# Is it right....



## Susib (Jul 27, 2014)

My husband and i are thinking of moving to Benalmadena area early 2015, but we have a 12 year old boy who doesn't want to go, is it right to move him? 
He spends all his time in his room at present on his computer, he is happy but surely it can not be good for him.
we would like to hear from anyone who has already relocated to this area with a similar age child and tell us how their child has settled in.
Any comments welcome.
Thanks in advance


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## snikpoh (Nov 19, 2007)

Susib said:


> My husband and i are thinking of moving to Benalmadena area early 2015, but we have a 12 year old boy who doesn't want to go, is it right to move him?
> He spends all his time in his room at present on his computer, he is happy but surely it can not be good for him.
> we would like to hear from anyone who has already relocated to this area with a similar age child and tell us how their child has settled in.
> Any comments welcome.
> Thanks in advance


In my opinion, it would be the worst thing that you could possibly do - to force someone to come to a different country where they have no friends and can't communicate and at such an important age.

At 12, he would almost certainly need (expensive) education at an English speaking international school - have you planned for that?


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## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

My 10yo old daughter didnt want to go when we moved. She didnt ever settle, she hated the heat, the schools (we tried several, including an international which she was happiest in), the dust, the insects, the spanish, the other kids.... She missed her friends in the UK and her unhappiness affected all of us. We moved back to the UK 2 years ago when she was 15 and she never wants to go to Spain again!! 

Jo xxx


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## xabiaxica (Jun 23, 2009)

snikpoh said:


> In my opinion, it would be the worst thing that you could possibly do - to force someone to come to a different country where they have no friends and can't communicate and at such an important age.
> 
> At 12, he would almost certainly need (expensive) education at an English speaking international school - have you planned for that?


I'd agree - private International / British school would be the best (only?) thing for a 12 year old, especially one who sounds as if he isn't exactly gregarious & up for new experiences


why do you think he would be any different here - as snikpoh says, with no friends etc.?

do you *have to *move now ? Or can it wait until he has finished school?


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## Susib (Jul 27, 2014)

Thanks for your reply
Yes we have planned for this, we have been in touch with the international school and have prices, and we have the money for this.
We just feel it would be a better life for him, he would make new friends and enjoy the outside more. 
May i ask if you have children and if so did they settle? 
Thanks


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## xabiaxica (Jun 23, 2009)

Susib said:


> Thanks for your reply
> Yes we have planned for this, we have been in touch with the international school and have prices, and we have the money for this.
> We just feel it would be a better life for him, he would make new friends and enjoy the outside more.
> May i ask if you have children and if so did they settle?
> Thanks


I have 2 daughters, but they were much younger when we came here 11 year ago & would find it hard to settle back in the UK now - I do know families who have brought children of that age over - all of them returned to the UK when it came time for A levels or college or work - a lot seem to end up in the British forces for some reason

that's not to say they didn't have a good time while they were here - but they never really 'settled', inasmauch as it was never really 'home'


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## Susib (Jul 27, 2014)

Thanks Jojo 
That's interesting that you gave it 5 years and still moved back to the uk. 
I will take on board what you have said.
Thank you


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## Susib (Jul 27, 2014)

The funny thing is he actually enjoys Spanish lessons at school and has just got 100% in his Spanish test.
So i don't think he would have a problem learning the language.


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## snikpoh (Nov 19, 2007)

Like Xabiachica, our children were younger when they arrived. Eight years ago, our eldest was just 10 and the twins were 8. They all coped well in a state school but then they were young enough not to voice an opinion when we decided to move.

At that age, and 8 years ago, they weren't really into computer games so socialising was not a problem for them.

I would say, if you are determined to come over, don't burn any bridges and certainly don't sell any property that you might have in UK. Also, don't buy in Spain, rent for a while.


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## Susib (Jul 27, 2014)

Thanks snikpoh

Yes you are right about the internet, that's all it seems to be with kids now a days, gaming, xboxes, so i think it doesn't matter where they are as long as they have internet. 

We are planning to let our house out for a year, and yes rent first in Spain to see how it goes. 
Thanks for the advise though, much appreciated..


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## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

Susib said:


> Thanks snikpoh
> 
> Yes you are right about the internet, that's all it seems to be with kids now a days, gaming, xboxes, so i think it doesn't matter where they are as long as they have internet.
> 
> ...


Thats pretty much what we did and my husband commuted to the UK for work. My daughter was never keen. My son was two years older and he loved the idea. I tried with a bit of bribery with daughter, swimming pool in the garden, new laptop, let her choose the house, her room etc..... Which pacified her for a while. But initially she missed her friends and altho could talk to them on skype etc, in retrospect that made it worse and she would complain that she wanted to be with them and do what they were doing. She hated the school and altho she quickly became fluent at Spanish, she refused in the main to speak it. We moved her to an international school (The British College, Benalmadena - excellent BTW) and she was happier there, but wouldnt go out in the summer cos it was too hot and in the winter it was too cold. She hated the beach and the sand, the dust, the insects..... oh everything. Is it unkind to say she made our lives hell lol???!. I have to say, both my kids spent most of their time on their pcs in their bedrooms - In the last year, my daughter didnt go in the swimming pool once!

That all said, she was coming up to become a teenage girl - with the hormones and the attitude, of which she has bucket loads!!!!! It may not be the same for boys, like I say my son was all for it before we went and loved living there. He was 13 when we moved and 17 when we came back. 

There are two ways of looking at it. 1/ Should we allow a child to dictate our lives and what we think is best?? 2/ Should we respect our childrens wishes and allow decisions to be made by them - or by family democracy. I dont know which is right lol!

Jo xxx


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## jimenato (Nov 21, 2009)

Has your boy given a reason for not wanting to move?


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## extranjero (Nov 16, 2012)

Susib said:


> Thanks snikpoh
> 
> Yes you are right about the internet, that's all it seems to be with kids now a days, gaming, xboxes, so i think it doesn't matter where they are as long as they have internet.
> 
> ...


But in that trial year you would have disrupted your son's education, and if you went back after a year he would be behind.
It sounds as if you still want to move to Spain at any cost, even though you have heard the experiences of others , which all seem to point to the same conclusion- it is not a good idea at this stage
You will still be young enough when he has finished his schooling, university etc, and have plenty to time to research all the aspects of living in Spain.


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## mrypg9 (Apr 26, 2008)

jojo said:


> There are two ways of looking at it. 1/ Should we allow a child to dictate our lives and what we think is best?? 2/ Should we respect our childrens wishes and allow decisions to be made by them - or by family democracy. I dont know which is right lol!
> 
> Jo xxx


Allowing your children to dictate what happens in the home is a recipe for disaster and unhappiness for all involved. Children need security and direction in their formative years and allowing them to be equal partners in family decision - making is giving them far too much responsibility. 
Children have neither the experience nor maturity to make judgments of major importance. 

As for spending excessive time on the internet etc... am I being old- fashioned in wondering why parents allow this, I wonder? My two grandsons had their XBox and internet time restricted by my dil. They spent a lot of time engaging in sporting activities of various kinds from golf to football and many more, all involving physical as well as social interaction.
When my son was young, before the age of internet etc. I restricted his tv viewing time. He wasn't that sporty but had hobbies, mainly of the Mechano constructing type.
When I was young I used to hide away with a book for hours on endbut I was usually discovered and sent out to 'get some fresh air
Of course some children are by nature more solitary but in all my years in education I have come across few natural 'loners '.
What hasn't been really mentioned is why the family want to move. Work, for example: if one or both parents have already secured work or if they are hoping to find work, which could be a problem in that area, with over 34% unemployment.
Children whose parents have jobs that require much moving from one country or continent to another seem to cope, as far as I have heard. Equally, troubles tend to get packed with the family luggage, as other posters have pointed out.
Decisions like this aren't easy and need a lot of thought about all the financial implications. Children who are happy to move can quickly become unhappy if money suddenly becomes tight.


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## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

mrypg9 said:


> Allowing your children to dictate what happens in the home is a recipe for disaster and unhappiness for all involved. Children need security and direction in their formative years and allowing them to be equal partners in family decision - making is giving them far too much responsibility.
> Children have neither the experience nor maturity to make judgments of major importance.
> 
> As for spending excessive time on the internet etc... am I being old- fashioned in wondering why parents allow this, I wonder? My two grandsons had their XBox and internet time restricted by my dil. They spent a lot of time engaging in sporting activities of various kinds from golf to football and many more, all involving physical as well as social interaction.
> ...



I agree! However, I've had 5 children and the expressions "pushing **** uphill" and "leading a horse to water" spring to mind - and I'm a strict and dedicated parent!!!! Yes, the adults in our house make the decisions, its when you have very strong willed children who know how to make life hell as a consequence of said decisions - thats when you really have to question why!? 

Jimento made a good point, what reasons is he giving for not wanting to move?? Are they valid and/or easily rectified??

Jo xxx


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## mrypg9 (Apr 26, 2008)

jojo said:


> I agree! However, I've had 5 children and the expressions "pushing **** uphill" and "leading a horse to water" spring to mind - and I'm a strict and dedicated parent!!!! Yes, the adults in our house make the decisions, its when you have very strong willed children who know how to make life hell as a consequence of said decisions - thats when you really have to question why!?
> 
> Jimento made a good point, what reasons is he giving for not wanting to move?? Are they valid and/or easily rectified??
> 
> Jo xxx


Yes, I guess it's a lot harder these days to put your foot down with a firm hand...And I had only one child....My views on child-rearing were similar to those of Herod too. I was brought up in a strict and caring home myself where my opinion was sought on very few issues.
Maybe that's why I've so many opinions now

I think from experience of dealing with many 'troubled' children that their upbringing has been one of two extremes, either excessively restrictive or too lax. As with most things, a sensible middle position usually works out well. As my son got into his teens I took time to explain why certain things were a no-no but if that didn't work I fell back on the 'I am your mother and I say what goes' shtick...


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## VFR (Dec 23, 2009)

Look this is easy, tell *him* he has 2 choices ................. Spain or Barnados.














Que ?


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## jimenato (Nov 21, 2009)

playamonte said:


> Look this is easy, tell *him* he has 2 choices ................. Spain or Barnados.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




The reason I asked if he had given a reason was that if he spends all his time in his room on his computer, there's really not a lot of difference that I can see...


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## mrypg9 (Apr 26, 2008)

jimenato said:


> The reason I asked if he had given a reason was that if he spends all his time in his room on his computer, there's really not a lot of difference that I can see...


I'm an anciana and I've spent this afternoon in a darkened room playing Quizzup on my tablet.
I put it down to the extreme heat....


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## Susib (Jul 27, 2014)

Thanks for all your replies 
i had a real lengthy chat with my son yesterday and this is what he said.....
All the kids at school are very childish, I havent got many good friends and i am not very confidant. 
This mad me feel very sad as you can imagine. 
He is prepared to go to Spain he has amitted he likes company and wants to be playing out with friends and messing around in the pool.
So what i would like from you lovely people out there to start up a bit of a friendship and maybe introduce him to some of your kids his age (12) so he can have a chat about living in Spain (fuengirola, Benalmadena area).
I know this is a lot to ask but if anyone can help it would be much appreicated. 
Thanks in advance.


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## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

Susib said:


> Thanks for all your replies
> i had a real lengthy chat with my son yesterday and this is what he said.....
> All the kids at school are very childish, I havent got many good friends and i am not very confidant.
> This mad me feel very sad as you can imagine.
> ...


I have a friend who posts occasionally on here who would be ideal, NatalieML. she has two boys, lives near benalmadena pueblo, the boys are the right ages and attend the British college in Torre Muelle!! I'll see if I can get in touch with her

Jo xx


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## Susib (Jul 27, 2014)

jojo said:


> I have a friend who posts occasionally on here who would be ideal, NatalieML. she has two boys, lives near benalmadena pueblo, the boys are the right ages and attend the British college in Torre Muelle!! I'll see if I can get in touch with her
> 
> Jo xx


Thanks Jo 
much appreciated


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## jojo (Sep 20, 2007)

Susib said:


> Thanks Jo
> much appreciated



I've spoken to her and she'll post or be in touch with me in a few days - she's got a family thing going on. but I know she befriended someone else from the forum and he also has a young lad - not sure of his age

Jo xxx


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## Susib (Jul 27, 2014)

That's great 
Thanks Jo your a star
x


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