# Helping children deal with the move/transition -advice needed.



## tdzankl (Mar 23, 2010)

Hi,
We are in the process of our relocation to Dubai (from Houston). Our family has lived throughout the USA, Canada, and Australia...so my daughters (aged 12 and 10) are no strangers to transition. My oldest is now in 7th grade and she's having an extremely difficult time dealing with this upcoming move. It's affecting everything, as she's a total bear to live with right now.

We are trying to be very understanding of her challenges, allowing her to cry to us, talk about what's bothering her. The problem is that any suggestions we offer, she's always got a negative response. She even admitted last night that she doesn't want to calm down or feel better. What are we to do?? I know it is a difficult age, and hormones are absolutely an issue.. We have discussed our previous moves and reminded her that she was very upset to leave all of our other locations, but that we wouldn't trade a single one of those experiences, because we've always gotten to meet special people, travel to neat locations, etc...logically she gets it, but for some reason she just refused to ever focus on the positives...and I'm just feeling at a loss here.

I'm just hoping that maybe someone who's been there, done that, can offer us up some advice on helping her get through this. Anyone?

Thanks in advance!


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## Sonho (Jan 1, 2008)

tdzankl said:


> Hi,
> We are in the process of our relocation to Dubai (from Houston). Our family has lived throughout the USA, Canada, and Australia...so my daughters (aged 12 and 10) are no strangers to transition. My oldest is now in 7th grade and she's having an extremely difficult time dealing with this upcoming move. It's affecting everything, as she's a total bear to live with right now.


Hi, we have moved 5 times to 5 different countries in the last 12 years. My children are similar ages and we are now looking at a possible move to Dubai. So, I get what you are dealing with. The hormones are definitely coming into play. Anyway, this is our strategy:
1) Skype with friends--I am not sure this is possible in Dubai but an alternative could be Facebook. We are going to allow our soon to be 13 year old an FB acct. to stay in touch with all of her friends (several continents, like you!)
2) Deep breaths when the hysteria and drama ensues.
3) Bribery - yes, bribery. This was how we got our second dog. 
4) Build excitement by looking at the schools etc and housing. My DD is particularly susceptible to this strategy as she is an adventurer at heart. My DS (11) is a bit more difficult.
5) Something to look forward to...they will know when we are returning for a holiday and can plan accordingly.
6) Check into the clubs etc that will be available for them and talk about them. My kids love sailing and apparently, there is some pretty rocking sailing in Dubai.
7) Model the positive behavior (I am sure you already do this!)
8) If they are already involved in Girl Scouts, check to see if it is available. Try to keep some things similar to home. Which again, is how we got our second dog--a street rescue who adopted us in Portugal!

Good luck!


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## Jynxgirl (Nov 27, 2009)

As a military brat, my family moved every 3 or 4 years, and for a great number of years while bases were closing, it was more like every 8 to 12 months and a whole lot of school changes. When I got to junior high, I left my family and went 'home' with other relatives to go thru my junior and high school with the same friends. Would that be an option?


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## tdzankl (Mar 23, 2010)

Sonho - thanks for all the great advice! Looks like you've made about as many moves as us (but we are only on country #4).
We have allowed her to get a facebook account (with very strict restrictions) when we left Australia last year, as we knew it would help make it easier to keep in touch with al her friends (plus both our parents, siblings, etc are on, so she is able to stay connected to family).
Unfortunately, she is seeming to balk at the suggestions of getting her into her activities (swimming, tennis, golf, guitar, etc)...but I'm certain it is just her frame of mind right now!
You may be on to something with the bribery also!  She is a preteen girl, after all...I'll have to put some thought into it, since a second dog is NOT going to happen (one mischievous beagle puppy is all this Mama can handle, lol).

Jynxgirl - we couldn't even consider sending her home to family (as she'd still have to move and "start over" as they are in Canada...especially since we've seen her do so well in adapting, once the difficult good-bye's are over. I think if circumstances were different, and we were moving to a dangerous place, where she would not be able to take up any of her favorite activities and such, we would possibly consider it - But it's hard to imagine. We are a tight knit family and I couldn't imagine them being away from me, especially not at such a young age still. How did it work for you? Were you really happy you did that, or do you ever wish you'd went with your family?

Anyways - thanks for the advice, I'm open to anything to help ease her suffering right now. Unfortunately, not moving is not an option in our current circumstance.


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## Jynxgirl (Nov 27, 2009)

Worked great for me. Looking back, I am so glad I went 'home' and put my foot down as I knew I wanted to be able to look back and know the people in my senior year book. From the time I left (7th grade) until 12th grade, if I had not left, I would have went to three additional schools, last move being mid tenth grade. 

If its just dragging feat its one thing. If one is adament, I would suggest a long sit down.


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## tdzankl (Mar 23, 2010)

That's great that you had that as a solution, Jynxgirl! I'm glad it worked out well.
My dd doesn't really have a "home", as she was born outside of Canada, and our family has all relocated through the years as well...so going to them to do schooling would involve meeting all new people, new city (they've just had short visits there in past), just like Dubai would.

I did ask her though, to clarify if she was just dragging feet. And the prospect of living apart from us was absolutely not one she wanted to consider...she was just hoping we could give up dh's career, defy immigration issues and just stay here forever (we are Cdn citizens in the USA right now), haha - so I'm sure she'll be ok. We just have to try to help ease her through the transition period, I suppose!

Thanks for the advice!


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## Jynxgirl (Nov 27, 2009)

Hope it works out for you guys as well. :clap2:


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## Elphaba (Jan 24, 2008)

I cann sympathise to a certain extent as I was an army brat and had something like 12 homes by the age of 12. It's tough for children to keep moving schools and always being the new child, although in somewhere in Dubai that's a common thing as the population is quite transient.

I have never felt that I have proper roots anywhere, although on the upside I am very adaptable and have turned out OK.  What I'm saying is that roots ca be over-estimated and you will have young adults who can fit in anywhere and get on with just about anybody. It's a good grounding for life.

It's tough for your girls, but you have to be a rock for them and give them time to settle. I am sure it'll be easier here than either you or they imagine and it all has to be treated as another adventure. Assuming you are coming here soon, you;ll be here at the best time of year when the weather is lovely and perfect for beach and outdoor activities, so there is plenty to do. I suggest giving them each daughter a tourist type guide to Dubai so they can see all the attractons of the place.

Lots of luck with the relocation.
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## Sonho (Jan 1, 2008)

Elphaba said:


> I have never felt that I have proper roots anywhere, although on the upside I am very adaptable and have turned out OK.  *What I'm saying is that roots ca be over-estimated and you will have young adults who can fit in anywhere and get on with just about anybody. It's a good grounding for life.*
> 
> It's tough for your girls, but you have to be a rock for them and give them time to settle. I am sure it'll be easier here than either you or they imagine and it all has to be treated as another adventure. Assuming you are coming here soon, you;ll be here at the best time of year when the weather is lovely and perfect for beach and outdoor activities, so there is plenty to do. I suggest giving them each daughter a tourist type guide to Dubai so they can see all the attractons of the place.
> 
> ...


I love the bolded bits above. I was a military brat as well, so I do know what my children go through when we drag them from one place to another.

I was going to post something similar to your other paragraph as well. Since you are moving, moving to a place with lots of expats will be much easier on your daughter. We have found that it is much easier to assimilate in an expat heavy environment as the children are more open to new friends. :clap2:


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## tdzankl (Mar 23, 2010)

I just realized there were a couple more responses that I hadn't noticed. I guess I don't get email notifications of every new response - sorry about that!

Thanks Elphaba and Sonho for the encouragement. Things have actually gotten much better. I think she needed to go through her slump about it, but she's actually pretty positive now. She's planning a spectacular middle eastern themed leaving party with her friends, complete with belly dancing lessons and henna tattoos, and we're planning on some fun 'local touristy' things over the Christmas holidays, as we plan to arrive around the middle of December.

It has helped that we now have school placement at DAA and the middle schoolers get to experience a week without walls, and she'll have a great adventure in the spring, so she's mostly on board with the move now! (I'm sure that as the leaving date approaches we'll hit a few more bumps, but I have been reminding them that we feel this way about every move, however there isn't a single location that we wish we'd never gone to).

Anyways, thanks to all who offered up support, this life does get more difficult on the children as they get older...but we are all looking forward to our next adventure (for now)...


Stay tuned for some serious whining to ensue as we start looking for reasonable housing, etc.... haha.


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