raffling off parts of the bride's outfit went on at my wedding thank godness!! Nor at any other wedding I've been to when I come to think of it...


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## kalohi (May 6, 2012)

The cutting up the tie and garter belt thing used to happen around here (we did it at my wedding 25 years ago!) but now it is considered crass. It's been at least 10 years since I've seen it done.

No more envelopes stuffed with money, either. The wedding invitation comes with a bank account number so it's all handled that way. Yes, your gift is expected to cover the cost of your meal plus something extra.


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## anles (Feb 11, 2009)

Lolito said:


> Funny reading this.... as a Spaniard, I always wanted my other half to come with me to a proper spanish wedding, now it is finally happening on Saturday. But hey! he is now not coming as someone needs to look after all the animals!!
> 
> I am a bit surprised at hearing the 100 euros bit, as this is what we were usually giving like 10 years ago! My sis got married in 2004 and the hotel wasn't 'starred' at all, although it was a bit posh, in Pamplona and the 'cover' (cubierto) was at the time 75 euros and she chose a mid/average one! so most guests gave them around the 100 euros mark.
> 
> ...


Things haven't always been like this though. People did used to pay for their weddings themselves and invite the people they wanted to share their special day with them. And they had traditional weddings gifts, which is as it should be, in my opinion. I don't exactly know when it became a business, but it would be more honest to sell tickets rather than issue invitations, then people would know what they were expected to pay and could easily not go without having to say we can't afford it or make an excuse to save face. I think it's very sad that most weddings in Spain are like this and it's even becoming standard at communions and christenings.


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## 213979 (Apr 11, 2013)

I guess I'm the strange one around here who likes Spanish weddings. My cousin is getting married next year and I've got a year to save up. I love a chance to eat an amazing meal and party with family and friends! Last year I even got to eat at a Michelin starred restaurant. 

What I've been told is to cover the cost of your menu plate. If you want to gossip, check out the venue's website. 

Regarding cutting up ties, underwear or garter belts, I have never seen that up north.


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## Chopera (Apr 22, 2013)

jimenato said:


> stefig said:
> 
> 
> > I'm surprised that so many consider 100 euros so steep. I come from an Irish family and that too is the norm in Ireland. It's considered normal to cover the cost of the meal and then 50 euros as a present. What is the norm in the UK? I grew up in the UK mostly but have never gone to a wedding here!
> ...


All weddings in spain are like this and personally, having been to numerous spanish and british weddings, i think the spanish system is better.

The venue where the wedding is held usually provides various menu options, and the couple choose what works. Ours was ?80 6 years ago so ?100 now sounds right. That usually includes plenty of canopes and booze, a 5 course meal that puts most uk catering to shame, followed by a free bar until the early hours.

What i find ridiculous is the dated idea of families of the bride shelling out 10s of thousands of pounds, and in return getting nothing, while the bride gets a load of presents she doesn't need. With the spanish way the cost is spread around.


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## Lolito (Aug 25, 2012)

Me and my family are originally from Navarra, and in the last 50 years I might have attended 100s of wedding in that area, all of them (bar my bro's) included the cutting of ties, garters, etc. All the wedding I have gone to in Extremadura, many, as half of my family and friends are from that area, also include the cuttings. I will let you know how this posh wedding in Madrid in a couple of days goes, but I am pretty sure 100% it will include it as well. 

Maybe in other parts of Spain won't happen. My friend who is holidaying with us at the moment is from Cataluña and got married in Barcelona and she is just telling me that they also did that at her wedding.

I like UK weddings too, bar the speeches, that I find a bit tacky these days and it would be good if we could have a better meal tho, not just soup, meat and a bit of cake. lol ! mind you, i shouldn't complain as there were proper invitations and i didn't pay for the meal. 

My fav is mexican weddings, they know how to partttttyyyyyyyyyyy!


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## Isobella (Oct 16, 2014)

Weddings are a huge business now in the UK. Most have some posh venue which can be a couple of hours from their area. This means everyone booking into said hotel for overnight stay at your own expense. There is also a rash of bridal shops opening up, even in small villages. Have noticed many who aren't well off will happily spend a small fortune on the procedure. Has it become the same in Spain?

The last we went to cost us £125 for a nights stay plus the wedding gift which was money. The couple asked for money because as both had been married before they had everything


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## Neil061173 (Jun 4, 2015)

I live in Valencia and I am married to a Valencian girl ! In my time here I have been to many Spanish weddings and in all honesty they are usually fantastic events ! on average we would usually give 300 to 400 euros for the pair of us but these are usually close friends . All the weddings I have been to big or small have given us fantastic food and unlimited drinks and usually transport to and from the venue .When we got married we received the same treatment and gave the same to all or guests no matter what was given to us ! But in the end you can only afford what you can afford !!


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## Lolito (Aug 25, 2012)

Well, just arrived back from Madrid today, the wedding was very good, all went very well. My cousin told me their chosen menu was 159 euros per head, mind you, it was a very posh wedding, and yes... the cutting of tie and garter happened as expected.


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## Priiya (Sep 9, 2015)

is it mandatory to transfer money?you can look at ideas like sponsoring for a small trip or some event tickets which excites them.


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