# Advice to give to a freind with an aggressive wife.



## TomTao

I have an American freind who lives not far from me whose wife is very aggressive, he has two children and is staying in the marriage for the kids, he never knows when he will have a good day or a bad day. It would be easy to say just hit her back, but he was raised to not hit women, and she is Thai, he is a Farang, guess who the police would believe, and I am worried that if he does go to the police they just may simply laugh at him. I have told him he needs to seriously consider whether is it is worth while staying in the marriage, but he is worried about his kids, they are his everything. Any suggestions? Anyone with experience.


----------



## hydroman

I am very sorry to hear this. Myself I had 30 years of it and was the reason why I ended up in Thailand. It was quite a lot simpler for me as at that time my wife was British and we lived in Briton, what you are describing is a problem that is almost impossible to live with it is a illness . I do know there is a gentleman that used to be on this site (only because I have seen on another site) had the same problem and lives in Thailand with his children and no longer lives with his wife I am hoping he will contact you and tell you how it’s done SORRY CANNOT GIVE YOU HIS NAME it’s a very personal thing just hope this spurs him on


----------



## mikecwm

Staying in a marriage for the sake of the children. How many times have I heard that one?
If children are constantly exposed to anger between parents they will likely grow up to find that normal, which will not do much for any future relationships they will have.
My ex and I did not get on very well. No violence, but definately an undercurrent of anger.
My young son picked that up and was very unhappy and often acted out.
I thought it best to stay together for his sake, but finally realised that I needed a happy life as well.
We separated when he was 7. He came to stay with me alternative weekends.
Now he is 16 and lives with me and my Thai wife (in Canada) - they get on extremely well. He's had 3 visits to Thailand with us already. Friends tell me he is charming to be around, mature, well balanced.
He still has both parents in his life, but he didn't continue to grow up in living in a tense atmosphere.
I'm sure he has benefitted from our separation and divorce. He loves his mother but did tell me once that she's a difficult woman to live with. Nice to have that confirmation.
Moral? Kids need a warm and friendly atmosphere to live in, more than they need two parents living together.


----------



## TomTao

Hi Mikecwm,
Thanks for the reply, I will show your reply to my freind, it give him some food for thought.


----------



## wildfk

TomTao said:


> I have an American freind who lives not far from me whose wife is very aggressive, he has two children and is staying in the marriage for the kids, he never knows when he will have a good day or a bad day. It would be easy to say just hit her back, but he was raised to not hit women, and she is Thai, he is a Farang, guess who the police would believe, and I am worried that if he does go to the police they just may simply laugh at him. I have told him he needs to seriously consider whether is it is worth while staying in the marriage, but he is worried about his kids, they are his everything. Any suggestions? Anyone with experience.


...so are you implying that if she wasn't Thai, hitting might be an option???

from your "report" the man in this case is blameless.
My experience of expats who marry Thai women is that very frequently the marriage is lopsided in several ways....age, education finance, not to mention cultures........

My instinct is to look at the man and try to see how or why he prompts what you call "aggression" - however to me it sounds more like violence, which in fact may be an attempt at what is perceived as self-defence. THis sort of response does not require actual violence by the man only psychological "abuse".

Furthermore you talk about "the kids" and the man's concern for them....are you sure he is not using them himself as a tool for blackmail....e.g. threatening to take the kids away unless the woman behaves as he wants. Either way the kids will suffer.

In the end it usually takes 2 to tango and it seems highly likely that this man is either consciously or unconsciously contributing to the situation so perhaps he might look to himself first rather than trying to justify his opinions by taking it to the nearest "supportive" farang.


----------



## TomTao

He is the one who gets hit, it does not matter what the nationality is, everyone has a right to defend themselves. Please try not to sterotype, not every person or circumstance is or can be caregorised the same way. I was in a similar situation in Australia, my ex wife received a suspended sentence because of the abuse she did to my daughter. Not all men are animals and not all women are angels.


----------



## wildfk

TomTao said:


> He is the one who gets hit, it does not matter what the nationality is, everyone has a right to defend themselves. Please try not to sterotype, not every person or circumstance is or can be caregorised the same way. I was in a similar situation in Australia, my ex wife received a suspended sentence because of the abuse she did to my daughter. Not all men are animals and not all women are angels.


I am most definitely NOT stereotyping - you are the one who makes assumptions both about how a farang is treated under law and that the wife is "aggressive" - you now assert that the man has been hit.
The role of women in Thailand is certainly not the same as in the US or Europe and ten in those places the woman can resort to violence - something you hinted yourself might be acceptable - I do not subscribe to your theory BTW - however one has to understand that in Thai culture a woman can be frustrated by hr partners :aggression" to a point where she feels unable to express herself or defend herself in any other way - as the laws in Thailand (and education) are far less balanced in favour of women. you may not be aware for instance that until vey recently - it was impossible for a man to be accused of raping his ex-wife....this law has not even been completely repealed as we speak. So it is to some extant faced with "aggression" from her husband that a Thai woman may well feel that her only option is violence as a form of defence.
You are of course quie right in that neither all men or women are angels but the stats tend to suggest that abuse (physical or psychological is usually from the man's side - 

stating an exception does not disprove the rule. In fact your example isn't even an exception - it merely gives us your version of a domestic dispute in which the woman abused the child - and you were personally involved.

I have merely said that given the information we have it would be perfectly logical for us to want to look at the man's behaviour and for him to look at himself.


----------



## TomTao

wildfk said:


> I am most definitely NOT stereotyping - you are the one who makes assumptions both about how a farang is treated under law and that the wife is "aggressive" - you now assert that the man has been hit.
> The role of women in Thailand is certainly not the same as in the US or Europe and ten in those places the woman can resort to violence - something you hinted yourself might be acceptable - I do not subscribe to your theory BTW - however one has to understand that in Thai culture a woman can be frustrated by hr partners :aggression" to a point where she feels unable to express herself or defend herself in any other way - as the laws in Thailand (and education) are far less balanced in favour of women. you may not be aware for instance that until vey recently - it was impossible for a man to be accused of raping his ex-wife....this law has not even been completely repealed as we speak. So it is to some extant faced with "aggression" from her husband that a Thai woman may well feel that her only option is violence as a form of defence.
> You are of course quie right in that neither all men or women are angels but the stats tend to suggest that abuse (physical or psychological is usually from the man's side -
> 
> stating an exception does not disprove the rule. In fact your example isn't even an exception - it merely gives us your version of a domestic dispute in which the woman abused the child - and you were personally involved.
> 
> I have merely said that given the information we have it would be perfectly logical for us to want to look at the man's behaviour and for him to look at himself.


I know he has been hit, I have seen the torn clothes and bruises on him, nothing on her, his 6yo daughter asked him to find her a new mummy, and she has said that while her father has been in my home with my wife present, his daughter has also said "mummy hits daddy alot". 
Yes the stats do show that men are usually the more aggressive, but not always, abuse against a husband is not often reported, there are two possible reasons for this, 1. as already discussed it is usually the man who is the abuser, 2. the incidence of abuse against a husband is not ofen reported because of shame or if you prefer loss of face. My friend has been told by his friends and family back in the US as well as his freinds and acqaintences here that he needs to be more assertive. 
The abuse against my daughter happened while I was at work, my ex wife put on a different face when I was at home, except for the times when she had a go at me, but once she got her residence visa she kicked me out. I do not advocate violence against women, I was raised and still believe that a man should not hit a woman, and I never have hit a woman, but everyone has the right to defend themselves. Women as a whole may resort to hitting out of frustration, but there are always exceptions, this man's wife has trouble getting on with anybody, she argues with her mother, does not get on with her brothers or sisters and usually only has shortlived friendships. My friend told me that he wanted to end the relationship in the early days, but the day he was going to break it off his then girlfriend told him she was pregnant and he obviously did not break it off.
With regard to his behaviour, if anything he is too indecisive and lacks confidence, and perhaps he could use a little selfishness and to be more assertive with what he wants instead of always surrendering to his wife's wants. To put it mildly, he is a pushover and she takes advantage.
I have not made any reference to how men and women are treated under Thai law, I started this thread to get advice to give to my friend and I have received some advice from a man who offered experience based advice. It is very easy to use the common trend to say what may be happening, and that would be fairly accurate in most instances, but not all, there is always an occurance that does not fit in the box, and this is an instance where we need to look outside the box.


----------



## mikecwm

Hi Tom Tao.

It's my experience from Wildthing's comments that he knows everything about everything and therefore best ignored.


----------



## wildfk

TomTao said:


> I know he has been hit, I have seen the torn clothes and bruises on him, nothing on her, his 6yo daughter asked him to find her a new mummy, and she has said that while her father has been in my home with my wife present, his daughter has also said "mummy hits daddy alot".
> Yes the stats do show that men are usually the more aggressive, but not always, abuse against a husband is not often reported, there are two possible reasons for this, 1. as already discussed it is usually the man who is the abuser, 2. the incidence of abuse against a husband is not ofen reported because of shame or if you prefer loss of face. My friend has been told by his friends and family back in the US as well as his freinds and acqaintences here that he needs to be more assertive.
> The abuse against my daughter happened while I was at work, my ex wife put on a different face when I was at home, except for the times when she had a go at me, but once she got her residence visa she kicked me out. I do not advocate violence against women, I was raised and still believe that a man should not hit a woman, and I never have hit a woman, but everyone has the right to defend themselves. Women as a whole may resort to hitting out of frustration, but there are always exceptions, this man's wife has trouble getting on with anybody, she argues with her mother, does not get on with her brothers or sisters and usually only has shortlived friendships. My friend told me that he wanted to end the relationship in the early days, but the day he was going to break it off his then girlfriend told him she was pregnant and he obviously did not break it off.
> With regard to his behaviour, if anything he is too indecisive and lacks confidence, and perhaps he could use a little selfishness and to be more assertive with what he wants instead of always surrendering to his wife's wants. To put it mildly, he is a pushover and she takes advantage.
> I have not made any reference to how men and women are treated under Thai law, I started this thread to get advice to give to my friend and I have received some advice from a man who offered experience based advice. It is very easy to use the common trend to say what may be happening, and that would be fairly accurate in most instances, but not all, there is always an occurance that does not fit in the box, and this is an instance where we need to look outside the box.


OK - advice - my advice is that the man should look to himself for the reasons and that you - judging by your inability to respond relevently to my post are too dim and have too many personal issues to do anything useful about it.

I notice too how your story becomes more and more elaborate as it goes on and thus less plausible.


----------



## mikecwm

Yep - best ignored.


----------



## wildfk

It's very sad that a vast number of expats come to Thailand following failed relationships. THey look around for a more submissive wife and then complain when she stands up for her rights in the only way she knows how.
THe OP has now alleged that he has witnessed the results on the man - he makes no mention of the woman at all in any of his posts other than to claim she is "aggressive" - as if she is some kind of animal. It is again very common amongst expats to find examples of extreme misogyny, that really are reminiscent of the 19th century.
so may of these men have shown that they cannot enter into a long-term relationship - that don't know how, and when problems arise they simply cannot comprehend that they are contributors to the problem to any degree, when usually the roots of it are actually with them.

Many expats in Thailand have spent a large amount of their lives immersed in work - their lives revolve around wages, beer and the next contract - they have looked to prostitutes for "company" and their wives have been neglected and usually divorce them. At an advanced age they then decide to marry an unsophisticated Thai woman and the relationship is usually based on the man's ability to povvde for her and her family. unfortunately this is not a normal equal relationship and is usually fraught with problems, and often the man himself is emotionally and psychologically too immature to appreciate this.

THe result he is unhappy, the woman is unhappy, and her family are unhappy. He has instead of good fortune brought misery on many.

He should rethink his role as a husband.


----------

