# Devastated!!



## lifechoices (Mar 14, 2013)

Hi there! I'm UK expat living in the Philippines. I've been married to a filipina since Dec.
2007. During some troubling times my wife became pregnant with another filipino's
child. I decided that I was partly to blame for her indiscretion,due to my outspoken 
comments regarding different things. I saw the child as being an innocent party
in all this and decided to remain in my marriage and do all I could to give "my son"
a good start in life. I have been taking care of Skye (my son) for 10 hours a day
(while my wife worked) for 2 and a half years. Sadly my marriage has gone from bad to disintergration. My wife says she's had enough and wants a divorce (we married in Thailand) To be honest if it wasn't for my son I would have got out of this marriage a long time ago. The problem is, I'm gutted at having to leave my son whom I love 
enormously. There is no chance of reconcilliation so I would like to know if there are any expats that have gone through this scenario,and how did they handle it? I will never see my son again as I have decided to return to the UK or possibly another country. I apologise for the length of this post

Shane


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## yakc130 (Apr 27, 2012)

Since no one has responded to you, I will offer some advice from things I have seen with others in similar situations.


"my wife became pregnant with another filipino's child." 


You just said it all right there. I hate to say it, but he is not "your" child. He is your wife's and her boyfriend's. The child is their responsibility, not yours.

If there is _any question that he may be yours, get a paternity test done. If he is your son, then start from there. Otherwise, if you wish to do anything else for the boy, I would recommend that you get an attorney. 

Take some time and do some hard thinking about what you want to do with your life now before you do anything. Once you have made some decisions based on reason, and not emotion, act on them.

That's the best I can offer you.

Good luck._


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## lifechoices (Mar 14, 2013)

Hi there! 

I truly appreciate your response to my predicament! 
I fully understand what you have stated, however I accepted that I was in some 
way partly responsible for my wife needing to seek something outside of our 
marriage. What did you do when your wife became pregnant with another mans 
child, leave or stay?

I have allowed myself to become emotionally attached to this child,he (Skye) is
an "innocent" party in this and I have feelings that I would be abandoning him if
I decided to leave. 

Shane


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## sysop32 (Mar 17, 2013)

Sorry for your trouble, Shane.

Here's what my wife just told me:
Wait until the kid is 7 years old, then he decide for him self. Until then, the custody belongs to the mother.

However, you could talk to your wife about what is best for the child and talk your way through it instead.


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## M.C.A. (Feb 24, 2013)

lifechoices said:


> Hi there! I'm UK expat living in the Philippines. I've been married to a filipina since Dec.
> 2007. During some troubling times my wife became pregnant with another filipino's
> child. I decided that I was partly to blame for her indiscretion,due to my outspoken
> comments regarding different things. I saw the child as being an innocent party
> ...



This also happens to many ladies here from other Philippine men, they have kids from multiple partners even though they're married, my wife's brother before he passed on told us he couldn't have kids to begin with and all his many, many kids were not his, I adopted one baby girl from him, she now is all grown up and living with us.

I don't think I would leave, I would probably try another area close by that's affordable till you sort things out, then you might opt to completly find a different area I am thinking. I too have had many family related issues mostly with my wifes brothers, sisters and their kids and grand kids, they all work together like a team, not only in plundering your goods but also brainwashing early on the kids so they pretty much destroy them and turn them against you, they almost succeeded with my adopted daughter but things have turned around, my adopted son, I was never able to reach him even though I tried several attempts to have him stay with us only to have him plunder all our goods and items to his own family, he lied to us several times in order to come back into the house, only to end up disaster so he's out for good this time.

I don't doubt that the boy loves you but it sounds like an impossible task to turn the wife around and I don't know how Philippine law will go about this one because he's not your legal son but still your son in the heart the laws seem really outdated here in many ways but when it comes to relationship laws they are usually favor the men when you're not married, if you don't marry you live better here because the woman has no rights to your stuff so you can kick them out any time. once you're married all bets off, I have a brother-in-law who had 5 kids and apparently his wife got real ugly, he just up and moved to another lot on the property and got a girl friend that has to do charcoal chopping day and night while he runs around with other ladies, she can't do anything about it and he can kick her out at anytime no rights, they fight all the time about it, his nickname and he's proud of it is Bonga, he brags all the time.

I too have thought about leaving here several times because the wife is really out of line on many things she gambles, drinks runs her mouth constantly, it's a daily challenge for me but I'm not going to let her send me back to the US, if things went real sour I would up and rent somewhere else and live low for a while till I get my head clear and focused on how I want to live here and the best way to do it without someone dragging me down, possibly taking a much longer approach to relationships and finding a lady much more peaceful, honorable and professional, people change, I have changed but my wife has not.

Couldn't imagine just how expensive it would be for you to return to the UK and start again, if you have a pension I feel you can start again and do it differently in such a way that you protect yourself from such bad happening, I am 50 years old and if I had to move out, I don't think I would want to deal with kids anymore or family members and other users that come with a bad lady, I know that I would focus more on myself and my wants for a change, pleasing people for a lifetime has taken it's toll on me, so I too am ready to move on if things don't change, ready made families do work for some but sadly not all. 

There's a group of men that live the Pagsanjan falls area not to far from me from Australia and I think parts of the EU they meet weekly or so they told me to talk and drink some don't drink though, I never did join them but maybe I might eventually it's good to talk it out with others and get things off your chest and maybe get some information that way too!


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## sysop32 (Mar 17, 2013)

mcalleyboy, sounds like your family there is all about drama (something they are really good at).
If you can, get a divorce/annulment and move away from there. An advice I got when I first got here was, that I should live at least 500 pesos away from family.

I was thinking; if lifechoices son got his last name, then it's up to the mother to prove otherwise. And I am sure she won't pay for a paternity test, so in that matter lifechoices are 'safe'.

The brainwashing thingy is another matter - either keep the kids completely away from other familymembers or put the foot to the ground and make a stand.
Or do as I (if possible): I use other familymembers with bigger authority to get things my way - it works great and it kind of give them a taste of their own medicine.


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## Asian Spirit (Mar 1, 2010)

*Problems In Life*



mcalleyboy said:


> This also happens to many ladies here from other Philippine men, they have kids from multiple partners even though they're married, my wife's brother before he passed on told us he couldn't have kids to begin with and all his many, many kids were not his, I adopted one baby girl from him, she now is all grown up and living with us.
> 
> I don't think I would leave, I would probably try another area close by that's affordable till you sort things out, then you might opt to completly find a different area I am thinking. I too have had many family related issues mostly with my wifes brothers, sisters and their kids and grand kids, they all work together like a team, not only in plundering your goods but also brainwashing early on the kids so they pretty much destroy them and turn them against you, they almost succeeded with my adopted daughter but things have turned around, my adopted son, I was never able to reach him even though I tried several attempts to have him stay with us only to have him plunder all our goods and items to his own family, he lied to us several times in order to come back into the house, only to end up disaster so he's out for good this time.
> 
> ...


*Hi Shane,

There always seems to be problems in life but eventually, most seem to get worked out for the best. Makes it difficult when you want instant answers to problems that were a long time in the making. It just can't happen.

There is lots of good advice and ideas for here so far. From among them, I feel that Mcalleyboy probably has closer insight into the issue.

Aside from the issue of child custody and the like, I think you may be overlooking an issue even more important and that is your personal safety through this. If you cause or create what your wife or her family thinks are too many problems "OR" if they think that they might loose a court case, they may simply have you eliminated. Considering the thought process of so many people here and the staggering lack of judgment, it is always a possibility
Be Careful of all that you do. It's not wort loosing your life and you can do that child no good if you are 6 feet underground!



Gene*


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## M.C.A. (Feb 24, 2013)

I'm giving it some more chance because things are starting to turn around but it's slowly, drama boy the wife is big on that along with the TV full blast day and night, I get little peace here.

Yes If I do move I might try it more north from me, Calamba Laguna, it has all the spots and is still affordable in some area's.

No luck with other family members here they all work together and the family is big along with cousins nobody is honest and the relationship is one way all the way been dealing with this since 1993 we basically don't talk to them anymore or just visit certain members, I can never trust them again, my daughter was kicked out for a couple years and the message was take,take take, give me this, get me that, I figured out how they got the stuff out of the house, they all carry plastic bags and throw them out the window, another family member usually a child picks it up.


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## Phil_expat (Jan 3, 2011)

I know how you feel! My ex-GF in the USA had a daughter I raised from diapers till 12 years old. The father is NOT the man that might have known a woman for an hour but the man that is there for the child and takes care of the child. When the relationship ended my ex wanted to sever my relationship with her daughter. I had to realize that I had no say so and had to move on. 
One thing I learned is if there is one instant of cheating that you discovered there had to be many more. As far as the little girl is concern she is a lot older now and we do communicate. The mother even encourages my communication with her daughter. Wounds heels with time.
As far as reconciliation is concern: I do not believe in giving up in a relationship but one must know when to throw in the towel and move on. Sounds like it is time for you to move on! A child senses the discontent between you and your wife and he is unhappy too. Best for him if you leave!
Forget the past and move on! If you like living in southeast Asia then stay here but away from you ex-wife!


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## lifechoices (Mar 14, 2013)

I would like to thank ALL of you for your advice regarding this sad situation.
My wife has many of the traits of a "NARCISSIST" she has stolen money from my wallet(she says I must have lost it!) she has taken money of mine lying around the house. She sold her diamond wedding ring that I had custom made in Thailand then she stole and sold mine (she says I must have lost it in the house somewhere). My ipad has gone missing (she says the electrician who did some wiring must have taken it. She ALWAYS plays the blame game,never accepting that maybe her behavior has something to do with why I'm angry at times. In her eyes "she is right" and I am wrong. As far as I'm concerned this marriage is over, I'm just trying to remain in close contact with my son Skye. My wife says that she may go overseas to work when we divorce leaving Skye with her family. After seeing their family situation I believe that Skye will be emotionally and interlectually destroyed with their Philippine ideas and mentallity (that causes me great emotional pain). I do need a "TIME OUT" to consider if all this trauma is worth fighting for, knowing that Skye is not my biological son but love him like he was/is.

Thank you ALL


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## M.C.A. (Feb 24, 2013)

I had to look up the word narcissist, hadn't heard that in a while, wow that would fit my wife and her many family members to tee! they never say sorry or thank you for anything either, they have a very high pride even though they are very poor people, not all of them are without money though but cause trouble big time due to jealousy.

If nobody entered your house I would agree with you that she is selling off the goods but get this, we have found many family members all can not be trusted, maid, workers plumbers, carpenter can never be trusted or those that want to cause trouble, usually a jealous sister, brother-in-law see's a opportunity, don't trust them even if you're really close or even our own adopted kids doing this just to blame someone else new that is living in the house, this has happened several times that I have lost count and caused serious fighting.


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## lifechoices (Mar 14, 2013)

*Devastated*

I have lived and worked in 12 different countries including 10 years in Thailand and 
" I HAVE NEVER EVER" been treated with such disdain (to look down upon/lack of respect/intense dislike of) as I have by many "not all" of the Philippine people.
I now see them for what they are, hypocrites that live by double standards with a 
me, me me attitude! Anyone, no matter what culture who cannot take responsibility
for their words and actions choosing to play the "blame game",say thank you/show appreciation for what someone does for them and say please "does not" deserve my respect or help financially or otherwise. 

Leaving this "innocent child" whom I love, in the custody of a "narcissistic" mother and dysfunctional Philippine family will cause me enormous emotional pain for a long time to come. However to save my own sanity I know it's what I need to do.
I would like to thank ALL who have responded to my original post, it is much appreciated! And to any foreigner married to a filipina who is experiencing anything
similar to this, STOP making excuses for them just because they are poor , beautiful uneducated or comming from a third world country JUST GET OUT They all "KNOW" what they are doing, they know the difference between right and wrong and if they don't then God help them. I'm assuming that many foreigners come here with good intentions and we "DO NOT" deserve to be treated like ATM machines or with such disrespect.

Shane


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