# Help with teenager son!



## helenka (Nov 16, 2010)

Hello everyone. I am a single mother who is wanting to emigrate to Canada with my two sons (12 and 15). My 12 year old is all up for the move but my eldest is totally against the idea and I am hoping that if i can find some first hand experience of other teenagers who have moved, he can read about their experiences which may ease any anxieties for him.

If i can just take a little bit of space to explain my situation. As i said, i am a single mum and my kids see their dad every other weekend. We split up nearly 12 years ago. I am currently nearly finished my Masters in social work and by february i shall be a qualified social worker. I have always wanted to move to Canada, and even more so when you consider what is happening to England, and I met my partner who lives in Ontario (thats a long story in itself!!). Even though eventually i would like to live with him, i want the move over to Canada to be about me and my kids, not for me to move in with my partner, but for me to get a place for just me and the boys. Everything was looking wonderful until i discussed it with my eldest as he flatly refuses to go. In his defence we have not gone to Canada to even visit and being a single mum student, the finances have not allowed that, but I have every intention of visiting Canada with the children before the move to get them involved in as much of the decision making process as I can. I am hoping that after he sees the country and the way of life, people etc he will start to change his mind, but i am hoping for two things from you lovely people. 

Firstly, as i mentioned before, if there are any teenagers on here who can appreciate his feelings of 'my life will be over if i move', then please contact me and i can forward perhaps your details on to him to see if he would like to enquire further. I am also looking for help from parents on how to best deal with the move as i am starting to think that if i cant get him on board, then i cant move. I have no intention on moving until he finishes his GCSE's but he has stated quite clearly (and he is true) that by 16, if he does not want to go, then i cant make him! Any help you guys could offer would be fantastic as im beginning to feel my hopes and dreams are starting to evaporate.

Thank you guys in advance,

Helenka


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## Pecosa (Nov 29, 2009)

helenka said:


> Hello everyone. I am a single mother who is wanting to emigrate to Canada with my two sons (12 and 15). My 12 year old is all up for the move but my eldest is totally against the idea and I am hoping that if i can find some first hand experience of other teenagers who have moved, he can read about their experiences which may ease any anxieties for him.
> 
> If i can just take a little bit of space to explain my situation. As i said, i am a single mum and my kids see their dad every other weekend. We split up nearly 12 years ago. I am currently nearly finished my Masters in social work and by february i shall be a qualified social worker. I have always wanted to move to Canada, and even more so when you consider what is happening to England, and I met my partner who lives in Ontario (thats a long story in itself!!). Even though eventually i would like to live with him, i want the move over to Canada to be about me and my kids, not for me to move in with my partner, but for me to get a place for just me and the boys. Everything was looking wonderful until i discussed it with my eldest as he flatly refuses to go. In his defence we have not gone to Canada to even visit and being a single mum student, the finances have not allowed that, but I have every intention of visiting Canada with the children before the move to get them involved in as much of the decision making process as I can. I am hoping that after he sees the country and the way of life, people etc he will start to change his mind, but i am hoping for two things from you lovely people.
> 
> ...


Helenka,
I feel for you--you are in a tough position indeed.
We recently returned from traveling around/living in Europe for what ended up being only a year (even though we had hoped to stay indefinitely).
Our youngest daughter was fine, but our eldest (who was 13 when we went and just turned 14) found it VERY difficult to leave her friends behind and attempt to adapt to new social rules/new kids at school/new language, etc. She is very easy-going and very social so she did her best, but she cried a lot in her room at night.
Now we too are dreaming of getting out (again) and possibly moving to Canada (we are currently in Oregon, USA), but that would be us moving her realistically at age 16 so I feel your pain!!!
Honestly, there will be no easy way for you to move your older son. You will either do it or you won't. He will be miserable for a period of time (on and off) and then adapt. It is such a hard time to move a kid--so close to adulthood and yet still a child.
I wish you much luck,
Beth


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## Guest (Nov 23, 2010)

helenka said:


> Hello everyone. I am a single mother who is wanting to emigrate to Canada with my two sons (12 and 15). My 12 year old is all up for the move but my eldest is totally against the idea and I am hoping that if i can find some first hand experience of other teenagers who have moved, he can read about their experiences which may ease any anxieties for him.
> 
> If i can just take a little bit of space to explain my situation. As i said, i am a single mum and my kids see their dad every other weekend. We split up nearly 12 years ago. I am currently nearly finished my Masters in social work and by february i shall be a qualified social worker. I have always wanted to move to Canada, and even more so when you consider what is happening to England, and I met my partner who lives in Ontario (thats a long story in itself!!). Even though eventually i would like to live with him, i want the move over to Canada to be about me and my kids, not for me to move in with my partner, but for me to get a place for just me and the boys. Everything was looking wonderful until i discussed it with my eldest as he flatly refuses to go. In his defence we have not gone to Canada to even visit and being a single mum student, the finances have not allowed that, but I have every intention of visiting Canada with the children before the move to get them involved in as much of the decision making process as I can. I am hoping that after he sees the country and the way of life, people etc he will start to change his mind, but i am hoping for two things from you lovely people.
> 
> ...


Hi Helenka

I know how difficult it is - I moved to another country (not Canada) when my son was 16. Our situation was quite different, though (I don't want to go into details on this forum) so I won't try and compare - I just wanted to offer some suggestions

I think if you can swing a trip to Canada before you move, it would definitely help. I would suggest going at a time of year when the weather is usually good. If you go in March, for example, the weather can be a bit dismal and that won't help your cause

Try and sell him on the positives, especially around things he likes to do or would like to do. Does he like winter sports? Tell him how good the skiing is, and take a trip to somewhere like Collingwood or Quebec (not sure where you plan to live, but choose the place that's closest to that so it'll be realistic that he'll be able to experience it when you get there).

Water sports? Visit the Muskokas or Collingwood, show him how easy it is to get involved in watersports.

Camping? Hiking? Cycling? Music? Find some great places that cater to this and take him

Other than that, try and sell Canada's good points - eg., hot summers, snow in winter, etc. (drawing a blank here - there must be other good things about Canada)

Maybe try and find an expat site for Brits living in Canada, and find out if any of them have kids the same age (hopefully ones who like it in Canada), and try and get them to meet when you visit. Maybe they'll be able to show him and tell him what they like about Canada? If your son is shy, knowing there are other expat kids around may help ease some uncertainty and anxiety. Kids at that age often don't like to be seen as "different" from their peers, so if there are other kids around with a similar accent, it may help

We did all that when we moved to China, eg, sold our son on the positives, and he started to get excited about it.

Hope that helps


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## EVHB (Feb 11, 2008)

We moved to Oakville, ON with our 16 year old son almost 3 months ago, and he likes it!
We promised him that he could give webcams to those of his Belgian friends who did not have one (they all had one  ). And when he comes home from school, he fist takes a break while chatting with his Belgian friends (here it's 3pm, in Belgium it's 6 hours later).
But he met a lot of new friends here, there were even guys in his high school who had lived in Belgium for a couple of years! 
Our son want to go to university, and he went to a couple of fall open houses. Well, I can tell you that we were impressed by all these wonderful opertunities that they offer! A lot more choise than in Belgium! So if your son wants to attend university too, that might be a good thing!
There's a lot more freedom in the schools here, compared to the Belgian Jesuit school that he attended. (they can walk out to a plaze and have a drink at Tim Hortons or go shopping for a bagel in the Sobey's)
They already made 3 fieldtrips: one to a movie theatre, one to downtown Toronto to watch MacBeth, and one to support the school soccer team.
School starts at 8 but is fnished at 2.40, so you still have al lot of time to do nice things. In Belgium school started at 8.30 and finished at 4.15, but by the time he got home it was already 5. They had a lot of homework to do, so almost no spare time during the week. Here, our son makes most of his homework in the school (because he works fast, so while others are still making there class exercices, he's already working on his homework).


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

It's a really tough situation, no matter how you handle it. One thing that might help is to start discussing NOW with their Dad how you might handle the visitation issue. You'll have to have his ok to take the boys out of the country, and if you can work with him to come up with a reasonable plan, it could make the transition easier all around. (Working out the financial aspect of how to do this would be a good idea, too - who is going to pay for the transportation, etc.?)

It might actually pay to consider whether, at age 16, he may want to remain with his father (if his father will have him) - maybe just for a year or so. At least if he has that option on the table and you can discuss all the pluses and minuses, he has a little bit of control over the situation. (His father may have some conditions that will change his mind - you don't know until you raise the issue.)

I agree that he really does have to see the place first, and you need to be careful you don't push too much with "isn't that great?" and "don't you just love..." etc. Get him interested in ice hockey, and you won't be able to get him back to the UK, not even to pack up and move for good. But it has to be his decision and you may have to give him some time to come around, especially if you are too obviously anxious for him to choose "your" solution.

Full disclaimer: I have no kids of my own. I just remember vividly what it was like being a kid of that age. 
Cheers,
Bev


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