# Who's in charge of the money?



## weddedbliss (Mar 3, 2014)

finances have always been one of the most important concerns a couple would always have trouble dealing with no matter how carefully and meticulously resources and expenses have been planned. i wanted to pose a question to the members of this forum as to how they handle the household income when both parties are working, when one party has higher income over the other, or when there is only one financial provider in the family. who should hold the family budget in each of the case? I grew up in a family where the mother would always hold the income and is in charged of the budgeting. not all Filipino families but almost everyone understand it to be like this once the couple entered a marital union. but what seems to be the case between an expat and his Filipina wife? what are the most important considerations to be observed in this aspect?


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## jon1 (Mar 18, 2012)

I am on my second marriage and can personally attest to how finances will break a union up if allowed to. My first marriage was ruined by my US wife’s spending habits and lack of budgeting. This took me almost 3 years to recover financially from and I vowed to never end up in that situation again.

Needless to say when I first started dating my new wife (pinay), this was one of the very first topics of discussion. I told her that if I ever get the feeling that I am an ATM machine for her or extended family that we would be done. Over the last 12 years I have been the sole breadwinner and I drive the train on the household budget. I afford her an allowance that she can do with what she pleases and I will not ever question her how it was spent, if at all. My wife grew up poor and understands the value of money. As such, she can be frugal (kuripot) and keeps herself within the budget that she sets for herself. When it comes to big purchases, we discuss what is best for US, as we have a partnership not a dictatorship. She provides plenty of good insight and is frequently correct.

This system has worked out well for us and I have provided for us quite well with a solid track record established. We have 200% trust in each other. Early on we came to a mutual agreement on what each of us was responsible for within our partnership in order to help create a productive, stress free and positive influenced environment for our household.

In the end it’s what works best for each couple. Communication, trust, respect are the cornerstones. Money comes and goes and has no loyalty.


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## esv1226 (Mar 13, 2014)

Both of us are in charge for example, he pays for utilities, I pay for groceries. This way, we do not have to account to each other how money is spent. This way, we both feel independent. This has worked well for us over the years. 
There are many adjustments, some challenging in a new environment, relationship, etc. Do not let money be the issue.


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## JimnNila143 (Jul 23, 2013)

This is our one and only marriage of the two of us together. It is not my money or her money, it is OUR money, even though the income I bring in is a lot more than what my wife earns. We always work together on anything major that we purchase. My wife also has a store in addition to her work and the money that is invested in her store is reinvested over and over again. I never go behind my wife's back and do something without her knowledge and/or approval and she is the same with me. I know that sometimes my medical expenses get steep but that doesn't happen that often. I told my wife as long as we have a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and food in our tummy's we will be OK.


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## pronse (Apr 3, 2009)

First of all. marriage means a union of two people. Hence, it's a case of both handling it in such away not to hurt the other person. It don't matter who makes more than the other. It should be looked at as both are making X amount.

If one side doesn't know the value of money then the other side must step in and handle it.
As one said here, money comes and goes but the union should stay! Anything else and it's not a union.


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## weddedbliss (Mar 3, 2014)

thank you all who have responded with their impartial views. i think it is just going to be a case to case basis. as for me i am not used to handling or planning a budget my entire life and since my fiance and i are getting married soon, i figured it would be best if he handles it himself. of course with the understanding that my suggestions relating to the budget won't fall on deaf ears. savings wise, it has to be on the joint accounts we would be having though..


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## Asian Spirit (Mar 1, 2010)

weddedbliss said:


> thank you all who have responded with their impartial views. i think it is just going to be a case to case basis. as for me i am not used to handling or planning a budget my entire life and since my fiance and i are getting married soon, i figured it would be best if he handles it himself. of course with the understanding that my suggestions relating to the budget won't fall on deaf ears. savings wise, it has to be on the joint accounts we would be having though..


Hi Wedded,

Just a final thought that came to mind. After marriage, it would be a good idea to learn from your husband or a hired financial councilor how to manage and get practical experience in paying the bills etc.

If, in the future your husband gets sick and can not take care of it - or if you outlive him years from now you will need these skills. Don't let yourself be entirely dependent on someone else. Especially, If you are moving out of the Philippines, by all means get a job, Even if it's just flipping burgers at a Mc Donalds etc. Never allow yourself to become completely dependent on any man. 

I myself am a guy and I see far too many of us foreigners marry gals from here and they (the ladies) are for the rest of their lives 100% dependent on the "generosity" of their husbands or boyfriends. Bad position to be in if the marriage/relationship should ever fall apart.

We have my pension from the US that we BOTH manage and have access to. On top of that, my wife (a Filipina) still works her full time job and has done so for our entire marriage of 11 years so far. She works not because she has to for any reason. She does so because she enjoys it and has always enjoyed working and the associations she has with her co-workers.

Marriage, by it's very nature is designed to be a partnership and works best that way. But the reality is that not all marriages work that way and still others end in divorce or separation. For your own emotional/financial security and that of any future children you may have; be employable. Get a job and keep it. It's a great feeling for sure.



Jet Lag


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## weddedbliss (Mar 3, 2014)

Jet Lag said:


> Hi Wedded,
> 
> Just a final thought that came to mind. After marriage, it would be a good idea to learn from your husband or a hired financial councilor how to manage and get practical experience in paying the bills etc.
> 
> ...



agreed... i must have forgotten to mention that i am working and have a steady income.. i am a government employee here in Phili, currently a law student , and i earn well and have been working for more than 10 years since i finished my university. my job gives me fulfillment and i am in no way ever gonna give it up. with the budgeting, i am just being open to the idea of him handling it with the thought of learning the ropes along the way. we will be living here in Philippines and have no intentions of uprooting from here because of my job, schooling, and the cost of living.. plus the fact that his pension could go a long way here.. i am not gonna risk moving into another country and give up my job. we will do well here.  Philippines is my comfort zone, and I hope it would also be one for him.


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## Asian Spirit (Mar 1, 2010)

weddedbliss said:


> agreed... i must have forgotten to mention that i am working and have a steady income.. i am a government employee here in Phili, currently a law student , and i earn well and have been working for more than 10 years since i finished my university. my job gives me fulfillment and i am in no way ever gonna give it up. with the budgeting, i am just being open to the idea of him handling it with the thought of learning the ropes along the way. we will be living here in Philippines and have no intentions of uprooting from here because of my job, schooling, and the cost of living.. plus the fact that his pension could go a long way here.. i am not gonna risk moving into another country and give up my job. we will do well here.  Philippines is my comfort zone, and I hope it would also be one for him.


Sounds like you have some good plans and also a good start on a long and prosperous carrier. It's good in many ways that the two of you will stay living here. With the world economy on the rocks and many places becoming politically unstable, this might very well be the best place to ride it out for now.
Don't forget to take a little time off from the work and all the studies and have a little fun taking and showing your husband all or most of the great places here in paradise...


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## weddedbliss (Mar 3, 2014)

Jet Lag said:


> Don't forget to take a little time off from the work and all the studies and have a little fun taking and showing your husband all or most of the great places here in paradise...



he came to visit for a couple of weeks and all we did was just go everywhere and relax.. mingled with the locals and spent time with my family.. he fell in love with boracay for the 4 days that we had stayed there and brought him to another 3 other white beaches here in phili.. so far his stay was great and i let him lived the way locals do.. eat local foods.. and take local transportation (the infamous jeepney ride!)..he was impressed by how cheap the prices in the places where i brought him. now, i am looking into expats' group meet ups here in my city so that he would have friends and wont be bored while i'm at work once he comes here to retire early next year.


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## khazjesk (Apr 3, 2014)

I believe that both husband and wife have equal right to make decision related to financial planning.As now all go for love marriages so it is very important that you know about the person with whom you are dating that how he/she manages their funds,as if you are a money saver and the other loves to spend in excess then it creates problem for both in future.I am a financial adviser and now couples are getting engaged in financial planning as they want to secure the future and in the plan both partners have equal rights.We encourage people to let your money also work for you as for how long we will run after earning money..its very true fact we all are getting older everyday...hahaha...


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## khazjesk (Apr 3, 2014)

Only you and only you are incharge of your money and no one else


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## Asian Spirit (Mar 1, 2010)

khazjesk said:


> I believe that both husband and wife have equal right to make decision related to financial planning.As now all go for love marriages so it is very important that you know about the person with whom you are dating that how he/she manages their funds,as if you are a money saver and the other loves to spend in excess then it creates problem for both in future.I am a financial adviser and now couples are getting engaged in financial planning as they want to secure the future and in the plan both partners have equal rights.We encourage people to let your money also work for you as for how long we will run after earning money..its very true fact we all are getting older everyday...hahaha...


Well said and really is the truth. Thanks for the post and hope that people will work together to manage the funds in their marriages..


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## leebeme0327 (Apr 13, 2014)

My wife and I are newly married and I am the sole provider, but we are still figuring out how to work as a team on the budget I mainly control! 

Now I say it exactly like this because my wife does not understand a budget. We are now working with the envelopes system where you liable all and place money in each. This has helped my wife really understand what I am doing because it is not just numbers on paper.

Even our savings gets placed in one before it goes to the bank.

Her/her mom/and her sisters allowance all go into there respective envelope and this seems to make more since to all of them. They realize now that I am not rich and how we need to be proactive on all purchases!

All said and done, my wife gets a bigger allowance then me on tight months and she is beginning to realize that my scooter does not run without gas and that drinking water is not free because I simply paid them before.


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## lefties43332 (Oct 21, 2012)

leebeme0327 said:


> My wife and I are newly married and I am the sole provider, but we are still figuring out how to work as a team on the budget I mainly control!
> 
> Now I say it exactly like this because my wife does not understand a budget. We are now working with the envelopes system where you liable all and place money in each. This has helped my wife really understand what I am doing because it is not just numbers on paper.
> 
> ...


Why does her family get an allowance? Another in terms of entitlement? Are you just an atm card? Contrary to popular belief this isn't philippine code


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## Cebu Citizen (Dec 13, 2013)

What awesome insight and a great general consensus of how things should be. In a marital situation...especially if you intend on making it a long and successful marriage...there should be trust and faith and sharing off all things...including financial issues and access to money.

I have read some really great advice here and it makes me proud to be a part of this forum. When anyone enters into a marriage, they should sit down and discuss the parameters of responsibility so that each party knows exactly who is responsible for what. Then there will be no misunderstandings later down the road.

It kind of reminds me of the TV show "The Big Bang Theory" and Sheldon Coopers "Room Mate Agreement"...they (comically) never have any disagreements because everything is spelled out in such great detail. The various parties may not always "Like" what the agreement says but they each know that they previously agreed to it and they know the boundaries and therefore adhere to its verbiage and forego the misunderstandings of responsibility.

The same is true for marital finances...it should be very clear to both the husband and the wife, where the money comes from and what are necessary expenses or not and how these expenses should be paid. HOWEVER...as was already pointed out..."IF" one person is ultimately responsible for paying bills and budgeting expenses...the "other" person should at least be familiar with the process and be able to sit down periodically and be walked through the budget for the simple reason of what happens if someone falls ill or is incapacitated.

I know for me, it is not just taking care of those I love while I am here but also being able to care for them should it be my time to depart from this earth.

I totally understand how the Philippine culture is and how close most families ties are and I will always do my part to become actively involved in my Filipino Families issues and solutions but like I read in an earlier post, I do not want my girlfriends family to view me as a walking ATM Machine.

When the time comes, I want to be able to sit down and have a serious heart to heart conversation with my Filipina Girlfriend, (and eventual wife), about the importance of proper financial management and balanced budgets that can mean the difference between a nice long quality life and a stressed out life of poverty, struggling from one paycheck to the next.


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