# Having a tough time in Rome



## prospecthearts (Mar 24, 2015)

Hello all,

I moved to Italy about 8 months ago for both work and love--my dissertation research is based in Rome, and my fiancé is a Roman.

Like most of us, I assume, I moved to Italy with stars in my eyes. I am feeling like the "Italy honeymoon" is waning and I'm struggling with living here. I feel discouraged by the conditions of the streets, the unfriendliness of strangers and shopkeepers, alienated by the closedness of Italian social circles (it seems all these folks with their lifelong friends don't need any new ones), and the incredibly complicated inefficiencies of daily tasks here. 

But I love my man and I realized recently that I need to really figure out how to make this my country. My Italian is pretty solid, and I'm always working on it, which can only help my sense of integration. But I'd like to ask this forum to help me reconnect to the good things about living in Italy, and what you do if you're a homesick expat. 

What do you like about living here? How do you cope with the discouraging and disappointing aspects? What has it taken for you to feel more comfortable or connected? How have you found community?

I would really, really appreciate hearing back from folks!!!
Thank you!


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## NickZ (Jun 26, 2009)

prospecthearts said:


> the unfriendliness of strangers and shopkeepers, alienated by the closedness of Italian social circles (it seems all these folks with their lifelong friends don't need any new ones), and the incredibly complicated inefficiencies of daily tasks here.


How do you act when entering a shop? Do you say hello? 

There is no doubt some shop owners aren't people people but it may be you're sending the wrong signals. You may be seem rude without even knowing it.

Rome is also a mid/large sized city. Strangers are rushing to work,home etc. I tend to find them fairly normal and if I need help friendly. But then I come from a large city.


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

Welcome to the Wonderful World of Being an Expat! Don't know Italy, but went through much the same phenomenon when I arrived here in France. And things swing back and forth (allegedly in roughly 3 to 6 month cycles) for quite some time.

Two things I found that help: 

1) Join some group of like-minded expats. I know there is a FAWCO group (Federation of American Women's Clubs Overseas) in Rome. Many of the members have gone through much the same thing and may be able to help, if only to commiserate. Or, eventually, it may convince you that Americans can be pretty strange at times, too, and you have a pretty good deal living where you do.

2) Make a point of getting out and making some local friends of your own - of any and all nationalities. When you move "for love" it gets stressful limiting yourself to your Significant Other's friends and social circles. Branching out on your own and developing your own circle (again, if only for the ability to commiserate when you need to) can do wonders to improve your attitude.

Ultimately it comes down to appreciating what things in your new life you can change or influence and which ones are beyond your control, so you just have to accept, adapt and adjust. And that will take time.
Cheers,
Bev


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## travelinggaby (Aug 25, 2014)

Hi, I've been living in Rome for over two years and love it here. I know things can be difficult some times, but it also helps to stop comparing the way things work here as opposed to back home as Italian and American cultures could't be more different. I like to go for long walks and get lost and enjoy the city when I'm frustrated with daily life tasks. It's a frame of mind some times. You say you speak the language, try to start small conversation with the shopkeepers and go to the same ones all the time. With time, they'll recognize your face, start being friendlier to you as they will think of you as one of the regulars, and open their friendly Italian heart to you. I;ve also noticed that making long lasting friendships is hard work here...but don't dispare, Rome will grow on you...I hope. I write a blog, with a positive outlook on Rome and other expat issues. If you feel like taking a look you'll find me at gabyaroundtheworld.blogspot.com 

Good Luck with Rome! 
Gaby


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## prospecthearts (Mar 24, 2015)

Thanks so much to everyone for their input. I actually find the shopkeepers whom I've gotten to know to be awesome, part of the neighborhood. It's the big chain stores (Trony, Euronics, Vodafone) where the retail workers are very rude and inefficient. My phone was recently stolen and I had to go back to the Vodafone store four times in two weeks because they always said something incorrect, and every time I entered I assumed a very friendly, plaintive approach and they just seem so irritated to have to work. So, the more anonymous sphere of bureaucratic or mercenary interactions are vexing. But it's not helpful to compare. 

In any case I really appreciate these sympathetic, supportive responses very much! Spring is helping too  

Jenn


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## DeeS (Mar 4, 2012)

Hello, I just saw your post. I am 69, and I came to Italy alone 3 years ago not knowing anyone other than some people on Facebook. I have a few suggestions. 

I have tried very hard to NOT hang out with other Americans, although I do have some American friends here. I am retired, so I have a lot of free time and travel around Italy following an Italian rock/folk singer. I have friends all over Italy (other fans), and since we all have the singer in common, we all connect in an very Italian way. I seldom speak English with my friends, because they don't speak English. This is one suggestion: Find something in common with some Italians, and stay away from English as much as possible, or at least until your brain needs a break. 

I also recommend going to the same places every day. The same coffee shop, the same meat market, the same vegetable store, enoteca. Buy a paper every day from the same edicola. Try to stay away from the big supermarkets except when necessary. When you go into the shops, observe how the locals behave. Say hello as soon as you enter the store, smile. Chat a bit with the owner. They will appreciate the fact that you are buying locally, and after a bit, they will get to know you. And don't forget to say good-bye! (Edited: In other words, I agree with the prior poster....  )

My main suggestions is, give back. 

There are many, many Italians who studied English in school, but have never had much opportunity to speak it. I had the same problem in the States when I was teaching myself Italian. It was hard to find people to converse with. I started a free English language conversation group on Monday afternoons at a local osteria/bar. They aren't busy between the hours of 4-6, and were happy to let me use some of their tables. It ends just before their happy hour starts, and I encourage my group members to buy a cup of coffee, a pastry, sandwich, or glass of wine during the group. It helps the owner fill a rather down time, and puts people in his restaurant which looks better than an empty shop. By doing this, I have some "English" time for my brain, I am helping Italians who want to practice their English language skills, and I have met some very lovely people who have introduced me to others. It takes a little advertising (I placed small cards in shops), and word of mouth (I mention it to people in shops who are trying to speak English, and to waiters). 

I also look beyond the things that would drive me crazy in the States...the street conditions, the bureaucracy, the occasional rudeness. If I am honest with myself, the same things are in the States, if I look for them. I tend instead to look up. To the architecture, the sky, the fact that I am living in one of the oldest societies in the world (compared to the US?), and how fortunate I am to have this experience. I know this sounds very Pollyanna-ish, but hey, we are living in ITALY! 

Thanks for the opportunity to write out some of my thoughts. I have heard your concerns from other Expats, and I have thought a lot about it. 

Dee


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## prospecthearts (Mar 24, 2015)

*integration*

thank you so much for this! i recently adopted a little coffee shop in my neighborhood and do some writing there. They are always warm and welcoming and it helps me feel a little more integrated.

Question: some times when I speak Italian people recognize that I'm foreign and patiently listen to what I'm saying and get my message even if my grammar is not perfect. But some people correct me several times within a sentence and I can't get anything out and feel so discouraged. Is there a polite way to ask for fewer corrections so I can at least maintain a little confidence? I don't usually retain those on-the-fly corrections anyway. But when I'm struggling with a certain phrase and ask for help, I retain those corrections. 

It really helps that my fieldwork entails doing extensive personal interviews, so I have a lot of speaking and listening time. but i know that when my research period is over I'm going to have to be more productive, so I really appreciate your suggestions!


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## Bevdeforges (Nov 16, 2007)

Back when I was learning French in elementary school, they told us NOT to let people correct us when we were just talking. It would make you more timid about speaking and besides, back in the US we consider it rude to correct an adult in public like that. 

Things are not the same over on this side of the pond. In France (and I'm guessing in Italy, too), when they learned languages in school, they were constantly corrected and told that they should correct other people when they misspeak. Accept the fact that they're trying to be helpful. I usually just nod, and if it's a single word or two, will repeat whatever they said, and then move on. Tell yourself that it's nice of them to try to help you, but then just move on. (Yeah, it drove me nuts at first here, too - but you just say, "well, that's Italy" or whatever.)

Hey, after 20 years here, I still have "fumble mouth" days when I just can't get anything out correctly. It happens. Make a little joke about it and move on. The fact of the matter is that you're out there, and you're getting involved. In six months or a year from now, you'll suddenly realize that you speak the language a whole lot better than you used to. (Or at least a whole lot better than the newcomer you've just taken under your wing.)
Cheers,
Bev


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## NickZ (Jun 26, 2009)

Personally I find it strange you're being corrected in that way. Did you tell them you wanted help?

Rome is full of tourists. If they corrected every single one nobody would get anything done


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